Amy Winehouse

Cats are better at this internet stuff than all of us! Not only can they ruin your life by framing you for downloading child porn, but they can also start a Facebook profile so that they can stalk your ex-junked-up-husband. The Sun says that Wino's pussy, Shirley, now has her own Facebook page and is using it to post messages to Blaaaaaaaaaaaake.

Shirley, who might be lapping up a little heroin milk before she posts, wrote this message on his wall: "Oi mummy was saying to her friend about th time she made you breakfast an you drank all th nesquik til you was sick xxxxxxx." In another message, Shirley's paws typed out: "Sailor sort it you're her co-hort. consort still. as you both know you're unswerving. just as much as you're deserving."

Shirley's charms have worked, because Blaaaaake quickly changed his relationship status from "Single" to "It's complicated." A couple of days later, "It's complicated" became "MARRIED."

And before you start thinking that Wino is pretending to be Shirley, think again. Do you really think Wino knows how to spell that well? Like she can really spit out more than 5 words without passing out on the keyboard. This is all Shirley. Just look at that picture of Shirley. You can tell she's a slutty crackheaded puss who will stop at nothing to steal a bitch's man. Wino, come get your life back from that skank Shirley!

Now that Blaaaaake and Wino are officially over, he's queefing out a bunch of tales about their druggy shenanigans together and this one co-stars fellow professional snorter Kate Moss! A couple of years back, Blaaaake and Wino were partying it up with Kate at the Gramercy Hotel in NYC. The sweet nectar was flowing, but Kate was in the mood to go skiing, so she asked Wino to fish a bill out of her purse. Wrong move, Kate......

Blaaaaake told The Daily Mail, "Kate had told Amy to get a $10 note out of her handbag to snort lines with. But Amy told me she found two grams of cocaine in there – so she nicked them. We did some in the toilets and had sex, but we did the rest in front of everyone."

Good move, Wino....

Blaaake said that Kate never noticed, because she was under a booze spell as usual. But really, what's 2 grams to Kate? Bitch snorts that in her sleep.

And if BloHan ever invites Wino over for a "snack," she shouldn't be surprised if the little crackie shows up with a shopping cart.

Amy Wino has knocked the crack demon off her back (that's what they say) and is doing better, but that hasn't stopped her ex-husband Blaaaaaake from blabbing about the time she almost went off to the great big crackhouse in the sky (or maybe it's further south?). Blaaaake, who is still selling out Wino for a check, said she pretty much died one night a few years back. Just another day in the life......

The year was 2006 and Wino wanted to celebrate the success of her album Back to Black. Celebrating for Wino meant going on a 3-day binge where she swallowed pubs whole and ate entire crackhouses. Blaaake said that on the night of day 3, he put her to bed, because she had not slept at all. That's when Wino started to do the infamous crackie shimmy. Blaaake told The Sun, "It was nearly midnight and I'd finally got her upstairs. We were sitting on the bed. Her eyes suddenly went blank. She started having a fit on the bed. She slid down on to the floor before I could stop her. She started quivering again and it suddenly grew into what seemed like a full-blown epileptic fit."

Just a quick question. Was Maryann from True Blood in the room by chance?

Blaaaaake was afraid Wino might bite her tongue right off, so he pulled it out of her mouth and gave her mouth-to-mouth. Yeah, I'm not a doctor nor do I play one on cable TV, but I'm sure Blaaaake was just breathing more of the bad shit into her body. You know his ass was not sober like a fetus. In fact, he was probably so fucked up himself that he accidentally blew air into her nose instead.

Blaaake went on to say, "I held her to me - and I thought she was dying in my arms... I couldn't bear for her to die in front of me."

And by "her," he meant his checking account and bad shit supplier.

Wino was rushed to the hospital where the nurses threw up their hands, screamed "CODE WINO" and then fed her ice pops, washed her crackhive in Pedialyte and called in the local priest to perform another crackorcism on her. Wino recovered and was released. Rinse and repeat!

The case of the dancer versus the slap happy crackie has come to an end! As expected, the judge declared Amy Wino "not guilty" of whoopin' a trick last year. The Sun says that when the verdict was read, Wino just shrugged and sat there. Wino knew that under the Pete Doherty Law, all famous crackies can do no wrong in the eyes of the court! Yup, get yourself a hit record, puff some of the bad shit and slappity slap slap to your heart's content!

The judge told the court: "Having heard the evidence from all the witnesses, I cannot be sure that this was not an accident. The charge is dismissed and the defendant discharged." Why did he have to use the words "defendant discharged" together like that? I was planning on having spaghetti with chunky meat sauce and sun-dried tomatoes for dinner and now I'm going to have to pass.....

Apparently, Wino didn't really move once everyone started to leave the court room. Wino sat there confused until one of her lawyers had to tell her ass that she was free to smack hos again. Outside of the court, Wino told reporters, "I'm relieved. I'm going home to freebase Cheerios."

Wino may be relieved, but cheeks and eyeballs all over the UK aren't. I'm telling you. If you ever make eye contact with Wino, you better just get ahead of yourself and call for an ambulance, because you will need one in a quick minute. YAY!

And here's Wino looking like a business woman from Transylvania walking to work (she keeps a pair of Easy Spirit heels in her desk drawer).

The former Crackie of Camden bailed her crackhive out of the pound, plopped it on her head, went through a car wash a couple of times, slipped on her freshly groomed ballet slippers and shuffled into a court in London this morning to faces charges for fisting a ho in the eye last year.

25-year-old (68 in crackie years) Amy Wino sat with her daddy as the prosecutors told the court about how she deliberately punched dancer Sherene Flash in the eye at a club last September. Sherene apparently asked Wino for a picture and got a crack knuckle to the face instead. The prosecutor said that Wino might have been under the influence of something. Hand me a wheel and a boat hat, because we've got ourselves a new Captain Understatement here!

Wino told the court that she was basically defending herself, because Sherene is the size of a Khloe Kardashian and she's just a little thing. Wino agreed to take a picture with Sherene, but wanted to say goodbye to a friend first. That's when Sherene put her arm around Wino and said that her friend can wait. And well, when you hold down a crackie, you're going to get whooped. Wino also admitted that she might have drank a little champagne, vodka and white wine that night. By "a little," I think she meant enough to keep every future cast of The Real World liquored up for their entire season.

The case against Wino is to be continued......

Have you always wanted to smell like you've been laying in the moldy bathtub of a crackhouse for several days, but don't want to deal with the hassle of well....becoming a crackhead? You're in luckity luck, because Amy Wino is apparently working on her own fragrance (smells like cat piss, crusty scabs, empty ice pop wrappers, Blaaaake's dried-up dick saliva and weave glue) !

This story is most likely made of lies, but let me dream! Nothing would make me happier than prancing through Kohl's and seeing local crackies in crakehives spraying hos with Eau de Wino!

A source (aka an intern with a beautiful imagination) tells the Daily Star, “Mitch (Wino's papa je'e) is keen to licence Amy’s name to a perfume house. He has been in talks with manufacturers and contacted PR firms for advice. They want it to reflect her style with a classic smoky 1950s look and smell. Amy is keen to expand her brand and wants to latch on to the celeb perfumes bandwagon while she can. They know her fans love to copy her style, and her trademark fashion and beehive hair-do were last year’s must-have look.”

One "industry insider" is hating on this idea, "Frankly, she doesn’t look like she smells that nice, so doing some positive publicity to prove it doesn’t just smell of stale booze and fags would be vital.”

Stale booze and fags?! That sounds more like Eau de Michael K's No-No Hole.

Every crackie in Camden will be bowing their heads for a few seconds longer as they light their pipe today, because the cracked out romance of this century has had its last puff! Wino's divorce to Blaaaaake was granted today which means they are no more. Wino and Blaaaake weren't in court today when a judge brought down the machete. It only lasted a few seconds.

Blaaaake is the one who filed for divorce and wrote down "adultery" as the reason why he wanted their beautiful union flushed down the toilet. Wino admitted to doing NOT RIGHT sexy times last year with a couple of dudes. In the papers, Wino admits to passing her married puss around and also stated that she will not defend the case. No, she wouldn't even scream "BLAAAAAAAKE" at the top of her molten lungs one last time. What is going on in this world?!

I feel like we should all put on a pair of caca-covered ballet slippers and run through the street screaming "BLAAAAAAKE" for old time's sake, because this means I have to start calling him just "Blake." Or just "fucktard," because anybody who pushes away love from such a beautiful creature really has heroin ash for brains.

The only good thing that come out of this split is if Wino finds comfort in the track mark-covered arms of DREAMBOAT DOHERTY! I think every dealer in the world just jizzed their pants.

Source: People

Amy Wino returned to London today after spending six-months in St. Lucia! The island of St. Lucia just moved over a few miles, because all the natives let out a sigh of relief at once. And suddenly, the island no longer reeks of tequila barf, toe butter and flea shit.

When Wino landed today and got a whiff of the fresh crack air, she immediately got a little weepy in the eyes, because she was so happy to be back! Her spokeswhore says that Wino just can't wait to catch up with old friends. Hopefully, by "old friends" she doesn't mean roach clips, crack pipes or Blaaaaaaake!

Wino is in town to face charges for whooping a trick last year. Wino will also continue to work on her new album. Apparently, her label isn't thrilled with Wino after hearing some new tracks she did in St. Lucia.

You know, Wino doesn't look like a year old soap scum-covered hairball caught in your drain, so the ocean breezes did her some good! I'll admit that I miss her crackhive, but it's best that they aren't together anymore. I'm guessing her crackhive is currently at rehab facility somewhere in California spilling its feelings to Dr. Drew. It's for the best.

This is just a short update so that you can get boozed tonight without worrying that Amy Wino spontaneously combusted into a tequila fountain or was accidentally mistaken for one of the islands mutts and put in quarantine. The Lush of Lucia is alive and healthy....ish!!! I mean, her ballet slippers haven't run away and she doesn't look like a Dia de los Muertos puppet anymore. The local nectar is working wonders (It's Friday, let me be generous) on her!

Wino also has company on the island. Kendra Wilkinson is there with her new husband Hank Baskett. It's pretty obvious as to why Kendra chose The Isle Of Wino as the place to spend her honeymoon. Kendra is totally not strictly dickly. She's there, because she wants to run her tongue all over Wino's Chuck E. Cheese.

Amy Wino is the unofficial island mother of St. Lucia and has become one with the locals including the stray dogs. The dogs are probably drawn to Wino because her crotch area always smells like rotten brisket in an empty tuna can.

Wino has been bringing back every dog she meets to her rented villa at the Cotton Bay complex, but management has put a stop to it and closed down her makeshift kennel. They are afraid that the flea-ridden beasts will infect the other guests. Yeah, sure, blame it on the poor mutts. It's well know that Wino's body has been the most popular vacation spot for fleas, ticks, scabies, etc.... You know her snatch shrub has more bed bugs on it than a mattress on the street. And the dogs get blamed!

A source told The Sun, “Management initially turned a blind eye to what Amy was doing. But she’s adopted about five or six dogs now. They’re all strays, without the proper vaccinations and they all have fleas. The management did not want the risk of any of the fleas infecting any of the other rooms. So they got a firm of fumigators in to blitz Amy’s quarters and told her not to bring any more animals on site.”

I guess that means Wino's crackhive better cancel its travel plans then. And did they fumigate Wino as well? Homegirl kind of needs to be tarped like a house for a few weeks.