I read this story about Drew Barrymore's new piece on UsWeekly and decided to glance at the comments. It seems that some think that Drew is the whore of Hollywood because she's fucked around with a few guys. I have this argument all the time on what constitutes a real big slut. From what I know, Drew isn't a member of the slut club. She's probably dated or effed a handful of dudes in the past year. That isn't slutty! That's kind of pilgrim-ish actually! So how do you know if you're a big whore? Well, let's walk away from Drew for a bit so that I can give you an example:
One time I went out on a blind date with some dude. Now before I even laid eyes on him, I decided I would do sex to him because I was feeling "needy" that night. So I finally met up with him and the dude was fugly with a capital F-U-G-L-Y. And he fucking smelled like cheese butter. You know when the sweat collects under the fat rolls and creates butter? That's what the bitch smelled like. He didn't even have a good personality. He barely talked and was really shy. Even though he was a damn troll with the personality of a lima bean, I never once considered not doing sexy times with him. I mean, I had to hold my nose while we were doing it, because he smelled so rancid.
Only after it was all said and jizzed did I sort of regret it, but then I just shrugged it off because I got mine. When you'll screw someone who makes you dry heave, that's when you pretty much know you are a big slut with no self-respect. Yay for sluts!
Okay, back to Drew, who is not a slut. UsWeekly says she's boinking Jason Segel from Forgetting Sarah Marshall and How I Met Your Mother. TMZ has a video of them singing "Rainbow Connection" during karaoke night at the Brass Monkey Bar in L.A. A source said, "Drew and Jason were obviously dating because they were kissing and touching each other throughout the night."
Another source said that Drew and Jason are pretty casual. They are just "friends with benefits." Wait. She has friends with benefits? SLUT! No, I'm joking.
Drew seems to have a type. She likes the dudes who giggle and cracks jokes while you're blowing them. Tom Green, The Mac Dude and Jason Segel all seem the type to break into stand up while fucking. So Jason and Drew make sense to me. And since we're talking about Jason Segel, a while ago Defamer posted a picture of what they said is his penis. Holler if you see it. I'm still looking for it, because I see no peen there.
And here's Drew doing her worst SamRo impression in L.A. the other day.
The other night Drew Barrymore was seen leaving some joint with Chace Crawford, but it looks like she was only using him to get to the real goods: Chuck Bass. Last night at the Kings of Leon concert after-party at Bowery Electric in NYC, Drew and Chuck Bass were caught tongue fucking each other's mouths. I know. I'm so romantic.
A source told UsWeekly that this is the second time they have made out in public. Shit. This means Drew is pregnant or she's officially Chuck Bass' beard. One of those.
I'm not completely sure if that's Drew and Chuck in the picture above. But I am sure that drunk dude in back of them is about to get even drunker.
I'm guessing that Chuck only stuck his tongue down Drew's mouth because he couldn't stand hearing her lisp anymore! Although, I bet it sounds cute when Drew says his last name. Wethwick. That is kind of cute.
UPDATE: A reader just sent me this shit about Drew and Chuck Bass: "I was standing outside Pourhouse smoking and they walked by me, arms around each other, and he was wearing leather pants and a PURPLE FANNY PACK!!!" That explains everything.
Image: Vanity Fair
When you find yourself fighting over The Mac Dude, it's time to roll up your genitals and call it a day. That's what Drew Barrymore and Kiki Dunst need to do. Some nosy ho told OK! Magazine that the two were bitchy towards each other backstage at SNL and also at the after-party. Drew used to do gross things with Justin Long and Kiki recently did nasty things with him. Kiki denies it but we know she's a lying sack of unsifted flour.
Drew was at SNL to watch her friend Pizza Face Diaz in one of the skits. Kiki was there to support her Spider-Man co-star James Franco, who hosted the show A source said: "Drew and Kirsten had a really awkward run-in. James had to deflect the situation by making a joke and walking away with Kirsten while Drew then fumed about it to Cameron." Did James make a joke about wanting to lick the foundation off of Zac Efron's taint, because that's not a joke.
At the after-party, the tension between Drew and Kiki was still there. The nosy ho said: "Both Drew and Kirsten were there. But Kirsten didn't want to be near her, so they stayed far away from each other the entire night."
Damn. These two are both boring ass faces. Stay away from each other? Doesn't Drew know that when you're in the same room as your ex-boyfriend's current eff buddy, you're supposed to call her a cunt and then pour a pitcher of beer over her head. That's standard practice.
Here's more of Kiki's uncooked flapjack face and Drew Barrymore on Saturday night. There were a few other scraggly celebrities there including Juno and Chace Crawford from "Gossip Girl." Drew ended up leaving with Chace. That's right, Drew. Forget your troubles with a little lesbionic action.
Star Magazine reports that Drew Barrymore and Justin Long have broken up. Drew's spokesbitch said, "I can confirm the split but have no other comment."
33-year-old Drew and the 30-year-old Mac Dude started dating in September 2007. For some reason, I thought they were together for years. I guess time seems to stretch out when you don't really give a fuck.
They probably broke up because even the Mac Dude couldn't get Drew the new iPhone. The new iPhone is ruining lives!!
Drew's intermission between boyfriends is never long, so she'll probably have a new dude in a couple of weeks. Any bets on who it might be? I'm going to go with Vince Vaughn. Or has she already hit that? I can never keep up with these Hollywood sluts.
Drew Barrymore gushed to Vogue Magazine about how happy she is with her Mac guy boyfriend.
Drew said, "My cheeks hurt, I'm so happy." Mac guy added, "She makes my cheeks hurt, too."
GROSS! I'm sorry, but I do not need to know about your ass-to-ass activities in the bedroom. I do not want to picture the cute little girl from E.T. all grown up and engaging in double-sided dildo action. Put some Prep H on your buttocks and shut up.
Drew Barrymore and her Mac boy love, Justin Long, gave the paps will a little kissy show outside of Mr. Chow last night. So sweet. It's probably sweet being lovey with Drew, because she has that lisp. Things just sound sweeter with a lisp, "I luth yooooo thooooo much." So sweet.
She's totally using him to get free Apple products. She must be in love, because she forgot to wear a bra with a white t-shirt. Actually, Drew likes showing off her saggy nips. Thaggy Nipths!
Cameron Diaz and Drew Barrymore's wax figures are so life-like! I almost thought it was them until I realized that they suddenly had way more personality and seemed much more interesting. Their wax figures are probably better actresses too. They also got Cameron's face all wrong. They needed to throw a pepperoni pizza with extra sauce on her mug.
Even their wax figures giggle like 5-year-old girls. Grow up Cameron and Drew wax figures!
Drew Barrymore and the Mac dude showed a little public displays of annoying on the red carpet last night for the premiere of "30 Days & 30 Nights" in Hollywood. Drew has kept her relationship with Justin Long on the down low for a while, but they seem to be getting serious. Drew is always in a relationship. Wait, she's the next one to get knocked up. I see the pregnant in her face.
Drew deserves love and Justin must be a strong man. Imagine hearing Drew Barrymore say "I love you" with that lisp every morning.