Brangelina

I know you're wondering to yourself how it's possible for the rain to fall on Willy Pitt's head since the heavens always open up and the sun's rays follow him wherever he goes. Brad was shooting a Japanese commercial in NYC and I guess they needed it to rain, so St. Angie probably put in a call to God. She asked him to tell the sun to quit that shit for a while, so Brad can make some money, because baby friends don't come cheap.

And I bet that when St. Angie visited the set, she mistook the sumo wrestler for an overgrown orphan baby and adopted him on the spot. So if you see Brad Pitt carrying around this sumo wrestler on his hip, you know the backstory.

WARNING: This may cause your eyeballs to roll our of their sockets, so hold them down as you read on.

Brangelina has left the townspeople of Oyster Bay, Long Island spellbound by their fantastical beauty. The holy family has invaded the town like a herd of mythical unicorns while St. Angie films a movie. Their presence has caused the town to practically shut down so everyone has a chance to marvel at the two pieces of spectacular art. Read these quotes and you'll know what I'm talking about. Again, hold your eyeballs and keep a barf bag close.

"When you talk to someone who has met them they're kind of glowing. People love saying they saw them. They feel something very special happened to them." - The Oyster Bay Town Supervisor

"They looked out of place because they were so beautiful. They looked like they were airbrushed when they were walking. I went up to Brad and asked if he needed help and he said, 'No thanks.' I was looking at him but I don't really remember it – it was like a dream." - Katherine Pastore, a manager at Stop & Shop

"She was in my aisle and everyone was kind of looking at her or going up to her. She looked great. She had on these leggings and sunglasses and signed a few autographs." - a local resident

That shit sounds like it was ripped from a Brangaloonie message board. It's not like they came into close contact with Rojo Caliente or anything. Really, contrary to popular belief, they can't bless you or heal all your ailments by touching you on the forehead. I'm surprised none of their hearts stopped beating from being exposed to that level of grace and exquisiteness.

The people of Oyster Bay should stay inside, because Brangelina's heavenly glow makes everyone FUCKING DUMB AND DELUSIONAL (example: read the quotes above again). Actually, Brangelina should have to stay inside, because they are a health hazard!

VIA People

Three wonders of the world, the Brangie holy family, Dunkin' Donuts and Niagara Falls, collided over the weekend and Earth managed to survive!!

While visiting the Canadian side of Niagara Falls, Brad, Maddox, Pax and his parents tried to camouflage their greatness by wearing Maid of the Mist ponchos, but it didn't work. Tourists went crazy. Some threw themselves into the falls, others just dropped dead and one crazy found the nearest zoo and fed herself to the polar bears. Brad and the boys tried to enjoy the falls, but it was kind of hard, because every time they got too close, the water started going up instead of down. The drops wanted to be closer to the deities.

Earlier in the day, Brad and the boys went to Dunkin' Donuts! How long before that Dunkin' Donuts goes on eBay since it's filled with holy oxygen now? Shit, a hardcore Brangaloonie would sell their babies (I'm talking to you, OctoMommy) just to own an Apple Fritter covered in Pitt saliva.

Didn't say St. Angie say she was going to go away for a while, so she could raise her child army, tutor Jesus in the subject of tolerance and save a planet or something? Well, apparently her break is going to wait a little while longer, because St. Angie has agreed to play Dr. Kay Scarpetta in the film version of Patricia Cornwell's best-selling book series.

I've never read Patricia's books, but that's what Wikipedia is for!

Dr. Kay Scarpetta was born in Miami, Florida. She is of Italian descent on both sides of her family, with the Scarpettas emigrating from Verona, Italy. She is blonde, and a sharp dresser, although always professional. In the early novels Scarpetta is the Chief Medical Examiner for the state of Virginia, and works in Richmond. She resigns after the events of The Last Precinct and relocates to Florida to become a private forensic consultant. Scarpetta returns to Virginia in Trace at the request of her replacement, Dr. Joel Marcus. In Predator, Scarpetta becomes the head of the National Forensic Academy in Hollywood, Florida, a private institution founded by her wealthy niece Lucy. In The Book of the Dead, Scarpetta has relocated as a freelance forensic examiner/expert to Charleston, South Carolina. In the most recent novel, Scarpetta, she has relocated to Massachusetts where she is an M.E but she and Benton also share an apartment in NYC.

St. Angie and the producers are currently meeting with writers. The movie won't be based on any specific novel, but they hope to turn it into a franchise.

Basically, it sounds like this movie is going to consist of St. Angie aiming a gun, pouting her lips, giving sexyface, shaking uncontrollably while screaming about whatever and taking long pauses while she squints her eyes all intense-like. Rinse and repeat.

Honestly, this sounds like some "V. I. Warshawski" shit. And nothing gets better than that masterpiece of a movie.

Last night, we all probably had the same nightmare: St. Angie and her holy family were sitting all alone in their huge mansion and they were STARVING. Ravenous! Pax was in the corner chewing on a baseboard, Maddox was nibbling on Shiloh's hair and Zahara was trying to kill mice with her eyes so they could roast 'em in the back on a BBQ made out of a trash can. Well, you can breath a huge sigh of relief, because UsWeekly has let it be known that the holy family went grocery shopping at Stop & Shop on Saturday!!!! Put down the phone to the Food Bank, they won't need to make a delivery to the Brangie house.

Seriously, this mess was the TOP STORY this morning. But I know why, because after I read it I actually thought for 2 seconds about what they bought. And when I read this quote from a peon, "They gave autographs and allowed people to take pictures of them inside...very nice," I wondered if they signed shit like melons or a big ham. Fuck, I would've made them sign a box of Summer's Eve and a pack of suppositories.

In order for me to close my eyes and fall into a deep sleep tonight, I need someone out there to tell me that all their bowel movements are regular. Oh wait, they don't go caca.

This week alone I've read that St. Angie and her slave man have broken up, that slave man is talking to the Susan Boyle of America again and that St. Angie is going to buy a baby friend from the Philippines. Well, today comes a rumor from Star Magazine that St. Angie Jo has another chosen one growing in her holy womb! Actually, this rumor might be a fact because Star put it in caps, italics and dropped an explanation point after that. If you ask KANYE WEST, that means it is a FACT!

A "family insider" said Angie Jo is about two months knocked up with baby number seven, "She's thrilled. She said she knew she was pregnant before the test confirmed it!" But she kept the news from Brad, only telling him when he returned from a trip to New Orleans at the end of March." Of course she knew. She knows everything. God probably called Angie on her personal line and said, "You know what time it is."

Brangie's new baby might be a Band-Aid chosen one, because the two were stating to hate each other. Basically. The source said, "They'd been trying for another baby for months, but it was still a total shock when she found out. Brad and Angie have been fighting so much lately, it just didn't seem possible. It happened just in time, because things were getting pretty ugly between them."

Blah! Blah! Blah! You know, I bet Shiloh is sitting in her ivory tower and bitching to her imaginary friend about this shit! There was a time when she was the only messiah and now there's going to be four of them! Chosen ones are a dime a fucking dozen nowadays!

And after hearing this news, OctoMommy immediately stuffed her mouth with dozens of IVF needles. Did I say mouth? I meant vagina.

At the Oscars last month, Angie Jo had a little conversation with Azharuddin Mohammed, one of the kids from Slumdog Millionaire, and he asked her if she was ever planning to adopt a baby from India. After he asked that question, he gave her a wink, nudged her a bit, handed her some legal looking papers, changed into an all-black tunic outfit and then jumped into his new carrier (aka Brad's arms), because now that he was part of the holy family he wouldn't need to use his legs anymore. Walking is optional.

Angie had to knock him out of Brad's arms and tell him that she only buys fresh flesh! And then she finally answered his question by saying, “Well, I’ll let you into a little secret, we will soon.” That's what The Sun claims anyway.

Angie really isn't going to fucking stop until she has perfectly recreated The Small World ride at Disneyland using real kids! Only then will she settle into her water boat and smugly smile to herself while looking at all the little lives she thinks she single-handedly saved.

The next time OctoMommy goes to get the mail from her box, she might find a check from fellow baby addict St. Angie Jo rather than a flaming shit-filled diaper with the words "TAKE YOUR CRAZY PUSSY ELSEWHERES" written all over it. That'll be a nice change.

Star Magazine says St. Angie is considering dropping a few thousand dollars into the greedy hands of OctoMommy. St. Angie knows what it feels like to swim through a river of newborn diarrhea on a daily basis, so she wants to help. Some source who may be suffering from a disease called Sofuckingdelusionalitis, said, "Angelina is worried about the best interests of the kids. As a mom of six, she knows how chaotic and costly raising a big family can be. She doesn't necessarily approve of Nadya, and she doesn't want to turn the situation into even more of a circus."

St. Angie knows a baby machine with a uterus made out of steel when she sees one, so that check is actually payment for OctoCrazy! St. Angie is going to import her to wherever the fuck her holy family is living, throw her into the basement, give her a box of IVF needles and allow the junkie to get her fix. 9 months later, St. Angie will slither down the stairs, grab her new bundle of BABIES!!!, throw another box at OctoCrazy and let the cycle repeat itself. Vadge is kicking herself in her roidy-crotch that she didn't think of this first.

OK! Magazine says that the chosen one and the robot one will soon have themselves a little "tea party." Stepford Katie came up with the idea when she ran into the holy ones at a Golden Globes party a while back. Tommy Girl is also into it, but you know he'd rather have a private teabag party with Brad.

Some source said that Katie also wants Suri to start hanging out with girls her age instead of creepy adults, but because of security reasons not just anyone can come over. The source went on to yap, "Katie loves entertaining and spoke to Angelina about having an at-home tea party with cupcakes for the girls. Katie told Angelina she just knew Suri and Shiloh are going to get along fantastically well."

The source also says Zahara is also invited, but you know that girl wants nothing to do with that crazy alien shit. Zahara already gave a big "NO THANKS" to the invite, because drinking barley water is not her idea of a good time.

And I doubt it's a tea party. Suri knows that Shiloh has snuck out of her ivory tower a few times before, so she's trying to get her help so she can finally make a break for it. Shiloh's going to bring over saucers with maps on the bottom of them and a tablecloth that doubles as a parachute.

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If one look could cut a bitch up, the whores in the crowd near Zahara are probably in need of some major medical assistance. What's the number to 911?! Don't even think of staring at her. Keep your eyes down and move the fuck along or it's going to go down.

Zahara is even killing me with her eyes through those sunglasses that probably cost more than two months of my rent. One look from Z could turn Ty Ty Banks' smilin' eyes into two quivering balls of fear. She is not the one.

Here's Billy Goat Pitt with Zahara and Shiloh doing their part to save the economy by buying some toys and shit in DC yesterday.