Penelope Cruz

What do you say when you're trying to stop a wedding? Is there any kind of official lingo? I guess, "That skank likes pussy!" will work. I'm going to need to know this just in case The National Enquirer (via dig spy) is right. They claim Penelope Cruz is going to marry Javier Bardem. This bitch has no idea.

A source claims Javier's momma, Pilar, told him to marry Penny, "Pilar took her son aside and told him, 'What's the matter with you? She's perfect! You love her, she loves you. Get married.'" The sourcie goes on to say that they will marry later this year. Over my skinny ass dead body.

Somebody help me put these razors in my hair. A rumble is going down. Penny could totally kick my dirty nalgas though. She would shout shit in her cockatoo voice and it would confuse the hell out of me and that's when she'd deliver the fatal blow. Yeah, I'm not fucking with that snatch.

2008 is all about sabotaging weddings. First, we have to hit up the Depp nuptials and now we gotta wreak havoc on Penny's special day.

Page Six reports that things are getting mighty serious between Javier Bardem and Penny Cruz. Javier flew his family in from Spain to meet Penny and attend the Oscars. Penny partied with Javier's hot mom (above) and wasn't afraid to feel up her man in front of the family.

A source said, "He took Penelope for a spin on the dance floor in front of all his family. It's getting pretty serious." This story is full of hurtful lies. Javier would never do this to me. Besides just because you dirty dance with a bitch in front of your family, doesn't mean you're going to share your social security number with them. Penny needs to go away and suck on Salma Hayek's chichis, because that's what she really wants in life.

I hope that Penny doesn't screw Javier over or there's going to be hell to pay. Look at Javier's mother. She may be all smiles and roses on the outside, but the woman looks like she could beat the hell out of a bitch with a fallen tree branch. My abuelita used to pull branches off of trees in the backyard to beat us with. I never understood this, because she could easily beat us with a broom or something, but for some reason she really loved hitting us with fresh tree branches. She was natural like that.

ScarJo, Penny Cruz and Javier Bardem apparently have a threesome scene in Woody Allen's "Vicky Cristina Barcelona." This would be majorly hot if ScarJo was not included. Her big titties will only distract from the heat between Penny and Javier. ScarJo and Penny also have a lesbian scene. I'm sure Penny was loving that. I hope Salma wasn't too jealous. She wants to be the only pair of enormous chi-chis in Penny's life. Her breasts don't like to compete.

A source told Page Six, "It is also extremely erotic. People will be blown away and even shocked. Penelope and Scarlett go at it in a red-tinted photography dark room, and it will leave the audience gasping." Gasping is a strong word. I don't think I've ever gasped in a movie. Well, there was that one time the popcorn kernel got stuck down my throat....if I ain't being too subtle.

Suri Cruise was conceived using the frozen sperm of L. Ron Hubbard! Many fanatical Scientologists believe this. Morton compares it to Rosemary's Baby "in which an unsuspecting young woman is impregnated with the Devil's child". Suri is the Alien Queen!

 

Tommy Girl is the #2 Scientology member in the world!

 

Tommy Girl has an extremely close relationship with Scientology leader, David Miscavige, and David even came to his honeymoon with Katie Holmes. GAY LOVERS!

 

When Tommy was falling in love with Nicole Kidman he told David he wanted to run through a field full of wild flowers with her. So David had his Scientology goons plant a field near Tommy's home. He didn't like it the first time, so he made them do it again. EXTRA GAY!

 

Nicole Kidman has kept her mouth shut, because she's afraid her audit tape will be leaked. When you join Scientology they "audit" your ass and tape all your confessions. It's mostly about your sex past and Nicole doesn't want that getting out. LESBIAN!

 

When Tommy was dating Penny Cruz, her father was afraid of the cult known as Scientology, so he emailed an organization that helps dealing with cults.

 

Tommy's next mission is to recruit David Beckham.

In case you missed it, here's a video featuring Penelope Cruz and her sister, Monica Cruz, being all slutty and lesbian-like. The video is for their brother, Eduardo Cruz's shitty song. In the video, Penny and Monica are dubbing a porn movie into Spanish. They also sort of kiss, but it's nothing hot. I get the feeling that these Cruz siblings really want to have a threesome with each other.