Drew Barrymore

What is there to say about Drew Barrymore's short bus outfits anymore? I surrender. Besides, it makes my soul smile picturing Punky Brewster and Dawn Wiener joining forces to pick out this fuckery for Drew. I guess if a shark hat on your head is the least ridiculous thing in your outfit, you are doing something right? Again, I surrender.

WAIT. HOLD UP. I wonder if MiserAlba asked Drew to wear that hat?! MiserAlba just won't quit! Shark awareness FAIL: Part II.

Here's more of Josie Grossy and the Mac Dude leaving a Marlins game in Miami yesterday.

Most of these pictures are tilted, because the pap fell over in shock after gazing his eyes upon the fuggery on Drew Barrymore's body! Who in the what in the where?! Homegirl looks like Grunge 90s Pillow Person. Is there such thing as a Clothestime outlet, because that's the only place I can think of where Drew got this fugsemble. Well, unless Donna Martin had a yard sale.

This is some shit I would've pulled in junior high school (laugh all you want!). I would've taken straps from an old backpack, glued them to an Ikea bed sheet, slipped it over torn jeans, put on my Docs and busted out the door thinking I looked like THE SHIT. When in fact I really just looked like shit.

Here's Drew single-handedly killing the 90s while out with The Mac Dude in Hollywood last night.

During the whole press tour for Grey Gardens, Drew Barrymore has been looking like the kind of bitch I want to enter into a drag queen lip-synch contest, so she can win me two drink tickets and a bag of Wet 'N Wild cosmetics. That's a positive thing. Seriously, Drew has been looking really hot and you know I don't pass around compliments the same way I pass around my ass.

At last night's L.A. premiere, Drew brought it again...almost. The Fuckerella hair, the Valley of the Dolls dress, it's all doing good things to me. That's until she smiled. Now, I don't like it when teefs look like giant gleaming white Chiclets, but I shouldn't want to drop her teefs into a baked potato either. That is some Parkay shit! Homegirl just needs a little Wite-Out and she'll be good to roll.

JOKES! Now if Fishsticks Paltrow was wearing that net, I'd mean it!

Even though she has a kitchen strainer over her face, Drew Barrymore still looked hot at the premiere of Grey Gardens last night in New York. Drew totally ransacked the costume closet to put this shit together, but she gets a lispy kiss for a job well done. However, I must say that I already conquered this look aaaaaages ago.

Let's travel back to Halloween a few years ago. For some reason (*cough*too much Ecstasy*cough*), I thought it was a hot idea to dress up in drag as a blonde dominatrix from the 20s. We went to several clubs that night and despite the fact that my peen passed out from being squeezed into tight panties, there weren't any major issues. Well, I shouldn't say ANY. My stupid ass bitch of a cousin decided to kill my thunder by ripping off my wig off while I was busting it to an old Crystal Waters song. Besides that, everything went according to plan until we got home.

They all went inside to pass out in their own vomit, but I stupidly stayed in the front yard to get some air hoping it would stop the drunk barfs from coming. Yeah, well "getting some air" lasted fucking hours, because I passed out with my face smashed into a chain link fence. I'm sure I looked just like the picture above! Well, except my wig was on the grass, cigarette ash was smeared on my face, one of my eyelashes was stuck on my nose and the putty I used to cover up my eyebrows had gotten in my eye. The chain link marks didn't go away for hours! My finest moment.

Here's more of Drew stealing my look with The Mac Dude, Jessica "What Happened To Your Old Face" Lange and Jeanne Tripplehorn.

Justin Long and Drew Barrymore might be two boring unsalted peas in a pod again. Life & Style says The Mac Dude and Lispy went out on two dates in Los Angeles this past week after breaking up almost 8 months ago.

One nosy ass whore spotted the two acting all cuddly-like at Bar Marmont this past Thursday, “They couldn’t get enough of each other. I don’t think they even noticed that there were other people in the room! In between kisses it was all smiles and laughs.”

And the next night, the microwaved pieces of jicama were rubbing each other over dead fish at Ike in Hollywood, "They sat at the sushi bar and ordered Sake and dinner. They were both in a great mood. They were smiling ear to ear the whole time, and laughing and looking they were so happy they were going to burst.”

The last time I checked in with Lispy, she was riding the Jason Segel pony. And Justin Long was bumping it with Ginnifer Goodwin. I think. Or maybe Drew was chomping on Ginnifer and Jason Segel was getting a little bit of The Long? And I'm sure Cameron Diaz and Kate Hudson fit in there somewhere. They always do.

These boring whores of Hollywood always leave me so confuseded. It's like one big steamed vegetable key party. In related news, I don't remember the last time I ate a vegetable that wasn't fried or covered in melted cheese or mayonnaise. There's no reason to be concerned, right?

W Magazine should have spent less time making Drew Barrymore's face look like it's made out of porcelain and sold on QVC, and more time Photoshopping some VO5 hot oil on her mop. If you want hair like Drew's, just visit a damn barn. Shit.

If Drew ever finds herself in the same room as Pony Parker, she shouldn't be surprised when Pony starts snacking on her straw nest.

No matter what, the Twilight crazies will fork over their allowance money (or cash from their menopause fund) to go and see the unicornies jump through the sparkly rainbows Robert Pattinson's magical forest. The producers already know that shit, so now they are trying to get non-Twilight-a-holics to drop down some coin by sprinkling in familiar names. I mean, that whore from 90210, Dakota Fanning and Vanessa Hudgens are all in talks or signed for the next movie. And now, another familiar bitch, Drew Barrymore, may direct the third film called Eclipse.

Drew just finished directing some shit called Whip It! starring Ellen Page. Entertainment Weekly says that Summit is talking to a small group of possible bitches to direct including Drew. Chris Weitz is directing the second movie, but he can't do the third since the release date on both movies are so close together. New Moon is out on November 20th of this year. Eclipse is scheduled for June 30, 2010.

Can Drew direct? Who knows? Who cares? Who shot JR? At this point, Fidel Castro could direct, Ann Coulter could co-star and it would still be the top whore at the box office. All you need is Robert Pattinson and a handful of glitter.

It's hard to keep up with Drew Barrywhore. First, bitch was CLT+AL+Fucking on the Mac Dude, then she moved on to one of the maybe-gays of Gossip Girl, and then she was linked to Jason Segel. I might have missed a dude or twenty. Homelips has got more miles on her vag than my mom's old 1988 Nissan Stanza.

Well, now Page Six thinks Drew is getting on Divine Brown's ex-lover, Hugh Grant. On Monday night, Drew was at the Waverly Inn (which is like a restaurant and not an old timey hotel) in NYC when Hugh strolled in. Some witness said, "She squealed and jumped in his arms. The two then made out."

Oh, that's how the hippie child of the sunflowers does it. You know those type. When they greet you, their lips start aiming for yours. You either hold in your vomit and let them do it or you tell them you have mono....and the herp.....and the bird flu... and the consumption.

Drew just greets all her co-stars with the tongue! You should fucking see how she says "Hi" to E.T.! That alien bitch has to phone the free clinic after that shit.

Image: Bauer Griffin (and it's an old pic from 2007 on the set of that shit show they did together)

It's fucking 1993 again for Drew Barrymore, because the bitch got her tongue pierced a few months ago. Drew talked about it while whoring herself for that movie about whiny cat ladies or something. Drew said that after she had it done, she lost a bunch of weight.

Drew said, "They do it and you're like, 'Oh my God, why would I ever think twice about not doing this; this didn't hurt at all.' And then the guy was like, 'What I didn't tell you is that for, like, two weeks, it's just going to be a little uncomfortable. I couldn't eat, couldn't drink for two weeks - great diet in a weird way. I got it and then I've been single ever since... I did it for myself. I always wanted to get one."

Drew must have given that quote through sign language, because I don't know how the interviewer could understand her ass. I mean, the bitch already has a lisp like a flamer with a peen in his mouth (i.e. me), so I can only imagine what she sounds like with a piercing. Every time she opens her mouth to talk, it's probably a "give me the news, not the weather" moment. Just lisp spit fucking everywhere! A straight-up saliva shower.

Anyway, the pierced tongue diet sounds like something that could take Hollywood by storm. But someone should persuade all those celebwhores to take it to the next level. The pierced tongue diet will keep those whores off food for only 2 weeks, but if they pierce their top lips and bottom lips together, they won't ever eat again. And they won't talk either! This is a win/win for everybody!

Source: Showbiz Spy

I read this story about Drew Barrymore's new piece on UsWeekly and decided to glance at the comments. It seems that some think that Drew is the whore of Hollywood because she's fucked around with a few guys. I have this argument all the time on what constitutes a real big slut. From what I know, Drew isn't a member of the slut club. She's probably dated or effed a handful of dudes in the past year. That isn't slutty! That's kind of pilgrim-ish actually! So how do you know if you're a big whore? Well, let's walk away from Drew for a bit so that I can give you an example:

One time I went out on a blind date with some dude. Now before I even laid eyes on him, I decided I would do sex to him because I was feeling "needy" that night. So I finally met up with him and the dude was fugly with a capital F-U-G-L-Y. And he fucking smelled like cheese butter. You know when the sweat collects under the fat rolls and creates butter? That's what the bitch smelled like. He didn't even have a good personality. He barely talked and was really shy. Even though he was a damn troll with the personality of a lima bean, I never once considered not doing sexy times with him. I mean, I had to hold my nose while we were doing it, because he smelled so rancid.

Only after it was all said and jizzed did I sort of regret it, but then I just shrugged it off because I got mine. When you'll screw someone who makes you dry heave, that's when you pretty much know you are a big slut with no self-respect. Yay for sluts!

Okay, back to Drew, who is not a slut. UsWeekly says she's boinking Jason Segel from Forgetting Sarah Marshall and How I Met Your Mother. TMZ has a video of them singing "Rainbow Connection" during karaoke night at the Brass Monkey Bar in L.A. A source said, "Drew and Jason were obviously dating because they were kissing and touching each other throughout the night."

Another source said that Drew and Jason are pretty casual. They are just "friends with benefits." Wait. She has friends with benefits? SLUT! No, I'm joking.

Drew seems to have a type. She likes the dudes who giggle and cracks jokes while you're blowing them. Tom Green, The Mac Dude and Jason Segel all seem the type to break into stand up while fucking. So Jason and Drew make sense to me. And since we're talking about Jason Segel, a while ago Defamer posted a picture of what they said is his penis. Holler if you see it. I'm still looking for it, because I see no peen there.

And here's Drew doing her worst SamRo impression in L.A. the other day.