Amy Winehouse

The Crackie of Camden checked out of the hospital on Friday where she was being treated for a "chest infection." Well, after spending the weekend at her crack den, she's back in THE CLINIC! Wino's spokeswhore said she clocked back into the hospital today for ongoing treatment.

Wino just needed to go home and "stock up" before spending the rest of the week in the hospital. She's like a crackie chipmunk. Crackmunk!

A source tells People that Wino is trying to quit smoking fags and getting a little help for it. "She has been told to give up smoking and was initially struggling with that – she was covered in nicotine patches at one point. But she is making an effort."

Nicotine patches won't work on her! The second they touch her skin, they shrivel up and fall off. Good luck to Wino! But you know the cigarette industry is going caca in their panties this morning at the thought of Wino quitting fags!

The Crackie of Camden is on the loose in London tonight after spending a few days in THE CLINIC (dun dun dun) for some kind of "chest infection." (Cue eye rolls!) Wino was picked up by her daddy and friend Blake "not Blaaaake" Wood. Not Blaaake should've stayed at the hospital, because he looks like he could use a quickie with a defibrillator. After that, he needs an intimate dinner date with an IV for a couple of hours.

Being laid up in the hospital for a few days worked wonders on the little crackie. She actually looks sort of lifelike! Eating actual food instead of just feasting on crack smoke did her a little bit of good.

Even her ballet slippers look like they got a sponge bath. Now if she can just work on getting back in her crackhive's good graces again. That crackhive bitch got sick of Wino's shit and hit the road for less fucked-up pastures. I think it's hiding in Beyonce's wig closet. Wino should just sent it a Vermont Teddy Bear as an apology. That always works for me.

Our little Crackie of Camden put on her Saturday best and skipped off to rehab in London yesterday for like the billionth time this year. Hopefully, it'll stick this time!

Wino was taken to The Clinic (DUN DUN DUN) by her friend Blake Wood. Mitch Wino got on his soap box and told The News of the World that Wino just has a "chest infection" (aka a crack cough). Then Daddy Wino sang them a fucking aria, performed his comedy routine over the phone and promised to send their asses some autographed pictures of himself. Get your eye and ear plugs out, because now that Wino is back in rehab, Daddy Wino is not going to shut up his lips.

Below are a few more pictures of the Crackie of Camden flashing her delicious burnt butter teefs while making her way into the tank for more fun and games. Yes, I'm fully aware that she looks like a hobo rat with a bad case of meth pox who just crawled out of a dirty toilet, but that's not my issue with her appearance.

I'm concerned about the fact that her crackhive is missing! Put out a fucking APB! If the crackhive is not with her, shit must be serious. You know that scared crackhive is hiding under her bed, rocking itself to sleep to stop the visions. Don't you worry your hairy little head, Crackhive! Everything will be alright now that Wino is back in The Clinic, right? As long as she eats the Jello, she'll be fine. Eat the Jello, Wino! And then soak those teefs in some OxiClean!

Last month, Amy Wino kind of, sort of, maybe punched a dancer bitch in the eye at a charity concert. It was a misunderstanding really. The dancer bitch obviously didn't understand this is the Crackie of Camden's way of saying "Please, Miss. Give me some space." Instead of just walking it off and eating a cookie, the dancer bitch called the police and reported it. Tattle-taler!

The police scheduled an appointment with Wino to come on down to the station for some tea and biscuits, so that they could talk about this little incident like well-behaved adults. Well, guess what happened? She showed up! Yeah, right. I'm just having a laugh. Of course, Wino didn't show up! Because of this, the police are threatening to go down to her crack kingdom and arrest her ass.

A friend of Wino's told The Sun, "She’s doing so many drugs she is completely out of it. It’s hardly surprising she missed the interview."

The cops fucking needs to lock themselves up for being dumb enough to think that Wino would actually show up to an appointment. If they want The Wino, they have to get creative. These buffoons should leave a trail of crack pebbles from her house to the station. Or they should send crack smoke signals from the station.

That said, they are wasting their time! The Wino is above the law!!

Amy Wino is known for talking to bitches who buzz on her intercom. She's like the crack version of Charlie. A French reporter sashayed up to her little talking box yesterday and Wino gave her an impromptu interview. Wino mainly talked about her Blake. Yes, she said Blake and not BLAAAAAKE. For real. Something in the crack pipe ain't smoky. Or something like that. Seriously, Wino doesn't sound like herself! What am I supposed to call her now? The Non-Crackie of Camden? The Cookie of Camden? The Caca of Camden? It's just not the same.....

Who spiked her crack with vitamins?! Fess up!

Snorting coke for breakfast, lunch, dinner, dessert and all your snacks must get kind of mundane and boring, so you can't blame the Crackie of Camden for trying to sugar up her diet it a little bit.

A friend of Wino's tells the News of the World that is obsessed with a new delicious treat: cokey cotton candy!

It all started when Wino showed her friend and fellow crackhead Mik Whitnall her new $1400 cotton candy machine. Mik suddenly got the idea to sprinkle a little booger sugar on a piece of cotton candy.

The friend said, “He and some pals sprinkled a wrap of coke into the mixture and Amy started eating it before she realized what they’d done. She now thinks it’s a hoot to do the same. With her painfully thin frame and her wild beehive hair, she’s actually starting to look like a stick of candy floss herself."

Wino might be on to something. I have always thought of her as the crackhead version of Martha Stewart. She should put out her own book of recipes: Cooking with CRACK (and other illegal substances). She could make everything from crackchiladas to heroin in a blanket. It's a crack thing.

I used an older picture of Amy Wino because we already know what she looks like now. Her crack zombie image probably haunts your nightmares regularly. Tommy Girl and his alien army promise Wino that they can turn her back into that smiley girl with yellow teefs.

The Crackie of Camden reportedly received some kind of phone call from the Scientology Center in Los Angeles. They told Wino they could help her with that whole "being addicted to crack shit" by enrolling her into their Narconon drugs program. Translation: They want her CASH and her ice pop stash. I bet ice pops make Tommy Girl all giddy and shit.

A source told The Mirror, “They told her they wanted to help her beat drugs and could tailor-make a program so she wouldn’t have to go to a residential center. She liked that idea because her husband Blake is out of prison soon and wouldn’t want to be away from him when he’s finally freed.”

The program consists of three stages. The first part involves taking a bunch of vitamins. The second part includes a "detox diet" and saunas. Then you have to work through a series of Scientology self-help books. The final stage involves trading your soul and heart in for a memory chip and hard drive. That last part isn't known to the general public.

Hmmm...would you rather be a brainwashed alien worshiper with Tommy Girl's permanent shit stain on your nose? Or would you rather be a crackhead? Basically, would you rather have Stepford Katie's life or Wino's life? I'd go with the latter. Either way, she's totally fucked! Daddy Spears, come save this child from the aliens and the crack monsters!

If you ever think you have it really fucking bad, just think of the Crackie of Camden's nose. That nose has been through some tough shit and it's about to call it a day! Fox News reports that Amy Wino's nose is thisclose to standing up and screaming, "I quit this bitch!" A friend of Wino's says that she's worried about her nose.

The friend said, “Amy knows that her nose is next to fall apart — she admitted to me that it feels weak at the bone." When Wino was told her nose is looking wrecked, she said, "Yeah, it’s a problem, but it’s my problem so leave it. With that she fell against the DJ stand and seemed to fall asleep.”

I don't blame her nose. It's probably sick of being used like a damn Dirt Devil. Wino's nose has more residual white shit dripping out of it than Gay Al Reynold's ass at a gay pride orgy. The inside of her nose probably looks like a bomb site. But honestly, Wino has bigger shit to worry about than her nose busting out of there. She needs to worry about her fucking organs calling in sick one day.

Cholas loves Sharpies, Clay Gayken adores peen and Amy Wino has hit another bitch in the face. The Sun reports that after the Crackie of Camden was a complete mess during her goddaughter's performance at the End Of Summer Ball, she crack punched a dancer in the face after she asked for a picture. Well, that's Wino's way of saying "not today!"

The lady dancer, Sherene Flash, called the police and they showed up to the event to take her statement. I'm sure they loved that. They probably rolled their eyes at Sherene and told her to take a number. The police also told Sherene they would talk to Wino at a later time.

A source said: “Sherene asked Amy if she could take a photo. Amy was OK at first, but when Sherene asked if a friend could get in the shot, Amy lashed out. She was getting distressed. There was a lot of grabbing and flashbulbs were going off. She was startled.”

Okay, if you get near Wino, you deserve to get slapped in the teeth. I would only get near her if I had a box of ice pops with me. She would never hit someone with ice treats in their hands. Well, she would take the ice pops first and then headbutt you, but at least you'd have a few non-violent seconds with her.

And you know who deserves to get smacked in the fucking mouth? Mitch Wino! He needs to pull his fat mouth away from the microphone and come take care of this girl.

This is the worst I've seen the Crackie of Camden look in a long ass time and that's saying A LOT! My neck is thicker than one of her thighs. Shit, I think my wrist is thicker than her thighs. Somebody please put her on the Michael K Diet Plan as soon as possible! Or check her into the nearest Hometown Buffet. Something!

Mitch Wino obviously doesn't give a fuck. He's too busy issuing statements, talking to the press, rubbing his fat ass belly and making himself famous. Wino should be handed over to Daddy Spears.

Wino ventured out of her crack den last night to perform at a charity event with her goddaughter, Dionne. No, Wino was not the charity case they were there to support. Wino was supposed to only provide back-up vocals for Dionne, but that's not what happened. A witness told the Daily Mail that Wino ended up jumping all over Dionne while she tried to sing. The witness said: "Amy didn’t really sing a single note — it sounded more like she was grunting down the mic.?

At the end of night, Wino tried to headbutt a photographer after he tried to take a picture of her. She then ran backstage in tears. The witness went on to say: "Amy collapsed backstage in tears. She kept saying, ‘Life can’t go on, I can’t do this’."

When Wino got home, she screamed at the paps as she stumbled into her house holding her crack hive up. I'm pretty sure her crack hive wears more than she does. And it also looks like one of her ballet slippers ran away. It couldn't stand this fuckery any longer.

Here's more of Wino earlier in the night at the charity event and then outside of her Camden crack den. I apologize for including the picture of her scratching (or fingering?) her crackey 'gina.