Avril Lavigne

In news you could smell (an intense odor of maple syrup covered condoms and irrelevancy) from ten thousand miles away, Avril Lavigne has filed for divorce from her husband of 3 years Deryck Whibley. Avril named "irreconcilable differences" as the reason why their marriage is now just a cold lump in the litter box. In the world of Avril, I'm pretty sure "irreconcilable differences" means that she loves the bottle more than she loves Deryck. Understandable.

According to Radar, Avril isn't asking for a monthly check from Deryck, but she also doesn't want to give him one either. Avril says that September 4th was the day she stopped dying Deryck's dick bush with Manic Panic.

It seems that Avril has already found a new dick to keep her Emily the Strange lunchbox warm at night. Star Magazine (via Celebitchy) says that Avril has been living in Hawaii with the heir to a canned pineapple empire. Some source said that Avril is getting dicked by Dole Food Company billionaire Justin Murdock. The source added, “Avril and Justin have been to Hawaii together but mostly they’ve been holed up at his place."

Let me get this straight, Avril is fucking on a billionaire who probably devours pineapple by the pound? You know what they say about bitches who eat pineapple! So, not only does the dude fart money, but he also has Penis Colada on tap. Dude is way too good for the punk fart princess.

Last month, it was reported that the punk fart princesses' marriage to Sonic the Douchehog was headed for the gutter, because he just couldn't take her being a drunken skank anymore. Well, UsWeekly says that Avril Lavigne has pink slipped (not in a sexy way either) Deryck Whibley and evicted him from their mansion in Bel Air. Queef like you care.

A source said that Avril will drop divorce papers in Deryck's lap any day now, "She dumped him and told him she was leaving him. She wants to move on. Divorce papers will be filed any day now."

29-year-old Deryck and 25-year-old Avril made it legal around 3 years ago.

I don't blame Avril. Having a pesky ring on your finger gets in the way of passing the pussay to every booze bottle and dick around town. Just replace that wedding ring with a clit ring and she's good to go!

And now I must file for divorce from the short bus anthem "SK8R Boi." Every time I see Avril's male syrupy face, that stupid ass song fucks me in the brains repeatedly....without protection.

Avril Lavigne hasn't really been in the spotlight for a while, because she's been busy scuba diving in a Jack Daniels bottle. Or maybe people just can't be bothered to lift their heads to see what she's been up to. I don't know. But I do know that Gatecrasher is saying that the rumors about her 3-year-old marriage to Deryck Whibley being in the shit hole are true. Avril and Deryck haven't been photographed together since last year and sources are saying it's because he doesn't approve of her drunken slutty ways.

This past weekend, Avril was spotted in Southampton partying with anybody with a peen. When a few paps got pictures of her with other dudes, Avril demanded that they delete that shit so there wouldn't be any evidence. Earlier in the summer, Avril was in St. Tropez without her husband and bitches were saying that she was acting like she wasn't married.

Oh, poor Deryck. Dude already looks like a bulldog's ass after getting penetrated with a taser gun, so I'm sure he looks extra grisly when he gets the sads. Deryck should definitely drop The Big D on Avril and present this evidence to the divorce judge:

That's Avril with Brandon "Greasy Bear" Davis. GUILTY!!!!!!! The judge will immediately grant the divorce and give EVERYTHING to Deryck.

Images: Wenn.com, INFDaily

Last night was the premiere of Ashton Kutcher's show prank show "Pop Fiction." The show takes annoying celebrities and helps them pull pranks on the media and paparazzi. As you know, the whole Paris Hilton sucking Shaman dick proved to be a prank.

Avril Lavigne also pulled her own prank. She put on a fake baby bump and went shopping for baby clothes on Robertson. I covered it here and so the dumb bitch got me. You win Avril. You are so sneaky. Not only do you have the voice of an angel, but you are a prankster among pranksters.

The show was somewhat entertaining, but it also proved to me why I rip on these celebrities. They are annoying, delusional and they think they are shit. When Avril was pulling the prank she said something about how it was going to be everywhere like bitch is important. The rumor was already there, so it kind of defeated the purpose. At the end of the day, Avril is still annoying.

The show has promise, but I have a feeling Paris and Avril are probably the biggest stars Ashton could get. I'm expecting pranks featuring illustrious A-listers like Brandon Davis, some bitch on American Idol and Paula Abdul's dealer.

And I also think most of us take all these rumors with a grain of salt. It's entertainment to us and we could really give a fuck. Who am I fooling? I wake up in sweats wondering if Avril Lavigne is really pregnant or not.

I'm hoping Rumer Willis' entire existence is a prank part of Pop Fiction.

Click here and here to see Avril's prank if you care

Avril Lavigne has already denied she's knocked up. Being pregnant is so not faux punk rock. However, she was out baby shopping with her dude yesterday. I know that doesn't mean shit. I hate when people make up pregnancy rumors just because someone is buying a damn rattle at fancy ass baby store or wherever the hell they shop. Avril was hiding her stomach with her bag though.

There could be an explanation for that. She probably just pissed her pants. That makes sense. I knew she had a little Fergie in her.

Wenn

Avril Lavigne has trademarked her name for bath products and crap. This means a fragrance might not be far away. P-Fucking-U! She filed a trademark last month with the United States Patent and Trademark Office for exclusive rights to her name regarding fragrances, aftershave, bath soap, body lotion and talc.

Avril's perfume will probably smell like something that might be something that probably is that, but is something else. Basically a mixture of douche water, burnt eyeliner, Manic Panic hair dye and maple syrup.

Source

Can we please hijack a Starbucks in Hollywood and spike the frapps with birth control bills? This has got to stop. Canadian blog IsThisHappening reports that the "motherfucking princess" Avril Lavigne has a bun in the oven. 23-year-old Avril is reportedly 6 weeks pregnant. Her husband, Deryck Whibley, has been telling friends that he's excited to be a daddy.

Oh Jesus, Eh! I'm losing track on who is and who isn't pregnant. I'll add Avril to the list of "rumored" knocked up chicks along with Pammy Anderson and Angelina Jolie. Seriously, Hollywood is going to be so annoying in 18 years. All these spoiled kids running around acting the fool. That means nothing's going to change!

UPDATE: Avril's spokeswhore has denied this shit. "It's not true."

While we're waiting to see if Britney gets her kids back (I'm guessing it's a big fat NO) here's a little Avril Lavigne for some background music. It's the newest video for her single "Hot." Avril needs to drop the sexy and just stick with her same shtick. She also can't dance worth a hell. That microphone stand has better moves than her.

VIA ONTD