White Oprah

Before making her way to Amnesty International's offices, White Oprah stopped by Entertainment Tonight to speak about Judge Marsha's unfair decision to throw her child into an air-conditioned room for a few weeks. White Oprah really is the Gloria Steinem of shit moms.

In an interview airing tonight, White Oprah's tears of delusion formed a giant cross of delusion, which she nailed herself to using nails of delusions and continued to spew vomit of delusion while the peasants below shook their heads and continued to file their nails.

White Oprah, who looks and acts so much like her child that it's making SCRAMs cry, pretty much gives an encore performance of her daughter's crocodile-sponsored courtroom plea. And just like with LiLo, I think we're all spelling out "FUCK U" with our eye rolls. If you're not medicated enough to handle the clip above, here's some quotes. White Oprah is funny!

White Oprah on if her child will survive jail: "You know, she's strong, but until someone faces something as devastating as that...we're going to have to see. God willing, it won't happen."

White Oprah being funny again: "She's a fighter, and until the final result -- we're not giving up. I think it's time we get another attorney just to see it from another light and do damage control."

White Oprah still being funny: "If she wants a trial, then make it a fair trial. I feel like Shawn [Chapman Holley], Lindsay's [former] attorney should have stood up and said, 'Listen, I didn't know you were going to have witnesses.' We would have had ten witnesses. We didn't get a shot. We didn't get a shot at fairness."

White Oprah on how the Dilaudid tea they drink every night is not working: "It's very difficult, we're not sleeping well, we're not functioning. We cry a lot and we hug a lot. She's petrified, we all are. We're angry. We're disappointed in the system."

White Oprah on her child's past fuck ups: "She did a really stupid thing. Thank God she didn't hurt anyone….I know my daughter is clean and sober today. I know that for a fact. I'm not a doctor…and I'm not an attorney. I'm a mother. And I'm sitting here, as a mother, just worried about my child."

White Oprah on I don't even know: "This is not an OJ Simpson trial, which they made it out to be."

This bitch just doesn't get it. You could chop "IT" into fine lines and tell White Oprah to snort "IT" up and "IT" still wouldn't absorb into what's left of her brain. But at least she's proving that she's a loyal pimp who stands by her ho no matter what. I'll give her that.

When Judge Marsha shot a bolt of happiness into the hearts of millions by sending Lindsay Lohan to a warm jail cell for a few days, White Oprah dropped to her knees and... Wait. I need to try that again. White Oprah was passed out in her own Vicodin slobber when Nana Lohan woke her up by tasing her in the pussy bone to tell her the news about her child. White Oprah immediately jumped up and then dropped to her knees while screaming "WHY! WHY WHYYYY!!!!" There, that makes more sense.

White Oprah continued to paddle down her river of denial while telling Popeater what she thought about the judge's verdict: "This is so not fair to do this to my child."

White Oprah is right. It really isn't fair, because regular people do not go to jail or suffer consequences when they drive drunk, get caught with cocaine, violate their probation and don't show up to court hearings. This only happens to the Lohans! Screw the people suffering in Darfur. They don't have problems like the Lohans! Why isn't St. Angelina Jolie visiting Long Island to raise awareness for the injustice being done to the Lohans?!

And you know what else isn't fair? It's not fair that the judge is locking up White Oprah's main whore. With her freckled ATM machine in the clink, how is she going to fund her lawsuit against Cookie Puss? How is she going to pay her back alley pharmacist?! How is she going to make the payments on her tab at TGI Fridays?! Why won't anybody THINK OF WHITE OPRAH!

While I'm writing a letter to the UN about the suffering on Long Island, look at these pictures of Lindsay Lohan's secret message to the judge. WWTDD points out the FUCK U Lilo brought to court yesterday. What a dirty nail! Is Lilo going to bang her cell mate with that finger?

And I bet if the photographer zoomed in on Judge Marsha's gavel, you'd see the message "FUCK U BACK, BITCH" carved into it. I mean, who really got fucked yesterday?

Besides the cameos from Nana Lohan, the reality show Living Lohan was a complete and utter piece of crusty shit. You would think that following a delusional pimp monster around is the stuff reality TV dreams are made of, but that show was about as entertaining as watching fake tanner dry on White Oprah's parched asshole.

White Oprah put her job interview face on and never brought out her organic craziness in front of the cameras. She was using the show to manipulate us into thinking that the Lohans are this generation's answer to the Cleavers. Nobody swallowed that one.

Anyways, White Oprah and her hos are going to try the reality show thing again. She queefed to Page Six, "We have already started filming. The cameras follow us in our daily lives and as we promote our businesses. I want to prove that we are a good, hardworking family and we don't have the crazy lives that some people claim we do. The show will feature my kids, and Lindsay will also appear in some episodes, although she's very busy filming and promoting her fashion lines. We're discussing a deal with a major network."

If White Oprah got a Mother Teresa mask permanently attached to her face, we'd still see her as a lunatic enabler who would suck the last breath out of a baby if she needed the oxygen, so bitch just needs to stop trying to convince us otherwise.

The only way my Tivo will touch this show is if it includes a full episode dedicated to White Oprah getting schooled and shit on by Fudgie the Whale. And I want it in 3D!

Here's a few pictures of the soon-to-be Fox Reality TV Award loser leaving the Electric Daisy Carnival in L.A. on Saturday night.

Earlier I posted about the most difficult and harrowing experience White Oprah has ever had to suffer through! It was even more agonizing than the time Nana Lohan played a cruel April Fool's Joke on her by replacing all her painkillers with Smarties.

Basically, White Oprah tried to use a Carvel VIP Black Card to get a free birthday cake for her son. The employee at Carvel refused to give it to her since the card is not in her name. White Oprah threw a fit, the cops were called and she never got her free cake. She also pretty much declared herself the Rosa Parks of Carvel.

Well, Fudgie the Whale has responded and he's sick of being emotionally, financially and physically abused by the Lohans. Bitch. Boom. Byeeeee.

As part of Carvel’s 75th Anniversary celebration last year, we issued 75 Black Cards to celebrities. These cards were issued in the celebrity’s name and require the card holder to be present at the time of use. Many celebrities have enjoyed their cards at our Carvel Ice Cream shoppes and have shared their excitement with being included in the celebration.

Unfortunately, the Lohan family has been abusing the card. While the card was issued in Lindsay and Ali’s names only, her extended family has repeatedly used the card without either present. At first, we graciously honored their requests while explaining that the Black Card was not a carte blanche for unlimited Carvel Ice Cream for the extended Lohan family and friends. After more than six months of numerous and large orders for ice cream, we finally had to cut off the card and take it back.

Dina Lohan reacted badly and called the police to have her card returned. The police responded and did return the card to Dina with instructions not to use it again.
This is an unfortunate situation where certain people feel entitled to use a celebrity’s name for their own purposes. We regret that the Lohan family is upset and hope this matter is put behind us quickly.

Large orders for ice cream? So that why is all the drug dealers in Long Island have freezers full of Cookie Pusses and Fudgie the Whales? Trading ice cream for 8-balls. I see you, Lohans.

And this pretty much sums White Oprah up. Always using her daughter's name to get shit for herself. Leave it to Cookie Puss and Fudgie the Whale to tell that asshole to sit down. Bitch got owned by Fudgie! That is a beautiful gift to us all. Thank you, Fudgie!

(start of fictional dramatization) Yesterday afternoon, White Oprah was passed out in the bushes of her front yard from drinking too many Sea Breezes when Nana Lohan woke her up by spraying her in the face with the garden hose. Nana Lohan threw Ali's Carvel Black Card (more on that mess later) at White Oprah and told her to go get her son Cody a birthday cake. White Oprah knows not to question Nana Lohan so she washed the mysterious substances out of her mouth with the garden hose, pulled up her pants, got in the car and headed over to Carvel to get her boy a cake! (end of fictional dramatization)

White Oprah picked out a cake at Carvel and handed the employee Ali's fancy Carvel Black Card. The Carvel Black Card is for VIPs only and it gives them free ice cream for 75 years. Well, the employee knows all about White Oprah's low-budget tricks, so he asked her for an ID. That's when the Fudgie the Whale hit the fan.

While holding back tears, White Oprah gave Radar all the emotional details of her trying ordeal:

“The shop assistant said, ‘Do you have I.D.?’ Next minute he he grabbed my arm and took my card and held it hostage and wouldn’t give me the cake! This guy was crazy! I couldn’t believe this guy... it’s a family card, it just didn’t have my name on it. Next minute, four cop cars showed up, there’s a police helicopter over head and this guy makes it seem to the cops that I’m trying to use a stolen credit card -- and for what? Over a free ice cream?! He wouldn’t give it back... not even to the cops! Finally he gave up and gave me my card back. But he told me, ‘You can have the card, but you can’t have the cake!’ It just shows how we get treated so much worse than regular people. Just wait until Lindsay and Ali hear about this. When Ali gets back, I’m going to bring her in everyday to this store -- and you can print that!”

Oh, boo hoo in your big nostrils, you dumb bitch! You can print that out on paper, roll it up and then shove it up your ass. I swear. At least that horrible family has a Carvel Black Card. They should be thankful for that. Every time I want to lick on Cookie Puss or give fellatio to Fudgie the Whale, I have to pull out my Body Glove wallet like a common john!

"We get treated so much worse than regular people." Regular people pay for birthday cakes, you idiotic pig with the self-entitlement of a billion Kanyes. How dare that hag. She has yet to earn the right to sit next to such beautiful creations as Cookie Puss and Fudgie.

If I was that employee I would've snatched that card, snorted up the coke residue White Oprah left on it, sprayed whipped cream on top and then shoved it down her froat! Without a cherry, thankyouverymuch.

And yes, I always get this angry when dumb bitches fuck with Cookie Puss.

White Oprah is right on time. I was waiting for her to hold her right nostril with her finger so that she could blow out an excuse for her daughter as to why the SCRAM anklet went off on Sunday night. And here she is with one! Yes, it's covered in low-grade cokey particles and dust from Lindsay Lohan's ass, but she has one!

On Tuesday, a judge declared that Lilo violated her probation after the presence of booze was found on her SCRAM. The judge set her bail at $200k and Lilo paid 10% of that to avoid jail. White Oprah is going on about how not one drop of the sweet nectar touched Lilo's tongue. According to that delusional bitch, somebody accidentally spilled a drink on Lilo's leg. White Oprah explained to Page Six, "She was at the MTV Awards and somebody spilled a drink on her leg, which must have set off the SCRAM bracelet. She has done absolutely nothing wrong and shouldn't have to wear the bracelet in the first place. She is doing absolutely fine."

They need to make a SCRAM mouthlet that detects lies, because White Oprah needs to stop. I mean, spilled a drink on her leg? More like somebody spilled a cocktail into your waiting mouth! "Your honor, I don't why Jack Daniels came in my mouth when he said he wouldn't."

In other news from the crackhouse, White Oprah says that Lilo is talking to Donald Trump about possibly joining the cast of Celebrity Apprentice. Pretty much every bitch in Hollywood has already told Lilo that she's fired, so Donald Trump just wants to get in on the fun.

Even though Lindsay Lohan was out till 2am doing Boilermakers with White Oprah, she still managed to roll off the bathroom floor this morning, pick her dentures out of the toilet, slip on a pair of silk boxer shorts and show up to her deposition today. And she was only 22 minutes late! It's a miracle.

LiLo was a no-show to two previously scheduled depositions, so she had to show up today or she would automatically lose the case. LiLo is being sued by a trio of dudes who claim she held them hostage in an SUV during a car chase.

Yes, everyone in the room had to tape a Glade Plug-In to their nose because White Oprah and LiLo reeked like the inside of a Port-A-Potty on the last day of a Juggalo festival in August, but at least they showed up! Yes, LiLo's lawyer had to dump a Dixie cup full of water in White Oprah's head because she dozed off halfway through and started snoring, but at least they showed up! Yes, LiLo stormed out of the room when everyone laughed after she stated the year of her birth, but at least they showed up! Progress (not really)!

White Oprah and her precious child have reunited again, and they hit the streets of NYC to do what they do best: ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING. I shouldn't say that. They did buy a hot dog, which is probably the best decision they've made in years, decades, etc...

Lilo is back in New York to shoot a Mother's Day special for E!. Lindsay is going to help her mother clean out her closet. Obviously, they haven't filmed this shit yet because what is White Oprah wearing? Bitch is dressed like the toddler daughter of a mafia wife who went a little too far during a shopping spree in Reno.

Lilo probably only agreed to clean out her mother's closet because she knows there's a dozen or more forgotten Adderall and Percocet pills in the pockets of White Oprah's clothes. It's Easter all over again!

If your Twitter page is receiving a million visits from the Twitter Whale today, you can thank Lindsay Lohan because she is burning that shit to the ground right now. Lilo has been (those three words love each other so much) has been breaking her Mac Book by Tweeting furiously about her father Michael Lohan showing up to her apartment this afternoon with a Sheriff.

TMZ says that Michael showed up to check on his 16-year-old daughter, The Curious Case of Ali Lohan, who is currently staying with Lilo. Michael convinced the Sheriff's department to check on Ali after he told them she was in "Lindsay's car on the way back from Coachella and the car was going over 100 mph."

Here's Lilo's Tweets of crackery. If you need a quick high this afternoon and know you won't be drug tested within the week, put your nose to this mess and snort. This shit is pure.

i have no choice but to make this public, due to my sister's safety, as well as my own, "my ex-dad" just WALKED INTO MY APT like the devil's
about 1 hour ago via web

advocate with officers....
about 1 hour ago via web

let's not forget, that my father KIDNAPPED me from a COURT ROOM when i was 4 years old and is CRAZY
about 1 hour ago via web

he has NEVER paid child support, and is marrying a tabloid writer and can barely spell his own name due to his "brain" that has been ruined
about 1 hour ago via web

due to HIS drug use.
about 1 hour ago via web

when will it ever end... it's been going on my whole life with him-hasn't he caused enough pain ?
about 1 hour ago via web

thank g-d for my mommy... w/out her, i wouldn't even know myself..
about 1 hour ago via web

@Lara_Disco my lawyer isn't answering I NEED A RESTRAINING ORDER! MY SISTER AND FRIEND TOO!!!!! HE'S NUTS!!!
about 1 hour ago via web in reply to Lara_Disco

@Jeannette___ my BUILDING didn't STOP him, isn't it supposed to be safe? THAT'S WHY I MOVED HERE! it coulda been FAKE cops! dressed up!
about 1 hour ago via web in reply to Jeannette

The Sheriff briefly had words with Ali before leaving Lilo's apartment. They let Ali stay there. Michael says he will continue to fight the fight until Lilo goes to rehab and Ali is removed from her house.

While all of this was going down, White Oprah was lying on her bathroom floor in a white spritzer/Adderal coma. Nana Lohan had to turn the hose on her so that she could wake up and issue a statement regarding this mess. White Oprah simply said this: "I was told by my attorneys not to speak because it is very serious and my ex could be in big trouble. He's dangerous.... If he can't get to them he is going to try to hurt them -- it's not good."

This post is already way too long, so I'm only going to say that SuperNanny needs to put all four of these weepy ass babies in a permanent TIME OUT. Just face the corner, and never turn around again.

Earlier I posted a highly important news story (eat that with a dollop of whipped sarcasm on top) about White Oprah's plans to hold a press conference today to talk about her new line of eco-friendly toothbrushes. Aaaaaand here's the pictures from that very special press conference which was held in one of the lesser used gates at Port Authority in NYC.

The launch of the Lohan Brush was attended by a college student doing her final thesis on mental illness, a few Japanese tourists (they are everywhere) and a dozen people that White Oprah owes money to.

White Oprah told those who attended that the green Lohan Brush requires no water. This will come in handy when your water has been shut off due to non-payment and you need to clean out your pipe. White Oprah is always thinking about Lindsay. And she really is, because that white brush can double as a taint tickler.