White Oprah

Take a good look at 13-year-old Ashley Kaufmann, because this could be the last time you see her looking so innocent, normal and pure. It's only been a few days since Michael Lohan came forward claiming Ashley was his secret love child. He has since taken back his claims and is waiting for the results of a paternity test.

Ashley's mother, Kristi Kaufmann, has wasted no time in whoring out her child and she's reportedly trying to get her daughter a record deal. It looks like White Oprah has some competition in the "Greatest Mom on the Planet" contest.

A source told MSNBC's The Scoop, “Ashley has more talent than Lindsay or Ali.” Um...that isn't saying much. The corroded peanut my pooch pooped out this morning has more talent than Ali. Seriously, it does. I'm in negotiations with White Oprah about being its manager.

A family source also claims, "Ashley’s singing ability just proves that the family talent comes from Michael, not Dina Lohan.” Riddle me this, who in that family has singing ability?

Kristi Kaufmann isn't the only dumb bitch trying to make a quick buck off of a child. Michael Lohan is trying to make a deal with OK! or People for the exclusive rights to his paternity test results. Michael's asking price is only around $20,000, but nobody is interested. A Source told Page Six, "He's approaching everyone to get the highest bid because, if he is the dad, he's going to need the money for back child support." What about Maury?! Seriously, Michael is a dumb fuck for not asking Maury! Maury is the only person who is allowed to say "You ARE the father!"

And it will only be a matter of time before lil' Ashley is covered in orange grease and stumbling drunk out of cars. The Lohans kill innocence faster than Jacko does!

45-year-old Ali Lohan is in talks to play the female lead in a remake of the 1986 movie "Troll." White Oprah has already snagged the title role No, she hasn't, but that's truly a shame. That was the roll (as Brit Brit says) she was born to play.

Marc Malkin reports that Ali auditioned for the role of Eunice St. Clair who helps some boy named Harry Potter Jr (not that one) fight an evil troll. One of the Olsens better play the evil troll. I mean, they don't even have to shoot them. They can just use old footage from their shitty movies and "Full House."

The director had this to say about Ali, "The camera loves her. She's a really good actress...I am personally going to fight for her." The camera loves her? I know the camera adds 10 pounds, but does it also take off 20 years, because Ali cannot pass for a teen.

The original movie starred Sonny Bono and Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

Oh and when I said "she auditioned last week" I really meant "White Oprah gave all the producers blumpkins."

Thanks Derek

White Oprah recently said that Lindsay and Samantha Ronson were "just friends." Now she's changing her tune. White Oprah wouldn't confirm or deny the rumors to OK! Magazine. She only said, "If she's happy, I'm happy. That's all I'll say. Samantha's great. I've known her and her family for ten years." Ugh! White Oprah would be the type of bitch that says "that's all I'll say" and then keeps yapping. Don't her nasty ass gums ever get dry? She probably moisturizes them with Lindsay's skin grease.

Please, White Oprah is so full of caca. She should have told the truth and said, "I don't give a fuck who Lezzy eats as long as she keeps signing those checks."

In other Lezzy news, White Oprah confirmed that her daughter was at the hospital yesterday for "asthma" issues. Yesterday, Lindsay's rep lied and said she was just "visiting a friend" with SamRo.

White Oprah told People, "She was losing oxygen. She couldn't breathe. She was afraid to go the hospital because [the paparazzi] were gonna write about it. She was sick. If you were sick, and you're mother couldn't even take you to a hospital because paparazzi will fabricate some story, you know, it's sad. It's really sad." No, what's sad is that White Oprah would have brought reality show cameras with her.

Asthma my ass! The dildo probably got stuck. It happens.

"Living Lohan" starring White Oprah and her 45-year-old premiered last night on E! I was drunk through most of it, so I'm not sure what really went down on the show. That's probably not such a bad thing. I'll watch that shit again today. The torture!

Michael Lohan has a lot to say about the show. Of course! The bitch probably has a lot to say about the brand of toilet paper White Oprah uses. He'll talk about anything. OK! Magazine has given him a weekly forum to spew his thoughts about each episode of "Living Lohan." He has to get in on the action somehow.

Michael said, "Soooooo, you want a comment on the first episode of Living Lohan? Well, let's see... If I were to look at things from a wordly perspective, I would probably have a lot to say about exploitation, hypocrisy and even deception — and maybe at a later date, I might just do so. For now, let's just say I'm still trying to figure out if this show is about managing Ali's career and being a "real" mother, or reading tabloids."

He went on to say, "I've had a sneak peek at some future episodes and I will say that some of the people Dina surrounds the kids with still concerns me — again, I can address that when they appear on the show. I just hope Dina takes the high road — like a Lohan would — and rights these wrongs."

He finished with," I wish Ali, Cody and Dina the best on the show and pray that they get what they want out of it."

Yeah, but what does he have to say about Nana? That's the only hot bitch on the show I care about. Michael Lohan is funny. He constantly criticizes White Oprah for whoring out their kids, but yet he'll blab to the media about anything and everything. They should have never broken up. They were a match made in attention whore heaven.

Below are pics of Michael with his girlfriend at Kim Kardashian's party in the Hamptons this past weekend. He definitely has a type.....

Denise and Charlie (see below) aren't the only two attention whores blabbing to the media about their problems. Michael Lohan, the name alone makes me dry heave, has filed papers to reopen his divorce to White Oprah. Basically, Michael wants to see more of his kids and White Oprah isn't making this possible.

He told Rush & Molloy, "If I was a maniac, I could understand it. I don't drink, I don't smoke. I work, I go to the gym, I go home. I just want to see my kids." He forgot to mention that he also spends most of his time slagging off White Oprah in the press. Oh and I'm pretty sure he's a maniac. Any doctor will tell you I'm right.

Michael Lohan said White Oprah has missed 15 out of 29 visitation appointments. She's been taking the kids everywhere from California to Las Vegas for her reality show. He went on to say, "She doesn't care. She does what she wants."

Hmmm....I wonder how much White Oprah is paying Michael? She does have a reality show coming out on Monday and all press is good press. She's totally paying him in creampies. Orange creampies.

First of all, can't the Lohans skip a fake tanning session and use that money to buy their pooch a new crib. That shit is busted! At least it matches their skin - rough, patchy and used.

Ali Lohan and White Oprah are doing the talk show rounds promoting their reality show. Ali Lohan was on Letterman last night without her mommy. At the end of the interview, Letterman accidentally called her Lindsay Lohan. Can you blame him? Ali, Lindsay, White Oprah, they are all the same! I think it was more shocking when Ali declared she was 14-years-old. I still can't get over that little fact. It still hits me like a HoHan car crash.

White Oprah and Ali were also on GMA this morning where they claimed they were a "normal" family. Normal to crackheads and hookers.

Click here to see Letterman call Ali "Lindsay"
Click here to see the full Letterman interview
Click here to see W.O. and Ali on GMA

Lohan overload! I need a bath. Below are some pics of Ali outside Letterman yesterday and with her mother outside GMA this morning.

When it was announced that White Oprah was getting her own reality show, HoHan reportedly said that she would never be on it. White Oprah claims that she's the one that told HoHan she couldn't be on the show. There's only room for 2 orange hags on that show.

W.O. told TV Guide (via MSNBC), “I told Lindsay I don’t want her on the show right now. … Doing reality TV would almost be taking a step backward as far as her career goes."

Um....there's no more backward steps for her to take. HoHan has already hit the wall.

However, White Oprah thinks reality TV is good enough for JLo. She told Radar, “Three years ago I would have said, ‘No way am I doing a reality show … but it's just where entertainment is headed. I mean, even J.Lo has one these days.”

White Oprah better watch her haggard, orange ass. JLo is going to send Skeletor after her.

I've just realized that I've posted 3 Lohan posts before noon. Something bad is going to happen. Somewhere in Long Island, a dumb skank will get the wrong shade of orange during a fake tanning session. She will curse my name.

Below are some pictures of HoHan with her man leaving a restaurant in Malibu last night.

Breaking news! 14-year-old (going on 45) Ali Lohan got made fun of at school once. Ali said that a group of girls made a video about her and put it on YouTube. Those girls are awesome. Well, they are.

She told People, "They used disgusting words. Like if my mom ever heard me say that stuff, I'd be grounded for life! ... They're disgusting kids. I got really aggravated."

Those "disgusting words" she's talking about are probably part of White Oprah's daily vocabulary. If White Oprah heard Ali say those words, she would probably pat her on the back and give her a congratulatory puff from the Lohan meth pipe.

Ali said the girls were suspended. She went on to say that she no longer has those problems, because she's home-schooled. She said, "You learn so much more – it's just hard to focus when girls are giving you problems. No one's talking about you behind your back. It's definitely easier." And instead of getting gold stars for a job well done, you get shots of Tequila! Shit, why didn't I go to The White Oprah School Of Hard Knocks And Tequila Shots.

Ali seems to think that only girls get made fun of, "I think it happens to all the other girls out there, because girls are just mean. It doesn't happen with guys. When I asked [my little brother] Cody, he was like, 'No, Guys don't care!' "

Oh Ali! Who knew a 45-year-old woman could be so naive?

Lindsay Lohan is not in White Oprah's reality masterpiece, but her fake sex pictures make a cameo! In the clip above, White Oprah freaks out when she sees pictures of HoHan sucking cock. The pictures were later proven to be false. White Oprah even shows Ali Lohan the pictures. Hey, Ali is HoHan's sister. I'm sure she's seen a lot worse LIVE.

White Oprah also tells us, "Ali just loves this business and, unfortunately, I have to manage her." And unfortunately she has no choice but to whore out her entire family in a reality show. It's not her choice. That's a good thing, because this piece of trash is going to be amazing.

White Oprah and her 35-year-old daughter, Ali Lohan, are making the rounds whoring out their new reality show. Extra asked Ali and White Oprah about the rumors that HoHan is bumping vagina lips with Samantha Ronson.

Ali said, “They’re best friends. They’re just friends. It's pathetic what people say." Lezzzz be friends. Best friends with benefits! Friends who happen to eat each other's coochie cats. You get the picture.

White Oprah responded, “It’s so silly. We actually laugh about it now. It really hurts, but you develop a thick skin. You have to ignore it.” A thick skin thanks to layers and layers of fake tanning grease!

Denials! You can't deny the heat between Ronson and HoHan. That's from some weird STD, but there's still heat between them!

Click here to see the video. Below is HoHan in some cokahontas boots with a female friend that is not Samantha Ronson. Lesbo fight! They'll 69 and make-up later.