Sarah Jessica Parker
SJP has had it with Matthew Broderick's lies, cheating and drama! Well, that's what you deal with when you're shacking up with a gay. And she also probably got sick of his fresh dick cheddar breath and constant use of jazz hands. Seriously, I picture Matthew Broderick using jazz hands for everything. When he says "good morning," when he says "goodnight" and especially when he pops one. Actually, when he orgasms, he does the Rockette kick followed by jazz hands and a curtsy.
SJP is getting sick of all that drama queen shit, so she's moving the fuck out of their big gay townhouse. That's what Star Magazine claims anyway. Their sources said SJP has hired a broker and is looking for her own apartment. "Sarah's not stupid. She knows exactly what's going on. For a while it was easier for her to stay than go through a harsh divorce. They're essentially living separate lives. They spent the holidays with him, pretending to be happy. SJP is a great actress when she has to be!"
I wish I could make a bitch about that "great actress" comment, but even I have to admit that her performance in Girls Just Wanna Have Fun was riveting.
Why does she have to move out?! Isn't she's the one who's putting carrots and sugar cubes on the table? Besides, it wasn't cheap to install that stable and trough in the basement. He should get his jazz hand-loving ass out of there and into a Chelsea studio with a small kitchenette like a real gay!
And it makes sense that Miley's "first kiss" is with a homo dude's chin.
Samantha Jones confirmed to Scary Spice on The Paul O'Grady Show that the three scrappy hags (and Cynthia Nixon) will be back for a "Sex and the City" sequel tentatively titled "SATC 2: Doing It For The Money."
When asked by Scary if there would be another movie, Kim Cattrall responded, "Yes, there will be a sequel "Yes, there will be a sequel. We will do the sequel next summer. We wanted to film the first time, and now we’re hopefully doing it again for the second time. It is difficult getting everybody who’s so incredibly busy all together at the same time."
A spokeswhore for New Line only said they are "in negotiations for a sequel."
They might as well move those memaws from NYC to Miami already and call it "Golden Girls: THE MOVIE." I mean, Kim is like 80-years-old! Okay, she's really 52, but still.
I'm sure they'll fuck up the sequel like they did the first one by not giving the starring role to Rojo Caliente!
It was the horsey's fault!!! The collapse of Vadge's marriage has been blamed on one of Heidi Montag's relatives. Sort of. A friend of Vadge's tells The Sun that her marriage started to turn into diarrhea after she fell off of a horse in 2005. Vadge broke bones and shit, but Guy didn't seem to care.
Vadge was put in the hospital and said it was one of the most painful experiences of her life. Even more painful than "Shanghai Surprise"? Damn. The experience was extra shitty because her husband didn't show her any kind of compassion.
Vadge's friend said, “Madonna was in a huge amount of pain and expected Guy to drop everything to be at her bedside. In her mind that is what every husband should do to support his wife when she has been through a traumatic, possibly life-threatening, experience. But Guy approached the whole thing in what she now calls, ‘A very British way’. Instead of smothering her with sympathy he said, ‘Come on darling, you’re a tough bird. You’ll be back on the horse in no time’. Guy’s approach was that a few broken bones is no big deal – and that there was no point in making a drama out of a crisis. But in Madonna’s mind, she could have been killed, and she wanted the full works and to be lavished with love and attention."
Vadge told friends that Guy must not be her soulmate. She also vowed to never date British dudes again because they are "emotionally-stunted." This coming from a bitch who probably can't even produce tears.
This whole story sounds a little weird to me. I would think Vadge would be the complete opposite. I see her as the type who wants to be left alone when they're sick. I'm like that when I'm ill. When people try and take care of me, I snot on their hands or tell them to go play on the freeway. I want to wallow in my own grossness by myself.
Guy probably didn't give a horse's taint, because he planned that shit himself! He gave that horse an extra carrot to throw her off. Well, the joke was on Guy. Vadge can never be thrown off her high horse. Never.
These hags need to go back to the stable and only come out when they have Rojo Caliente with them. And by "hags" I mean Sarah Jessica Parker. Who told her that she had the right to dress up like Holly Golightly? More like Holly Gofugly. Or Holly Gogallopawayandonlycomebackwhenyouhaverojowithyou. Or Holly Gocleanyourfuckingdressbecausetheresjizzonit. Seriously, did SJP wear Matthew Broderick's Holly Golightly Halloween costume? That's the only reason I can think of on why there's man chowder all over it. Blame Nathan Lane. The queen doesn't know how to control his cum shots. Barf. And double barf.
SJP looked like something out of "Breakfast at the Corral" at the "Sex and the City" DVD launch party in NYC last night. Kim Cattrall brought her boy toy. And once again, Cynthia Nixon kept Rojo Caliente away from the cameras. Jealous ginge! The other bitch from SATC wasn't there for reasons unknown. I forgot her name. You know, the chick who busted her head on the pool at "Melrose Place." Yeah, that ho.
Here's more from the party last night. I added an overused and old picture of Rojo. Pretend it's new. Seeing Rojo's beautiful face has me singing "Where Are You Rojo?" to the tune of "Where Are You Christmas?"
Candace Bushnell, the author of "Sex and the City," is writing a teen novel about Carrie Bradshaw's filly years. Sex and the Locker Room! Sex and Detention! Sex and Homeroom! You get it.
Candace said: "I've always been interested in exploring Carrie's teenage years. Carrie in high school did not follow the crowd - she led it. It was there that she began observing and commenting on the social scene."
HarperCollins, the bitches publishing the book, said: "Teenagers are rabid fans of the Sex and the City book and show. I can't wait to see what happens when Candace turns her sharp eye for social commentary to the other competitive jungle that is high school."
Teenagers in high school are probably having more sex than me, so I guess this makes sense. Although, I think I liked this idea better when it was called "Square Pegs." Seriously. That shit was sort of like SATC. Not really, but let's just pretend for once.
Obviously, Patty Green is Carrie Bradshaw. Muffy Tepperman is Charlotte, LaDonna Fredericks is Miranda and Jennifer DiNuccio is Samantha. And what about Lauren Hutchinson? Well, I guess she's Stanford.
Matthew Broderick and SJP just so happened to run into the paps as they left a restaurant together in NYC last night. Please, you know those bitches texted the paps. I would say call, but who does that anymore?
Last week, Star Magazine claimed Matthew is having an affair with a chick. Yes, a woman. A biological woman. Obviously, since SJP and Matthew are out together, this must mean their marriage is just peachy.
I'm surprised Matthew didn't grab SJP, dip her, suck on her pony lips, and declare his love for her in front of everyone. Shit, they should have just done fuckey fuckey times in front of the paps, so everyone would know that their marriage isn't in the troff.
And what is going on with Matthew? He used to be semi-cute, right? Now he just looks like he spends way too much time in his basement, watching really kinky gay porn while eating an entire box of Vanilla Wafers.
Also, I didn't know they were Buddhists. Isn't the white string a Buddhist thing? I should become a Buddhist. I like white strings.
Slap me with a 10-inch dick! There's no way Matthew Broderick cheated on My Little Pony Parker with a woman! Had the cover read "....With a 25-year-old pony" or "....With a 25-year-old dude," then I would believe it!
According to Star Magazine, Matthew met some 25-year-old youth counselor in a bar. Shortly after they met, Matthew and the redhead started text messaging and then they began seeing each other. The chick's friend claims they do sexy times at the townhouse of one of Matthew's friends. That must be some friend. I would never let one of my friends spread their genital fungus all over my good shit.
I doubt Matthew and the redhead were doing sexy times. They were playing Matthew's favorite game, "Broadway Divas." Matthew plays Ethel Merman and the redhead plays Gwen Verdon. Matthew is a total theater fag. My Little Pony doesn't play that game with Matthew, because she's too busy being the fucking breadwinner.
When asked for a comment, MLP said, "Neigh, Neigh, Neeeeeeiggggghhhh."
The Daily Mail thinks My Little Pony Parker finally got her witch's mole removed. Matthew Broderick probably couldn't take it anymore, so he finally chewed it off. She showed up to the MLB All-Star game at Yankees Stadium last night without her mole.
You can still see a small mark. Maybe she covered that shit up or maybe she removed it for medical reasons. What am I saying? Who really gives an eff?! Although, I will miss the mole. The mole made her look even more like Witchie Poo. Witchie Poo is a hot bitch.
And I don't know about the mole, but her prune hands look like they've been soaking in the bath for fucking years. Bitch needs some cocoa butter.
A sequel to the queef orgy known as "Sex and the City" is in the works. As soon as this shit opened with a gazillion dollars at the box office, I knew My Little Pony Parker immediately held a meeting at her barn to ask HBO how many more carrots and sugar cubes they are going to give her for the sequel.
At the TCA press tour, one of the HBICs of HBO said, "There is enormous interest by Warner Bros. and New Line to do another Sex and the City and I think in fact they're trying to put that together now. When that happens or how long it would take, I can't say. But there's tremendous interest." He went on to sqwak that they were all "heartened by the enthusiasm from the [Sex and the City] fans and by the new fans." No, they are all shitting in their diapers at the amount of cash it made.
They would be stupid to not put out a sequel. I mean, when I went to see this estrogen fiesta in the theaters, dozens of vaginas practically exploded for it. They all came dressed up and were screaming like they just saw a 10-inch dick. Shit, I'm a big ass girl, but even that was too much for me. I had to pop testerone pills just to bring my estrogen levels down.
I'm ok with a sequel as long as it's called "Sex and the City 2: It's ROJO CALIENTE Time!"
My Little Pony Parker and her big gay husband, Matthew Broderick, love to smoke all day and all night and don't see to mind that it sees to be affecting their 5-year-old son, James Wilke.
Ferrus Bueller told New York Magazine (via Us), "He's already curious. I can just see the little budding gene of a smoker in there. He'll see a cigarette butt and say, 'What is that? Why do people smoke?'"
Little James will be trading in his big wheel for a pack of Camels any day now. Matthew went on to say, "I used to smoke cigarettes, and I still do, lately. I gave that up a long time ago, but every now and then I will fall off for a week." And he said My Little Pony is worse. Pony needs to trade that ciggie for a nutritious carrot. It will make her mane shinier.
It could be worse! He could be Wino's kid. If he was Wino's kid, he would have been shooting up between his little toes before he could even walk.
You know what's more offensive than Ferris not seeming to mind that his kid might grow up to be a smoker? The fact that they put the poor boy in CROCS! CROCS!!!!! CROCS are made in the devil's workshop. Yes, they are!