Phoebe Price

Yesterday at 1:32EDT, international supermodel and Earth mother Phoebe Price took her spot on the beach in her Toys "R" Us giraffe onesie and allowed her heat-seeking freckles to summon the sun to the equator. Yes, this is what happens at the Equinox. It also explains why most of the Los Angeles area smelled like burnt tangerine chicken.

And while PP was doing her part for the planet, she was also kind enough to strike a few poultry poses for the paps. The Foster Farms chickens now have their fapping material for the day!

Just when I was about to officially declare it a slow news day, these precious jewels popped up on my screen like a shiny Vicodin pill you come across in the back of your bathroom cabinet when you're trying to find a bottle of lube in the dead of night (TMI? NEVER!)

International supermodel and walking art installation Phoebe Price has once again delivered Lourve-worthy portraits that will grace the desktops of computers everywhere. Everywhere = just mine.

In this latest series, Chicken Cutlets poses on the steps of an airport tram (after flagging it down), makes a sign for Tito's Tacos look like the Eiffel Tower and graciously gives a volunteer her autograph. And don't tell PP, but the volunteer was a little confused when he looked down at her autograph because he thought the one and only Madam was standing before him.

And I'm not talking about the kind of chicken cutlets you slip in your brasserie to make your chesticles look as succulent as Johnny Weir's ass cheeks. No, thee one and only Phoebe Price took some time out from posing in grocery stores to shoot a segment for the #1 rated show in Heaven, RuPaul's Drag Race. Emmy voters, make yourself a plate and take note!

The Hot Babe of the Millennium, along with Alec Mapa, were special "celebrity" (chicken will never taste the same again if you laugh at that) contestants on a game show called The Snatch Game, which is also the name of Gerard Butler's favorite pastime.

The Snatch Game of course was a play on Match Game, and the queens had to channel their celebrity of choice. You know, when the camera first landed on PP's poultry pretty face, I thought she was Pandorra Boxx as a newly divorced Ariel who was trying to make ends meet as a Knott's Berry Farm saloon dancer.

PP still did us proud. And her talents never fail to astound me. I mean, who knew she could pose, flex her cutlets and talk at the same time.

And Brit Brit Spears can now fulfill her lifelong dream of becoming a full-time taste taster at Frito-Lay, because Tatianna has proven that can easily slip into her bayou weave and take her place. Not even the most skeptical Cheeto would know the difference.

Slap me with a wet chicken cutlet for not seeing these glorious pictures of Phoebe Price giving Bob Barker a late-in-life boner by posing with a variety of grocery store items at a supermarket in L.A. last month. Marvel at Chicken Cutlet's skills as she showcases a bag of pasta sides, dog food and a box of Kraft Mac & Cheese. This is beyond Price is Right or Supermarket Sweep shit. This is like a photo spread straight out of Vogue Chernobyl.

And if that isn't enough to leave you reaching for the defibrillator (just pretend for me), I also threw in some pictures of PP and Quween of the Scene walking in the parade of beauty on the ho stroll yesterday.

During your daily spiritual ritual (aka eating Popeye's in between bong hits) make sure you throw in a good thought/prayer for Phoebe Price's mother/assistant Flora who was recently diagnosed with cancer. That's why the chicken cutlets at the grocery store looked extra weepy yesterday.

PP delivered the sad news to Celebrity Nation while working the famewhore stroll in Los Angeles yesterday. But don't worry, PP isn't going to let the sadness fade her freckles. Just two beats after giving us sad face news, PP perked up and announced that not only is she shooting her own show (premiering on the TV in the Foster Farms break room), but she will also be on RuPaul's Drag Race in February. Nothing can keep a Hot Babe of the Millennium down.

Here's more of Chicken Cutlets dealing with her grief along with Quween on the Scene and Hofit "My Titties Hate Each Other" Golan.

Can you believe the decade is already over? It seems like it was just yesterday that we were all boozing, bonging and blowjobbing in 2000. And now we're going to be boozing, bonging and blowjobbing in 2010! CRAZY! Time flies when you're a drunken whore.

Anyway, I want to wish all of you a very Happy New Year! And if you've already banged in the new year, I want to wish you good luck, because I'm sure your drunk ass is doing one of the following right now: a) trying to protect your asshole in jail b) trying to break into your local free clinic to get a hold of a morning-after pill or c) trying to find a church that is still open so that you can cleanse your sin-covered skin in a bowl of holy water.

And I also want to thank you for joining me during this year full of fuckery. When I dry heaved, you dry heaved right next to me. When I slapped my nipples and pinched my taint, you slapped your nipples and pinched your taint right next to me. When I worshiped at the feet of Chicken Cutlets, you logged off and called Bellevue. We did it together. And hopefully, we'll do it all over again next year.

Speaking of Chicken Cutlets, here she is to wish all of you a frecklelicious 2010! Now log off and call Bellevue. I'll be waiting with a Straitjacket Snuggie on. Happy New Year!

All you aspiring supermodels out there should whip out your notepads and carefully study these pictures of Phoebe Price posing for her life at the Farmer's Market in L.A. yesterday. You will be wowed as you watch Chicken Cutlets put the likes of Kate Moss to shame as she poses with everything from a distant relative (above) to a tabloid magazine to a plastic Santa Claus at Rite-Aid. There's not an inanimate object PP can't pose with!

This is seriously like a master class at Barbizon.

There is not a pumpkin in all the land that Chicken Cutlets can't pose with! Last year, PP struck the same "look, my breasts are actually squash" pose with bigger pumpkins. This year, PP decided to go smaller since we're in a recession and all. Yes, PP is sensitive to world issues!

PP is even working so hard to bring you the glamour that she ripped her own pants! Or maybe her dog Henry finally snapped and attacked her ass in the car? Possible.

And is that a "no posing with pumpkins" sign in the last thumbnail? PP queefs (don't picture that or you may bleed internally) on that sign! You can't keep an international supermodel DOWN.

International supermodel Phoebe Price never ever gets a moment off! Even while she's getting a parking ticket, she manages to pose like she's on a cover shoot for Vogue Kazakhstan! Actually, the cop on a bike might have been giving her a ticket for famewhoring on the stroll without a license. It doesn't matter. What does matter is that PP doesn't miss a beat!

Do you think she poses like a pro when she's on the toilet? Of course she does, because you never know when a camera flash is going to go off! Take that, Ty Ty!

BEHOLD! Grab a raw chicken cutlet and worship the hardest working seat warmer in the game. International supermodel and the star of Colonel Sanders' wet dreams Phoebe Price was the epitome of elegance and grace at the Emmys tonight in a ravishing clearance section gown from Victoria's Secrets Clash of the Titans collection.

If there was a sudden gust of wind, we'd really see where the red fern grows. Seriously, that dress is really close to showing Chicken Cutlet's Morris the cat! Thinking about it is giving me heart palpitations. Throw a little Lawry's seasoned salt at me!

They don't even need to bother with going on with the rest of the show, because this is the ONLY moment any of us cared about (I'll blow weed smoke in your face if you agree with me). I mean, look at the second thumbnail. The Emmys golden angel is turning her back and is about to go home, because she knows she cannot compete with the poultry goddess that is Phoebe Price!