White Oprah

First of all, can't the Lohans skip a fake tanning session and use that money to buy their pooch a new crib. That shit is busted! At least it matches their skin - rough, patchy and used.

Ali Lohan and White Oprah are doing the talk show rounds promoting their reality show. Ali Lohan was on Letterman last night without her mommy. At the end of the interview, Letterman accidentally called her Lindsay Lohan. Can you blame him? Ali, Lindsay, White Oprah, they are all the same! I think it was more shocking when Ali declared she was 14-years-old. I still can't get over that little fact. It still hits me like a HoHan car crash.

White Oprah and Ali were also on GMA this morning where they claimed they were a "normal" family. Normal to crackheads and hookers.

Click here to see Letterman call Ali "Lindsay"
Click here to see the full Letterman interview
Click here to see W.O. and Ali on GMA

Lohan overload! I need a bath. Below are some pics of Ali outside Letterman yesterday and with her mother outside GMA this morning.

When it was announced that White Oprah was getting her own reality show, HoHan reportedly said that she would never be on it. White Oprah claims that she's the one that told HoHan she couldn't be on the show. There's only room for 2 orange hags on that show.

W.O. told TV Guide (via MSNBC), “I told Lindsay I don’t want her on the show right now. … Doing reality TV would almost be taking a step backward as far as her career goes."

Um....there's no more backward steps for her to take. HoHan has already hit the wall.

However, White Oprah thinks reality TV is good enough for JLo. She told Radar, “Three years ago I would have said, ‘No way am I doing a reality show … but it's just where entertainment is headed. I mean, even J.Lo has one these days.”

White Oprah better watch her haggard, orange ass. JLo is going to send Skeletor after her.

I've just realized that I've posted 3 Lohan posts before noon. Something bad is going to happen. Somewhere in Long Island, a dumb skank will get the wrong shade of orange during a fake tanning session. She will curse my name.

Below are some pictures of HoHan with her man leaving a restaurant in Malibu last night.

Breaking news! 14-year-old (going on 45) Ali Lohan got made fun of at school once. Ali said that a group of girls made a video about her and put it on YouTube. Those girls are awesome. Well, they are.

She told People, "They used disgusting words. Like if my mom ever heard me say that stuff, I'd be grounded for life! ... They're disgusting kids. I got really aggravated."

Those "disgusting words" she's talking about are probably part of White Oprah's daily vocabulary. If White Oprah heard Ali say those words, she would probably pat her on the back and give her a congratulatory puff from the Lohan meth pipe.

Ali said the girls were suspended. She went on to say that she no longer has those problems, because she's home-schooled. She said, "You learn so much more – it's just hard to focus when girls are giving you problems. No one's talking about you behind your back. It's definitely easier." And instead of getting gold stars for a job well done, you get shots of Tequila! Shit, why didn't I go to The White Oprah School Of Hard Knocks And Tequila Shots.

Ali seems to think that only girls get made fun of, "I think it happens to all the other girls out there, because girls are just mean. It doesn't happen with guys. When I asked [my little brother] Cody, he was like, 'No, Guys don't care!' "

Oh Ali! Who knew a 45-year-old woman could be so naive?

Lindsay Lohan is not in White Oprah's reality masterpiece, but her fake sex pictures make a cameo! In the clip above, White Oprah freaks out when she sees pictures of HoHan sucking cock. The pictures were later proven to be false. White Oprah even shows Ali Lohan the pictures. Hey, Ali is HoHan's sister. I'm sure she's seen a lot worse LIVE.

White Oprah also tells us, "Ali just loves this business and, unfortunately, I have to manage her." And unfortunately she has no choice but to whore out her entire family in a reality show. It's not her choice. That's a good thing, because this piece of trash is going to be amazing.

White Oprah and her 35-year-old daughter, Ali Lohan, are making the rounds whoring out their new reality show. Extra asked Ali and White Oprah about the rumors that HoHan is bumping vagina lips with Samantha Ronson.

Ali said, “They’re best friends. They’re just friends. It's pathetic what people say." Lezzzz be friends. Best friends with benefits! Friends who happen to eat each other's coochie cats. You get the picture.

White Oprah responded, “It’s so silly. We actually laugh about it now. It really hurts, but you develop a thick skin. You have to ignore it.” A thick skin thanks to layers and layers of fake tanning grease!

Denials! You can't deny the heat between Ronson and HoHan. That's from some weird STD, but there's still heat between them!

Click here to see the video. Below is HoHan in some cokahontas boots with a female friend that is not Samantha Ronson. Lesbo fight! They'll 69 and make-up later.

Michael Lohan is totally jelly that he doesn't have a "Father of the Year" plaque from the 99 cent store hanging over his broken radiator. White Oprah was honored for her superb parent skills by Mingling Moms earlier this week and Michael thinks it's a joke.

He blasted off to Page Six about it, "Are you kidding! Top celebrity mom? Look at her off-screen antics, her lack of morals and how she conducts herself. I guess they forgot to mention how this top super-mom leaves her kids alone at night and even parties in their presence. Just wait until we go back to court. She comes stumbling out of Butter at 3:15 a.m. with bloodshot eyes and a red runny nose, yelling 'Oh, [bleep],' when she saw the paparazzi."

Um...that's exactly what a top celebrity mom does. I'm sure there's a handbook somewhere that states you must come stumbling out of a club with bloodshot eyes, cursing at the paps at least once a week.

White Oprah pulled out the jelly card when she responded to Michael's rant, "He's jealous that I got the award. He even called the organizers and tried to talk them out of giving it to me." The organizers probably responded with, "Sorry. We already cashed her check." Take that Michael!

She also said she has a restraining order on his ass until 2011, but she's afraid he will break the order by trying to contact her directly. "I'm getting nervous. Lindsay came to town two weeks ago and wanted security guys there in case he showed up. His parole officer needs to see what he's doing and realize that he cannot address me directly or indirectly. He wears a tracking device and they'll know if he comes anywhere near me. He's on a mission to destroy me."

Paranoid much? Sweetie needs to lay off the white grains. It's effing with her brains and her nose. Seriously, I could shove a Hummer up those nostrils.

Here's some pictures of Mother of the Year, White Oprah, with her 35-year-old daughter at the Candies Foundation Benefit in NYC last night. Ali Lohan looks like she had a little filler put in, but I'm sure it's natural. White Oprah put a little coke on her lips to plump them up a bit. There's no way she'd let her daughter get injected with filler. She's a top mom!

If you stare deep enough into White Oprah's nostrils in the picture above, you can see Colombia.....

Anyway, when I heard Mingling Moms named White Oprah as one of their "Mothers of the Year," I thought it was a really late April Fool's Joke. It wasn't. White Oprah showed up yesterday to pick up her $2 plaque. Mingling Moms could have at least put White Oprah instead of Dina Lohan on that shit.

Newsday asked 45-year-old White Oprah what kind of advice she gives to HoHan, WO said, "Just to be honest and to stay morally correct. And listen to your mother." She forgot to add, "And steal more fur coats, because my mortgage is due."

The HBIC of Mingling Moms said this about WO, "Dina is such a dedicated mom. Through all the ups and downs of Lindsay, she has been by her side.” The last part of that quote must have been cut off. It should read "by her side doing lines."

Here's some pics of White Oprah with her momma at the awards ceremony yesterday.

White Oprah has been named one of Long Island's Top 20 Moms by Mingling Moms. The organization told OK! Magazine there's nothing really behind it. They just compiled a list of moms of celebrities in the Long Island area. Basically, anybody can be on the list. Too bad Lynne Spears doesn't live in Long Island. She missed out.

A rep said, “We’re just honoring celebrity moms on Long Island. It’s something for Mother’s Day. It’s a list of mothers from Long Island who have raised superstar children.” Other women on the list include Alec Baldwin's mommy, Mariah Carey's mommy, Natalie Portman's mommy and Billy Joel's mommy.

White Oprah is planning to attend the awards ceremony tomorrow. That's if she doesn't get wasted and oversleeps.

I'm sorry, but the only organization that should be allowed to name White Oprah as their "mother of the year" is Anheuser-Busch.

14-year-old Ali Lohan, daughter of White Oprah, has started filming "Mostly Ghostly" in Los Angeles. Ali is making her feature film debut as a "a popular high school senior" reports People. A source said the role is similar to HoHan's role in "Mean Girls."

14 playing 17?! Ali could pass for 25, so the make-up and lighting people have their work cut out for them to make her look 17.

Now that Ali has landed her first film role, she's well on her way to following in her sister's mess steps. DUI, rehab, rinse and repeat!

Michael Lohan has to do something to stay in the news, so he's decided to reopen his divorce case against White Oprah. Divorce: The Sequel. It's going to be shittier than the first one. Michael told Rush & Molly that he gave her everything and she still has made it hard for him to see his kids.

He said, "Even though my father is dying and my mother was in a car accident on Easter, my parents still haven't seen my children." Those kids are too busy being whored out by White Oprah for their new reality show. I'm surprised White Oprah hasn't let her kids visit their dying grandfather with the cameras rolling on them. That would be perfect for the season finale.

Speaking of White Oprah's reality show, Michael Lohan thinks she stole his idea and he's suing her for it. "Living Lohan" is set to debut on E! this Summer. Michael said, "It's the exact same show I pitched. She even used my title."

Isn't Michael a born-again? Born-agains should not lie! A few months ago Michael said this about White Oprah's reality show, "I am definitely not looking for my own reality show. That's Dina's thing, and I've got my own thing."

Those Lohan kids don't stand a chance.