Fake Asses

Ginia Bellafante of The New York Times reviewed the new season of "The Hills" and called Heidi Montag a "feminist hero." She's a what and a what?

Ginia wrote, "Defying our expectations, Heidi has emerged as a kind of feminist hero this season, climbing her way to a bigger position at the event-planning company where she orchestrates Nascar parties, and refusing to acquiesce to the demands of her fiancé, Spencer, that she get herself home on time."

She went on to write, "Her groundswell of self-assertion begins when he insists on eloping, prompting Heidi to declare, “This isn’t, like, Spencer’s relationship and you decide what we do. The full-on joyous Oprah-fication of Heidi culminates with the show’s return and gives “The Hills” a new momentum. After taking a break from Spencer at her parents’ modest house in Crested Butte, Colo., Heidi returns to Los Angeles to kick him out and chastises him for taking her flat-screen TV with him. How proud Gloria Allred would be."

Ginia also thinks Lauren, who goes after unavailable dudes like Brody Jenner, could learn a thing or two from Heidi. We could all learn something from Heidi. I've learned never to use her plastic surgeon. Never.

Somebody check if Spencer Pratt goes by the pen name Ginia Bellafante.

Camille Paglia, Betty Friedan, Gloria Steinem and now Heidi Montag! Fake is fem. Little girls everywhere should look up to Heidi. That means when they grow up they should get fake tits, a bad nose job, a fake relationship and humiliate themselves at any cost for a little fame.

VIA UsWeekly

Heather Mills is not done fighting. Doesn't this bitch ever get tired? Fuck! Somebody slip an Ambien in this woman's haterade, because she needs a nap. Anyway, Heather is making plans to return to court in a bid to have her gag order lifted.

Heather is pissed that the judge's 58-page verdict was released and she can't say anything about it, because the hearing was covered by a confidentiality agreement. The judge basically painted her as a crazy ass gold digger. The truth fucking stings like Paris Hilton's cooze.

Heather's lawyer told the Daily Star, “Heather is very frustrated. She feels that it’s very unfair that the judgment should be printed in full when she cannot defend herself. She’s planning to apply to lift the ban. It was damning enough that the judge made his judgment so clear and vividly – no-one deserves that. It’s like a prolonged hanging for her.”

Heather could stand to make even more millions for media deals if the gag is lifted. The judge needs to gag this bitch permanently. It's for her own good, because it's making her insane.

Heather Mills must be possessed by the devil, because it's not normal for her to care so much. For some reason she really wants us all to know what a victim she is. Save it Heather! Get drunk, call a 1-900 number and spill your guts out to those bitches. They will really show you that they care.

Homegirl got her money and it's still not good enough. If I was her, I would be naked on a private beach drinking diamond water out of solid gold goblets with Yoko Ono.

And in other crazy bitch news, Heather is planning to fly first-class while her daughter flies coach! This is pretty hilarious, because last week Heather slammed Paul for doing the same thing. Oh Heather! Why stop at coach? Cargo is much cheaper! I shouldn't have said that. I don't want to give Heather any ideas.

"Gitcher rifle! We is goin' bunny huntin'"

No holiday is complete without a special greeting from Heidi and Spencer. Couldn't you just wet fart? I am completely convinced that MTV created Heidi and Spencer from a petree dish in their lab. They cannot be real.

Here's these two pieces of dick cheese having an easter egg hunt with Spencer's "niece." Please! That's not his niece. They totally got that poor girl down at central casting. I hope she upped her day rate, because she deserves a lot of money for hanging out with these two assholes.

There's just something about Miley Cyrus' mother, Tish Cyrus, that screams "I want to be famous." Tish has been escorting her daughter to many events lately. Bitch is saying she's there to "chaperone," but you know she loves the camera. Her lame horse face seems to light up every time a camera's on her mug. This is how it starts. Next thing you know, she's going to leave her husband, become the whore of all whores and then she's going to get a reality show. It's called the "White Oprah" plan.

Here's Tish and Miley at The Cheesecake Factory in Pasadena yesterday. Let's talk about The Cheesecake Factory for a second. I know that shit is deliciousness to a lot of you, but don't trust it! I just can't trust a joint that has 5000 items on their menu. That means your food is frozen and they are making that shit in the microwave. Why pay $20 for some Easy Mac you can have at home for two dollars. I'm surprised they don't have Hot Pockets on their menu

Rick Salomon has co-signed Pamela Anderon's claim that their marriage was some fraudlent bullshit. Last month, Pammy filed for annulment from Rick and claimed fraud. Rick filed papers with the same claim and asked to make their two-month union disappear. People is reporting that no reason was given on why the fraud allegation was made. Everyone on Pam is fake, so it only makes sense that her relationships are also fake. Fake ass bitch!

Rick is not asking for spousal support from Pam, because he makes more money than her. I guess fucking Parasite Hilton's nasty snatch on camera pays off.

Rick and Pam were married in Las Vegas last October during a break in her magic shows. Pamela will be married again by the end of the year. Trust this. Although, she's really missing out in life by not making her marriage to Rick work. Look at him. Nothing says skid mark undies and farting during dinner like a golden arch marijuana t-shirt. He's such a class act.

Kelly Rowland has admitted that she got her tits done, but claims she didn't get them done to compete with Beyonce. Kelly told People Magazine that she's been thinking about the surgery since she was 17. She finally went from an A-cup to a B-cup last October in Houston.

She said, "I didn't want double Ds and be a little bitty size 2. That would look nuts."

She went on to say that she had it done, because she wanted to look sexier in designer clothes. Kelly said she wanted to "this one really hot House of Dereon top -- I just wanted to fill that out!" Kelly said after her surgery she put on the top and looked good.

Poor fucking Kelly. No matter what this girl has to whore out of House of Derriere. Beyonce probably made her get the implants just so she could get some press and whore out House of Dereon.

And I wouldn't call House of Derriere "designer."

Source: Jezebel
Images: Bauer-Griffin

Oh no. It's Robert Downey Jr. in black face for the spoof comedy "Tropic Thunder." In the movie, Robert portrays Kirk Lazarus, an Oscar-winning actor who dyes his skin in order to play a black character in the the most expensive Vietnam War film ever made. Basically, Robert is playing a white man playing a black man.

Robert doesn't think it will be offensive, because it will be done right. He told Entertainment Weekly, ''If it's done right, it could be the type of role you called Peter Sellers to do 35 years ago. If you don't do it right, we're going to hell. If I didn't feel it was morally sound or that it would be easily misinterpreted that I'm just C. Thomas Howell in ("Soul Man"), I would've stayed home."

Soul Man was shit!

Ben Stiller wrote, directed and also stars in the film. He said that at a recent screening black audiences thought it was funny. "I had no idea how people would respond to it."

The film hits theaters this August and also stars Jack Black, Nick Nolte, Tom Cruise, Matthew McConaughey and Tobey Maguire.

I guess this is sort of the same thing as Eddie Murphy playing an Asian character in "Norbit." That shit was semi-offensive though. I got flashbacks of Mickey Rooney in Breakfast At Tiffany's.

I haven't seen this Tropic Thunder shit, so I can't really judge. The only reason I want to see Tropic Thunder is to see Tommy Girl in a fat suit.

Rachael Ray (Ugh, can I just call her Rachel? Fuck!) has adamantly denied that her marriage to John Cusimano sucks. The National Enquirer (via MSNBC) claims the bitch is lying. Sources tell them that her marriage will be over by the end of the year. EV OH NO! Sorry, I had to.

They went to visit her family over Christmas and it was apparent Rachael couldn't stand his ass. A source said, “When they arrived, John stayed outside for 15 minutes. When he finally came into the house, Rachael acted like he wasn’t even there. She even closed her eyes so she wouldn’t have to meet his gaze!”

They also didn't sleep together. Rachael made him sleep in the cat's bed. “He was sent off to sleep in a little upstairs loft that’s normally where one of Rachael’s mother’s cats sleeps.” That's probably the most pussy he's gotten in a while.

I'm sorry, but it's pretty hard for a straight marriage to work when both of you like to suck dick. I shouldn't say that. Gay Al and Star Jones have lasted much longer than I thought without some kind of gay scandal. It's pretty depressing. I bet you John and Gay Al meet up at the local glory hole while their wives are at work.

You can tell John can't stand her ass! He even wears headphones wherever he goes, so he doesn't have to listen to her annoying ass!

On Saturday night in West Hollywood, Paris Hilton brought a Shaman to a popular restaurant where he blessed her in front of all the paps and everyone else. TMZ reports that her Shaman is a fake and a phoney. The dude's real name is Maxie Santillan and he's an actor. He's been in "Pirates of the Caribbean" and "Mutant Vampire Zombies From The Hood." All the classics.

He also has a MySpace.

Is Paris smart enough to put this little publicity stunt together or is she the one that got snowed by Maxie? Snowed, but not in the way she's used to. She probably staged this little "spiritual awakening" for her new shitty reality show. Maxie can add "Paris' bitch" to his list of his credits.

I knew this shit had to be fake. There's no way a real holy man would get near that skank. That's like dancing with the devil.

Lane Garrison is the dude from "Prison Break" that is in the clink for crashing his car while driving drunk. His teenage passenger died in the accident. Lane took time out from his busy prison schedule of being passed around to write a heartfelt letter to Access Hollywood. Hey, some people write letters to Jesus when they are trying to make good and some write letters to Billy Bush. Here's what Lane wrote:

“Greetings and Happy New Year to you and everyone at Access Hollywood from Donovan State Prison. Never did I think I would be saying the words ‘happy & prison’ in the same sentence and not be on a set. It’s pure irony coming from the show and now living the real deal. It’s surreal and mind-blowing to say the least.”

“Just this past Monday they let a group of inmates watch the season premiere of Prison Break. It felt like an out of body experience as I stood around a crowd of tattooed felons watching Michael Scofield try to escape … all of us longing to be free as well!”

“This has been the hardest year of my life. I hope people, young and old, are learning from my mistakes and what can happen when you drink and drive. I have much to say about the pain I’ve felt and seen inside of prison. It has been eye-opening and a harrowing experience.”

I'm sure it's an eye-opening experience! Usually when you're getting a train ran up on you by a bunch of criminals, your eyes tend to want to pop out of your body. Been there, done that, have the cut on my ass lips to prove it. Lane never explains why the hell he's writing to Access Hollywood? He must be trying to remain relevant which is funny since he never was relevant.