Brangelina

Johnny Depp is currently in talks to star opposite St. Angie in The Tourist. Variety (via Coming Soon) is saying that Sam Worthington was supposed to pucker up to Angie Jo on screen, but he has dropped out over "creative differences." Basically, Sam couldn't come up with a creative way to make his ass more famous, so the producers decided to go with Depp instead.

In the movie, Johnny will play an American tourist "drawn into a web of intrigue by a female Interpol agent (Jolie) who is attempting to locate a criminal who was once her lover."

The Tourist has already seen a shit load of changes. Tommy Girl was originally attached to the title role for a while. When he bounced, Charlize Theron came in. When Charlize quit that bitch, St. Angie jumped on. Alfonso Cuaron is also in talks to take over directing duties from Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck. CONFUSING.

While I'm sure many bitches must be cooking massive amounts of panty pudding over this union, I bet you Vanessa Paradis is not one of those hos.

St. Angie's vagina must be itching to strike again and Johnny Depp is THAT BITCH. If I was Vanessa, I'd shove Johnny's peen in my gap and keep it there for the entire length of the shoot. Let the writers figure out a way to explain that shit, because I would not let that wang out of my sight.

So, here's the first trailer for St. Angie's brand new movie called The Wanted Bourne Fugitive's Alias (Salt for short). It looks like your basic St. Angie action movie: equal parts pouting, rolling, shifty eyes, gun-toting and titty flashing. Salt needs more salt.

The trailer is in Russian which makes it a little more entertaining. It also confirms that this movie should have starred Boris & Natasha instead.

Way before St. Angie was healing the world with her divine vagina and sucking the youth out of Brad Pitt, she had a "phone fling" with none other than Rosie O'Donnell. Once you've talked your genitals off of the ledge, read on......

On Howard Stern's show (via Popeater) the other day, Rosie O not only confirmed that she's no longer munching on Kelli Carpenter's carpet, but she also briefly talked about the phone time she spent with St. Angie. Rosie said, "We talked on the phone two or three times, but that was that. There was a tentative plan to have dinner that never came through. I was a little afraid of her. She's scary in a sexual kind of way."

What a missed opportunity for all of us. To think, we could have had Rosielina instead of Brangelina. Which means instead of crazed Brangaloonies terrorizing our lives, we would be dodging flannel-wearing, saw dust-farting Rosielinaloonies. And honestly, I'd rather be bitched out by a big butchie with a flat top. It kind of gives me the tingles, actually.

And for those you saying that St. Angie would never lick on Rosie's ham muffin, might I remind you of an elderly turtle named Billy Bob Thornton?

Lately it seems that some of the paparazzi are getting a little excited and running into celebrities' cars. It happened to Nicole Richie, the Jackson kids and now Billy Goat Brad Pitt. TMZ says that Brad was on his motorcycle and stopped at a red light when a pap's car decided it wanted to do butt sex with him. Brad's bike wasn't feeling it, so it hit the car in front of it and then fell over taking Brad with it. In non-gutter talk, a pap rear-ended Brad's bike causing him to hit the car in front of him before he fell over.

Brad got up, dusted himself off, pulled his bike up and then ran into a nearby apartment building where he called someone to pick him up. Seconds later, the child army (led by Maddox) parachuted in, grabbed Brad and then busted out of there while action music played in the background. No, one of Brad's slaves showed up, and took him home.

Don't worry, not even one pubic hair on his chin muff was harmed.

UPDATE: TMZ is now saying that nobody else was involved in the lil' accident. A pap's car didn't do anal with Brad's bike. According to some witness, Brad tried to get between a parked car and a car stopped at a ride light. As he was trying to get by, his handlebars clipped the car and he lost control. Before he knew it, he was on the ground with his bike. His body isn't bruised, but his ego is. You know when St. Angie heard about this shit, she queefed, "Fucking amateur."

Spending time with my bong while watching Sandra Lee make recipes out of Rice-A-Roni packets and Steak-Ums is one of my favorite things to do. However, don't make that shit unless you want your guests to clog up your toilet with their own vomit or have you committed. This is why I'm throwing Sandra a "Have You Been Mixing Your Vodka With Lighter Fluid Again?" side-eye for saying that St. Angie made one of her recipes.

Sandra told People, "I was really surprised when her friend let me know she made my No Bake birthday cake. She's a Semi-Homemade mommy just like the rest of us! She's a very busy, overextended mother. I'm very proud not just that she made my cake but that someone of her stature isn't delegating these [tasks], like her children's birthday, to other people. I'm glad she loves the show and that the kids apparently also watch it too."

SANDRA STOP! Sandra probably had too many "Aqworium-tinis" when she was talking to her friend. Her friend actually said, "My friend Gina Jolly thinks you're working with a broken oven." And of course, drunk ass Sandra heard, "My friend Angelina Jolie makes your no bake cake." Besides, St. Angie uses her hands to heal the world, not to make birthday cakes. That's what the child army is for. They are all trained short order line cooks.

And no Sandra Lee post would be complete without another WTF-recipe from her. I can't:

Obviously, we all need to do peyote with Sandra so that we can try to see what she sees.

St. Angie is the Gumby of Hollywood, because she is constantly stretching herself as an actress. Take that with a silo of sarcasm. Variety reports that St. Angie is in talks with director Ridley Scott to play an Italian "femme fatale" in GUCCI. When I think of "femme fatale," I immediately think of Maya Rudolph as Donatella Versace, but I guess she's busy.

The movie will follow Maurizio Gucci, the grandson of founder Guccio Gucci, as he struggles to the run the family business in the 1970s and 1980s. Maurizio was murdered outside of his Milan apartment in 1995. If St. Angie takes the role, she will play Maurizio's ex-wife Patrizia Reggiano (no relation to the cheese, I think). Patrizia was sent to prison for being the puppetmaster behind her husband's murder.

Ridley has his eye on Leonardo DiCaprio for the role of Maurizio.

On her tax forms, Angie Jo lists "saint and femme fatale" as her occupation, so I'm sure she won't have any trouble with this role. However, my ears are worried about her Italian accent. I mean, Angie's tried to do that before and it was PAINFUL. Before watching this clip, clear the room of anything remotely Italian or it will turn to dust.

Hopefully, Dante himself will travel down from heaven and personally tutor St. Angie.

Charlize Theron has quit the movie The Tourist for whatever reason, and now St. Angie is in talks to take her place. Sam Worthington, the hot piece from Terminator: Salvation, has already signed on to play the dude lead.

The Tourist is an American remake of the French movie about some tourist-type who goes undercover to trap her ex-lovah who might be some kind of criminal mastermind. Blah. Blah. Blah.

Yes, so this is another movie that will be 90-minutes of St. Angie shooting, puckering, shooting, puckering, shooting, puckering, etc.. etc... I'm sure they'll throw in a scene of St. Angie getting out of the tub while throwing a side-eye. St. Angie puts the "ill" in thriller.

If you can't wait for this shit to come out, just pop in Wanted into your DVD player, put it on "French Dubs," and there you go! The same damn thing.

If you opened up a "Secret Meeting Motel," you would make serious coin just from Brad Pitt alone! Dude is always off having these secret meetings with Jennifer Aniston. We've all got news for you, Brad! Your secret meetings ain't so fucking secret, because we're all reading about them. Anyways...

Grazia Magazine (via The Daily Mail) says that Billy Goat Brad and his ex-wife had another "SECRET MEETING (DUN DUN DUN)" in NYC recently. Apparently, Brad asked Jen to come to his suite at the Essex Hotel, because he wanted to talk her about his relationship with St. Angie. Jen agreed to come, because Brad promised that he'd wear a tuxedo and they would reenact their wedding. Brad even threw in a wedding cake and said Maddox would act as her fake maid of honor. Jen couldn't turn it down.

The source said, "She arrived at his hotel suite a matter of hours after they had spoken. Brad was unloading his emotional baggage on Jen, which isn't exactly fair considering their history. She was quick to tell him she wanted no part in his break-up with Angelina."

Brad told Jen that he was planning to leave the saint of all saints and move to Berlin, because he loves the city's architecture so much. Strangely enough, a lightning bolt didn't strike him down. Instead, Jen told Brad that he had to figure that shit out on his own. Then she brought out her Reborn Baby Doll and made Brad rock it to sleep.

Back to the whole "secret meeting" thing. Does Jen get to wear a trench coat and hide behind potted plants in the hotel lobby? Because that sounds kind of hot. Maybe we should all have "secret meetings." Cut to Det. La Toya rolling her eyes while saying, "WELCOME TO MY LIFE!"

No, Billy Goat Brad and St. Angie have not adopted Brit Brit's Cheetolings. This is a picture of the TWIN MESSIAHS! Since you're already on your knees (I know how you multi-task), drop that penis and worship them!

The Twin Messiahs (citizen names: Knox and Vivienne) crawled off of their gold thrones yesterday to join their parents for some ice cream at Licky Licious in Amman, Jordan. The Brangie holy family are in the Middle East to visit with Iraqi refugees and discuss their situation with the president of Syria.

The person who took this picture said Brad nibbled on pecan and caramel ice cream, while St. Angie ate mango ice cream. A picture of St. Angie eating ice cream probably would have been even more shocking than seeing the twin messiahs out in public.

The twin messiahs really do look like they've got a tiny drop of Cheeto blood running through their veins, right? And thanks to that sentence, I have a feeling my inbox is about to get attacked by a Brangaloonie torpedo in 3...2............

Source: Twitter.com/onemri VIA HuffPo

At JFK yesterday, Maddox swept in led by his loyal pet billy goat. It's obvious Maddox was not amused, because his pet billy goat embarrassed him yet again by wearing a stupid hat from the Tommy Bahama outlet.

Maybe Maddox fed it to his pet billy goat on the plane. And hopefully, when his pet billy goat was asleep dreaming about Jennifer Aniston in a bikini (that goes out to all you Brangaloonies), Maddox took a pair of pinky shears (that's what my little cousin calls 'em) to that overgrown chin bush. It needs pruning in a bad way.