Fake Asses

Last week, Life & Style took us into the world of 3-year-old Shiloh Jolie-Pitt (smells like paninis and plane fuel). This week, they take us into the world of these two heavy flow maxi pads. Yeah, where's the Chinatown bus that goes back to Shiloh's world, because I CAN'T with these twats!

Khloe and Kim are queefing about how they lost a ton of weight by using some stupid crap called QuickTrim (PLUG! PLUG! PLUG!) and "exercising." They both blabbed about how they want to tone up more, but are happy with their bodies. BLAH! Then Khloe farted that she lost 25lbs and is a size 6 now. Kim said she weighs 114lbs. 114lbs total, not just her ass. Yeah, I know.

We would all lose 25lbs in a quick minute if we constantly ate up the diet supplement known as Vitamin COKE and spent the day sweating like a pig from chasing relevancy. And Khloe's thighs only look like that because they were slathered with Photoshop jelly.

(Image VIA Cover Awards)

Last night in NYC, JLo had herself another 40th birthday party. Only this was supposedly a "surprise" party Skeletor put together. Nalgas, please! Where the hell did JLo think she was going when she put on that Cleopatra dress she snatched from a drag queen and that braided hair bowl that belongs in a Cinnabon counter? You know she planned that whole thing from top to bottom. I mean, only JLo's mess ass would come up with the name "An Evening For Lola." That is a wreck. And if JLo thinks we're going to start calling her ass "Lola," then she needs more people. Preferably people with prescription pads and straitjackets.

JLo tried to act all shocked when the car pulled up in front of the theater, but come on.... Bitch couldn't even pull of a natural "surprised" look when an anaconda was trying to bite her ass! She should've studied the look on her twins faces whenever she makes a monthly visit to their nursery. Now that's a real surprised look. I need to stop. It's JLo's birthday. So Happy Birthday, Jlo...A-FUCKING-GAIN (this is going to be a daily thing, right?)

Here's some more pictures from last night of the every day birthday girl, Skeletor and her guests including Leah Remini (ugh), Lizaaaaaa and Ricky Martin.

Loki's soulmate, Robert Downey Jr. and ScarJo are all on the cover of the latest Entertainment Weekly as their Iron Man characters. While I appreciate seeing RDJ's plastic red mango crotch and Mickey's always-precious chilaquiles face, I am not amused by ScarJo.

It looks like she has Carrot Top's luscious dick bush on her head. They should've just wrapped Carrot Top's peen in black leather and had it play the Black Widow. It would probably do a better Russian accent than ScarJo too. OH FUCK, her Russian accent is going to make the entire city of Moscow weep for a thousand years. They are barely getting over Harrison Ford's butchery in K-19: Widowmaker.

This is a trailer (SFW) for Hustler's porn parody of HoHan's life. In some circles, this would be consider "making it." The porn-version SamRo is even in this, but the ho playing her isn't even trying! Bitch didn't bleach her hair or flash one of SamRo's signature "I'm holding a queef" smirks. If you're going to play SamRo, commit! Chick needs to hang out with Christian Bale.

And I wonder why Hustler didn't try to get White Oprah to make a cameo? She would've done it for 2 drink tickets to TGI Friday's.

VIA Gawker

Parasite Hilton's family bought her from the back of a truck in Chinatown, so she's the last bitch who should be calling anything fake. And that's exactly what she has called The Hills.

At last night's FiFi Awards, Parasite said she's never seen an episode, but her current wart-pincher used to be on it and he thought it was lame. The pre-op ostrich said, "The show is, like, so lame and fake. He doesn't even want to be a part of it. They make up relationships when they’re not there, and he just thinks it's lame. I've never seen the show in my life. I have no idea what it's about. But he just thought it was cheesy."

Wonky is right. The Hills is fake and her "My Butt Fucker Friend" show should have been nominated for an Academy Award for Best Documentary. Grand delusions! On the other hand, this skank whore is an expert of all things fake and lame, so she would know.

And Doug, no matter what Justin Gaston told you, your totally awesome powers of concentration aren't going to make those puss-filled pimples grow.

VIA USWeekly

Clare Werbeloff is the ho in Australia who became an overnight internet celebskank after a video her giving a witness account to a local shooting traveled around the world wide webz. In the clip, Clare dropped the word "wog" (which is a racial slur) so casually like it was part of her every day vocabulary. A quick minute after the video took off, a Facebook group devoted to Clare was born and some bitch started selling t-shirts were her sayings on them. Clare also had to get a publicist to deal with all the attention coming her way.

Well.....you can erase the bitch's file from your brain's hard drive, because that trick BAMBOOZLED the world! Clare didn't witness the shooting in Sydney and she was spinning lies when she talked to the local news. The Police hos tell the Daily Telegraph that dumb fuck Clare admitted to lying.

The public is not amused by Clare's joke. They didn't appreciate her slapping them with her giant hoax dick. They have now turned on Clare! Clare's older sister said that she's afraid gang members are going to whoop her ass! HA!

So it looks like Clare's big dream of becoming the next Delta Goodrem is officially died. Bitch will be lucky if she gets a gig co-hosting Tuesday nights with Corey Worthington at a bar on the outskirts of town where she'll have to serve vodka and Vegemite shots off of her stomach.

Do you remember Corey Worthington? Exactly. Google the bitch's name the word "irrelevant" pops up.

Source (Thanks Tanya)

Sacha Baron Cohen really wanted to get into character when he filmed Bruno, but it sounds to me like there wasn't an authentic gay on set to help him through this process. Sacha decided to bleach every single hair follicle on his body, so he could have the body of a hairless European twink power bottom. But who bleaches anymore? Well, besides my cholita cousin who thinks we all can't see her blonde moustache glistening in the sun. Don't tell her I told you that. I mean, every gay knows waxing the ass is the only way! Invisi-bleach is so 80s.

Anyway, either Sacha didn't want to waltz with wax or nobody told him. Sacha found out the hard way that bleach is not the answer. The Sun says that shortly after he got bleached, his no-no turned into an ouch-ouch. A source said, “He had a bad allergic reaction to hydrogen peroxide, which is a strong bleaching agent. It was so severe around a certain part of his anatomy that he couldn’t sit down for three days. He had to make an emergency appointment with the doctors, who gave him some medication to counter the irritation. Crew members found the whole incident hilarious and it slowed down filming for a bit, but Sacha soon got over the discomfort. He has suffered no long-lasting ill effects.”

Down for 3 days?! What kind of fake gay is he? If you're going to act the part, ACT the part. Dip that ass in some oestrogen cream, shake it off and get back out there! There have been times where my b-hole was on death's door, but I slapped it into action, inhaled and handled my business. There's no crying in butt sex!

Singing? Dancing?

Paula Abdul lip-synched FOR HER LIFE on American Idol last night during her performance of her new single "I'm Just Here For The Music (And The Lidocaine)." It might have been the Theraflu/NyQuil haze I was in, but I found that shit HIGHlarious (punned on purpose)! Even Scott could see that bitch was lip-synching. I mean, I don't even think her lips were moving. But the best part is when she used two mics to get the lip-synching job done! The "little vicodin pill who can't" was already wearing a head mic and then she scuttled over to another mic and lip-synched into that. Did Mel Brooks write that gag, because it was fucking classic!

So was that song actually. C-3PO sounded more human than that mess. You know Vicki the Robot is the real voice behind Paula's song. Vicki is the Martha Wash of the robot world.

How many of you were hoping one of the dancers flipped her ass too high causing her to get stuck in the rafters? One of the dudes should have thrown Paula towards the judge's table, because she might have knocked Kara DioLEAVEALREADY in the mouth, finally unlocking her damn jaw!

And I also loved Paula's final line before she left the stage, "Gentlemen, I'm just here for the music!" It is your duty to say that line every time you enter a room.

Beyonce was playing a show in Vienna the other day, so a local radio station decided to play a little prank. They pretended to be her manager and called up the Albertina museum to schedule a private tour for Sasha Fierce. The museum fell for it and everything was set. While the real Beyonce was out shopping in Vienna for manes from local horses, the fraudulent one went to the museum. The museum gave Sasha Fake a tour, but quickly figured out something in the milk wasn't clean. A rep for the museum said, "Her face was extremely similar, but her body was totally different."

Er...what? Look at that bitch above! I look more like Beyonce than she does?! I'm guessing Basement Baby was handcuffed to the basement radiator as punishment for that other prank, because she would've done this shit for free. Basement Baby works for relevancy! Even that dog knows what's up. He can't even look at that fake ass bitch.

The fake Sasha Fierce isn't much of a Beyonce impersonator, but if Holly Robinson Peete crawls out from under her rock and needs a body double for whatever reason, this chick is the one. And if the dude she's with ever tires of showing art to bootleg celebrity doppelgangers, he can get a job as a Dolph Lundgren double.

Source VIA Idolator

During Brit Brit's "I Kin Move Mah Lips An' Wave Mah Hans" show in Oakland the other night, one of her extensions broke free of the track and made a break for it. Methinks it took the line "out of my head" as its cue. The extension is now on a Greyhound bus to Miami where it plans to shake the jerky dust off of itself. It won't go far, though. When it crosses through Atlanta, Kim Zolciak's mangy beast wig will trap that ho and make it parts of its harem.

It's totally weird, but nothing makes me more happy than seeing a busted ass weave track or extension lying on the street. It confirms to me that broke down skank hos still exist in the real world and that makes me happy.

P.S. - What in Monday-to-Friday Helsinki is going on in that clip? It's like a scene out of HBO's Real Sex from the 80s.

VIA TMZ