Amy Winehouse

Amy Wino has probably tried to smoke almost every person, place or thing on this planet. You name it, she has tried to smoke it up. If you live in London, check your ass for burn marks. I'm sure Wino tried to smoke you up after you passed out in a club. If she can light it, she'll try it! This is why I'm a little surprised that Wino hasn't smoked on banana skins before! She found her new favorite fix in St. Lucia!

According to the Daily Star (via M&C), Wino was trolling around the island when she ran into a group of locals smoking banana skins. The locals knew that a fool with a craving for the high life wandered into their lives, so they probably seized the opportunity to make some coin and sold her ass a couple of banana skins you can get off a stupid tree! Wino bought whatever they were selling and now she's in love.

A source said, "She made sure there wasn't anything really bad in them because she's being so good now. They made one in front of her using dried strings from the inside of the peel instead of tobacco and putting it onto a piece of rolling paper. She loved it and has taken to drying her own peel in the sun and smoking it in the evening."

I've never heard of this shit either, so now I'm looking at the half-rotten banana on my kitchen counter like it's the key to taking me higher this afternoon. And here I thought that the only good use for nana skins was to make your asshole smell like Bananas Fosters after a b-fuck. I'm glad to hear there's another use for them!

After doing some extensive research (aka Google followed by two clicks), I found out how to make banana skins your new nightly best friend. Although, this shit sound like it's work! I think I'll just stick to ordering my shit for delivery.

Here's some pics of the premiere Nannerhead of St. Lucia with her bodyguard and some locals yesterday.

Normally that horse would throw the monkey off his back, but I think he got contact high from Wino's crackie-laced fumes, so he's rolling with it. Horsey looks so high that he probably thinks he's galloping through Manhattan in Manolos with Mr. Big riding his ass. Go with it, horsey. Go with it. Feel it.

So, Amy Wino is back on the island of St. Lucia! It looks like her crackhive got stopped in customs. It's not happy that it has to sit in quarantine while Wino goes and bongs it up on the island.

And should I be concerned with what's going on in the sixth thumbnail below? Where is Wino taking those children?! Eh. I guess you gotta learn sooner or later, so you might as well learn from the master!

London is no longer on high alert, because Wino has packed up her crackhive and quit that bitch for St. Lucia. Yesterday morning, Wino got on a jet bound for her new homeland. The Crackie of the Caribbean has chosen St. Lucia as the place to make her third album. Wino will also buy a second den in St. Lucia.

Wino just can't stay away from the salty air, the sound of the waves in the morning and the lush greenery. When I say "lush greenery," I mean the kind that goes well with a hot plate of fries and gravy. You know bitch was craving the leaf of the Caribbean the same way I crave Prince Hot Ginge's peen covered in crushed Mother's Cookies (THE DREAMS).

Since Tornado Crackie is back, the tourists need to start putting some LoJack on their cocktails, because you know that crazy ho likes to snatch and run. Protect yo booze!

Source

Amy Wino's crackhive is looking happy, healthy and well fed. While Wino was out cocktail stealing in St. Lucia, her crackhive was probably laying up in a rehab clinic trying to shake the cravings for the evil shit. Nowadays, it's looking sober and honestly, kind of fat. That chunky ass bitch needs to call Jenny or go back on the crack again. Wino's got some junk in the hive.

The former Crackie of Camden left her new house today and told the paps she was skipping off to the clinic to get a blood test. Wino said that after what happened to Jade Goody, she wants to be extra careful and shit. Crackie, please. You know the real reason why she goes to the hospital. She sends her crackhive off to sneak into the medicine closet to get fill itself with a ton of delicious dolls for Wino to feast on later. And while she's there, she gives a blow job or two to a nitrous tank. That's the real reason!

Amy Wino, forever the Crackie of Camden to me, was packed up and shipped off to St. Lucia to shake the crack out of her system so she could get back to making music (and cash money). Well, the record label apparently isn't busting loads over the shit she wrote in between stealing cocktails and dry humping the tourists in the Caribbean. The Sun says Wino now thinks she's like the next Bob Marley or something, because her new sound is all reggae. Crackie Marley!

A source said, "She seems to have ditched her trademark vintage soul sound and is now heavily influenced by reggae. Her bosses don’t think it’s a wise move to change her style so sharply and have told her that.”

They sent the crackie to the Caribbean, what do they expect?! Wino let the local flavor fall all over her and creep into her lungs. And by that I mean she squeezed into a bong and inhaled enough of the good shit to leave St. Lucia dry for years.

The label isn't only concerned about Wino butchering reggae with her crackie call, but they also think her lyrics are way too dark. Even for her. The source went on to say, “In the past, she’s written frequently about broken hearts and boyfriends, but this time round she’s delving into harrowing terrain.”

Wino's green must have been laced with a little of the evil sugar, because if she was smoking the good shit, all her songs would be about the Taco Bell chihuahua, South Park, Michael Phelps and 12-hour naps.

You know, her label whores need to take a few tokes themselves, because it's better than they think. Look on the bright fucking side. At least Wino's brain can still work long enough for her to write actual words on paper. Which is more than I can say for myself this morning. Fuck, I hate Monday morning times. Wino, take all of us awaaaaay.

The Crackie of Camden returned to her old snorting grounds last night for a nut of tricks, dicks and crackery! When Wino pulled up, the citizens of Camden probably closed their windows, the children ran for cover and everybody turned their lights out and put a garland of garlic on their front door. I don't know. Wino could have entertain them! They should have asked her to put on a pink leotard, a pair of tap shoes and do a little dance for them. That shit would've been like Goddess Bunny LIVE!!!

Wino was on her best behavior in Camden and didn't whoop a trick or snort up any innocent people. Bitch was fine! But I don't think those are panties she's wearing. That's probably what her coochie really looks like.

These pictures of Amy Wino in London today look like they were taken at some premiere, but she's actually arriving at court! Only this crazy crackie would smile and pose like she's ready to down some champagne. Bitch, you're going to court! Most of us growl, throw our fits up in the air and cry when we have to step foot in a courthouse for whatever reason. This crackette looks fucking thrilled. Maybe they told her there's a heroin, computer duster, weed, and vodka buffet waiting inside? Hey, but at least she got hosed down for the occasion. And her crack chichis are looking spectacular. Just look and don't touch. Motorboating a Wino may cause seizures, foaming at the mouth and a severe addiction to ice pops.

The former Crackie of Camden was in court today to answer to charges that she whooped a trick at a charity event back in September. It was a quick affair. Wino stumbled in, pleaded "not guilty" and then stumbled out. She should have just pleaded "WINO," which is code for "above the motherfucking law." How dare the court tear away her crackhive from its pipe for this shit!

Well, I can put my coochie cutters away, because I won't need them to woo (or scare off) truckers so they can take me to Indio, CA. There's no reason to go anymore now that Amy Wino is officially not bringing her heroin shimmy to Coachella next month. The Wino has been banned from entering the US, because...well....because she's Amy Wino. Her spokeswhore told People that she's not going to be able to get a Visa, because of all her legal troubles (i.e. being charged with beating a trick.) And because she's pretty much made of crack. Customs might have a problem with that.

Even though Wino is skipping out on Coachella, she will play her record label's 50th birthday party in Britain on May 31st.

SUCKERY! I guess my dream of Wino beating me in the face during one of her performances will have to remain on my cum bucket list a little while longer.

I'm sure the drug-sniffing dogs of America are breathing a sigh of relief after hearing this news. They knew that when Wino arrived at the airport, their noses would fucking fall off. Their noses have been saved....for now.

Last September, Amy Wino punched Sherene Flash in the face after the bitch asked for a picture with her. Sherene obviously isn't fluent in crackie. A bust to the face means "no" in the language of crackhead. Well, Sherene's whiny ass called the police and now Wino has been charged with assault. Wino will have to face a judge later this month. The judge better show up in a Hazmat-made body of armor. The Wino is a champion spitter and those loogies burn!

This has to be some sort of fucked up mistake. The Wino is above the law. Sherene Flash is the skank who should be charged with being a dumb bitch. First of all, having the name Sherene Flash is illegal, unless you're a graveyard-shift webcam girl with a comic book obsession. Second of all, Sherene asked for it by making eye contact with Wino! These moronic whores keep making that mistake. One of the rules of life is that when the Wino is in your midst, bury all your crack rocks in the dirt and then don't make any sudden moves.

Wino didn't let a little thing called "getting charged with a crime" fuck with her boozing. Last night, she celebrated by getting absolutely obliterated. Even her crackhive looks tanked. The Daily Mail says that at an even at Selfridges last night, Wino smashed drinks on the floor and could barely speak. Then some idiotic motherfucker actually asked her for a picture! They got off lucky because Wino just snarled at them.

Here's some pictures of Wino being Wino last night with Nick Grimshaw. Something tells me Nick probably wasn't happy this morning when he woke up with a bad case of meth crotch.

Take a good, hard look at this sexy lady. What man wouldn't give up his favorite crack pipe just so he could cuddle up next to this hot piece for a quick second. Although, don't cuddle up too close, because the Wino can turn any second and bite your cheek off Cape Fear-style. Then you'll have no cheek and a bad case of crackalitis. Other than that, she really is a sweet thing (not really). That's why I don't understand why Blaaaaake doesn't love her anymore!!! That slag must be sober, because he's not thinking right.

The Mirror says that while Wino is touring the gourmet shops near her new house for rare delicacies like Skittles and ice pops, Blaaaake is laying up with some 16-year-old ho. According to some skanks, 27-year-old Blaaaake has been going around with 16-year-old Francesca Morralee since January. The two must have met on the dating website e(is for Ecstasy)harmony.com or maybe Blaaake just hangs outside schools a lot. It's not known, but Francesca is telling everyone it's true, true love.

One friend said, "Fran thinks it's glamorous to be seeing Amy's man but she's only 16. She likes to have a good time but certainly doesn't do drugs. With Blake's reputation he is not the best role model."

You might not see PedoBear doing the happy dance around Blaaaake and his new toy, because I think 16 is the legal age over there. But I'm pretty sure that sexing up a Blaaake Fielder-Civil breaks several world laws if your name is not Amy Wino. Franny is infecting herself with Blaaaake's slime and in turn will spread it to all of us! Throw the girl in quarantine and soak her in a hot bath of formaldehyde.

Franny might not have done the bad shit before, but she's totally riding the dragon bareback if she's hooking up with that cracktard. Even kissing Blaaake on the cheek is the equivalent to sticking a heroin-filled pump up your ass and screaming "Filler up!"

Here's the former Crackie of Camden trolling around her new neighborhood yesterday. She looks kind of clean, eh? But that sweater dress totally makes her crackhive look fat.