Penelope Cruz

This is the first trailer for Nine and it kind of has me feeling tingly for a couple of reasons. First, this shit has always been one of my favorite musicals ever and second, Daniel Day-Lewis DANCES! When I watched There Will Be Blood, I immediately thought to myself that it would be so much better if he was singing and dancing around the whole time. I mean, a musical number called "I Drink the Milkshake" would have been spectacular. Since that didn't happen, this is the next best thing.

Nine also stars a bunch of chicks who belong in this movie like Sophia Loren, Marion Cotillard, Penny Cruz and Judi Dench. There's also some hos (point at Fergie & Kate Hudson) who must have licked the right taint to get cast. When they hit the screen, that's when I hit the toilet! As for Nicole Kidman, the jury is still out on that bitch. I can't tell from the trailer if she moves her face or not. If she's able to frown even a bit, they should give her every award imaginable. That's a major feat in itself!

Salma Hayek, her miracle chichis and François-Henri Pinault all got married for a second time over the weekend in Venice. The first time Salma married money bags it was one of those fast weddings at city hall in Paris, so Francois didn't really get a chance to show everyone how really fucking rich he is. That's what the second wedding was for.

This shit looks like it was too fancy for my ass. I would've been asking for mini-bagel-pizzas and sparking Andre. Damn. I mean, they were even wearing masks. Rich people are so weird. I bet they had butt wipers wearing tuxedos in every bathroom stall and drank champagne out of crystal flutes filled with diamonds. I can't hate, because Salma that money, so she can buy the Isle of Lesbos and freely frolic on the beaches with her down-low partner in pussy Penny Cruz. Speaking of, you know Penny had to bite on a dildo when the preacher asked if anybody objected to this shit!

Here's all the fancies leaving or arriving at the Queen Chichis wedding. Guests included Anna Wintour, Penny Cruz, Javier Bardem, Gael Garcia Bernal, Lily Cole, Ashley Judd, Charlize Theron, Zhang Ziyi and Bono. When Salma's chichis fully cover from this party, she better do something about the swine flu. The cure is in her miracle chichis.

When Sally Farmiloe, the Chicken Cutlets of Britain, arrived at the BAFTAs in London tonight, every whore in that joint should have gone home. It was done as soon as Sally hit the red carpet. They should have bestowed all the awards on her and called it a night. Seriously, this is how you show you up to a fucking event. You put on your finest sparkles and throw your dignity in the trash! This is how it's done. And it's also nice to see that Tina Turner's "What's Love Got To Do With It" wig has a found a new home on Sally's head.

I wasn't joking when I said that all those whores should have quit that bitch when Sally arrived, because there was a whole lot of fug on that damn red carpet. It looks like a dump truck dropped trash all over that shit. Bitches looked beat! Below is a few pictures of the raggedy ass hos of the BAFTAs. Goldie Hawn is looking like she needs to take a good, long 2-hour fart. Actually, she might have let one out and Daniel Craig's piece got a good whiff of it, because she's smelling something nasty.

And the look on Penny Cruz's face in thumbnail #4 is the same face I've been making every time Kate Winslet wins something and goes on and on about how surprised she is. It's the "Bitch, stop acting like you don't win shit" face.

This is one of the first pitchers of Rob Marshall's Nine starring Daniel Day-Lewis and a bunch of broads. The picture needs a little visit from Photoshop, because it's looking like a pageant photo from Miss Drag Queen World 2008. In case you have no idea who some of those bitches are, they are from left to right:

Judi Dench (in the Suri wig), Penny Cruz, Marion Cotillard, Sophia Loren, Fuggie Fug, Nicky Kidman, Kate Hudson and some random trick in the back trying to sneak into the picture.

Of course, Nicky has to have the spotlight on her wax figure-looking ass. It's probably not even a spotlight. It's the toxic glow you get from too much Botox.

The people in front of Fuggie must be wearing raincoats and carrying umbrellas. Fuggie's got her legs open for business and she's a known squirter.

Wait...I think that's Daniel Day-Lewis' head down below in front of Fuggie's geyser hole.... I really, really hope he was wearing a gas mask.

Somebody give Woody Allen a jar of Gerber's tropical dessert baby food. He looks like he needs one. I just discovered that shit and it's delicious. I'm tempted to mix it with a shot of vodka for an extra kick!

Woody is currently in Cannes promoting his 1,245,678th movie, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, with Penny Cruz. Penny is so fucking gorgeous. No wonder Salma Hayek ALLEGEDLY went lesbian for her. I'd even go lesbo for her. Salma is probably only shacking up with that rich dude, so that she can take all his money and run away with Penny. They want to buy the Isle of Lesbos and change its name to the Isle of Gayelle.

What do you say when you're trying to stop a wedding? Is there any kind of official lingo? I guess, "That skank likes pussy!" will work. I'm going to need to know this just in case The National Enquirer (via dig spy) is right. They claim Penelope Cruz is going to marry Javier Bardem. This bitch has no idea.

A source claims Javier's momma, Pilar, told him to marry Penny, "Pilar took her son aside and told him, 'What's the matter with you? She's perfect! You love her, she loves you. Get married.'" The sourcie goes on to say that they will marry later this year. Over my skinny ass dead body.

Somebody help me put these razors in my hair. A rumble is going down. Penny could totally kick my dirty nalgas though. She would shout shit in her cockatoo voice and it would confuse the hell out of me and that's when she'd deliver the fatal blow. Yeah, I'm not fucking with that snatch.

2008 is all about sabotaging weddings. First, we have to hit up the Depp nuptials and now we gotta wreak havoc on Penny's special day.

Page Six reports that things are getting mighty serious between Javier Bardem and Penny Cruz. Javier flew his family in from Spain to meet Penny and attend the Oscars. Penny partied with Javier's hot mom (above) and wasn't afraid to feel up her man in front of the family.

A source said, "He took Penelope for a spin on the dance floor in front of all his family. It's getting pretty serious." This story is full of hurtful lies. Javier would never do this to me. Besides just because you dirty dance with a bitch in front of your family, doesn't mean you're going to share your social security number with them. Penny needs to go away and suck on Salma Hayek's chichis, because that's what she really wants in life.

I hope that Penny doesn't screw Javier over or there's going to be hell to pay. Look at Javier's mother. She may be all smiles and roses on the outside, but the woman looks like she could beat the hell out of a bitch with a fallen tree branch. My abuelita used to pull branches off of trees in the backyard to beat us with. I never understood this, because she could easily beat us with a broom or something, but for some reason she really loved hitting us with fresh tree branches. She was natural like that.

ScarJo, Penny Cruz and Javier Bardem apparently have a threesome scene in Woody Allen's "Vicky Cristina Barcelona." This would be majorly hot if ScarJo was not included. Her big titties will only distract from the heat between Penny and Javier. ScarJo and Penny also have a lesbian scene. I'm sure Penny was loving that. I hope Salma wasn't too jealous. She wants to be the only pair of enormous chi-chis in Penny's life. Her breasts don't like to compete.

A source told Page Six, "It is also extremely erotic. People will be blown away and even shocked. Penelope and Scarlett go at it in a red-tinted photography dark room, and it will leave the audience gasping." Gasping is a strong word. I don't think I've ever gasped in a movie. Well, there was that one time the popcorn kernel got stuck down my throat....if I ain't being too subtle.

Suri Cruise was conceived using the frozen sperm of L. Ron Hubbard! Many fanatical Scientologists believe this. Morton compares it to Rosemary's Baby "in which an unsuspecting young woman is impregnated with the Devil's child". Suri is the Alien Queen!

 

Tommy Girl is the #2 Scientology member in the world!

 

Tommy Girl has an extremely close relationship with Scientology leader, David Miscavige, and David even came to his honeymoon with Katie Holmes. GAY LOVERS!

 

When Tommy was falling in love with Nicole Kidman he told David he wanted to run through a field full of wild flowers with her. So David had his Scientology goons plant a field near Tommy's home. He didn't like it the first time, so he made them do it again. EXTRA GAY!

 

Nicole Kidman has kept her mouth shut, because she's afraid her audit tape will be leaked. When you join Scientology they "audit" your ass and tape all your confessions. It's mostly about your sex past and Nicole doesn't want that getting out. LESBIAN!

 

When Tommy was dating Penny Cruz, her father was afraid of the cult known as Scientology, so he emailed an organization that helps dealing with cults.

 

Tommy's next mission is to recruit David Beckham.

In case you missed it, here's a video featuring Penelope Cruz and her sister, Monica Cruz, being all slutty and lesbian-like. The video is for their brother, Eduardo Cruz's shitty song. In the video, Penny and Monica are dubbing a porn movie into Spanish. They also sort of kiss, but it's nothing hot. I get the feeling that these Cruz siblings really want to have a threesome with each other.