Brangelina

And here's St. Angie giving us FACE! FACE! FACE! FACE! on the poster for her new movie about the dark-sided life of the Morton Salt Girl (I wish).

Instead of spending their time trying to figure out how to put the word "salt" on this shit as many times as possible, the poster makers could've just moved her face over a little to the right. It's making me twitch.

And I also just want to take a dash of salt and sprinkle it all over her slug lips.

Source: JoBlo via Best Week Ever

St. Angie and Billy Goat Brad are joo-ree designers now. The two are putting out a collection of snake joo-ree through Asprey called "The Protector." WWD reports that they have been working on this shit for a year and it will be available at Asprey stores this week. Prices start at $525 and all proceeds will go to Education Partnership for Children of Conflict.

The snake design is based on St. Angie's slithery clitoris which has been known to strike at the ballsacks of mere mortal men. That is the official description from Asprey.

The collection features black diamond rings, diamond bracelets, an egg cup, a baby spoon and a tooth box. If you prefer cocaine instead of babies, the spoon, cup and box will also be of use to you. And don't worry, the diamonds are conflict-free, because they were made using the tears of angels and God's saliva.

Oh, and Lucius Malfoy has a question. He wants to know if they plan on making a cock-ring version in the near future?

St. Angie Jo and Billy Goat Brad floated down from their majestic crystal cathedral in the heavens to attend MOCA's 30th Anniversary Gala in Los Angeles last night. Maddox didn't go, because if he wants to look at art, he'll just glance into the mirror. Speaking of....

I have a valid question. Did St. Angie and Brad look at the art? Or did the art look at them? You know there's a Brangaloonie screaming about how lucky those paintings are to be in the presence of such holy greatness. If only one of the bitches in those paintings had the balls to tell Brad that a skanky rat wouldn't even chew on his scraggly chin foliage. If Brad insists on wearing Janis Joplin's pubic bush on his face, he could at least take a VO5 hot oil treatment (and a comb) to that mess.

Make sure to avert your eyes when you get to the checkout counter at the grocery store this week unless you're okay with being violated by a St. Angie ORGY! It must be "Shit On St. Angie Week," because she is on the cover of almost all the tabloids this week. Was Balloon Boy or the Gosselins' gardener not available for interviews? DAMN. To quote the wisest woman on reality TV, Zoila from Flipping Out: "YOU CRAZY JEFF!"

Anytheywillallgotohellforthis, let's see what the tabloids have to say:

UsWeekly says that Angie still hates Jen (and vice versa): If you replaced Angie with Alexis Carrington and Aniston with Krystle Carrington, I would've bought hundreds of copies of this shit. Seriously, Aniston & Angie will never be the Alexis & Krystle of this generation! I don't see them fighting in fountains and slapping each other with their Nolan Miller clutch bags.

OK! says that Angie is adopting a baby without Brad: St. Angie has already picked out a baby friend from Syria, but Brad does not want a different flavor of baby barf landing on his beard. Brad is telling friends that he's not ready for child #2,345,745. Brad can't St. Angie from putting together the most powerful child army on the planet, because she's going to GIT THAT BABEH without him.

The National Enquirer says that Angie fell down because she weighs less than a fetus: Ding! Ding! Ding! I think we found the new spokesperson for Life Alert! According to the Enquirer, St. Angie is 5'7" and weighs in at 104lbs. After St. Angie collapsed, Brad is worried and wants her to get some help to deal with her "emotional demons." And I think Brad needs to get help for using the phrase "emotional demons." Let's not make that the new over the moon. NO.

Life & Style says that Angie is faker than a porn star's orgasm: Let me quote Jennifer Aniston's thoughts on this one: DUH.

Star Magazine says that Angie still hates Jen (and vice versa): See UsWeekly.

Johnny Depp is currently in talks to star opposite St. Angie in The Tourist. Variety (via Coming Soon) is saying that Sam Worthington was supposed to pucker up to Angie Jo on screen, but he has dropped out over "creative differences." Basically, Sam couldn't come up with a creative way to make his ass more famous, so the producers decided to go with Depp instead.

In the movie, Johnny will play an American tourist "drawn into a web of intrigue by a female Interpol agent (Jolie) who is attempting to locate a criminal who was once her lover."

The Tourist has already seen a shit load of changes. Tommy Girl was originally attached to the title role for a while. When he bounced, Charlize Theron came in. When Charlize quit that bitch, St. Angie jumped on. Alfonso Cuaron is also in talks to take over directing duties from Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck. CONFUSING.

While I'm sure many bitches must be cooking massive amounts of panty pudding over this union, I bet you Vanessa Paradis is not one of those hos.

St. Angie's vagina must be itching to strike again and Johnny Depp is THAT BITCH. If I was Vanessa, I'd shove Johnny's peen in my gap and keep it there for the entire length of the shoot. Let the writers figure out a way to explain that shit, because I would not let that wang out of my sight.

So, here's the first trailer for St. Angie's brand new movie called The Wanted Bourne Fugitive's Alias (Salt for short). It looks like your basic St. Angie action movie: equal parts pouting, rolling, shifty eyes, gun-toting and titty flashing. Salt needs more salt.

The trailer is in Russian which makes it a little more entertaining. It also confirms that this movie should have starred Boris & Natasha instead.

Way before St. Angie was healing the world with her divine vagina and sucking the youth out of Brad Pitt, she had a "phone fling" with none other than Rosie O'Donnell. Once you've talked your genitals off of the ledge, read on......

On Howard Stern's show (via Popeater) the other day, Rosie O not only confirmed that she's no longer munching on Kelli Carpenter's carpet, but she also briefly talked about the phone time she spent with St. Angie. Rosie said, "We talked on the phone two or three times, but that was that. There was a tentative plan to have dinner that never came through. I was a little afraid of her. She's scary in a sexual kind of way."

What a missed opportunity for all of us. To think, we could have had Rosielina instead of Brangelina. Which means instead of crazed Brangaloonies terrorizing our lives, we would be dodging flannel-wearing, saw dust-farting Rosielinaloonies. And honestly, I'd rather be bitched out by a big butchie with a flat top. It kind of gives me the tingles, actually.

And for those you saying that St. Angie would never lick on Rosie's ham muffin, might I remind you of an elderly turtle named Billy Bob Thornton?

Lately it seems that some of the paparazzi are getting a little excited and running into celebrities' cars. It happened to Nicole Richie, the Jackson kids and now Billy Goat Brad Pitt. TMZ says that Brad was on his motorcycle and stopped at a red light when a pap's car decided it wanted to do butt sex with him. Brad's bike wasn't feeling it, so it hit the car in front of it and then fell over taking Brad with it. In non-gutter talk, a pap rear-ended Brad's bike causing him to hit the car in front of him before he fell over.

Brad got up, dusted himself off, pulled his bike up and then ran into a nearby apartment building where he called someone to pick him up. Seconds later, the child army (led by Maddox) parachuted in, grabbed Brad and then busted out of there while action music played in the background. No, one of Brad's slaves showed up, and took him home.

Don't worry, not even one pubic hair on his chin muff was harmed.

UPDATE: TMZ is now saying that nobody else was involved in the lil' accident. A pap's car didn't do anal with Brad's bike. According to some witness, Brad tried to get between a parked car and a car stopped at a ride light. As he was trying to get by, his handlebars clipped the car and he lost control. Before he knew it, he was on the ground with his bike. His body isn't bruised, but his ego is. You know when St. Angie heard about this shit, she queefed, "Fucking amateur."

Spending time with my bong while watching Sandra Lee make recipes out of Rice-A-Roni packets and Steak-Ums is one of my favorite things to do. However, don't make that shit unless you want your guests to clog up your toilet with their own vomit or have you committed. This is why I'm throwing Sandra a "Have You Been Mixing Your Vodka With Lighter Fluid Again?" side-eye for saying that St. Angie made one of her recipes.

Sandra told People, "I was really surprised when her friend let me know she made my No Bake birthday cake. She's a Semi-Homemade mommy just like the rest of us! She's a very busy, overextended mother. I'm very proud not just that she made my cake but that someone of her stature isn't delegating these [tasks], like her children's birthday, to other people. I'm glad she loves the show and that the kids apparently also watch it too."

SANDRA STOP! Sandra probably had too many "Aqworium-tinis" when she was talking to her friend. Her friend actually said, "My friend Gina Jolly thinks you're working with a broken oven." And of course, drunk ass Sandra heard, "My friend Angelina Jolie makes your no bake cake." Besides, St. Angie uses her hands to heal the world, not to make birthday cakes. That's what the child army is for. They are all trained short order line cooks.

And no Sandra Lee post would be complete without another WTF-recipe from her. I can't:

Obviously, we all need to do peyote with Sandra so that we can try to see what she sees.

St. Angie is the Gumby of Hollywood, because she is constantly stretching herself as an actress. Take that with a silo of sarcasm. Variety reports that St. Angie is in talks with director Ridley Scott to play an Italian "femme fatale" in GUCCI. When I think of "femme fatale," I immediately think of Maya Rudolph as Donatella Versace, but I guess she's busy.

The movie will follow Maurizio Gucci, the grandson of founder Guccio Gucci, as he struggles to the run the family business in the 1970s and 1980s. Maurizio was murdered outside of his Milan apartment in 1995. If St. Angie takes the role, she will play Maurizio's ex-wife Patrizia Reggiano (no relation to the cheese, I think). Patrizia was sent to prison for being the puppetmaster behind her husband's murder.

Ridley has his eye on Leonardo DiCaprio for the role of Maurizio.

On her tax forms, Angie Jo lists "saint and femme fatale" as her occupation, so I'm sure she won't have any trouble with this role. However, my ears are worried about her Italian accent. I mean, Angie's tried to do that before and it was PAINFUL. Before watching this clip, clear the room of anything remotely Italian or it will turn to dust.

Hopefully, Dante himself will travel down from heaven and personally tutor St. Angie.