This is what it looks like at the Lohan house right now: the medicine cabinets are bare, the mirrors are completely clean and the Svedka vodka truck did not show up for its daily delivery due to non-payment. That's because White Oprah's main ho is in "desperate financial shape" and is about to snort up her last dollar. So THAT's why the ginger cokeyhead went to a few AA meeting this past weekend. FREE POWDERED DONUTS! Hey, if you hum the theme song to Scarface while snorting up powdered sugar, you can almost get your brain to believe. Almost.
Sources close to Blohan tell Radar that she doesn't have a pot to barf in and the entire Lohan family is feeling it. The source says, "Lindsay is in serious trouble financially. Dina is struggling to make ends meet and pay Lindsay's lawyers and this latest development doesn't help things. Everyone thinks the Lohan family is so well-off, but if they knew the truth, it would be shocking. She's in a tight spot, the family's in a tight spot. It's really a sad situation."
It's times like this that White Oprah wishes Craigslist had a "Buy a Bride" section, because it's a bitch calling sheik after sheik to try to sell off The Curious Case of Ali Lohan at fire sale prices. White Oprah would rather sell her kids' internal organs to cannibals than get a real job. But somebody should still tell her that Fudgie the Whale just posted a want ad this morning looking for a slave to suck the fudgie dingles out of his asshole. White Oprah is at the top of his list of candidates!
Even though these pictures of egg barf all over White Oprah's front door conjured up memories of me scrubbing yolk off of the side of my mom's house after my junior high school enemies egged our shit, I still laughed. Well, it's funny picturing White Oprah opening her front door and trying to figure out if that yellow shit came from her (too many lemon drop martinis) or a Lohan hater who put their recalled eggs to good use.
White Oprah told TMZ that not only did someone egg her door, but they also launched dirt bombs at her house and pulled her mailbox out of the ground. As the Great Delusional One grabbed at her chest and said she has no idea who would ever do this to her family, a wave of guilty looks spread across the country (I'm looking at you, Fudgie, Cookiepuss, Michael Lohan, Snooki, Judge Marsha, mirror and anybody else who isn't allergic to egg shells).
But White Oprah had the last phlegmy laugh when she splashed some Worcester sauce over the door yolk and licked it up. Her hangover was cured in a quick minute. So HAHAHAHA on whoever did this! White Oprah always gets the game point.
And here's White Oprah's main ho shopping for shoes to add to her hoarder pile yesterday afternoon.
Can't White Oprah just have one full day of lying passed out on the garage floor (with car keys still in hand) without Nana Lohan having to tase her in the neck to tell her that once again someone has dragged the innocent Lohan name through the mud! Kind of like how White Oprah had to drag herself out of the T.G.I.Friday's to barf her 8th Mud Slide of the night into the bushes. Sort of like that. Sort of.
Hopefully White Oprah will get tomorrow off, because today she had to rinse the turnpike party out of her mouth to release a statement in response to a judge calling Snooki a "Lindsay Lohan wannabe." The judge called Snooki this after she declared she was guilty of getting tanked on the beach (she was sentenced to 2 days of community service). White Oprah kept her statement to TMZ pretty simple:
"The family is very disappointed that a judge would say that in a court of law."
It really is disgusting that a judge would compare Snooki to Lindsay Lohan. I mean, LiLo has snorted a lot of lines, hit a lot of parked cars, gotten a lot of DUIs and told a lot of people to fuck off to get where she is today! And what has Snooki done? The Wookie of Poughkeepsie has a long way to fall before she even comes close to LiLo. Thankyouverymuch.
Here's Snookers going to the movies with JWoww and Deena today before showing up to court. Whatever you do, do not let Tim Peeler see Snooki's boots. I don't think he can handle it.
All back alley pharmacists are lining the streets of Hollywood and the coke dealers can quit the part-time jobs they were forced to take at 7-Elven when Lindsay Lohan went into rehab, because she's baaaaaack! And she is fully recharged! Radar reports that LiLo was released from the UCLA Neuropsychiatric Hospital tonight after serving just 22 days out of her 90 day sentence.
LiLo's doctors suggested to the judge that she be released from rehab early, because they don't think her issues are that serious (aka they are sick of dealing with her ass). Judge Elden Fox agreed and he opened LiLo's cage door. Justice fucking served on the rocks with a sprinkling of crushed Dilaudid on top!
Cut to White Oprah dancing all night, because now that her main ho is out on the stroll she no longer has to pay for her pills with freezer burned Fudgie the Whales:
LiLo will get outpatient treatment indefinitely and a hearing is schedule for tomorrow.
Speaking of getting fucked up like a Lohan out of rehab, we should all pour anything mind-altering into our kombucha tea to deal with all the interviews that will follow. Every single Lohan is going to spill their delusions to any bitch who waves a cashiers check in their face. Seriously, I heard that Nana Lohan has already given a tell-all interview to the LI PennySaver.
In between taking sips from her Dunkin' Donuts coffee with a splash of lighter fluid (they're out of coolant), White Oprah is furiously scratching out the word "PROPAGANDA!" on her protest sign and replacing it with the word "TOLDJA!" (Nikki Finke's attorneys are already drawing up a cease and desist). That's because TMZ is co-signing White Oprah's claims that her daughter isn't the neediest crackhead on the stroll. TMZ's sources are saying that the doctors at UCLA have officially declared that Lindsay Lohan isn't a drug addict and doesn't have crazy in the brains.
The sources went on to say that LiLo was easily weaned off of Dilaudid, Ambien, Adderall, Zoloft, Trazodone and Nexium without getting the shakes or chewing on a toilet bowl cleaning pill for a quick fix. LiLo also didn't have a problem staying away from booze. As for her mental problems, the doctors say the bitch ain't bi-polar.
The doctors also think that there's no reason for LiLo to be on Adderall since she doesn't have ADHD. They believe she was misdiagnosed and this might be the cause of why she's acting like she's the front-runner in the Miss Crackie Whore 2010 pageant.
Dr. Joe Haraszti, some fancy addiction specialist, tells TMZ that when bitches who don't suffer from ADHD take Adderall they experience cokehead-like effects including: chain smoking, driving around all night, excessive Tweeting, etc... Dr. Joe didn't confirm if other effects include wearing leggings like they're pants and injecting anything found in the lubricant section of a automotive store into your lips.
Dr. Joe went on to say that Adderallheads "might then complain of insomnia and then take Ambien or other sleep aids to help fall asleep ... it's a vicious cycle."
The doctors at UCLA are recommending that LiLo be released from rehab early. They seem to think that Judge Marsha dick slapped LiLo way too hard when she sentenced her to 90 days in the rehab. In their professional opinion, LiLo only needs 30 days to clean up.
When the medical professionals at UCLA asked White Oprah to take them to the doctor who diagnosed LiLo with ADHD, she said it was impossible since he moved offices without giving a new address (aka he no longer parks his van behind the Stop & Shop).
White Oprah might be doing the TOLDJA dance (looks like this) right now, but that smug look on her face is quickly going to turn into a look of despair when she realizes she's going to have to find a new supplier now that the jig is up. The joke's on you, WO!
A stumbling tornado of delusion, denial, back alley Botox and fried split ends crashed onto Today this morning when White Oprah sat down for an interview with Matt Lauer. It's pretty fitting that this bumbling mess of an interview aired on Friday the 13th, because this was a horrific disaster. If Freddy Krueger is ever trying to adopt a child, he can just show the agency this interview and say, "Well, I'll probably do better than this." SOLD! Give him any kid he wants!
White Oprah once again confirmed that Lindsay, Ali and the other ones never stood a chance. I bet that when the baby doctor smacked them in the ass right after they were born, every one of them screamed out the same thing: "I'M FUCKED!" The plastic trash can I watched get run over by a van last night would have done a better job in raising those kids.
The interview was just painful. Matt could have gotten a straighter answer out of the orchid sitting on the table next to Enabler the Awful. Matt ain't shit either, because I kept waiting for him to shake the coke out of White Oprah's ears so she could clearly hear all his questions. White Oprah just kept rattling on about how the judge in her daughter's case was fired for being unfair and how everything the media puts out is just propaganda. PROPAGANDA! Bitch is full of poopaganda (GONG me if you must).
Matt needed to bring out a plastic bag full of delicious pills and tell White Oprah that for every coherent and straight answer she spits out, he'll give her a treat. That would've made her tonsils wag. That's a good White Oprah!
Here's a few of the highlights (emphasis on HIGH) if it's too early for you to deal with this mess in video form:
WO on how LiLo is doing: "She's been through a lot. The judge played hardball. Lindsay was in with alleged murderers and she's become friends with a lot of them. Lindsay rolled with the punches and she's doing wonderfully."
WO on people saying her daughter is a wreck who deserves to be in jail: "I think that's all propaganda and what people are reading. As you know, you're in the business of entertainment, so I think a lot of it is pre-orchestrated and you're reading things that are not based on fact."
WO on how she's an idiot mom: "As a parent, you have to let her go a little bit. When she went out to Los Angeles when she was 19, I had to let her go and let her live and fall and fail and survive. Without failure, there's no success. I was there in close proximity, but you can't make your child not go out and go to a club and not get behind the wheel of a car. I certainly don't condone any of that behavior."
White Oprah also said that LiLo will be released from rehab early and is planning to move to NYC afterwards. One of the most hilarious parts of this tragic display of denial is when White Oprah said she was in show business long before her kids were, and they keep telling her to get back into it. I agree! As much as White Oprah makes me want to punch a naranja, she really knows how to bring the crack-infused mess.
Cross out "Guantanamo Bay" on your protest signs and write "Lynwood Correctional Center" in its place, because that's where the real suffering is going on! White Oprah is speaking out against the harsh conditions her child is facing in jail. Abnormal Rae said that her daughter Lindsay Lohan doesn't even have a pillow or a cell phone in jail!!!!! And she's being treated like a COMMON CRIMINAL!!!!!! Ha. Nana Lohan should really fight the urge to pop White Oprah's double bubble of delusion with her knitting needle, because this is comedy at its finest.
White Oprah took a break from organizing the Million Crackhead March to speak to Radar about the injustice happening at Lynwood:
“She doesn’t have cell phone privileges, that’s absurd. She doesn’t even have a pillow to sleep on. I talk to her through glass. There’s a phone and we put her on speaker but I can’t even hug my daughter. She’s treated like a common criminal.”
“I have to say that the people inside have been pretty cool to her…the guards and the inmates. We’re all so happy that this is finally coming to a close. When this first happened, we were all hysterical messes. But I’m so proud of Lindsay, she’s been so strong and positive, even under what I consider to be a extremely harsh punishment.”
Translation: "My daughter is being treated like everybody else in jail AND THAT IS WRONG! They don't even have an on-staff spray tanner!"
The best part is that White Oprah notarizes every single shit nugget of delusion that jumps off her tongue. She really believes in what she's saying. I keep expecting White Oprah to rip her mask off revealing that she's really Jennifer Coolidge and this is all just a part of Christopher Guest's newest mockumentary. But no, this is real.
I want to tell White Oprah to raise her fist high for her cause and then shove it up her asshole, but I don't want that. White Oprah's quotes are much too magical and I can't get enough.
"We're here! We're high! Get used to it!" - White Oprah while protesting outside of Lynwood this weekend
When Lindsay Lohan checked herself into Robert Shapiro's House of Sober Living, my ass figured it was just her way of trying to get out of sitting in a jail room. But her lawyer Robert Shapiro says this isn't so and tells UsWeekly that LiLo will start serving her 90-day jail sentence on Tuesday morning. Robert said:
"I have agreed to represent Ms. Lohan on the condition that she complies with all of the terms of her probation, including a requirement of jail time that was imposed by Judge Marsha Revel. Ms. Lohan is suffering from a disease that I am all too familiar with (FYI: Robert's son died of a drug overdose in 2005). Hopefully, I can be of assistance to Ms. Lohan and Judge Revel in implementing a treatment approach recommended by medical professionals for Ms. Lohan’s long term recovery and sobriety."
What were you saying, Robert? I was too wrapped up in the image of me lounging on one of your brows in front of a roaring fireplace with a glass of Andre in one hand and a chocolate covered strawberry in the other. I don't mind the rug burns.
But seriously, Robert is actually telling us that LiLo has a serious craving for the bad shit and needs to get that mess worked out. Can somebody please put a mic under White Oprah's mouth and then hit her with it? After you do that, ask her what she thinks of Robert's statement about her sober child needing help. "OH! He didn't mind THAT kind of disease. He meant that he sometimes suffers from the delusions like all of us!....Oh and fuck Fudgie the Whale!" - White Oprah
Here's Robert and Enablerham Lincoln visiting LiLo yesterday afternoon.
Long Island's very own Grand Dame (the "e" is silent) of Delusion White Oprah recently complained that the media is turning her child's situation into another OJ Simpson trail. So White Oprah and Lindsay Lohan are distancing themselves from that comparison by hiring OJ's former fucking lawyer ROBERT SHAPIRO! "If the mother isn't fit! You must acquit!" - Shapiro channeling Cochrane
I swear. White Oprah's last remaining brain cell is a runaway white Bronco that just doesn't stop. It runs out of gas and it keeps going. It crashes into the center divider, but it just backs up, shifts into drive and keeps on...
Sources tell TMZ that Lindsay Lohan has hired Robert Shapiro as her new lawyer, but he's not going to appeal the 90-day jail sentence Judge Marsha threw at her FUCK U nail. Robert is going to try to convince Judge Marsha to put LiLo into rehab instead of jail. Robert's son died of a drug overdose a few years ago, so he has a lot of experience with rehab facilities. Robert already has his eye on a certain rehab clinic for LiLo.
Wait. If LiLo is completely sober then why would she need to go to rehab at all? Here's a quote from Enabler the Great in this week's InTouch Weekly: "Lindsay is sober, yes. She went to rehab before the court ordered her. When I put my daughter in rehab, I knew she needed it. In 2007 — not currently. Lindsay actually wants to open up her own rehab center here (in Los Angeles) and a couple across the country to help other kids and celebs so they don’t fall through the cracks in this town. She mentioned it to me a couple of days ago. She’s really growing up.” I'm just going to let that quote kick itself.
I will admit that I want to miniaturize myself so that I can jump on Robert's furry caterpillar brow and ride it through a rose garden after a morning rain, but I'm not sure if Judge Marsha is as easily entertained as I am. So just in case, White Oprah should make room in her chocha for the bottles of fake tan grease she'll have to smuggle into jail for her child.
As you can tell from the giant party countdown clock hanging over your cubicle, Lindsay Lohan is just a few days away from her greatest role yet: jail bitch. So since LiLo will be out of commission for a few days (or weeks), someone has to keep the paparazzi industry going by posing like a complete dick hole in the passenger seat of a car. And that someone is going to be White Oprah! White Oprah will make sure that the Lohan family face stays on top as the leading famewhores on the stroll!
White Oprah assumed her duties last night at an In-N-Out in Hollywood. Yes, White Oprah at In-N-Out! Just soap up a burger patty with the blood from my bleeding heart and serve it to White Oprah RAW! This hurts more than the time In-N-Out University rejected my admission application.
Now, In-N-Out occasionally lets me through their front door, so I realize that they aren't the pickiest fast food whore in the game, but WHITE OPRAH! That is LOW(han)!
In-N-Out just proved to me that they will spread their animal sauce on the tongue of any john who slips a ten dollar bill into their red and white garter belt! And I better not find out that White Oprah has a limited-edition In-N-Out VIP black card (with gold palm trees on it) in her possession! If she does, In-N-Out will be DEAD to me! I will cuddle up with that slut Wendy instead!
No, I don't mean that. INO just needs to lie to me if White Oprah is one of their VIP customers. Lie to me, INO, I promise I"ll believe...liiiiiie to me...but pleeeeeeaaaaseeee don't.... FUCK! Do you see what seeing White Oprah at INO is doing to me? It's got me quoting Sheryl fucking Crow!