Uma Thurman

Uma Thurman is engaged to her rich bitch boyfriend Arpad "Arki" Busson. Wise move. You can never have too much money and Swiss money is even better. Don't ask me why Swiss money is better. It just is.

Uma's spokesbitch confirmed the engagement to People. A source also said that Arki dressed Uma's bony finger with an "8-plus carat center stone surrounded by 20 smaller stones." Another source told the NYDN the ring is so big that "she can't fit it through the sleeve of her coat." I think I just came.

This is Uma's second marriage. She has two kids with Ethan Hawke. Arki has two kids with Elle Macpherson. Apparently, he never married Elle, because she's been divorced and he's a strict Catholic. Uma's vagina must have the right moves.

Uma better book them a flight to Las Vegas right fucking now! Elope! She also better eat the damn prenup. Put some steak sauce on that bitch and swallow it whole.

Jack Jordan has been convicted of stalking Uma Thurman by a jury in NYC. Jack has been harassing Uma for the past 3 years. He has shown up to her house and movies sets. He's also sent her strange cards and letters. Uma's parents testified that Jack called them up in tearful, suicidal rants about their daughter.

Jack once sent Uma a drawing of an open grave, a headstone and a man standing on the edge of a razor blade. A spiral of random words referred to "chocolate, mouth, soft, kissing" and declared, "My hands should be on your body at all times." Hey, doesn't Hallmark carry that one?

He faces up to a year and 90 days in jail.

Jack's attorney said that he "fell in love" with Uma while watching a scene in "Kill Bill." He said, "He's trying to get to the woman he loves — although it's an obsession — in the hope that she will love him back. Jack Jordan is not charged with obsession. Obsession is not a crime."

Any man that carries a hiking backpack regularly cannot be trusted! Actually, he's sort of hot.....I'll stop!

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Last week, Ethan Hawke took part in the 24-Hour Plays in NYC. The show is a series of one-acts and during each play a performer will come out and entertain the audience with a quick song. One of the performers was Ethan Hawke. A writer from New York Magazine was there and said the audience was shocked when Ethan came out, but they were even more shocked with the song he chose to sing.

Ethan told everyone, "Someone I know wrote this song while shooting a movie in Paris during his divorce." Of course that someone was him and he was talking about his divorce to Uma Thurman. Ethan then broke into song where he called Uma a "big fat beast."

NY Magazine wrote:

He proceeded to sing a ditty that included lyrics about "not caring if [he] ever saw New York again," "the lawyers," and — most telling — "my wife." Uma! "My wife hates me," he sang, adding something about how she would call him a prick, how he longed to send for his children, tralalala singing stuff. We were intoxicated, both with beverages and with memories of Dead Poets Society. And then! "My wife is a big fat beast," he sang. We gasped, along with the rest of the audience. He called Uma fat! In public! Sheepishly, Hawke broke his musicianly stride: "Yeah, I was very upset at the time." And still is, we suspect.

That's pretty fucking funny, because didn't Ethan cheat on Uma with the nanny? The writer is right. The bitch is still upset. While Ethan was singing that song in a dark theater, I'm sure Uma was sucking champagne off her millionaire boyfriend's dick while riding in his private jet. Revenge is so sweet.

Ethan needs to take a good look at his crater face in the mirror and ask himself who the real beast is? I'd still hit it though. Well, he was so fucking hot in Reality Bites.

Here's some pics of Ethan and Uma during the happy days. She was never a big fat anything. Beast maybe, but definitely not fat.

These are the latest Louis Vuitton ads featuring Uma Thurman. She looks hot, but those purses are so ugly. Besides Paris Hilton, who the hell would carry those things?

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