Fake Asses

Ashley Greene celebrated her 24th birthday at Pure in Las Vegas on Saturday night and was surrounded by a sugary rainbow of sweet confections that made every hole in the room beg for a cavity search. And I'm not talking about that Candy Land mess of a cake. Joe Jonas was at Ashley's side for her party and she was on him like a fly on a sugar dipped cherry, and he was on her like....well...like dignity on a Lohan. Joe is keeping his hands at his side like Ashley is a beard made of vagina hairs.

Can't Joe give Ashley something to work with?! At least she's trying to hang on him like his dick is not letting out a "meh" from being that close to girl cooch. I mean, Ashley even tried to slap away the gay rumors by telling People that Joe doesn't know the difference between "vintage Coach" and Chanel. Bead, please:

At her 24th birthday celebration at Las Vegas's Pure Nightclub on Saturday, the Twilight beauty donned a form-fitting black cocktail dress and sported a gold Chanel charm bracelet on her right wrist. The latter was a gift from Jonas.

"The funny thing about it is when I got it, my boyfriend said it's vintage Coach – and I was like 'Thanks so much.' And then I put it on and was like, 'Oh my god, this is Chanel,' " Greene said, letting out a scream.

"It was very cute and sweet and adorable to me because my boyfriend gave it to me," she said. "Coach, Chanel, [it] makes no difference to him ... [But] I absolutely love it because he knows what I like."

Let's hope that Chanel charm bracelet had a Chanel key on it that opened a Chanel box to a Chanel vibrator, because that's the only way Ashley was going to have a birthday orgasm at the end of the night. But really, Ashley went a little too far with the "vintage Coach" shit. "Vintage Coach" is just a fancy way of saying "Coach bought from the bottom of a clearance bin at Filene's Basement." And there's no way Joe would ever strut his shit through a Filene's Basement.

Kim Kardashian has pushed Gabriel Aubry's peen out of her life and is no longer interested in riding his ride. Life & Style says that Kim is the one who canceled the contract dumped Gabriel onto the overflowing heap filled with her ex-pieces. Cut to Halle Berry doing the "CLEANSED OF THE SKANK" happy dance:

A source who I'm sure is not named Kris Kardashian says that Gabriel's hard-on just wasn't in the right place. Kim is the Snow White of fame fuckers whose heart flutters for genuine love while Gabriel was just grabbing onto the caboose of the Fame Whore Express and expecting a free ride to the spotlight. The source said it like this, "Kim feels like Gabriel was just using her for her fame. [Gabriel] is older than what Kim is looking for. So she's decided to stop seeing him."

If you slipped that source's quote into Babel Fish and translated it into Kardashianese, it would read: THE BITCH AIN'T GOT NO MONEY.

But don't cry for Kim, because her ESPY Award winning cooch is already dribbling on a new athlete dick. Specifically, the athlete dick belonging to 25-year-old Kris Humphries of the New Jersey Nets:

The same source says that Kim and Kris have gone out a few times and things are just casual for now. Well, I guess Kim is getting fucked by two Krises now. NO! It was too easy. But seriously, things are going to get really awkward when Kim screams "KRIS! KRIS! KRIS" while Hump Hump Humphries is hitting it from the back and her mother runs into the room. Actually, maybe it won't. I've seen the show. Mama Kris will just reposition the camera on the tripod and see herself out.

Ryan Seacrest, Julianne Hough and his family took a casual and totally impromptu stroll through the streets of Paris this morning and acted like they weren't just up in the hotel room furiously sawing off a couple of inches from the heels of her boots so she wouldn't be taller than him in case they accidentally ran into the paps.

And then the 99 Cent Store version of Blair Waldorf and Chuck Bass stopped for a second and she earned her holiday bonus by busting out a choreographed laughed just like they practiced! Only it wasn't a totally fake laugh since Julianne just thought about the time she walked in on Gaycrest rubbing his taint while watching The Soup. Gaycrest loves it when Joel McHale verbally bites at him.

Tony Parker, the newest inductee into Tiger Woods' Wandering Wang League, has issued a statement to People saying that contrary to what has passed over your eye balls Eva Longoria is not a scheming schemer who tricked him into not filing for divorce so she could do the honors.

"Eva and I have been discussing our situation privately. I was aware that she would be filing for divorce in Los Angeles. I did not file for divorce in Texas and did not hire divorce attorneys in either Texas or California. We plan to continue to keep our discussions of this matter private."

Since Tony puts it that way, how do I take back the slow clap I gave to Eva for pulling a brilliant stunt queen move? Ugh. Don't mind my ass, I'll be reverse clapping all night.

That whole "retiring from acting to start a career as a rapping hobo who houses a family of lice in his pits and a family of scabs in his dick bush" act that Joaquin Phoenix pulled 2 years ago was just that....an act. Casey Affleck, who documented Joaquin's supposed fast crawl into the gutter, made this shocking announcement to The New York Times. Fill out your "I Feel So Betrayed" cards and slip them into the box outside of Casey's office after class.

Casey says 99% of I'm Still Here is fake including Joaquin's awkward, pube pulling interview with David Letterman. Casey claims that David was not part of it and genuinely believed that Joaquin's brain had turned upside down.

The footage from "Joaquin's childhood" that plays at the beginning of the movie was shot in Hawaii with a bunch of actors. Casey went on to say, “It’s a terrific performance, it’s the performance of his career. I never intended to trick anybody. The idea of a quote, hoax, unquote, never entered my mind.”

I'm not sure if this makes me think that Joaquin is less crazy than before or more crazy. I'm going to go with the latter, because I'm Still Here is a peroxide job away from being Spencer Pratt's life story. No sane bitch would do that shit on purpose.

Actually, I take that back. Joaquin might have the right idea. Let's all stop bathing, act like dicks to everyone, snort a lot of lines, get fat, shit on our friends and hump on hookers.... And just when our family members are about to drop a 5150 on our asses, we'll be like, "JUST KIDDING! I WAS ACTING!"

When Chris Brown broke down in a theatrical hurricane of melodramatic emotions at the end of his Michael Jackson tribute at the BET Awards this past Sunday, some accused his ass of faking that mess for sympathy. They felt that Chris was manipulating bitches into forgetting how his fist made Alien Princess RiRi cry by crying tears himself. And now a source tells UsWeekly that Chris' eye jizz of redemption was completely manufactured.

The backstage source claims that right before Chris Brown went out on stage, his bodyguard handed him a bottle of tear-inducing eye drops. The source adds, "He rubbed it in and he started crying."

Chris denies this and his spokesbitch says that he "was moved by the opportunity to pay tribute to his idol." Um. Okay, but by ruining the song with his damn crying Chris was really paying tribute to himself. That was served with a severe Joe Jackson shank eye.

Do I believe that Chris would actually fake that shit? Sure. Do I think it matters if he did? Not really. Those who ate up his tears with a spork were probably already rooting for him before the performance. I don't think it really changed anything. But if Chris was faking it, why did he need a bottle of glycerin? All he had to do was stare at Prince in the front row for a few seconds. Prince's precious beauty and sweet sweet pucker brings us all to tears.

One of these is an empty-headed plastic toy with hair made out of synthetic fibers and breasts sculpted from a mound of melted orange Legos. The other is a cake.

Seriously, Katie Price is starting to make Harvey cry into his animal crackers, because her face looks like it's been embalmed with spray foam insulation and covered with several layers of beeswax. You just want to snatch one of her machete-like brows and use it to deflate her inner tube lips. Poor tortured Harvey already has to suffer by looking at Alex Reid's hemorrhoid face every day, and now he has to deal with this?! Harvey deserves a million gold-wrapped chocolate Noble Peace Prizes for what he has to deal with.

Anyways, here's Katie Price and her doll cake (wearing her old wedding dress) leaving her bachelorette party in London last night. Katie already married her cage fighting, cross dressing husband Roxy Baby in Las Vegas earlier this year, but she is throwing a bigger and Chavier wedding in England this weekend.

Another relationship that was born in ABC's bowels and pushed out of their asshole has been flushed down the toilet for good. Since the love affair I'm about to start with this Pop Tart sitting next to me will last longer than most Bachelor relationships, this is the direct opposite of surprising. But since pretending is fun, add another drop of butter to your cream cheese bagel (I know how you do) and just tell yourself you're drowning your sorrows in melted fat. I mean, you might as well get something out of this shit.

People confirms that Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi of the most recent season of The Bachelor have quit each other. A spokeswhore didn't give a reason for the break up, but they said this: “Jake and Vienna have split. They appreciate the respect for their privacy at this time.”

When Jake got on one knee and proposed to Vienna Sausage during the season finale of The Bachelor, I punched myself in the face for actually watching that fake shit. And then I figured it would only be a matter of seconds before Vienna Sausage was pawning that ring off in a shop off the highway in Florida somewhere so that she could use the cash to pay for her third nose rotation. While I do think it's a good idea that she sell that shit right away, bitch needs to use that money to fix her jacked-up wonk eyes instead of getting more plastic surgery.

Seriously, the Haylie Duff of Florida looks like an alley mutt with two little hot dogs dangling before her. One eye is trying to focus on the hot dog on the right, and the other is trying to eat up the one on the left. No wonder these two lasted as long as they did. Vienna couldn't clearly see him checking out other pieces of ass.

Since Vh1 has yet to greenlight Celebrity Mental Institution, Tila Tequila will instead hump the cameras with her goblin-bred fuckery on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. The fact that Vh1 still gets away with calling that shit Celebrity Rehab despite the absence of both "celebrities" and actual "rehab" is beyond me. But keep fucking that chicken, Dr. Drew.

TMZ says that Tila is the first wreck to sign up to the fourth season of Celebrity Rehab. It's going to be fun watching Dr. Drew try to find a cure for Tila's addiction to being a famewhoring delusional skank slut. SPOILER ALERT: There is no cure.

Even though the show now has an A-list media mogul in its cast, there's still a chance that it will never make it to production. Apparently, nobody wants Dr. Drew's help anymore. Heather Locklear, Charlie Sheen, Jenna Jameson and the creme de la crackie creme Lindsay Lohan have already turned it down.

If the show doesn't happen, can't they just lie to Tila and tell her the new season is shooting at the bottom of Eyjafjallajokull volcano? That will finally get Dr. Drew a Nobel Peace Prize. And if the show does happen, Dr. Drew needs to get Gary Busey to come back as a mentor and put him in a room with Tila dressed as a corn on the cob. Two chomps and the bitch will be gone.

Remember when Joaquin Phoenix was running around looking like a dingle-ridden matted hairball found inside Brit Brit's weave? Remember when he went full Courtney Love on David Letterman? Remember when he tried to become the Vanilla Ice of Skid Row? Well, as many of you suspected, it was all a hoax! Probably. Maybe. I think.

Deadline Hollywood said that a mockumentary of Joaquin's insane hobo adventures is making the rounds to the studio. The mockumentary was shot by Joaquin's friend Casey Affleck. Deadline Hollywood says this:

ME is selling the film, and it may only take a couple of days to reach a deal. I hear the agency and the distributors intend to keep the mock's content under wraps for as long as they can for maximum shock value. (So it won't be part WME Global's sales push at the Cannes Film Festival.) Presumably, the film answers Hollywood's bewilderment about whether Joaquin was serious about quitting acting -- or whether he was just, well, acting.

You know, I expect this kind of trickery from "performance fartist" James Franco, but not Joaquin! How dare he toy with our emotions like this. Those of you who spent your hard-earned booze money on sending Joaquin a hot comb and lice shampoo should sue Joaquin! Not to mention all those sleepless nights you spent devouring whole cakes to deal with the stress of worrying about Joaquin's mental state. That fupa bulge in your pants is Joaquin's fault. SUE HIM!

And Lindsay Lohan should force Ali Lohan to carry around a camera so she can tell people that she's not really a delusional crackhead who would fuck a maggot for an 8-ball. She's just acting for a mockumentary!