Amy Winehouse

On Amy Winehouse's death certificate, it says that her official cause of death is "death by misadventure," which sort of makes it sound like she died in a water raft accident with The Rescuers. But it means that there were no illegal drugs found in her system and she wasn't the victim of foul play. Amy Winehouse died of accidental alcohol poisoning....maybe. Over a year after her death, the coroner's inquest into the death of Amy Winehouse will be reheard.

The Camden New Journal says the reason is because Suzanne Greenway, the assistant deputy coroner who ran the inquiry into Amy's death, doesn't really have the qualifications needed to fill the position and all of us could probably beat her in a game of Operation. Suzanne apparently only got the job, because she was slurping on the right peen. She's married to Andrew Reid, a fellow coroner who gave her the position. They've both resigned.

Since Suzanne Greenway didn't have the experience needed to officially declare a cause of death, London officials are launching a new inquest to make sure nothing was missed. Amy Winehouse's family says that they have nothing to do with the new inquest. The new inquest will be heard on January 8, 2013.

Suzanne Greenway was totally wrong, obviously, and when the new inquest is finally heard, officials will correct Amy Winehouse's death certificate and state that her official cause of death is: BLAAAAAAAAAKE!

Blake Fielder-Civil, the Sid to Amy Winehouse's Nancy, is sitting on the stoop in front of death's door today after a booze and bad shit binge put him in a coma. Sarah Aspin, Blake's girlfriend and the mother of his 15-month-old son, tells The Sun (via NME) that she found him choking on his own vom in bed and she immediately called for an ambulance. Several of Blake's internal organs failed and so doctors put him in a medically induced coma.

A source tells The Sun that after visiting with his probation officer, Blake met up with a friend and together they swallowed a lake full of the sweet nectar and it's not known what kind drugs he did, but apparently he bought a packet of heroin and some morphine earlier in the day. Sarah says that Blake came stumbling through the door, slurred out a few words and immediately went to bed. At 6 the next morning, she found him having a MAN DOWN CODE 10 situation. Sarah went on to say:

"The doctors say they don't know the prognosis. They said they put him in a coma to help him and due to infection. I'm praying he’ll survive, but I'm having to prepare myself that he may never wake up. I am devastated, just devastated, at what has happened. I just want to cry all the time — but I have to be strong for our son Jack.”

Amy's dad, Mitch Winehouse, went on Twitter (yes, of course, he's on Twitter) this morning and asked his daughter's fans to say a little prayer for Blake.

If only Amy Winehouse was still here, she'd scream "BLAAAAAAAAAAY AAAAAAAAY AAAAAAAAAAAY AAAAAAAAKE" so loud that his eyes would snap open.

Mitch Winehouse said a while ago that the Coroner informed the family that his daughter Amy Winehouse did not have heroin, cocaine, meth or anything else found in Lindsay Lohan's first-aid kit in her system at the time of her death. Mitch put on his crime solvin' hat and said that he believes his daughter got a piggyback ride from the Grim Reaper to the heavens, because she started drinking alcohol after a long break from the bottle. Mitch can give himself the saddest pat on the back ever, because he's right.

The coroner held a hearing this morning in London and explained that Amy had "416mg of alcohol per 100ml of blood." 350mg of booze is considered lethal and 80mg is the legal limit for driving in the UK. The coroner was told by Amy's family and doctors that she had quit drinking for two weeks straight and she started up again just a few days before her death. There were three empty bottles found in her bedroom. The coroner went on to say, "She had consumed sufficient alcohol at 416mg per decilitre (of blood) and the unintended consequence of such potentially fatal levels was her sudden and unexpected death."

The coroner declared Amy Winehouse's cause of death as "death by misadventure." "Death by misadventure" sounds like equal parts sad and strangely whimsical. Like the last title of a The Rescuers movie. I'm probably going to breathe my last breath into my Prince Hot Ginge blow-up doll while surrounded by my cat's children, but I still hope "death by misadventure" is written on my death certificate. RIP Amy. You lived by misadventure and died by misadventure.

UPDATE: I must have 350mg of booze in my system, because Mitch Winehouse actually said before that he believes Amy died of alcohol withdrawal. Mitch never said that he believes she died of drinking the sweet nectar after a break. So take back that sad pat, Mitch.

via Metro

The blood veins in Amy Winehouse's body were not flowing with narcotics of the illegal kind when she rode on a dirty ballet slipper up to the giant weave hive in heaven. That's what Amy's family tells Reuters. They say that the toxicology reports have come back and not one dollop of the illegal (key word: illegal) bad shit was found in her system, but booze was. Amy's family put out this statement:

"Toxicology results returned to the Winehouse family by authorities have confirmed that there were no illegal substances in Amy's system at the time of her death. Results indicate that alcohol was present but it cannot be determined as yet if it played a role in her death."

Scotland Yard tells TMZ that a Bloodhound dog in a bobby hat has yet to deliver the report to them (that's how their reports get delivered, right?).

Mitch Winehouse has already said that he didn't think Amy's lips touched a crack pipe for a while before her death, so this report has put him one step closer to getting an honorary monocle from Detective La Toya Jackson. However, Mitch Winehouse has also said that he thinks Amy died of sudden booze withdrawal since she quit the bottle cold turkey, so that honorary monocle has just taken one step back. Don't let that stop you, Mitch. Keep on getting down to the BOTTOM OF EVERYTHING.

St. Lucia was Amy Winehouse's second home and during most of 2009 you could find her there spending time with the locals or snatching glasses of the sweet nectar off of tables. The Sunday Mirror says that Amy was so at one with the people of St. Lucia that she was in the final stages of adopting a 10-year-old girl named Dannika Augustine. The thing is, Dannika isn't some orphan who lives in a cave off the beach with stray dogs and sells bracelets made out of her own hair to tourists. No, Dannika lives with her mother and grandmother, which makes this even weirder.

Dannika's mother is out of work and is struggling to feed her daughter, so Amy was going to save the day. Both of Dannika's parents were going to sign off on the adoption once Amy's lawyers finished up putting together the papers. Amy was also planning to move to St. Lucia so she could spend as much time as possible with Dannika before the adoption became official.

Dannika told The Mirror, “Amy was already my mother. I would call her mum and she would call me her ­daughter. She took care of me and we had fun together. I loved her and she loved me. She was the most amazing person and I was looking forward to living with her here or in London. I cannot believe she is gone. This is the worst thing that ever happened to me.”

Something tells me that Dannika would've also said that last line if Amy did adopt her ass.

Amy was not in a state to take care of a taxidermy turtle let alone a living, breathing human child. Dannika would've had to figure out real quick how to make soup out of weave cheese and dirty ballet slippers. Seriously, Child Protective Services would've opened up an office in front of Amy's house. That's why there's something off about this. If Amy's heart beat something special for Dannika, why didn't she just send her a check every month instead of adopting the kid?

I'm no Detective La Toya, but I'm pretty sure Dannika's family is trying to pull some coins out of Mitch Winehouse's pocket by trying to pull his heart strings. Joke's on their asses, though. Mitch Winehouse doesn't have heart strings anymore, thankyouverymuch. He already pulled those strings out and used 'em to tie up stacks of Amy's money to the bottom of his bed so Blaaaaake can't get to that shit. Ha and ha.

This mess needs no introduction, so without further adieu(doo) here's what Spaz de la Huerta said to The New York Observer (via Jezebel) about the death of Amy Winehouse:

“Look what just happened to Amy Winehouse! Maybe had she not seen so many bad pictures of herself she would have gotten more self esteem and not been so self-destructive.”

If you threw those words into a bowl, sprinkled a packet of sense on top, let it bubble a bit and then shoved it back in Paz's mouth, she would probably say something like, "Look what just happened to Amy Winehouse. Maybe if the media didn't publish pictures of her looking like a damn raggedy mess, she would've felt better about herself and wouldn't have smoked crack." Or something like that. It still doesn't make sense to me since the crack came long before the messy pictures. Maybe Paz simply meant that Amy needed more Glamour Shots in her life. That's what she meant, obviously.

Here's the grease bubble of crazy that is Spaz at the premiere of The Devil's Double in NYC the other night. I know what you're thinking, but Spaz has never ever ever ever ever been caught looking like a drunk skid mark, thankyouverymuch.

Mitch Winehouse, Janis Winehouse, Kelly Osbourne, Reg Traviss, Mark Ronson, Nick Grimshaw and dozens of mourners who aren't famous (so they were safe from me right click save-ing them) gathered at a synagogue in London this afternoon to pour a melted ice pop out for Amy Winehouse and say their goodbyes. Amy was cremated after the ceremony, because Mitch says it's a family tradition. Mitch also spoke at his daughter's funeral and told jokes about her childhood, says Amy's rep.

After the memorial, which was in Hebrew and English, Carole King's "So Far Away" played as everyone shuffled out. Amy's usually mute on-and-off-again piece Reg Traviss, who I didn't even know could speak words out loud, gave a statement to The Sun before her funeral.

"We have suffered a terrible untimely loss and want peace now.

I can't describe what I am going through and I want to thank so much all of the people who have paid their respects and who are mourning the loss of Amy, such a beautiful, brilliant person and my dear love.

I have lost my darling who I loved very much."

The prison wouldn't give Blaaaaaaake a day pass, so sadly he wasn't there to throw himself on the casket, chase down the hearse and then get into a slap match with Mitch in the middle of the street. That's the dramatic mess of a conclusion we all needed. And as for Pete "Dreamboat" Doherty, he couldn't make it either because he was on his way to South America to plead with La Pequena to come out of retirement so she can perform an in memoriam tribute to Amy at the Grammys. Stay tuned, as hos say.

It was as humid as an Amazon's armpit in NYC this past weekend and my hair still looks like Allison Janney's in Drop Dead Gorgeous, so I'm just going to say this is my head's way of paying a half homage to Amy. R.I.P.

Amy Winehouse's ex-husband Blaaaaaake Fielder-Civil is serving a 32 month prison sentence for burglary shit and guards put him on unofficial suicide watch after he nearly melted into a puddle of gingivitis, wet cigarettes and grease when he was told that the love of his life died on Saturday afternoon. Blaaaake, who some say is the one who first set Amy up on a blind date with crack, peeled himself off of his cell floor and cried out his sadness to The Sun. Blaaaaake has a new girlfriend and child (named Chop and Liver), but he says that he'll never feel the kind of love he felt when he was with Amy. The British Clarence Worley said this:

"I will never ever again feel the love I felt for her. Everybody who knew me and knew Amy knew the depth of our love. I can't believe she's dead. I'm beyond inconsolable ... my tears won't dry."

I'm sure Blaaaaake will find a way to plug his tear ducts since he's going need to his eyes to write that tell-all on a yellow pad and to count the mountains of pounds he'll get from selling a trunk full of unreleased demos. Moving on....

The Sun also says that Amy's record label sent a doctor to her house every week, because they were worried about her health and wanted to make sure she didn't completely slip back into the crack pipe. The doctor saw Amy on Friday night and didn't see any red flags. Amy's family said that the rumors that she bought a bad shit buffet of Special K, Ecstasy and coke the night before her death is a lie. They say that there were no signs of drugs in the house at the time of her death. Amy's rep says that she told her security guard that she was taking a nap at around 10am on Saturday. The security guard checked on her 6 hours later and found her not breathing.

So basically, Amy died alone and in bed, which is pretty much the way to go. Everyone says they want to go with their loved ones around them, but I don't want that shit. Just imagine staring at your grandchildren with sad snots trickling out of their noses. I don't want to use my last breath to tell them, "You sure look ugly when you cry."

And it looks like we've found a new Detective La Toya Jackson! Amy's father Mitch Winehouse says that he's going to get to THE BOTTOM OF EVERYTHING. Everything being his daughter's death. Pass the monocle, La Toya.

Here's Amy's father, mother and ex-boyfriend Reg visiting the shrine to her outside of her house.

As Amy Winehouse rolls around in the gigantic filthy ballet slipper that is heaven, everybody has a million words to say about her death, music and addiction to the bad shit. Russell Brand wrote a long piece on his time with Amy and his thoughts on addiction. And of course, the self-proclaimed Captain Save-a-Ho Courtney Love told Rolling Stone that she tried to knife fight Amy's demons twice.

Amy's father Mitch Winehouse was at JFK in NYC when he found out about his daughter's death and he immediately jumped back on a plane to be with his family in London. Mitch, Amy's mom Janis and her brother together issued this statement:

"Our family has been left bereft by the loss of Amy, a wonderful daughter, sister, niece. She leaves a gaping hole in our lives," the Winehouse family tells Us Weekly in a statement. "We are coming together to remember her and we would appreciate some privacy and space at this terrible time."

Before she asked for privacy, Janis told The Daily Mirror that she spent a little time with Amy on Friday and her daughter told her she loved her before she went left. Janis said that Amy seemed completely out of it on Friday and she knew this day was coming, "but her passing so suddenly still hasn't hit me."

Amy's autopsy has been scheduled for tomorrow and Scotland Yard is telling the media not to assume that she died of a bad shit overdose. But the Daily Mirror is hearing that Amy twirled into The 27 Club from filling her body with a bad ecstasy pill and a lake full of booze, which many ravers have told me not to do. During my ten second-long raver days (I couldn't burn my Elmo backpack and JNCO jeans fast enough), sensei ravers always warned my ass that booze and ecstasy went together like weed and vegetables. In other words, they don't.

Oh, and what about BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE?! Blaaaaaaake is currently locked up in the chokey, but his mom tells The Daily Star that she's putting him on suicide watch, because she says Amy's death will push him into a bad place. Georgette Fielder-Civil said, "Blake will kill himself. He won't make it without her. He will be devastated, totally and utterly devastated. He'll go straight back to self-harming. I'll have to ring the prison and he'll have to be put on watch. He was always ringing her and she was always ringing him. Blake always wanted her back. She couldn't walk away from him and he couldn't walk away from her. Her and Blake were both lost and we handled it badly."

Wait. Blaaaaaake is STILL in prison? They should shackle his ankles and let him out for Amy's funeral, because it wouldn't be right if she was buried without Blaaaaaake throwing himself on her casket while screaming, "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamy."

A few of you sent this in so I figured that maybe a few of you want to see it. But I promise I won't follow it with posts about Amy Winehouse's last ice pop or Amy Winehouse's last lit fag or Amy Winehoue's last etc.... I'm saving that for my tribute Tumblr page.

On Wednesday night, Amy's goddaughter/protege Dionne Bromfield performed at the iTunes Festival and she took the stage with her. She refused to yodel into the mic, so she just danced on stage for a bit. It's pretty much the same awkward clap dance my abuelita does on the pavement dance floor at a backyard party when an old Menudo song comes up and she doesn't know how to adjust her moves accordingly. Totally like that.

via Buzzfeed