Fake Asses

The cast for the remake of Sorority Row looks like it was compiled in a bathroom stall at Les Deux. I mean, it stars Ceiling Eyes from The Hills, Tater Head, Jamie from The Real World: San Diego, some skank whose greatest credit is being "detention girl" in 90210 and a bunch of other whores. Obviously, they all worked for drink tickets, a half-used box of Trojans and a promise that their 15-seconds will be extended to 18. And tell me why oh why Carrie Fisher is in this dirty tampon of a movie?! Carrie, if you need some quick cash, work the streets or sell crack. It's more respectable than working with these whorey cardboard cutouts.

And of course, Ceiling Eyes plays the dead girl. The bitch probably can't even play a corpse convincingly. Her ceiling eyes got her role, obviously.

While watching this trailer, these were my thoughts: That's not foam, it's jizz backing up! Why did he kill her if she was already dead? A tire iron can do that? Graduation gowns have hoods? Why am I doing this to myself? Is this real life?

SPOILER ALERT: Tater Head's chin is the killer!

When Joaquin Phoenix gets up in the afternoon, does he pull his clean ass out of bed, walk to his backyard, roll around in dirt, throw a shit load of fleas on his beard, smear a bar of dick butter (found in any Food 4 Less) on his body and then head out the door? It's pretty much looking like Joaquin's whole "crazy man under the bridge" act is just that...a fucking act! The dick cheese doesn't smell authentic!

Last night in Miami, Joaquin performed at the Fontainebleau Hotel at around 2 in the morning. During his low-budget rap act, some douchebag in the audience got all cunty with Joaquin. This was Joaquin's cue to say, “We have a fucking bitch in the audience" The dude in the audience kept on, so Joaquin really burned him, “I've got $1 million in the bank. What have you got bitch?”A few beats later, Joaquin dropped his mic, bounced into the audience and Chris Browned the bitch. Security broke the fakery up and kicked Joaquin out of his own show.

Of course, Casey Affleck got the whole thing on tape for that "documentary" they are making.

Okay, I understand that Joaquin wants to join the "You So Artsy" club by doing this performance art shit, but can he drop the homeless man look? Can't he be a hot and freshly shampooed crazy person? Joaquin looks like one of the members of ZZ Top after spending time in The Biggest Loser house. That is not the look.

SPOILER ALERT! Reality Steve was absolutely 100% cor-fucking-rect with his spoiler . On last night's low-rent soap opera known as The Bachelor, Jason dumped Molly, proposed to Melissa, dumped Melissa and then chose Molly. Yeah, confusing and totally fucking stupid. The whole thing really played out like the worst soap opera ever. This shit isn't even worthy of public access.

First of all, if they wanted to bring the drama and raw emotion, they should have chosen a better actor, because Jason's acting skills are whack! His son Ty can probably do a better job of fake crying. Note to Jason: When crying, tears have to be involved. It just looked like he was trying to push out a really big and dry butt nugget. They should have smeared onion paste in his beady eyes or maybe got Stephanie to serenade him again with her beautiful humming bird voice.

It became clear that the whole thing was set up when Molly kept crying about how he made the worst mistake of his life and he's going to regret this shit. Ooooh, foreshadowing. Why so clever, Bachelor producers?

And millions of people learned about Jason's "regret" on the After the Rose special. Chris Harrison started the hour by telling us what we were about to watch was so sensitive and so intimate that they decided out of respect for all parties involve to shoot it without a studio audience. Yeah, really fucking intimate. Only millions of people are watching.

So, stupid ass Jason came out and said that after spending time with DeAnna 2.0 (aka Melissa), he realized they weren't right for each other. Again, Jason makes Teddy Ruxpin look like Meryl Streep. He needs John Robert Powers STAT! Then Melissa came out, Jason broke it off with her and she proceeded to show him up in the acting department. Finally some People Choice Award-worthy shit! I even think Melissa went off the script and ad-libbed a little! She's a true professional. That's probably why there were so many pauses, because Jason didn't hear his pick-up line.

After Melissa and Jason played out their scene, she gave the ring back and stormed off into a waiting limo. Then Molly came out, Jason asked her to be his and they lived happily ever after. When Molly said, "Is this for real now?", I shouted, "Shut up, bitch."

For the record: Jason told People that he wanted to quit Melissa off-camera, but producers said it was in his contract that it had to be done in front of everybody.

Some bitches think Jason and the Bachelor producers were the only ones in on the fakery, but I think Melissa and possibly Molly were in on it. They realized this season was about as exciting as a dehydrated lima bean, so they concocted this dramatic shit to keep us awake. A more dramatic ending would have been if a gigantic tidal wave hit the house and took all of those fake ass whores out.

I'm sure that on tonight's third reunion show (yes, there's another one), Jason will dump Molly and propose marriage to the dead dove he buried with Naomi's family.

Below is a clip of Jason's amazing acting skills. And what was up with that set?! All those cheap ass tea lights! Fire hazard! Actually, I would've clapped if the whole joint went up in flames.

The broad on the right is Mary Kate Hearon and she claims soggy Fishsticks Paltrow's GOOP is just a bootleg version of her newsletter The Weekly Beet. Page Six says that on her Facebook page, Mary told her friends that Fishy straight up copied her newsletter about eating seeds and pooping on banana leaves. Mary said she actually introduced Fishy to her newsletter a few years ago, because she knew she was into that grass-loving crap.

Mary went on to yap that she eventually met up with Fishy and surprise, surprise, she was a total organic cunt. Mary said Fishy "was sooooooo nasty to me, it was scandalous! Chris Martin, the utmost gentleman, stood to shake my hand, but she smirked and was silent when I asked how her dinner was . . . I never thought in a million years she'd . . . create her own site very similar to The Weekly Beet . . . Goop has the therapies I've tried, the foods I love, the detoxes that work! A lot of the same stuff!"

Fishy's friend said that Mary is vomiting up lies, because they have never even met.

You know, I think everyone in the world should consider suing Fishy. We need to have a meeting with Larry H. Parker. I mean, most of our assholes have been spewing out POOP for years and years. Class action lawsuit alert!

At last night's Knicks game in NYC, Chuck Bass and that Vanessa bitch from Gossip Girlfriends (as my mom calls it) continued the fakery by "kissing" in the audience while they were probably on the damn Jumbotron. Chucks Bass' powers of imagination are obviously stronger than Vanessa's. He's kissing on her like she's Chace Crawford's freshly shaved and perfumed asshole. And Vanessa isn't even trying. Chuck Bass is trying to give your lips a rim job! She could at least pucker up like she's got a dick and fucking try. She's getting paid for it!

I'm totally getting a "Level 1 Stepford Katie" vibe from that Vanessa bitch. She's not a full-grown beard yet. She's like a goatee.

And I have a really important question for everyone. Why the fuck is Cheech Fucking Marin sitting behind these two twats?! He's the better half of Cheech & Chong. Pepaw should be in the front.

Joaquin Phoenix said "BYE! GOOD" to Hollywood and told anyone who gave a shit that he was going to focus on music. And by "music," he meant homeless dude rapping. He debuted his sad hobo-on-a-subway act in Las Vegas a couple of weeks ago with his friend Casey Affleck documenting the whole pathetic show on camera. Now, two whores have told EW that Joaquin's new career is just a fucking 5th grade art project for him. A joke. A ha-ha. A funny. An "I got you." Like we didn't know that already?

One of the whores said, "He said, 'It's a put-on. I'm going to pretend to have a meltdown and change careers, and Casey is going to film it.'" The other whore piped in, "It's an art project for him. He's going full out. He probably has told his reps that he's quit acting. Joaquin is very smart. This is very conscious. He has a huge degree of control."

Art never looked so mangy.

Wouldn't it be so much fucking fun to just go around playing stupid ass jokes on everyone? Life is just one big fun game! I'm sure this shit is a stupid ass hoax, but Joaquin still has crazy bugs dropping crazy shits in his crazy brains. Joaquin needs to drop this fakery (also related to fuckery and faggotry) and go do something better with his life like re-grout my bathroom tile or teach my dog how to do the Macarena.

And Joaquin needs more people. Vanilla Ice already played that "I'm a white boy who can rap" hoax on everyone. Although, I don't think Vanilla has let us in on the joke yet.

Thanks Alia

WAKE UP and smell the lubed-up butt plug in your ass, Matthew! You've got a photo-op to fake smile for.

These two have the sexual chemistry of a dying salamander and white dog caca (StepBrothers 4 EVA). It's a good thing Matthew Broderick keeps a picture of a hard wang on his cell phone at all times, so he can glance it every few minutes to get an extra shot of energy or. Seriously, SJP and Matthew look like they would rather be getting a genital rub from Freddy Krueger. Their clothes even look miserable. Slap him with a dick and slap her with a carrot.

Here's Ladyhawke and his little pony telling everyone "We're holding hands! This means we're happy!" in NYC last night.

After going through a security check at an airport in Berlin, Tommy Girl created an eyeball rolling wave by kissing his robobride in front of the pappies. I'm shocked that the security equipment didn't burst into flames from the intense levels of fakery.

You can see the craziness swirling inside Tommy's eyes just before he's about to kiss a girl on the lips (ewwwwww). He's using his hypnotic alien powers to help him imagine Katie's mouth lips as David Beckham's dirt star. Or maybe he's picturing that pink gay bunny with an eyepatch that got thrown out of his premiere? Isn't it heartbreaking that they can't be together? Forbidden love!

Kim from The Real Hos of Atlanta is at Sundance because Park City probably has a really bad problem with rabid Mormon coyotes attacking tourists. They figured that if they invited Kim's mangy ass, rabies-ridden wig, the coyotes would stop biting the tourists because they'd be too busy trying to get one of their babies back from Kim's head. Kim had to have known that there was going to be some wild animals around that would try to rescue one of their own. But she probably figured that her mutant tarantula eyelashes would scare them off.

And not only does she have to worry about wild animals attacking her face, she also needs to fend off the groups of children that try to rip her head off because they are mistaking it for a Barbie Styling Head. Although, a Barbie Styling Head has a little more life in the eyes.

It snowed in NYC yesterday and I thought everyone was going to start farting hot cocoa with marshmallows in it, because I got a dozen e-mails, IMs and pigeon greeting saying shit like "OMG! It's snowing! So Christmas-ey! So Winter Wonderland-ey! So magical-ey!" Yeah, I must that admit, that even though my heart is made of The Grinch's snot balls, I still like snow times......for like ten seconds.

In NYC, snow is pretty for a few eye blinks and then it turns into icy smegma like the shit Nicole Kidman probably coughs up. It's not fun or cute trying to walk on frozen jizz. I never wear the right shoes in the snow either, so I end up grabbing on to walls, strangers, poles and anything that can keep my fruity ass from hitting the frozen ground. Froze fruit! I haven't fallen yet, but my time is coming. It always does. Especially since I've already laughed at a little girl falling on her ass. Yeah, I'll get mine and it won't be fun.

Oh and try to look like you care when you glance at these pictures of Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer in the snow last night. Unfortunately, they didn't slip and hit the ground. They look confused by the white boogers falling from the sky, though. Or maybe they are just trying to figure out a good "We Is So In Love" pose to give the paparazzi.