Amy Winehouse

According to Congressman Steve Buyer of Indiana, smoking lettuce is just like smoking cigarettes. Why do I picture a strung out bunny and a whorey guinea pig sharing a lettuce joint in a back alley?

Good ole' Steve's theory got me thinking about smoking lettuce, so I decided to do some extensive research (aka a ten-second Google search) on the subject. I found this about iceberg lettuce:

When cut, the stems of lettuce plants ooze a milky juice whose appearance, taste, and smell are said to be similar to opium. Once dried, the substance is called lactucarium, or lettuce opium. Used by the ancient Egyptians, the stuff was listed in the Pharmacopeia of the United States of America as late as 1916. It can still be found in herbals and such, which describe it as a sedative and cough suppressant. Lettuce opium can be found in all lettuce species but is most commonly extracted from wild lettuce, Lactuca virosa.

Grab my salad spinner, we're going lettuce huntin'! Do you think you can flavor your lettuce joints with different kinds of dressing?

Don't be surprised if you see me on an episode of Intervention muttering to myself "fix fix gotta get my - lettuce - fix fix" while trolling the produce section of a grocery store.

And here's some pictures of Amy Wino in St. Lucia yesterday, because I'm sure she tries to smoke every single thing she comes in contact with.

When Amy Wino isn't swallowing tequila bottles whole, she's holding court with the locals of St. Lucia and teaching them the ways of the crackie. Seriously, what in Crackie of the Flies Hell is going on here? All I see is Wino sucking her thumb and the locals looking at her with "bitch you crazy" eyes. They are probably wondering why she's suckling on her thumb like that. The answer is simple. If you were filled with 95% crack, you'd be sucking on your thumb too for a quick fix. And that little girl who is hugging on Wino better dip herself in holy water, because she's been touched with the crackie fevah!

The Daily Mail has a long sadful tale of Amy Wino's downward spiral in St. Lucia. For those of you have the attention span of a crackhead with ADD, I'll give it to you quick. Basically, Wino isn't doing shit down. The label sends hos down there to listen to her new shit and they aren't impressed. Wino says she still loves Blaaaaake, but is happy that he's having a baby with another bird. Wino is over crack, but she's now cuddling up to a new poison: TEQUILA!!!!!!!!!!! Did somebody say tequila?????

The reporter from the DM caught up with her one morning at her hotel bar. Wino was on her second tequila shot by 9 in the morning. This was considered a slow morning for Wino, because usually she would've gulped her 6th shot by then. The bartender wouldn't give her a third and instead served her a cup of chamomile tea. When the bartender walked away for a second, Wino jumped back there and had a quickie with the tequila bottle. When the bartender came back, Wino asked for another shot. Her request was denied, but the Wino was not defeated. She kept sneaking shots whenever the bartender shuffled away for a second.

The entire resort knows about Wino's tequila addiction. The maids are regularly sent out to buy more whenever Wino has downed their entire stock. Mitch Wino was looking after his daughter, but when she started going at the booze in a major way, he ran back to England. Mitch said, "I've decided to distance myself, and whatever happens, happens. It's her life and it's her decision."

Yes, Wino is still a mess, but my question is why is in St. Lucia? If homegirl has the major thirsties for tequila why isn't she down in Mexico? In certain parts of Mexico, tequila comes out of the faucets. Even some of the toilets are filled with tequila. That makes it extra easy to drop and reload! I'm pretty sure that if they ever run out of tequila down there the entire country will be shut down, so that's not even an option. Listen to me. I'm a total enabler. But we are talking about tequila here.

Here's the tequila fiend with her new alkie apprentice in St. Lucia yesterday.

The Wino's big comeback show at London's Shepherd's Bush Empire on May 31st has been puffed out. The show will not go on. Sorry to those of you who were hoping to get a crack loogie dropped on your head or a Wino claw jabbed into your cheek. It's not going to happen. Wino's spokeswhores issued a statement to The Sun:

"Amy and her band will no longer be performing at the Shepherd's Bush Empire on May 31. Amy would like to apologize to her fans who bought tickets for the shows."

This news shouldn't make a hamster jump out of your ass, because every ho saw this coming after she got mega drunked the other day and had to go to THE CLINIC again. Although, her spokeswhores should've told the truth and said that Wino can't let a little thing called "performing" get in the way of her boozing. Priorities!

And by "her thing," I mean filling her bony ass body with so much of the sweet nectar that she ends up collapsing on the floor. Party buzz killer! Yeah, our little Drunky of the Caribbean has done it again. The Sun says that last Friday, Wino was in her villa swallowing booze by the gallons when she got sick and had to be rushed to the hospital. The nurses at the hospital probably gave a "This drunk bitch again" face when she was wheeled in. They just jump-started her liver and said, "See you next week!"

A source said that Wino was only in the hospital for a few hours and was discharged that same night. This was the third time in three months. Friends think that Wino's mega boozing might keep her from performing in the UK in a couple of weeks. Wino is scheduled to play London's Shepherd’s Bush Empire on May 31st, but it's looking highly unlikely. A friend said, “Amy’s gig might as well be canceled now. She’s not going to make it. It’s not worth her while even if she does make it, it will be a shambles. She is not ready for it and she proved it at the festival.”

Yeah, I think the UK has already closed their borders to anybody with the name Amy Winehouse who smells like roach poop, banana skins and bar slime. So her big comeback isn't going to happen.

But what I want to know is, how is St. Lucia not completely dry yet? Do gigantic ships filled with thousands of crates of booze arrived every hour just for Wino?! Are bars just serving her sea water with a drop of ether in it? I don't understand. And Wino could've saved herself a few million coins if she checked into Sandals instead. That shit is all-inclusive. Sandals would've went bankrupt within a couple of days, though. Weeeeeee!

The Crackie of the Caribbean's triumphant return to the stage ended last night in a storm of booooooos and hisssssses! Amy Wino's whores blamed it on the rain (that was fallin' fallin'), but the audience blamed it on her janky ass performance.

At last night's St. Lucia Jazz Festival, Wino fucked up the words to her own diddies, stumbled around, did a bunch of drunk ho stuff and that wasn't what the audience signed up for. They awarded her fuckery by jeering her ass. Wino fought back by giving them a couple of "fuck yous" before she lurched back to her crack nest.

Wino's whores didn't acknowledge the boos in this statement they gave to the Daily Mail: "Amy would like to express her disappointment that weather forced the abandonment of her show at the St Lucia Jazz Festival last night. Amy and the band tried to soldier on but the set had to be cut short. Amy is very disappointed as St Lucia has been wonderful to her and its people have welcomed her with open arms, but circumstances beyond anyone's control meant that this special show did not go as planned."

I'm a little disappointed in Wino too. Only because all she gave the audience was a weak ass "fuck you." Maybe Wino isn't ready for this shit yet, because the old ho would've hiked up her dress, straightened her crack hive, jumped into the audience and handled those haters. Bitch would've shanked, bit, stabbed, ate, punched, kicked, sliced, diced and decapitated any ho that got in her way. It would've been a massacre! That is the kind of entertainment we've come to expect from this crackie!

You can't keep a good drunktard down! A couple of days ago, Wino collapsed in St. Lucia, because that's what she does on a daily basis. We call it "passing the fuck out," she calls it "taking a sweet sweep nap." And her spokeswhore calls it "dehydration." After Wino kissed the floor, she was taken to the hospital, but was released a quick minute later. The Sun says that Wino went straight from her IV drip to the bottle. Wino was seen replenishing her fluids at a bar at the Le Sport resort.

Well, it is a scientific fact that booze cures the thirsties, cleanses your organs, kills germs and makes baby kittens smile. So this is just what the doctor ordered! Speaking of, I feel like I'm going to need an Emergen-C-tini soon. This morning, I woke up feeling like I might have the sicks in a bad way. Don't say the OINK word.....

Here's the Crackie Kid showing off her moves with her bodyguard yesterday. Crack off, crack on!

The Crackie of the Caribbean is currently laid up in the hospital in St. Lucia after she passed out in her villa. In other not-so-shocking news, Prince Hot Ginge makes my no-no percolate. I mean, really. Amy Wino is always in the clinic. Bitch's filled a dozen punch-cards (every 10 visits gives you a free morphine drip) by now. This time, her spokeswhore blamed it on "dehydration."

Wino's rep told The Sun, “Amy fainted after being out in the sun and without drinking water. She has been taking part in a lot of activities which also played a part.”

Yes. That's it was the sun. It wasn't the other activities she did like: eating a crack rock for lunch, smoking up a banana tree for dessert or snorting up some sand after the island children joked that it would give her a buzz. No, it wasn't any of that. It was the SUN. You know the sun is giving her the death eye for blaming its ass.

While Wino's bitch says she was just thirstay, the locals say otherwise. They spotted Wino stumbling out of one of the beach bars earlier in the day after guzzling down half of the joint. LIGHTWEIGHT!

As if Amy Wino couldn't get even more naturally beautiful, she's now sporting a beauty mark on her leg. A beauty mark that probably matches an open wound on Wonky McValtrex's vag lips.

Wino's spokeswhore blamed the burn on a rogue crack pipe boiling pot of pasta. Apparently, Wino was trying to do some cooking shit in St. Lucia when a pot accidentally tipped over and sprayed her leg with hot water. Wino's got enough of the bad shit in her system, so she just shrugged it off, snorted some of the dead skin and went on with her life.

Looking at that shit is making my nails crack, but Wino hardly feels any pain! A source told The Sun she's going around the island like nothing, “Amy’s wounds looked so painfully sore — she really should cover them up or get herself under an umbrella. They were covered in sand too. We couldn’t believe she wasn’t keeling over in pain.” Yeah, well, it's a scientific fact that a river full of crack running through your veins kills pain!

Every time I see nasty wounds like this, I always want to pour rubbing alcohol over it to watch it sizzle and crack. I bet if I did that to Wino, that shit would light up and everyone in the room would instantly be riding on a white cloud from the contact high.

It seems like all the crack, heroin, freon, battery acid and (insert every drug name here), didn't kill Blaaaaaaake's sperm, because the dude has possibly created a fetus. That's what a 31-year-old jobless heroin addict and mother of 2 claims. Child Protective Services please stand by. You will be needed in 3...2...

Gilleen Morris has told The News of the World that she is six weeks pregnant with Blaaake's baby. Amy Wino's husband began putting his crack pipe in Gilleen's heroin box last February after they met in rehab. They did gross and unprotected things together for about three weeks until they were caught. That's when the nastiness ended. Gilleen said she never knew this would happen. HOW IZ BABEHZ GETS MADE?

Gilleen said Blaaake only talked about Wino a few times and said he was never going back to her.

Shortly after they started doing fucky times together (the visual makes cockroaches barf), Gilleen found out she was knocked up. When Gilleen got out of the rehab, she went to the doctor and he confirmed that she was carrying a dragon chasing baby! When she told Blaaaake the news, at first he said "OH FUCK" and then he said he would help her raise their child. Such sweet poetry, right?

Gilleen's first instinct was to get an abortion, but isn't sure what to do now after hearing Blaaaake would support her. The heroin head said, "Life as single mum wouldn't be good. I raised two kids before as a single mum and it was very tough. I'm older now, but every day is a challenge to stay off heroin. Once I've met Blake again face to face I'll decide what to do. He's too young to settle down, but if he could be a good parent that's something different. It would be good for him. Having a child gives you a new outlook on life. You see things differently. Blake would want to protect the baby. It could help beat his drug problems."

What in the fuck?! Does she think she's going to give birth to Dr. Drew or some shit?! Babies don't cure crackheads! If anything they make that shit worse. Babies want to make you hit the bad shit with all their crying and pooping! She should know. She has two kids already and still a junked-up twat.

Nothing good can come from this! Gilleen could very well give birth to a giant mole filled with heroin! Then Wino will come and snort it up! Or worse, Gilleen and Blaaaaake will try to raise the poor baby! Eventually, they would try to sell it for an 8-ball! Vadge needs to adopt it. That's the only way.

There's also a good chance that a) she's not knocked up (crackheads tend to lie for a quick buck) or b) (read this in your best Maury Povo voice) Blaaaake isn't even the father!!!