Fake Asses

Watching SamRo dive into HoHan's crotch would have been more exciting than David Blaine's lame "Dive of Death" last night. TMZ caught up with the royal doofus and asked him what the hell happened. Instead of saying, "I'm a dick bag. I fail at magic," he blamed Dubya's speech on TV last night and the wind. Dubya is to blame for a lot of shit, but David should have come up with a better excuse. He should just have just pulled an Asshole Simpson and blamed his acid reflux.

Master douche David Blaine's latest "stunt" has proven to be a complete waste of everyone's precious time. David announced that he would hang upside down in NYC's Central Park for 60 hours. What he failed to mention was that in that 60 hour period, he would stand on his feet several times during the day to be checked out. David would also be lowered down so that he could talk to the bitches who came to witness his douchebaggery for themselves. So basically, he didn't hang upside down for 60 hours. Xtina's husband, Bat Boy, is offended! He can hang by his feet longer than that shit.

Last night, David's 60 hours were up and he was supposed to "death dive" into the ground. Guess what? He didn't. I know. As soon as you pick yourself up off the ground, continue reading. David's douche dive was something you can see at any community theater production of "Peter Pan." David jumped from the platform while attached to some stupid wires and then he stopped about halfway down. David just hung there for a few seconds and then was whisked off into the night. Unfortunately, he wasn't whisked off of the planet.

This Droopy Dog motherfucker is the fakest faker whoever faked. I know none of us paid to see this shit, but we did waste our time by reading about it on the Internet and/or watching it on TV. For that, David owes us! I want cold hard cash or a front-row seat to his "Dive of Death" redo over the Grand Canyon....without wires.....and with a pack of hungry wolves waiting at the bottom.

Meredith Viera interviewed Lynne Spears on "Today" this morning to talk about her new book "Through the Caca." Basically, Lynne lives in her own world where she bakes cookies all day long like a good mother and really didn't do anything wrong when raising her kids.

In the clip above, Lynne talks about how she wasn't a stage mother. Brit Brit pushed her. When Brit started to become a star, Lynne couldn't travel with her, because she had to stay at home and raise Jamie Lynne. She compares it to sending your kids to college. She said: "You don't really know what they're doing in college ... just as Britney set out two years earlier to be a star."

She said it was all roses and cupcakes at first, but then it all turned when Brit Brit started to lose it. Lynne said she wasn't ready for that. Obviously, she wasn't. That's why she turned around and walked away. Instead of helping out her crazy daughter, she wrote this shit book!

Lynne can't fool me with her soft, Southern voice. Bullshit is still pouring out of her mouth.

And in the clip below, Lynne talks about how she was shocked to learn about Jamie Lynn's pregnancy. I guess she didn't get the hint when she heard her daughter doing sexy times in the next room.

Lynne found out when Jamie Lynn gave her a note that said she was pregnant. The note totally said: "Dear Ma, I done and got knocked up! Oh wells! Kisses and Possums, Jamie Lynn."

After Lynne read the note, she noticed that Casey's feet were on the table (ok?) and that he wasn't looking at her. That's when she broke down and cried. Yeah, cried tears of joy at the thought of all the millions she was going to make off of this pregnancy!

When I first saw these pictures of Nicole Kidman strolling around in London, I thought she was taking a bunch of pillow cases and sheets to the laundromat. And then I noticed the small, little pale hand peeking out. At least, I think it's Sunday's hand....

Here's more of Nicky looking like Jacko in a blonde wig while going into a studio in London. The Daily Mail also has a few pictures of Sunday's little ginge top. Sunday has bit of ginge which mean she MUST be Nicky's bio-baby, right?

What in the "mother of the bride" hell is sleeping on Beyonce's head? Wake it up with a stick. Be careful though, because it might bite your ass. It looks a little hostile.

Beyonce is playing Etta James in a new movie and I guess she decided to keep the act going by wearing her Etta wig during a performance at Fashion Rocks last night. The wig looks more like a cross between Blanche Deveraux and Nancy Reagan. And it looks like wet cornstarch is the only thing keeping that wig on.

You know Solange was cackling backstage with her pocket mouse friend. Solange shouldn't have laughed though. Beyonce already got her ass earlier in the night. More on that later.

During Fashion Rocks, Beyonce joined Mimi, Mary J. Blige, Miley Cyrus and a bunch of other hos to warble through some song called "Just Stand Up." The performance aired during last night's "Stand Up to Cancer" benefit. Basically, except for Mary J. Blige, they all sounded like they had horny hamsters in their throats. When Mary opened her mouth, they all should have politely excused themselves and allowed her to sing the rest. I think Beyonce's wig was trying to make a run for it.

Miley Cyrus should not be allowed to sing....ever again. Bitch sounded like The Chipettes gone reggae. Not a pretty sound.

Here's more pics of Beyonce at Fashion Rocks last night. She also performed with a big fat douche named Justin Timberlake. He should really just go sit in the corner and fuck a bowl of Wheaties.

Sorry to burst your cum bubble, but the supposed Bigfoot found in Georgia by a couple of dumb dumbs is nothing more than a rubber suit that can be bought in any costume shop. SHOCKING!

Two dudes claimed they found the body of Bigfoot in Georgia. They even held a big press conference last Friday where Bigfoot's body failed to show up. The dudes plugged their website and a stupid Bigfoot hunting tour instead.

The owner of SearchingforBigfoot.com, Tom Biscardi, also got played by the two hoaxers. That's pretty fucking ironic since Tom is a Bigfoot hoaxer himself. According to Fox News, Tom paid an "undisclosed sum" to the hoaxers. He also sent a private investigator to Georgia to investigate the body. The PI found nothing more than a Halloween costume.

Tom immediately called the two dudes and they admitted it was all a hoax. They agreed to meet him at a hotel in California. When Tom showed up, they were gone. Bigfoot hoaxers on the run!

Yeah, I know. This is the most unsurprising news of the years. What's with all these fucking hoaxes lately? First came the Montauk Monster and now Bigfoot! Don't even get me started on that Chupacabra bullshit. These dumb bitch hoaxers need to stop playing with my emotions!

How dare Sarah Larson show her wax face around these parts. The Robot Call Girl should be in a classroom writing "I Am A Terrible Gold Digger" over and over again on a chalkboard.

It looks like she dyed her hair a lovely shade of bullshit brown. It still doesn't hide the fact that she has failed at life! She was well on her way to becoming my newest hero and she shattered my dreams!

Anyway, Robot Call Girl hosted a party at Tao in Las Vegas on Friday night. She told People that she's loving the single life and not dating Jason Statham despite the rumors, "It's working for me. I'm staying single. I'm not dating anyone right now. I've been focusing a lot on work and things are going very well." Translation: Robot Call Girl's agency knows she fucked up, so they aren't sending her out anymore.

Here's some pics of Robot Call Girl looking like an Asian robot call girl at Tao on Friday night.

Will Smith is always on top. Especially when he plays "hide the chalupa" with Tommy Girl. Anyway, Will Smith was the highest earning actor of 2007 according to Forbes. Will brought in $80 million last year. 10% goes to Tommy Girl's stupid alien society!

Pizza Face Diaz was the top earning actress with $50 million. Damn! And her skin still looks like the inside of Parasite Hilton's vag lips? Cammy should use some of that cash to get a skin transplant or some shit.

The top 5 overpaid dudes in Hollyweird are:

1. Will Smith - $80 million
2. Johnny Depp - $72 million
3. Eddie Murphy - $55 million
4. Mike Myers - $55 million
5. Leonardo DiCaprio - $45 million

The top 5 overpaid chicks in Hollywoodweird are:

1. Pizza Face Diaz - $50 million
2. Keira Knightley - $32 million
3. Jennifer Aniston - $27 million
4. Reese Witherspoon - $25 million
5. Fishsticks Paltrow - $25 million

It's a fucking sad day when Eddie Murphy and Keira Knightley are making that much money. I mean, Eddie Murphy was in "Meet Fucking Dave." WTF?!

And yes, Jennifer Aniston made more than Saint Angelina. Angie Jo made $14 million last year. Broke ass bitch! How the hell is she going to support her 85 kids on that measly salary? Bitch better get in line at the WIC office.

Visit Forbes to see the complete list

Why are dumb bitches still giving OmaGROSSA a platform for her fake foolishness? Yes, I'm at fault too. I'll dick slap myself later for posting this shit. Anyway, Wendy Williams had Omarosa on her talk show yesterday, and shit got heated right away.

OmaGROSSA was on to promote her book, "The Bitch Switch," and soon after sitting on the couch, she told Wendy she "would not be disrespected." Wendy responded by saying, "This is not the time for you to look for your moment." Wendy then reached for Oma's fugly book to show it to the cameras, but Oma snatched it out of her hands and said, "I'll hold my own book!"

The interview went on with Wendy calling Oma "a stereotypical black woman," and Oma telling Wendy that she looks like she had a nose job and that her wig is busted.

Wendy later told the Associated Press, "Omarosa wished her career was my career. Omarosa is a delusional, D-list, pathetic woman." Okay, I really do love Wendy, but that's the pot calling the kettle D-LIST!

OmaGROSSA is so hard to watch. I don't know why Wendy didn't grab that book and beat the smugness off of that bitch's face. I want to invite Oma over for dinner just so I can slap her with a drumstick. She just makes you want to punch a peach, and peaches are delicious!

Here's the clip of Wendy and OmaGROSSA from yesterday's show. And why are they both dressed like two Southern teens going to their prom?

VIA ONTD

Elisabeth Hasselbarf got all emotional on "The View" today while talking about the use of the "N" word. It all started when the group of hens started yapping about Jessie Jackson using the word in a news tape on Fox News. Elisabeth tried to argue that we all live in the same world and so nobody should use that word ever, because of the children. Think of the children!

That's when Whoopi turned on and told Elisabeth that we don't live in the same world, and that the word is only as powerful as we allow it to be. The fake bitch didn't understand this shit so she started breaking down.

You know when you hear bad news and you don't really care about it, but you think you should care about it, so you try and force the tears to come out? That's what Elisabeth was doing. Bitch needs to learn the "pull your pubic hairs" technique to bring on the real tears.

Ugh. She's so annoying! I just wanted Whoopi to calmly walk over and slap her in the teeth. That would've made the bitch cry for real.

Thank God for crazy ass Barbara Walters who saved the day with her zany tongue.