White Oprah

There definitely is a more creative and wittier headline out there (and it isn't coming from me), but that's the first thing I said out loud when I brought up these gorgeous portraits from the gutter. Then I went to pee (which stung, by the way, and I blame these pictures), sat back down and thought the same thing again. I was about to type "Look At What The Cat Dragged In," but that would've been factually incorrect on every level. I know some dirty skanky alley cats who consider a pigeon's anus as a meal and even they wouldn't put their mouths on either one of these bumbling busted bitches. It's like Courtney Stodden took her Dorian Gray portrait out for a 40. You decide which is which.

If you were in the Meatpacking District in Manhattan last night and were wondering why flies riding roaches riding rats were galloping through the streets in hoards headed uptown, it's because the living embodiment of Grey Gardens for the crack whore set came out to party. Just a mess. Lindsay Lohan looks like she's a shot away from spiraling into a drunk coma right there on the street while dumb-eyed White Oprah is too blinded by the fame to care.

LiLo: Um. Mom? The tequila went straight to my legs and turned them into worms. I'm just going to go mimi times on these strange looking tiny grey pillows.
White Oprah: HOLD ON TO YOUR 8-BALLS, BOYS! BAM! YES! BOOM!
LiLo: No, seriously, why is that man in a black hood carrying that thing the Grim Reaper carries winking at me?
White Oprah: THE NAAAAAAME ON EVERYBODY'S LIPS IS GONNA BE...WHITE OPRAH!
LiLo: Where am I? I see a bright light.
White Oprah: IT'S THE CAMERAS, BABY! FLASHING FOR ME...I MEAN...US. SPARKLE, KITTEN, SPARKLE!"

Seriously, White Oprah is Lucifer in Chinese Laundry heels.

That being said, White Oprah has never looked hotter. Well, her look is very "tired Regan-era call girl who got demoted to the morning shift but still shows up to the hotel bar at 8pm on Saturday night like she's prime shit."

And LiLo might look like she's about to pass out, but apparently she got some energy when she got inside the V Magazine party at The Boom Boom Room. This happened:

@womensweardaily Women's Wear Daily
Lindsay Lohan just threw a full drink at a boy at V magazine party who dared to snap her pic. #NYFW
11 hours ago via web

The boy was a photographer for V Magazine who added this (via ONTD):

@JasperRischen Jasper Rischen
Wow. Lindsay Lohan is as trashy as they always say. She threw drinks and glasses to me as we tried to take a shot for @vmagazine. C.u.n.t.
11 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry®

And then this happened:

@Styleite Styleite
And now people are bleeding at the @vmagazine party. Not sure what's going on, but it's at Lindsay Lohan's table.
10 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone

To clarify: girl left in an ambulance but looked OK. FDNY were calm, took their time. Didn't look like a suicide attempt, just an accident.
9 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone

Yup, still got it!

White Oprah's vodka plunger mouth has been mysteriously shut during this whole "Ali Lohan now looks like a walking Weekly World News cover" mess and I just figured it's because she doesn't issue a MAN DOWN CODE 10 ALERT unless her ATM card stops working or the delivery dude from Beefeater doesn't show up to fill the gin cooler in her bedroom...and I was right.

White Oprah, seen in the picture above as Mother Unnatural, is telling her friends that everyone can calm their hot b-holes ("Mix a little coke with the innards of a wet Sleepytime Tea bag and rub it on the hot spot real careful-like" - White Oprah giving her mostly herbal remedy of the day!), because her 17-year-old daughter hasn't plasticized her face and isn't anorexia-ing her way to model beauty.

White Oprah says Ali is just going through a growth spurt! You know, because every 17-year-old's growth spurt looks like it was watered with heroin juice and fertilized with back alley collagen that might really be gel soil. A source had this to say to Radar about what White Oprah sees through her delusion-colored eyes:

“Dina is adamant though that Ali is just going through a very big growth spurt, and there is absolutely no cause for concern. If Dina thought for one moment that Ali was suffering from an eating disorder, or feeling the pressure to be thin, she would terminate Ali's modeling contract, and get her the necessary help.

Ali is the one who has pestered her mom for years to get into the business. Dina held-off for years, but felt now the time was right for Ali to get into the business. As long as Dina isn't concerned, Lindsay isn't worried either.”

Oh, that White Oprah is such a restrained pimp. Whoring Ali out in that reality show and pushing her in front of the paparazzi any chance she gets definitely falls under the "holding off" category. White Oprah would never allow Ali to tap dance down the same tragic road as Goddess Bunny and she'd never replace her bowl of morning cereal with a bowl of mashed Leptoprin and Diet Red Bull. NEVAH! But mostly because do you know how fucking expensive Leptoprin and Diet Red Bull is?! It's Mexican Ephedra and toilet bowl cleaner all the way!

White Oprah might be a creature of evil that Lucifer looks to when he needs inspiration, but she's a frugal creature of evil that Lucifer looks to when he needs inspiration. TYVM.

On the left is Ali Lohan back in 2009 and on the right is someone the paps say is 17-year-old Ali Lohan in Beverly Hills yesterday, but I'm not so sure since how in White Oprah's coke spoon hell is that the same being?! The list of things White Oprah should be slapped in the mouth for is as full as full can be, but room should be made and this mess right here should be moved right up to the very top. It's official, the Lohan's family plastic surgery hates them more than any other bitch.

I can go on and on about how Ali's freckles have been replaced with zero food and spider leg brows, but I'm going to go sit in my end of the world bunk instead since V was obviously right and the teenage lizard aliens (also see: Courtney Stodden) have finally arrived. While I do that, please bust a CITIZEN'S ARREST on White Oprah or at least leave a trail of Jägerbombs from the rest stop bathroom she passed out in last night to Death Row.

No, this is not a page from the "Buy 1 Get 1 Free" clearance section of a Russian brides catalog that caters to gerontophile gentlemen who are in the market for a pre-owned model. This is Lindsay Lohan (on the left) and White Oprah (on the right) looking like if Jerri Blank brought Aunt Magda as her date to her winter formal. If Florida public access did a low-budget version of The Real Housewives of Boca, this is what it would look like.

Blohan and White Oprah peeled themselves out from under the heat lamp on the Sizzler buffet line and Crisco-ed themselves into the finest gowns from Frederick's to watch Kim Kardashian make a Geico caveman her second husband (and counting). Kim's invitation said that all hos must only wear black and/or white, so it's not like Blohan tried to hump the spotlight away from the bride. I wouldn't put it past her, but she had more important things to worry about. Like trying to sneak as many centerpieces into the trunk of her car so she can sell them later on eBay.

To see more priceless and coked up pictures of the Orange Chicken Sisters, click over to ONTD or Gossip Center. Those who don't already know will probably spend a few minutes trying to figure out which one came out of the other one's vagina. They're both on the wrong side of 48. But my favorite part of those pictures isn't that they both have the complexion of a chicharone. It's that they both obviously looked into the mirror of delusion and said at the same time, "Damn, bitch, we're going to make dicks rise tonight!"

Here's more pictures from Kim's second pre-divorce ceremony of her bridesmaids, Gaycrest, Julianne Hough, Brody Jenner and Avril Lavigne. This mess looks like one of Charlie Chaplin's black & white bowel movements.

The pieces I've read from Plum Miami Magazine's article on Lindsay Lohan is what it would look like if delusion and ego simultaneously barfed on a sheet of crazy. A MESS! LiLo swung from the L of delusion the entire time. This mess has everything you could ever want from a Lindsay Lohan article and the bitch didn't even give an interview.

Just like what White Oprah should've done those many years ago, she pulled out. So writer Jacquelynn Powers had to make do with what LiLo gave her on the set of the photo shoot and it was just freckled gold covered in fuckery. LiLo started spewing the self-entitlement from the very beginning....

"As we pulled up to the Fontainebleau, a bright-orange parking cone was blocking the entrance. Not accustomed to waiting, apparently, she lowered the car's window and shouted, 'Move that cone. I'm Lindsay Lohan,'" Powers recalls. "And it was done."

You know the orange cone thought to itself, "Move that cunt. I'm actually useful."

But seriously, "Move that cone. I'm Lindsay Lohan." is the kind of beautiful poetry that made White Oprah put down her bowl of chardonnay and wipe a tear that mixed with the crusted remains of a kamikaze shot that splattered against her face when a bar back tried to do a shot off her neck the night before (BONUS!). It truly is a good line that should be etched into the asshole of Lindsay Lohan's tombstone. But the foolery didn't stop there....

Noting that Lohan drank wine while discussing her sobriety, Powers says the Mean Girls star was "constantly looking for drama, whether it was picking a fight with her younger sister...or freaking out over a lost pair of Zanotti heels."

In case you're wondering what a fight between The Curious Case of Ali Lohan and Blohan would look like, click here.

And here's the best part of this masterful act of delusion:

Frustrated with the state of her career, Lohan said she "took ballet until she was 19 and was indignant that she was not considered for the movie Black Swan," Powers adds.

Though Lohan abruptly canceled the interview, that didn't stop her from making the most out of her time in Miami. "Monday morning was supposed to be check-out time, but Lindsay and her posse refused to leave," Powers writes. "It was like watching the lights come on at a nightclub after-hours -- not pretty."

What. More. Is. There. To. Say? But Lindsay Lohan is right. Bitch should've been in Black Swan, and I'm not confusing Black Swan with Crack Swan either. You know that demon that fucks a load of nightmares into Natalie Portman's being? The first thing I thought after seeing that monster was, "Nope. Not scary enough. Should've been Lohan.... Should've been Lohan..."

via UsWeekly

White Oprah, the Underground Drug Dealers Association's mother of every year, was generous enough to share her parenting tips with The Daily Beast to help other single mothers raise upstanding citizens of society like she has. Basically, what I'm guessing is that The Daily Beast meant to run this feature on April Fools Day but forgot and is running it on Mother's Day Weekend instead! From one daily beast to another:

On Being a Single Mom: "The secret to single parenting is to just teach them what you can teach them ... And you pray that instills in them for the rest of their life. You let them go, and if they fall, you're there to pick them up."

Translation: The secret to single parenting is to whore them out every chance you get. I didn't stretch my snatch out for nothing! WHORE. THOSE. LITTLE. FUCKERS. OUT. Do you really want to work? Read my nostrils when I say that it's much more fun to do body shots with the crew in your kid's trailer than to work like other losers! .....And you pray that they never OD so they can pay your bar tab for the rest of YOUR life. If they fall, you call the paparazzi to capture their fall and then you only help them up after you've given the exclusive to Inside Edition. I'm LIKETHIS with Debbie Norville.

On Discipline: "The boys got into more mischief. Lindsay, I'm trying to think… she was always good in school and was like my little buddy. She never really got into too much mischief young. She was a late bloomer."

Translation: THE BOYS! THE BOYS! Lordhelpmejesus. The boys don't bring in as much dough, so I just welded a condom onto them and pray they don't knock anything up! I means, can you imagine this high ball of sexiness as a grandmother to a bunch of screaming brats? Illegal, I tell you. Holdup. How much do you think Life & Style would pony up for an exclusive picture of me hugging the sonogram scan of my grandbaby's face? MAH! MAH! Yank those condoms off the boys! What were we talking about again? Are you going to drink that? Where am I?

On Being in the Spotlight: "No child's perfect. They're going to get into trouble, whether it's big or small. Unfortunately, we're a global name so they know about it in Indonesia. But just be there for your child, and if you see signs that they're doing things they shouldn't be doing, get them help."

Translation: I hear that in Jakarta there's a stripper who shoots lychee Jell-O shots out of her hooha and her stage name is, get ready for it, DINA LOHAN! Can you believe that? I'm world famous!

Now, I'm not a parent, but I think I speak for all parents when I say that the secret to good parenting is to do the complete opposite of everything White Oprah has done.

Last summer, Carvel's Fudgie the Whale and the childhood snatcher of Long Island got into a back alley knife fight after White Oprah abused Lindsay Lohan's Carvel Black Card by trying to get another free cake for her son's birthday. At the time, Fudgie the Whale wouldn't even shit out a ball of chocolate ice cream into White Oprah's mouth if she was dying of ice cream deprivation (there's such a thing). But oh how things have changed, because look at what we have here. Fudgie and White Oprah are just laughing and smiling like they weren't at each other's throats a few months ago.

Even the children in the audience need answers. That little boy is definitely throwing a "this better be a trap and I hope Cookie Puss is going to bust through that door to handle a bitch" side-eye. And the little girl is raising her hand to ask what is the meaning of the foolery that is happening before her.

White Oprah and Fudge's story is that they have joined forces to promote healthy eating in schools. Just call her White Michelle Obama from now on. Here's the press from ProticaCares:

Dina Lohan appeared this Tuesday as a guest speaker at a kick-off event for a new charitable campaign, the ProticaCares Sweet Treats Giveaway program. Lohan spoke to a group of more than 100 K-2 students at the Brookside School in Baldwin, NY, about the importance of balanced nutrition and the combination of healthy and sweet treats as part of a well-rounded diet and lifestyle. The national program will send a Carvel® Ice Cream cake and a variety of tasty, healthy treats to a different U.S. grade school or children's hospital unit every week for the next 75 years.

“Healthy eating and good dieting has always been something I’ve tried to teach my children,” says Lohan. “A strong body will give you a strong mind. The opportunity to work with the ProticaCares program and extend that message to children in my own community was an exciting opportunity that I wanted to be a part of. The event was a tremendous success, and I think ProticaCares will go a long way in educating children across the country that you can eat sweet treats but always in moderation and always with a good mix of healthy treats, too.”

Yes, because when I think of healthy eating I immediately think of White Oprah and ice cream cakes. GENIUS campaign! I mean it. There are zero granules of sarcasm in those last 3 sentences. I mean, a picture of Fudgie the Whale IS my food chart, so he's the epitome of healthy eating to me. And I'm sure White Oprah regularly cuts the coke with cauliflower powder to make sure LiLo gets her daily serving of vegetables.

One of my fantasies is to be in a documentary version of "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids" called "Honey, I Shrunk the Gay" just so I can be miniaturized. Then I can crawl up White Oprah's black hole nostril, crawl over her whiskey snot balls, stumble through the cocaine tundra in her nose canal and make my way up to her brain, because you know it's a fantastical world of nonsense in there. I'd waltz with fried brain cells, take a dip in the Adderall powder pool and marvel at the WTF images projected in the Jack Daniels Theater. The HUH? shit this crazy comes up with.....

Take this mess for instance, White Oprah echoed her "Lindsay is a one name WONDER" thought to Popeater and goes on to say that her innocent child really is going to drop the Lohan from her name completely. And the American Crackhead Comedy Award goes to.....

"Lindsay is dropping the Lohan and just going by Lindsay. Plus, me and Ali will be officially changing our last names back to my maiden name, Sullivan."

A "family friend" dipped a few more gems into fuckery's gas stank by saying, "So many of the greatest people in showbiz are known by just their first name. Look at Oprah and Beyonce. Now you can add Lindsay to that list. And it's a way for them all to start over. No one in the family want anything to do with Lindsay's father anymore and that includes sharing a last name."

Maybe she can legally change her name to Prisoner No. 666-BITCHPLEASE or HAHA since that's what she'll be addressed as in a couple of months.

But really, what is wrong with them?! The Lohans (who will FOREVER be Lohans) live in a fart bubble that must filter out any mention of Lindsay Wagner or Lindsay Price. Because those Lindsays are way more famous. You can take the Lohan out of the Lohan, but you can't take the DELUSION out of the Lohan.

The parking lot of the T.G.I. Friday's on Long Island will be extra quiet for a while now that White Oprah isn't there to drunkenly holler while being escorted out by bus boys after happy hour. That's because White Oprah, Ali, Cody and Michael Jr. are in Los Angeles to support Lindsay Lohan as she receives a most improved award at the Oscars this Sunday. No, but I'm sure that's what White Oprah told the ladies in the stalls next to her at the T.G.I. Friday's bathroom before she snorted a line of Vivarin off the toilet seat. The real truth is that the Lohans have gathered together to be with LiLo for her latest date with the court this week.

Unfortunately, Nana Lohan couldn't make the trip. She started to pack her overnight carpet bag (which strangely enough is SamRo's nickname for LiLo), but quickly realized that she just doesn't give a shit.

There was a rumor going around that SamRo and LiLo spent Valentine's Day together and might be bumping baginas again, but I took that with a grain of kitty litter masquerading as dirty coke. Lindsay Lohan will forever be the Alicia Silverstone to SamRo's Cary Elwes. SamRo will always find LiLo hiding out in her dirty laundry basket, sniffing her dildos for foreign pussy dust and trying to empty a wasps' nest into the vents when her new fuck partner is in the darkroom. It's just the way it is, but I didn't think SamRo would want to bring the crazy back into her life. But I guess she does.

TMZ posted a picture of SamRo and LiLo leaving a club early this morning while looking like they just snorting human brains. ZOMBIE HELL. And a few hours later, SamRo Tweeted the above Tweet. LiLo is a crazy bitch who stalked SamRo, broke out one of her windows, caused her family members to reach for a restraining order and she's still lounging to next to that inside/out Butterfinger? They must see episodes of The L-Word with flashes of the Northern Lights when they do it, because they are willing to go crazy for each other.

I'm sorry, but no pussy (or dick) is worth getting the words "nervous breakdown due to good pussy" scrawled on your mental health file. I think.

And while her little girl was passed out next to the Caucasian Skeletor, White Oprah was on Good Morning America for I don't even know. I guess when she made her pact with the devil, she agreed to terrorize the public with her face and delusions as much as possible. Here's White Oprah saying more of the same.

In case you don't want to watch the clip above because The Grudge has made you superstitious of dark-sided videos, here's a few things White Oprah covered:

On LiLo's advice to Charlie Sheen: "Just....get help."

On how she's morally correct: "My parents taught me well, just to live morally correct and be a good person. She's in Hollywood, she's under a microscope so it's a lot more difficult."

On how the media keeps trying to drag her family down: "God willing she won't go back to jail. It's not a happy moment for us. I really can't talk about the case, it's pending. We have great attorneys and the media makes it a lot worse than it really is. We stick to the facts. The media has gotten nothing wrong, it's just what you do."

On how George Stephanopoulos and the rest of the media keeps asking the wrong questions: "You're not focusing on her sobriety or how well she's doing. Nobody talks about the positive. Everyone just wants to knock you down."

On if LiLo's managers and agents are part of the problem: "We're working with her team. They're great people now. They are media experts. Lindsay is just a little girl who loves to work. I could care less if she does another movie. But you have to surround yourself with people who get the business."

On the mistakes she's made as a mother: "I'm learning as I go as well... You don't get a parent handbook. I'm a single mother of four kids and we're very close. It's been difficult and I can't say I have any answers but all we can do is love our kids and be there for them. And catch them when we fall. And instill what I've learned from my parents who have been married for 50 years."

On what LiLo wants: "Lindsay just wants everyone to leave us alone and let her live her life. Let her grow up. She's 24, and that's not young, she's a young woman. I just think...to just breathe."

When George ended the interview, White Oprah actually said something intelligent: "I have no idea what I just said."