Fake Asses

Joaquin Phoenix said "BYE! GOOD" to Hollywood and told anyone who gave a shit that he was going to focus on music. And by "music," he meant homeless dude rapping. He debuted his sad hobo-on-a-subway act in Las Vegas a couple of weeks ago with his friend Casey Affleck documenting the whole pathetic show on camera. Now, two whores have told EW that Joaquin's new career is just a fucking 5th grade art project for him. A joke. A ha-ha. A funny. An "I got you." Like we didn't know that already?

One of the whores said, "He said, 'It's a put-on. I'm going to pretend to have a meltdown and change careers, and Casey is going to film it.'" The other whore piped in, "It's an art project for him. He's going full out. He probably has told his reps that he's quit acting. Joaquin is very smart. This is very conscious. He has a huge degree of control."

Art never looked so mangy.

Wouldn't it be so much fucking fun to just go around playing stupid ass jokes on everyone? Life is just one big fun game! I'm sure this shit is a stupid ass hoax, but Joaquin still has crazy bugs dropping crazy shits in his crazy brains. Joaquin needs to drop this fakery (also related to fuckery and faggotry) and go do something better with his life like re-grout my bathroom tile or teach my dog how to do the Macarena.

And Joaquin needs more people. Vanilla Ice already played that "I'm a white boy who can rap" hoax on everyone. Although, I don't think Vanilla has let us in on the joke yet.

Thanks Alia

WAKE UP and smell the lubed-up butt plug in your ass, Matthew! You've got a photo-op to fake smile for.

These two have the sexual chemistry of a dying salamander and white dog caca (StepBrothers 4 EVA). It's a good thing Matthew Broderick keeps a picture of a hard wang on his cell phone at all times, so he can glance it every few minutes to get an extra shot of energy or. Seriously, SJP and Matthew look like they would rather be getting a genital rub from Freddy Krueger. Their clothes even look miserable. Slap him with a dick and slap her with a carrot.

Here's Ladyhawke and his little pony telling everyone "We're holding hands! This means we're happy!" in NYC last night.

After going through a security check at an airport in Berlin, Tommy Girl created an eyeball rolling wave by kissing his robobride in front of the pappies. I'm shocked that the security equipment didn't burst into flames from the intense levels of fakery.

You can see the craziness swirling inside Tommy's eyes just before he's about to kiss a girl on the lips (ewwwwww). He's using his hypnotic alien powers to help him imagine Katie's mouth lips as David Beckham's dirt star. Or maybe he's picturing that pink gay bunny with an eyepatch that got thrown out of his premiere? Isn't it heartbreaking that they can't be together? Forbidden love!

Kim from The Real Hos of Atlanta is at Sundance because Park City probably has a really bad problem with rabid Mormon coyotes attacking tourists. They figured that if they invited Kim's mangy ass, rabies-ridden wig, the coyotes would stop biting the tourists because they'd be too busy trying to get one of their babies back from Kim's head. Kim had to have known that there was going to be some wild animals around that would try to rescue one of their own. But she probably figured that her mutant tarantula eyelashes would scare them off.

And not only does she have to worry about wild animals attacking her face, she also needs to fend off the groups of children that try to rip her head off because they are mistaking it for a Barbie Styling Head. Although, a Barbie Styling Head has a little more life in the eyes.

It snowed in NYC yesterday and I thought everyone was going to start farting hot cocoa with marshmallows in it, because I got a dozen e-mails, IMs and pigeon greeting saying shit like "OMG! It's snowing! So Christmas-ey! So Winter Wonderland-ey! So magical-ey!" Yeah, I must that admit, that even though my heart is made of The Grinch's snot balls, I still like snow times......for like ten seconds.

In NYC, snow is pretty for a few eye blinks and then it turns into icy smegma like the shit Nicole Kidman probably coughs up. It's not fun or cute trying to walk on frozen jizz. I never wear the right shoes in the snow either, so I end up grabbing on to walls, strangers, poles and anything that can keep my fruity ass from hitting the frozen ground. Froze fruit! I haven't fallen yet, but my time is coming. It always does. Especially since I've already laughed at a little girl falling on her ass. Yeah, I'll get mine and it won't be fun.

Oh and try to look like you care when you glance at these pictures of Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer in the snow last night. Unfortunately, they didn't slip and hit the ground. They look confused by the white boogers falling from the sky, though. Or maybe they are just trying to figure out a good "We Is So In Love" pose to give the paparazzi.

I'm surprised these two didn't combust from desperation. I know, I'm such a fake romance hater. But Jenny Aniston is gazing at John Mayer the same way I look at a 99 cent McDonald's cheeseburger or a 9 inch hard dick! When was the last time you looked at a dude that way? Gazes like this are only meant for delicious food products or big peens. Mayer is neither of those. A big bag of rubber vaginas, yes. But not a big peen. And she's looking directly up his nose and you know that shit is full of mocos. There's nothing romantic about that.

Anyway, Jenny has a movie coming out about a dog, so she decided it was time to polish off her "Ah's soooo in lurveeees" gaze and bring John Mayer out for a little surprise candid photo shoot with the pappies. If these pictures were black and white, they would look exactly like those fake ass photos that come with new frames.

Here's Jenny and John leaving La Esquina in NYC last night after having dinner with Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos. See! Kelly and Mark are behaving like a real couple. They aren't looking at each other and probably getting the dry heaves when they touch. That's real love!

It looks like the cherubs have one again struck two Gossip Girl cast members with the love arrow and now they are all sexy on each other. And by "cherubs" I mean the producers.

Blake Lively and Penn Badgley have already been dating for a while. Chuck Bass and that Vanessa girl are also some kind of couple. The latest showmance comes courtesy of Little Jenny and Chace Crawford.

According to Page Six, 15-year-old Taylor Momsen and 23-year-old Chace were spotted by some witness kissing during the Gossip Girl holiday party at Haven in NYC. The witness must have not seen the producer pointing two guns at their heads. If they were bumping tongues, then the producers are pedo-pushers! You know Pedo Bear was nearby doing the Cabbage Patch. He approves!

All of those dumb whores on GG are getting fake action and Dorota's bed is still cold! Where's the rumor about Dorota and Blair Waldorf holding hands while shopping at Home Depot? Now that's a showmance I can get behind.

The producers of the "Bachelor and Bachelorette" should really change the name of the show to "My Future Fake Ex." Another arranged couple has busted up. DeAnna Pappas confirms to InTouch that her contract with her "Bachlorette" pick Jesse Csincsak is up and they have moved on.

DeAnna memorized a bunch of words that were written for her and repeated them to InTouch, "I really felt like I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. I thought he was my fairy-tale ending. But after the show was over and we settled in to our normal lives, I slowly came to realize that we are two totally different people and it wasn't going to work out.

DeAnna is donating her engagement ring to charity, but is not giving up on finding another I still believe in love. More than anything, I want to find someone I can spend the rest of my life with."

Does this mean ABC is going to give this microwaved rutabaga another reality show?! Watching her on TV was like witnessing a snail taking a nap in slow motion. ABC should just air that instead. It's cheaper and filled with more meaning.

After, DeAnna "broke" the OMGSHOCKINGCRAZYINSANEWHAT news to InTouch, Jesse posted this award-winning performance on his YouTube account, explaining the break-up. Jesse digs down and really brings out that raw emotion in his performance. He even said that DeAnna told him "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." They are so fucking deep.

You're not Marylin Monroe, you're not Jessica fucking Simpson or silicone laden Pammy Anderson. Fuck, Heidi! Be yourself. Oh wait, you can't do that, because you're not nearly interesting enough for anyone to pay attention to for more than two minutes...... Wait, I'm paying attention to her.....but just ignore that unimportant fact and let's continue hating her.

And another thing, Heidi! Tell Ceiling Eyes to keep her shirt on, because her eyes aren't the only thing staring at the ceiling. Don't know what I mean? Look up some of her earlier "artistic" work.

Here's the little piece of walking peroxide soaked trash and the equally annoying wad of Nice N' Easy brunette shooting scenes for The Hills at The Grove in L.A. yesterday. Heidi is probably telling Ceiling Eyes how much she loooooves Twatty Pratt and can't wait to marry him in a fake wedding. That's obviously a bunch of caca. She doesn't fake love Twatty. If she did, she wouldn't be (NSFW) trolling craigslist for casual fuck sessions!

SPOILER ALERT! It's not like you give a dirty dildo anyway.

UsWeekly has some BREAKING NEWS! Heidi Montag wasn't always a pre-op horse and they have picture proof (above). No, the real non-news is that Heidi and that girl Lauren Conrad were spotted hugging at STK in Los Angeles last night. Lauren was there to celebrate her first fugly fashion show.

While Spencer was eating a bowl of shit at the bar, Heidi galloped over and asked one of LC's friends if she could hug her. Please. She was probably asking the production assistant if they were ready for the shot.

Heidi was allowed into LC's inner sanctum (smells like beef) and the two smiled, talked and hugged. I smell an EMMY (smells like beef)!!!

Now that Heidi and LC have made up, all wars around the world can now come to an end.

I'm sure we'll see this heartfart reunion on "The Hills." After they air the reunion scene, they will cut to LC going into work and being greeted by the happy robot Whitney. Whitney will say, "Heeeeey. How was your weekend?" LC will reply, "Oh my god. I hugged Heidi last night." Whitney will widen her eyes and say, "Oh my god. Really?" And then she'll get up and push a rack of clothes. End scene.

Here's a few pictures of Twit and Twatty leaving STK last night after the "reunion." She really has a face that only Mr. Ed could love.