Amy Winehouse

Amy Wino does not discriminate when it comes to who she lets lick on her labia lesions. The lezzie zombie chasers of the world are in luck!

One of Wino's friends tell the News of the World (I know, I know) that when asked what she thinks about Blaaaaake getting it on with a pre-op transsexual, she answered:

"So what? I like girls as well. I have had relationships with other women but that doesn't mean I don't still love Blake. There is something about being with a woman that is very satisfying. I don't care what people think about me being bi - I do what feels good."

You know, having sex repeatedly with Blaaaake would cause me to run into the open lips of a vagina too. Actually, scratch that. Having sex with Blaaaake would cause me to run into the open arms of a speeding semi-truck.

YES! Finally some real news to make your adam's apple twitch! This morning, The Sun published an ESCANDALO story about Blaaaaaaaaaaake's affair with a 17-year-old Amy Wino trans-alike. The ladyboy in question, Mia McHugh, tells The Sun about how she licked on Blaaaake's ass scabs for a few months after he found out she was a pre-op transsexual.

The two first met on Facebook (of course) last October, and the next day Mia hung out with Blaaake at a pub in Shoreditch. After they made out on the pool table in between Blaaaake's coke parties for one in the bathroom, they went to a local Travelodge to consummate their love.

Amy Wienerhouse talked about the first time Blaaake found out she has a peen instead of a poon, "He told me, 'You remind me of my Amy. You're so beautiful.' I was lying there and his hands were all over me. Then he suddenly realised. He stopped, looked at me, and said, 'Are you a transsexual'? I told him yes and he just smiled.He kept asking me questions about it - he was fascinated with my Adam's apple - and I was besotted with him."

Over the course of about six weeks, Blaaake would break his probation by traveling to London from Sheffield to spend the night doing sex stuff with Mia. Blaaaake even told Wino about his relationship with Mia. This prompted Wino to call Mia, and of course The Sun published the transcript of that "taped conversation." Wino reportedly told the trans version of herself, "I don't care what Blake does. I want to thank you. I mean it, thank you, because I haven't been around.You're a beautiful girl. But Blake and I are best friends - we're the same person. He loves someone else and there is only one me."

The last time Mia saw Blaaaake, he was with his new fiancee Sarah Aspin (I fucking can't keep track). Blaaake told her to leave him alone. Mia sadly added, "We had a special relationship for months, but it turned sour when I wanted a full commitment. I realize now he won't be happy till he and Amy are married again."

Mia, who already has titty implants like Wino, will undergo a full sex change in January. And while she's getting her peen snipped, Blaaaake might be back in jail for breaking his probation.

This story probably already left you full, so I only have one more thing to add. When I first read the headline, "Blake Fielder-Civil secret relationship with a transsexual Amy Winehouse impersonator," I immediately thought to myself: WHY, LA PEQUENA AMY WINO, WHY???!

The Snooki of the UK slipped into her Working Girl best this morning and strolled into a court room to plead guilty to trying to scalp a theater manager last month during a children's theater production of Cinderella.

Wino admitted to the court that she did have the drunks when she yanked Richard Pound's hair after he told her she couldn't have another cup of the sweet nectar. Richard Pound is braver than Parasite Hilton's gynecologist, because cutting Wino off from the booze is like flipping through OctoMom's bikini pictorial (see below) with bare eyes. You will end up in the emergency room with a bleeding head.

Wino went on to the tell the judge that she had five vodka Cokes before ripping the follicles out of Richard's head. Wino gargles with 5 vodka Cokes every morning, so we're just going to have to assume that she forgot to add a zero to that number.

Since the judge really wasn't in the mood for Wino's nails in his scalp, he let her go without jail time. The judge ordered that Wino has to pay $300 for court fines, and he gave her a two-year conditional discharge. If Wino plays nice for the next two years, she won't receive further punishment. But if she doesn't, the judge says she will be "hit hard."

Maybe that business about the world ending in 2012 really is made of truth. Because the final sign of the apocalypse is the sight of Wino quietly sitting on her hands with a smile on her face.

Picture this: You're sitting in a crowded theater quietly sipping a thermos filled with whiskey while trying to enjoy international legend Mickey Rooney in a panto production of Cinderella when you suddenly you hear some crazy crackie shouting all kinds of curse words at the actors on stage. You turn around and watch as Amy Wino tries to castrate the house manager by kicking him in the dick. Okay, since I put it that way, I should really change my headline to read: You Should Take Wino EVERYWHERE! Seriously, Wino still knows how to put on a show.

The Sun reports that during a production of Cinderella, Wino made parents stick their fingers in their kids' ears after she shouted stuff at the actors like: "Fuck Cinders, Prince Charming, marry me!"

When the house manager tried to get her to leave, Wino pulled his hair, punched at him and kicked him in the crotch. This is Wino's way of saying, "No, thank you."

It didn't stop there. After the performance, Wino, who was there to see one of her friends in the show, met up with the actors backstage. While meeting Anthea Turner, the woman playing the Fairy Godmother, Wino bled on her after a cut she had on her arm opened up.

Anthea was last seen running through the streets of Camden early this morning screaming about ice pops and Blaaaake. Unfortunately, Anthea is a Winozombie now.

Two seconds ago, Amy Wino's goddaughter went around saying that the former Crackie of Camden would rather eat an organic apple while sipping on natural spring water than go back to Blaaaaake. Well, now Blaaaaake is saying that not only is he back to bump & bumping with Wino, but they are making plans to marry each other for a second time and start a family. A family of what you ask? Blaaake says a family of BABIES!!!

All the storks in the world just dropped the fuck DEAD! Do not resuscitate.

Blaaaaake picked the scabs off of his lips and told The Sun, "Amy and I have talked about getting married again and starting a family. We both definitely want kids. This time we're doing things properly and hopefully that will help both our families come round to the idea. We're free of drugs and we're more responsible now.

Coming off heroin was hell. I've been through a year of intensive rehab, I'm 100 per cent clean and I plan to stay clean. I'm not going to let anyone down. Amy said, 'You inspire me'. She's proud of me for staying off drugs, and she's determined to do the same.

She's been wanting to see me but was too scared to do anything to upset her dad.Amy only came at the last minute because Mitch was on holiday and she could get away without anyone interfering. Mitch controls most of Amy's life still. I'm fed up with people trying to tear us apart. The only reason me and Amy want to be together is because we love each other."

Blaaaake also put his hand on his favorite crack pipe and swore that things will be different this time. He plans to get a job and then get a place of his own in London before sealing the deal with Wino.

This is Mitch Wino's cue to throw Wino in a FedEx box and ship her back to St. Lucia. Yes, she spent her days smoking banana leaves and snatching drinks from tourists, but she was still better off. Bitch needs island dick again in a bad way.

You can return the home defibrillator kit you got Wino and Blaaaake for a wedding gift, because her 13-year-old goddaughter Dionne Bromfield is shaking her head "no" to the rumors going around that they will stumble into wedded bliss for a second time.

According to Dionne, the methadone clinic version of Romeo & Juliet did meet the other day, but only so Wino could quit Blaaaake live and in person.

Dionne told The Sun, "They are definitely not together. Amy met Blake to call things off, no other reason. She's single, she's not with him. She can do so much better than him."

And while Wino was there, I'm sure she let Blaaaake's peen lick her poon for one final time. It kind of looked something like this. Yes, I know where the exit is.

Amy Wino is returning to the bad shit. And I'm not talking about the kind of stuff that makes a drug-sniffing dog get lipstick. I'm talking about Blaaaaaaake's scab-covered peen! Although, I'm sure a drug-sniffing dog might bust out the Maybelline for Blaaaaake's...... Okay, okay, I see the line...and I can hear your dry heaves.

So, The News of The World is saying that Wino and Blaaaaaaake will make every drug dealer's dreams come true by getting married for a second time. Wino and Blaaaake realized getting a divorce was a major mistake. One of Blaaaake's friends claim that he told them, "We both know we've only ever been divorced on paper. This is the right thing to do. We've been talking on the phone five or six times a day. We'd changed our status to married on Facebook a couple of weeks back but that was more of a laugh. This is the real deal. She told me she wanted to get married again. I feel so happy."

The methadone clinic version of Romeo & Juliet will be husband and wife again this February. Blaaaaake also claims that he's keeping his war zone genitals to himself until he's back with Wino.

Wino's head can't be without its crackhive, her feet can't be without her gutter-soaked ballet slippers, so it makes sense that her vagina can't be without Blaaaaake's crack pipe peen.

Dr. Drew really needs to have a long talk with Wino's snatch to figure out why the hell it just can't stop smoking on Blaaaaake's dick.

Amy Wino is not content with her Richard Heene-approved titty balls and matching lips, because she's about to go under the knife again. No, Wino is not going to get those rumored ass implants just yet. Apparently, Wino wants to get her nose rotated and lifted first.

One of Wino's friends has told The Mirror that she's already booked her nose job for January. Everyone is trying to tell not to mess with her nose, but Wino isn't hearing it. The friend said, “Amy’s become totally obsessed with surgery since her boob job. She wants her nose made smaller to fit with her small face as she hates the fact her nose is so big and she doesn’t like the shape. Amy says she can barely look in the mirror at the moment as she hates it so much. She’s booked in for January but is pushing to get it done sooner. Her family are dead-set against it and her brother has gone mad at her saying it will ruin her whole look and she will become unrecognisable. They’re trying to talk her out of it but Amy’s having none of it.”

Um. Maybe if Wino washes off those caca splatters from her nose and steps away from the brown Sharpie, she'll like her schnoz a whole lot more. Because once the doctor slices into her nose, there is no going back! I mean, the inside of her nose probably looks like the bottom of Lindsay Lohan's purse. There's a meth lab in the left nostril and a cocaine plantation in the right. And her nose cartilage busted out of there a long time ago. Wino's nose is being held up by a couple of toothpicks. It's best that she just leaves that wreck in peace!

And when Mitch Wino was asked about his daughter possibly getting a nose job, he answered, "Nose? What nose? Have you gotten a look at her tits?!" Okay, Mitch Wino didn't say that, but you know he thought that.

Earlier this week, the newly refurbished Amy Wino checked herself into the clinic, because she had a strange reaction to some over-the-counter cold medication she was taking. According to her daddy, Wino didn't have a leaky nose, bitch just had another leaky boob in her life (the other being her father).

While filming his new TV show (don't get any ideas, Michael Lohan), Mitch Wino set the record straight about why Wino was laid up in the hospital, "It wasn't because she had a cold. She's fine, she just had a little (Mitch points to his chest) leaky something or other."

Wino's titty wasn't leaking, it was crying tears of pain due to Mitch Wino always staring them down while playing with something in his pocket. My nipple is crying just thinking about it. Or maybe I just had too much soy milk with my rum last night.

One of Wino's friends told The Mirror that her crack ball did indeed CRACK, "She saw something oozing out on to her top. She was worried as they looked wonky and to see stuff seeping out was horrible."

Um. Wino has already been declared a toxic zone by the Department of Health, so if strange substances weren't oozing out of Wino's pores, THAT be cause for concern.

And I'm surprised Wino was worried at all. I would think she would just scrape up the silicone jizz, throw it on a spoon, take a lighter to it and smoke it up.

via The Sun

If Amy Wino doesn't visit THE CLINIC (dun dun dun) at least a few times a month, the staff starts to get a little worried that they might lose their jobs. Lucky for them, Wino dropped in last night after she had a bad reaction from mixing medications.

The Mirror reports that Wino got the ills after she mixed over-the-counter cough medication with some shit she was already taking. A source said, "Amy took over-the-counter stuff for a cold but it didn't agree with medication she takes for her on-going recovery. A doctor came to the house and advised her to go the hospital to make sure she was all right. She was due to stay the night."

You would think that Wino's body is already used to every kind of drug in all combinations, so something in the milk ain't clean about this. It's not like she swallowed a vitamin or licked a clean piece of lettuce. My guess is that Wino is really in the hospital to get a fix of her latest addiction: plastic surgery. Don't widen your eyes if you see Wino strolling out of there with a new ass like a Care Bear or a nose like a Jackson.

Here's Wino trolling around London on Saturday night, just a few hours before she checked into the hospital.