Jennifer Hudson

No, your browser didn't fall into a future portal and show you the first runway refugee on the new season of RuPaul's Drag Race who was given her sashay away orders after losing a challenge where she had to make a Star Trek go-go dancer outfit out of Regretsy rejects. This is Jenny Craig'sWeight Watchers' main ho, JHud, wearing a whole lot of dusty pink NO at last night's taping of Vh1 Divas Soul in NYC.

When you're at the same event as the international icon of glamour Dolly Parton, this is not how come out. That lacefront was slapped on with Silly Putty, those retina-melting boots were made from my old glitter snap bracelets and the top of her dress almost looks like a bib of dehydrated menstrual berries. But even though JHud was hairline to toe fug, she still didn't give us the most dreadful look last night. That title goes to Jessie J who really needs to have a permanent seat on a chair made of Super Glue. That low budget Mrs. White mop on her head gives me flames, FLAMES, on the side of my face.

Here's more pictures from last night's Vh1 Divas Soul, which I think airs tonight (I think). In order!: JHead, Jill Scott, Mary J. Blige, Florence Welch, Jessie Janky, Mavis Staples with Martha Reeves, Chaka with 50 Cent, Common and DOLLY!!!!

In the costume closet of a community theater somewhere is a rack that's missing a chorus girl dress from My Fair Lady's horse race scene..... That's because Phoebe Price stole it, shoved her farm fresh turducken parts into it and used it to serve up some "C'mon, Dover, move your bloomin' arse shit!" at the American Music Awards last night. Yes, while your lazy ass was sprawled out on your velour sofa in your Sunday night outfit of torn underwear and a half-shirt with a Pepperidge Farm buffet on your stomach, our very own Chicken Cutlets was seat filling hard for the money (or in this case, for a 0.5 second on live television).

Every seat was filled like it's never been filled before, the fuckery quotient stayed hugging the roof and the semi-permanent smug on Jaden Smith's face was temporarily replaced with a look of HUH?! when PP strolled by looking like Rorschach spooged all over Dolly Levi. So I'd say it was a successful night and the hos at the AMAs can thank PP for this! I'm sure they did by letting her keep all the tips she made while working the ladies room during commercial breaks.

And here's a few very luck hos who might have gotten their chair warmed by the most famous seat filler in the world. In order: Alanis Morissette with Souleye, Benjamin Bratt, Heidi Klum, JHud, Joe Jonas, Katy Perry with Taylor Swift and Jaden Smith.

Jennifer Hudson is like my meth head ex-boyfriend's peen: Every time I see her, she looks skinnier and skinnier. But unlike my meth head ex-boyfriend's peen, JHud has no trouble standing erect without the help of a 2-hour hand job, a lot of coaching and a mess of Viagra. (I think).

JHud, who is putting out a weight-loss book soon (Chapter 1 - Become a spokeswoman for Weight Watchers. If that's not possible, smoke crack and bid adieu to all your ribs), nearly made her fingers kiss when she posed on the carpet at amfAR's Inspiration Gala in NYC last night. Ugh. When I put my hands around my waist, my fingers can barely see each other's tips because a hilly mound of bloat is blocking their view of each other. If Weigh Watchers had Cheetos nachos, Frosted Circus Animal Cookies and Coke Margaritas on their menu and gave complimentary lipo each week, I'd totally join! If JHud loses anymore weight, she'll win every single Verdine White look-alike contest and that's reason enough to be mad at her.

Here's more of JHud at last night's amfAR along with: Ke$hit (who gets a D- for her tuck game), Heidi Klum, James Franco, Lance Bass and a melting Victorian Vampire wax doll with an American History X extra.

Tonight is the Met's Costume Institute Gala (this year's exhibit is devoted to Alexander McQueen) where supermodels, movie stars and bitches who don't even belong at a costume party on Staten Island slip into dresses that cost thirty times more than the liquor & guns drive thru store in Texas I want to buy. Then they slobber on each other's nipples about how gorgeous they look before turning around and whispering to their assistant/culito wiper that they wouldn't even wear that shit as their menstruatin' dress.

And it wouldn't be a fashion gala without the Death Eaters' designer of choice Kunty Karl. Even though Kunty Karl had a bushel of stale and starched wheat at his side, he still managed to fill the air with the intoxicating scent of crushed dreams and boy toy saliva that wafts off of his glorious carcass. If you don't believe me, then just get a closer look at the woman behind him. Homegirl has got the vapors in a good way and just wants to lose her nose in Kunty Karl's coke white hair.

Or maybe she's falling asleep at the sight of Blake Lively in a half toga/half Cirque de Holeil leotard. Yeah, that's probably the culprit.

And here's a few other tricks who fell to their knees and put their lips on Kunty Karl's claws tonight. In order: Bradley Cooper with his hot mom, Kunty with Blake, Iman, Mary-Kate Olsen, MiserAlba, Jennifer Hudson, Colin Firth with his wife Livia, Michelle Williams, Taylor Swift, Penny Cruz with Oscar de la Renta, Mick Jagger with L'Wren Scott, Nicole Richie and Squinty Zellweger.

And I love how Martina McBride isn't even trying to move her head to help a fallen Xtina since it took a million prayers from Texas, 6 cans of pink AquaNet, a high-powered fan and a re-worked Bumpit to get her hair looking Designing Women fresh. But yeah, after Xtina's tonsils touched the spotlights above from hollerin' out a roller coaster of musical notes during the tribute to magnificent chichis, she stumbled a bit and her sourdough cheeks nearly ate floor. This comes after Xtina gave THE RAMPARTS shade at the Super Bowl last week.

IT HAPPENS. It happens when you enjoy everything an open bar has to offer and might be hallucinating from inhaling the toxic lead paint fumes wafting off your eyelashes. And it also happens when each one of your titties tries to head for opposite sides of the stage because they can't take the ringing sound in their nipple holes anymore. Clip below:

Everybody in the pit below probably felt like Indiana Jones when the boulder came rolling at his ass. Crisis averted. The real truth is, Xtina stumbled because Aretha Franklin let out a windy "PFFT" after the performance. Chichi voodoo is a real kind of magic!

From a yonder (the word "yonder" needs a comeback), I thought these pictures were of the legendary caramel queen Antoine Dodson once again spreading his sparkly smile for a check. But no, it's Jennifer Hudson looking lighter than Beyonce's "One Night Only" Dreamgirls wig at a Happy Hearts Fund event in NYC on Saturday night.

What the hell kind of meth are they putting in those Weight Watchers meals and will it give me a quick shot of "HELL YES" if I freebase it? But seriously, JHud is stronger than me in more ways than a million. I can't eff with Weight Watchers since all my daily points would be used on my morning cup of coffee con French Vanilla Coffee-mate.

Elton John wants his name to be on the list when he gets to Heaven, so he made sure to invite earth angel Betty White to his Oscar viewing party last night. Betty White was kind enough to mingle with mere mortals like Posh and Michelle Rodriguez (who probably tried to creep on Betty's prune cake).

Most of us would be busting into a soul seizure if Betty White touched our hand, but look at Posh being typical Posh by trying to act like she could care less. Or maybe she's busy trying to deal with the psychical pain she's suffering on the inside from Betty White's grip slowly breaking her weak hand bones. Although, that's not saying much since a handshake from a ghost would hurt frail ass Posh.

Here's a bunch of other hos who showed up for the camera clicks and free booze. They are: The world's memaw, Michelle Rodriguez, Posh, Alan Cumming, KD Lang, Stacey Dash with Jamie Foxx, Christina Hendricks, Debi Mazar, Kelly Osbourne, Sharon Osbourne, JHud, Salma Hayek, a freshly washed Joaquin Phoenix, RuPaul, Scary Spice, a trio of bossy bottoms, Niecy Nash, and Harvey's second favorite pet donkey (next to Peter Andre, of course).

Jennifer Hudson pushed a baby boy out four months ago, but her uterus isn't done working yet. Star Magazine is saying that someone new has moved into JHud's womb without paying for room or board (even IN THIS ECONOMY). Apparently, she's pregnant with her second child with her husband Punk from I Love New York.

A source said, “Jennifer was in total shock when she found out she was having another baby. She had wanted some space between the kids’ ages. She and David love kids. It’s another thing for them to celebrate during the holidays.”

JHud's rep would not confirm or deny the news. And your vagina better not hold its breath, because JHud is not going to say shit until/if the baby is in her hands. The last time she was pregnant, the baby's hand was practically hanging out of her crotch and she still wouldn't admit to the public that she was with child.

Jennifer Hudson, who never officially came out and shouted "I'VE GOT A BABEH IN MY WOMB," gave birth to a baby friend yesterday evening. E! says that JHud's new baby is a boy and weighed in at in at 7 pounds, 14 ounces. JHud's new baby was named after his father. No, his name isn't Punk From I Love New York Jr., they named him David Daniel Otunga Jr.

This is JHud and Punk's first baby. They are planning to get married sometime this year.

Congrats to JHud, Punk and David Jr.! When David Jr. has settled in, he should meet Captain Maddox at the gate to begin training with the child army. It won't be long now before they take over the world and make us all their prisoners.

.....that JHud is knocked up with Punk's babeh? Or maybe Usher has the power to impregnate with his hands? This would explain how Tameka Foster got pregnant.....twice!

Here's JHud and Usher backstage at Michael Jackson's memorial this afternoon.

Image: Getty