Fake Asses

Natural beauty Jodie Marsh talked to GMTV this morning about her reasons for getting ass cheeks permanently planted on her chest. Jodie took her titties to a 32GG (double the gross) because she was tired of wearing push-up bras.

She said, "You know what, I’ll tell you the honest truth - because I did have quite big boobs, natural big boobs and, as any woman with big boobs knows, they don’t stay pert and firm forever - they don’t. ­­And of course, when gravity takes it toll, you’re left with boobs that really only look good in a push up bra - which is what mine had become. And I’d got to a point where I was like, I want them to look like this all the time, I don’t want to have to keep pushing them up."

29-year-old Jodie also told her plastic surgeon she "didn’t want them to be ridiculous."

Personally, I think they are too small. Each breast should be at least twice the size of her own head or why even bother going under the knife!?

Source

Thanks Lucinda

"When I grow up I want to be a no-trick pony with garbage bag chichis!"

Heidi Montag launched her affordable line of prostitute uniforms at Kitson yesterday to a crowd of like 20. I bet half of those people were plucked from central casting.

The parents of these little girls need to be dick slapped! Well, maybe they mistook Heidi for one of those plastic horsey rides that sit outside of supermarkets. Unfortunately, when you stick a quarter in Heidi, the quarter bounces back at you.

Manicurists all over the Tri-State area have closed shop early upon hearing the news that Foxy Brown has been released from the chokey. 29-year-old Foxy served 8 months of a 12 month sentence for attacking 2 hos over a $20 manicure.

Foxy is due back in court on May 5th for allegedly pulling a Naomi Campbell on a neighbor. Send the bitch back to jail! She already knows the lay of the land.

Foxy is already back to work. She's filming a Vh1 reality show and has an album coming out soon. That's all fine, but I bet you the bitch isn't going to find a single sole that wants to work on her nails. Foxy better pick up a Lee Press On nail kit at her local Rite-Aid, because she's going to have to do that shit herself.

Tomorrow is "Foxy Brown Gets Out Of Jail" day and bitch is planning a Pope-like welcome. Foxy's "people" (aka her auntie and second cousin) want her fans to wait in the parking lot of Rikers with banners and t-shirts with her face on it. She will use the scene for an upcoming Vh1 reality show.

Foxy has served 8-months in the chokey for violating probation after she beat down a couple of manicurists.

TMZ reports that the jail isn't having it. They said the parking lot is way too small for a major crowd.

They need to have a cigarette and relax, because Foxy is not drawing any kind of major crowd. They could hand out free lunch vouchers and they still would only bring in two or three homeless people. And there's no way those homeless people will stick around to wear a Foxy Brown t-shirt. Most of them are MC Lyte fans anyway.

Foxy needs to turn up her hearing aid, so she can clearly hear us all say, "NOBODY CARES!"

I wish that cheap ass blonde wig could help make Rachel Bilson a better actress, but sadly even getting fucked up the ass by the late Lee Strasberg himself wouldn't help her skills. I like the little ragamuffin though. You know the director put on that wig hoping it would give her some personality. Oh well! Fail!

Here's Rachel with her boyfriend, Hayden Christensen, on the set of their movie "New York, I Love You." Ugh, here's another actor who can't act. Watching wet cardboard slowly dry in the sun is more exciting than seeing these two in a scene together. Can anybody act these day? I mean...really!

Marilyn Manson's creation is almost complete! Marilyn's girl toy, Evan Rachel Wood, is on her way to becoming Dita Von Teese. And then Marilyn will truly love her! Well, Evan will have to change her name to Dotty Von Tease first.

It's only a matter of seconds before Evan is flopping around a giant champagne glass wearing pasties and carrying giant feathers.

Poor bitch. I can tell you right now that the dick is probably not worth the trouble. Here's Dotty Von Tease at a screening of "Life Before Her Eyes" in NYC last night.

Wonky was in Bologna, Italy for some hair and beauty trade fair where she whored out her line of fake hair. That shit is aptly named "The Bandit," because Wonky is robbing your ass blind if you buy that ugly crap.

You would be better off going through Jessica Simpson's trash can for her old weave pieces than wear Wonky's rayon hair. If Wonky was a smart businesswoman, she would make that shit semen resistant.

This dumb skank also doesn't need to wear her name on her shirt AND belt. Everyone knows who she is by her toxic pussy stank alone.

Crystle Stewart, a 26-year-old entrepeauner from Texas, was crowned Miss Tranny USA 2008 in Las Vegas last night! Crystle beat out 50 other trannies, soap star rejects and porn stars to the win the crown.

Seriously! I caught some of this mess last night and it felt like I was watching a tranny beauty pageant from the 80s. It was a good thing Christian Siriano was a judge, because these women put the "hot tranny mess" in "hot tranny mess." I didn't know that many rhinestones and sequins existed in the world. And the make-up. The make-up! These chicks looked like they were sprayed down by the auto-paint specialists at Maaco. Overload!

Crystle from Texas was the best choice though. I'm sure she's pretty hot without 10,000 pounds of make-up laying on her face. She also gave the best answer to her "final question," but that's not saying much. The girl basically had no competition, because the other girls were pretty much brain dead.

The women also had to wear faux fur during the swimsuit competition. TACKY! This isn't Miss Mafia Princess!

Below is a clip of the "final question" portion of the show. The panel of judges was actually pretty hot. Heather Mills, Christian Siriano, Kimber from Nip/Tuck, Ken Paves and Hope from Days of Our Lives in one room together! Train wreck!

What do you say when you're trying to stop a wedding? Is there any kind of official lingo? I guess, "That skank likes pussy!" will work. I'm going to need to know this just in case The National Enquirer (via dig spy) is right. They claim Penelope Cruz is going to marry Javier Bardem. This bitch has no idea.

A source claims Javier's momma, Pilar, told him to marry Penny, "Pilar took her son aside and told him, 'What's the matter with you? She's perfect! You love her, she loves you. Get married.'" The sourcie goes on to say that they will marry later this year. Over my skinny ass dead body.

Somebody help me put these razors in my hair. A rumble is going down. Penny could totally kick my dirty nalgas though. She would shout shit in her cockatoo voice and it would confuse the hell out of me and that's when she'd deliver the fatal blow. Yeah, I'm not fucking with that snatch.

2008 is all about sabotaging weddings. First, we have to hit up the Depp nuptials and now we gotta wreak havoc on Penny's special day.

TMZ claims that Matt Grant from "The Bachelor" might not be on the show to find love. Shocking! This is the first time in Bachelor history that someone on the show has ulterior motives.

It seems that Matt recently met a chick at a bar who works for TMZ. They have been keeping in touch and he told her that he wanted to move to the United States. Matt's lawyer advised him that the easiest way to do this would be to marry an American. I could have told him that for the price of a G&T. I also would have lent him my copy of "Green Card."

TMZ thinks that if marries on the chicks on the show, he's marrying them to stay in the country.

I don't watch the show to see the blossoming romance between the bachelor and the girls. I watch it to see the girls fight, get drunk and act like sluts. I could care less what he's doing it for as long as he keeps the sluts and drunks on the show.

He's already disappointed me by getting rid of Stacey. If he was only on the show for marriage then he should have kept that insane bitch. She would be crazy enough to marry him after only a few dates. Stacey's also on the road to finding "a pharmaceutical that will cure something that no one has thought of." If that isn't wifey material, I don't know what is.