Brangelina

Saint Morticia and Bradley Pitt had dinner in Berlin last night to celebrate her make-up artist's birthday or some shit. Well, Brad and the others ate dinner. Angie Jo was full from drinking the tears of angels earlier in the day. She just sat and nibbled on the fear of those around her.

Brad and the holy family are in Berlin while he finishes filming that Inglorious Bastard shit. You know what that means? The fugstache will soon be a distant memory. Sometimes I looked at that thing and felt a tickle in my glitter star (yes it glitters). And other times I looked at that shit and saw my creepy neighbor who talks to his plants and hangs naked baby dolls from his shower curtain rod. True story.

When Brad finally takes a razor to that shit, he should do it live on webcam since so many whores have been waiting for this moment. And of course he should eBay that shit. There's a Brangaloonie somewhere who will sell her house and kids on the black market in order to wear Brad's landing strip. And you know where she would wear that shit.

Here's a few more pictures from last night. Mona Robinson is going to be pissed when she finds out that St. Angie sent Maddox to steal her favorite sexy funeral outfit.

No, not these two twats. I'm talking about the hot bitch in this story. Whoever you are, come up and collect your prize: a taint slap from me and a hall-full bottle of Svedka (it was on sale!).

At HBO's Golden Globes party, some drunk bitch stumbled up to Brad Pitt and tried to hold the booze barf when she told him that he looked fugly in that BENJAMIN BUTTON'S shit! A source told This Is London, “Brad was enjoying a cocktail and chatting with friends at party when this woman, who was clearly drunk, approached him. She went on and on about how the aging make-up in The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button made him look ugly as a dog'.”

The source went on, “Brad listened politely and explained that the make-up was essential to telling the story properly. The woman finally piped down for a moment, then looked closely at Brad's face. She then said, And you should definitely shave that goatee because it looks just horrible', before marching off. Brad's buddies cracked up laughing.”

This drunk bitch is the voice of the people!!! She needs to be our next Speaker of the House, because she speaks the truth.....after a few Appletinis, Boilermakers and Kamikaze shots.

And can somebody tell Jennifer Aniston that she needs to get wasted more often at industry parties! Also let her know that I'm keeping her prize in my freezer. It's waiting.....

It was high school over again for Ryan Gaycrest last night. The popular kids are still rejecting his ass! Now, UsWeekly says Gaycrest and Saint Angie have had awkward moments on the red carpet before. In 2006 he asked her what she fed her kids for breakfast that morning. Angie Jo said "cereal." The next day Gaycrest called her "cold" on his radio show. Well, I guess she hasn't forgotten, because she's over his mini ass.

Last night, Gaycrest tried to have a conversation with Brad and Angie, but they weren't having it. Gaycrest flew down the platform stairs and screamed "Hi guys. Brad? Angelina?" while they were getting their pictures taken. Brad even turned around for a quick minute. Brangie's slaves stopped Gaycrest from getting any closer. When he realized he was getting rejected, he threw it over to Giuliana DePandaFace. Why did I think she was going to say, "Oooooh. Moded!"

This morning, Gaycrest talked about it on his show. He said, "I don't think Angelina thinks I'm that important. I don't think I'm top of mind for Brad and Angelina. I honestly don't believe they'd know who I was if I walked over there. Here's what I realized when I went down there. I realized quickly that it's against the rules to walk down onto the carpet from the platform."

In all fairness to Saint Angie and Brad, they probably didn't even see Gaycrest, because he's like the size of a Lego man. I'm sure it happens often to him at bars when he's trying to get ass. He has to jump high for bitches to see him. That's why he should always carry around a ladder, so this kind of embarrassing shit doesn't happen to him anymore.

Two amazing things happened last night during the Best Actress shit at the Golden Globes. The first was when a stoned ass Cameron Diaz fucked up Saint Angelina's name. I almost felt a little "like" in my no-heart for Cameron. ALMOST. I would've liked her fully if she said "Brangelina Jolie" or "Anist...Angelina Jolie."

The second amazing moment came when a blubbering Kate Winslet accepted her award for that movie about fighting in the suburbs while wearing old timey clothes. You know, I was wasted while watching this shit last night and now that I'm sober, her speech is a million times more annoying. Bitch is acting like she swam the Atlantic Ocean and then directly ran from New York to the Golden Globe stage. All breathless and shit. It's a damn Shiny Titty Award. Not an Oscar! Take a hit from Cameron's bong and mellow out. I wanted Marky Mark to turn the hose on her. Drama queen. However, I forgive her for all of that, because when she was calling out all the losers in her category, she said "Oh God! Who's the other one? Angelina!" HAHAHAHA! This is why God created Kate Winslet. The camera shot to Saint Angie who smiled and held her hands together in a very Disney villainess-like way. She was thinking, "The things I have planned for you, my pretty..." Brangelina showing up to awards shows and getting snubbed every time never gets old! The world will pay for this I'm sure!

Here's drama queen Kate Winslet (YAY!) and her husband last night. And also some pictures of Brad Pitt and "The Other One." The Other One should keep her hair down more often. It makes her look less like an elderly and malnourished praying mantis. And my abuelita had some sunglasses just like Brad Pitt's when she got her cataracts done, because she didn't like the shades they gave her ass. Of course, my abuelita wore them better.

I accidentally ran into the Critics Choice Awards on Vh1 last night at the perfect perfect time. It's like some supreme being (Maddox) touched my hand and softly guided me towards a moment they knew I could not miss.

The moment started with Ben Stiller announcing the winner for Best Actress. St. Angie Jo did not win. Surprisingly, the venue's support beams did not break, forcing the entire joint to crash into a pile of dust and rubble. Instead, it was a tie between Anne Hathaway for that movie about a piece of trash at a wedding and Meryl Streep for that movie about holy child touching. They were probably hoping for a Devil Wears Prada reunion, but that shit didn't happen, because Meryl Streep was a no-show. This might have been a blessing, because if she did show, this moment probably would have never happened!

During Anne Hathaway's frantic, frazzled, 8-year-old girl on meth speech, the camera kept panning to St. Angie's face... HER FACE! If looks could kill virgin angels, this would be it. I wish I could bottle her smugness and spray it on my face whenever I am not amused. It was a dazzling moment. I learned that wax figure gods can give cuntface! No wonder Anne Hathaway acted so cracked the fuck out. Angie kept giving her the "my shit don't stank, but yours does" look. Anne's insides were slowly rotting away from St. Angie's stares of DEATH! Or maybe Anne just mixed her Adderall and Ephedrasil. Probably the latter.

I really hope Anne wins at the Golden Globes this Sunday and that they install a StAngieCam to capture every single one of Angie Jo's smirks. It's fun when she loses!

Below is the clip from the moment that played in every Brangaloonie's nightmares last night. Oh and Anne, your gums are receding, because you're on speed or some shit! Smoke a bowl and relax.

You know where that award would look best? You must be one of Sylvia Browne's relatives, because I know you know what I'm thinking. You have the gift. Katherine HAGel can shove that thing down her throat. It will fit perfectly. It wouldn't make sense for her to shove it up her culo since she goes caca through her mouth. I know, such hate. Blame HAGel. She does that to me.

Anyway, some moronic morons voted 27 Dresses their "Favorite Comedy Movie" at the People's Choice Awards. The idiots who voted that shit to win are also the people that think you can get knocked up from swallowing. I've had conversations with these kind of people. They really think the spermies can swim down to their baby making parts. I can't...

Okay, 27 Dresses was not bad, anything starring HAGel should not get an award. That only fuels her ego! She's probably on the Grey's Anatomy set this morning toting that shit around like it's an Oscar! I just want to cover her up in bird seeds and grass and feed her to Fishsticks Paltrow!

I usually watch the People's Choice Awards every year, because it's a better sedative than Sleepytime Tea, but my Tivo couldn't handle it last night. It was busy making love to Damages, 13: Fear is Real, The Real World: Brooklyn and blah...blah.. blah.. After reading bout the PCA, it looks like I didn't miss much.

The winners were pretty predictable. Brangelina were voted the greatest living things. Of course, they think they are too good for that shit, so they didn't grace the peons with their presence. Click here to see all the winners.

Below I've thrown a bunch of pictures into one big toilet below. You can pick each one out and dissect them or you can just flush. Your choice. Dakota Fanning honestly look the best, because the MAC Cosmetics counter didn't vomit all over her face.

Oh, look. Brad Pitt loved his Benjamin Button old baby face make-up so much that he's decided to wear it everywhere! If that was only the truth. This definitely needs more tinkering by the Photoshop elves. I know, Brad is trying to be all "raw" and "real" on the cover of W Magazine, but he only looks "elderly" and "sleepy." I could take a canoe down one of his forehead canals. I mean, damn! I bet you St. Angie's vagina is like a 7-year-old's since it sucked out all of Brad's hotness and youth. Just feed Pepaw Pitt some Ensure through a straw and let's move on.

So....in the February issue of W, Brad is ooooooonce again dragging out this shit bitches have been talking about for fucking centuries. You can even read about this drama on the walls of the tombs of Egypt. But here I am continuing the fuckery, so I'll slap myself with a baby later.

Brad defended St. Angie when talking about how they got together while he was still married to Jennifer Aniston. He said, “We were still filming after Jen and I split up. Even then it doesn’t mean that there was some kind of dastardly affair. There wasn’t. I’m very proud of the way that it was handled. It was respectful."

Okay, he gets points for saying "dastardly affair." Not only does he looks like he was born in the late 1800s, but he talks like it too!

Now, he also defended Jennifer's infamous "uncool" comment. Brad said, "Jen is a sweetheart. I think she got dragged into that one, and then there’s a second round to all of that Angie versus Jen. It’s so created.” Um. They are the fucking creators! The interviewer didn't hide the word "uncool" in a cucumber sandwich and force feed it to Jen. She said it willingly! And by "sweetheart" he really means, "She exists, so every now and again I have to pat her on the head."

All of these three famewhores are in cahoots for some publicity . When does Jen have another movie coming out? Because that's when we're going to see her naked ass on the cover of a magazine in some kind of ferret pose with the quote, "It WAS a DASTARDLY affair!"

The only person I believe in all of this is Maddox. He tells the truth. I'm still waiting for his tell-all.

Anybody who calls themselves a Brangaloonie should punish themselves today by going to see Marley & Me, because they have failed one of their gods! They should have been protesting outside of movie theaters with help of (SPOILER ALERT) these posters! Because they didn't do that shit Benjamin Button got his ass beat by Jennifer Aniston and her dog friend. HA! Marley & Me was the #1 movie this weekend with around $37 million. So far it has made $51 million in just 4 days. Benjamin Button came in at #3 with $27 million and a total of $39 million. Somewhere in the world Jennifer Aniston is texting Maddox with: "Suk on dat!"

I decided to go see that Benjamin Button shit on Friday, but only for Tilda Swinton. I would work the streets in a crotchless bikini made out of salami for Tilda, so I dropped $12 to support her ass. I should have left after her part and snuck into Marley & Me, because that shit was way too long. It was 3 damn hours! When my tub of popcorn ran out after the second hour, I knew I was in trouble. The story sort of reminded me of Forrest Gump. But Forrest Gump without the delicious box of chocolates! Instead of chocolate we got an old creepy baby.

What surprised me the most about this weekend's box office is the fact that Tommy Girl's big gay Nazi movie made $21 million! Not 21 dollars, 21 million dollars! The fuck?! There must be a lot of whores out there who really hate themselves. That's the only reason I can think of on why a dumb bitch would spend their money on a 2-hour torture session. Either that or there's a ton of crazy aliens lovers out there.

The weekend box office from Dec. 26th to 28th looked like this:

1. Marley & Me - $37 million
2. Bedtime Stories - $28.1 million
3. The Curious Case Of Old Baby - $27 million
4. Valkyrie - $21.5 million
5. Yes Man - $16.4 million
6. Seven Pounds - $13.4 million
7. The Tale of Despereaux - $9.4 million
8. The Day The Earth Stood Still - $7.9 million
9. The Spirit - $6.5 million
10. Doubt - $5.7 million

Source

Brad Pitt looks like he was arrested for assault with a fugly pubestache. Honestly, it doesn't bother me as much as does other bitches. It gives me something to laugh at. But I wish it was longer and curled at the ends. I've always wanted to grow one of those. Do you have to take a curling iron to that shit every morning? Brad should consider getting one. Maddox would approve.

Brad's mug shot is on the cover of Rolling Stone, as you can see, and inside he talks about you know and you know. Let me just lay down the most interesting quotes from the interview. You can jump on over to Rolling Stone to read the whole thing, but it has a lot of words in it.

Brad on The New York Times story about Angie's manipulative ways:

"It sounded to me like the story made Angie out to be manipulative in some way. I get defensive. [They're] talking about not only the woman I love, but one of the people on this planet who I have the greatest respect for. I think she's as honorable as anyone I've ever met."

Brad on his favorite Angie Jo movie:

"Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Because you know ... six kids. Because I fell in love."

Brad on Maddox's internet skills:

"Our seven-year-old was searching the word 'weapons' on Google the other day and ended up on some white-supremacist site. I'm sure now we're on all kinds of watch lists."

Okay, Brad's comment about Mr. & Mrs. Smith was really uncool. I almost think that Jenny, Brad and Angie are all in this together to get more publicity, because they keep talking about it! Cue the crazies shouting, "The reporters keep asking about it!" Well, the phrase "no comment" exists for a fucking reason. All three of them are rolling around in the famewhore mud pen together. Besides, how could Gia not be his favorite Angie Jo movie? That shit is hot.

And I know what General Maddox is up to by googling "weapons." The child army is starting to arm themselves and they will soon take over. Slavery is near for all of us.

P.S. - It's called Net Nanny, Brad. Look into it. I should install that shit on my own computer, because I just looked at my internet history. If the God Warrior glanced at my history, she would scream, "Gargyles! Slagkicks! Dark-sided!"

VIA UsWeekly

Brad Pitt probably made some joke about mortals and St. Angelina Jolie cackled until her forehead vein popped. Don't worry, it heals in seconds. Or maybe Angie Jo turned around, looked at Brad's hotness in the poster behind her and then glanced at the stoned turtle in front of her with the hairy landing strip on his upper lip. Deity humor: I will never understand it.

Last night in Los Angeles was the premiere of "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" aka that movie Brad is going to get an Oscar nomination for because if he didn't, the Kodak Theater will crumble into dust and be snorted up by all the crackheads of Hollywood Blvd.

And thumbnail #8 and #9 below really need your attention. I'm pretty sure that St. Angie broke in two after bending so far over. Brad and his slaves had to put her back together in the back. It was all very embarrassing, but everybody who laughed at the situation has now earned a jet pass to HELL!