Just a few days before the spirit of a 13-year-old skater boy from the Midwest possessed Demi Moore's body and made her nitrous her way to a seizure, she was partying next to her daughter Rumer Willis in the VIP section at the dick cake party Miley Cyrus threw for her piece. Demi is officially that divorced mom who crashes her kid's birthday party in the basement and hands all the boys bottles of Mike's Hard Lemonade before ripping off her Juicy Couture hoodie to shake her concrete titty balls to a Lil' Wayne song. If you took away the whole "murdering her husband" thing, bitch would be Nicole Kidman in To Die For.
TMZ says that at Miley's party, Demi guzzled down Red Bull after Red Bull like those cans had the jizz of eternal youth in them. Demi partied with Rumer and her friends in the VIP section before leaving at around midnight. Some source says that Demi is wrapping her thighs around her fading youth and refuses to let go. A different source tells People that even Bruce Willis knew Demi was fucked up in a sad way and tried to get her help before she snipped Ashton Kutcher's leash.
When you're a 49-year-old woman partying it up with your daughter at a club and you've got a can of bull piss in your hand while your eyes are watching Miley Cyrus lick the pube beads on a dick cake, somebody needs to tell your ass that this is what rock bottom of a mid-life crisis looks like and you need to stop. Now, I'm not saying that partying with your kids is wrong. I've partied with some of my aunties and it's usually the best. They buy all the drinks and they designate themselves as the responsible driver. They also have your back when you have to punch your way through the bathroom line to drunk barf into the sink. But what they don't do is ruin the damn party by overdosing on whip-its. I swear, Demi should leave that kind of behavior to White Oprah. Get your own mid-life crisis, Demi!
So far (and according to the media), Demi Moore's medical file reads like that of a high school asshole whose idea of a good time is huffing from gas tanks before fingering his girlfriend in the bathroom of a Hardee's during his break. Because Demi apparently gets hungry for the sweet nectar, whip-its, Adderall AND Red Bull. TMZ is hearing that long before Demi whipped her way to a seizure, she ate Red Bull for breakfast, Red Bull for lunch and Red Bull for dinner. For 10 years, Demi has been obsessively riding the Red Bull daily, but some source says that in the past few weeks she's been replacing food with Red Bull. I think I speak for AssStain Kutcher and all of the Willis daughters when I say, MOM, you're embarrassing me!
Someone from Red Bull tells TMZ that Demi is so hard up for that nasty shit that they regularly deliver shipments to her home. A different source says that when Demi was partying it up with Tater Head recently, she kept booze out of her mouth, but kept her tongue in a Red Bull all night long.
Red Bull, really, Demi? RED? BULL? The period blood of an actual bull probably tastes better than Red Bull. You know when you're making out with some nasty drunk and he burps out a vomit-infused burp cloud into your mouth? That's what Red Bull tastes like. I wouldn't be giving Demi shit if TMZ says she was addicted to underground Four Loko, or if she was caught buying homemade PURPLE DRANK from Brit Brit's Cheetolings in the back room of their playhouse. But I just can't with her Red Bull addiction. What's next? We're going to see Demi on an episode of True Life: I'm Addicted to XBox360? I bet Demi's bedroom windows are covered in tinfoil and she uses Transformers bed sheets as curtains.
I'm sad that nobody told Demi that the adult way of handling a divorce from a total douchebag is to fuck the pain away. When you're down and out, let the teaches of Peaches guide you.
TMZ says that Demi Moore did have a seizure on Monday night, but it wasn't from downing a cocktail of coke, benzos and most of her liquor cabinet like most of us figured. They say that Demi and an Arizona junior high schooler who just got into Blur have a lot in common, because she was inhaling nitrous from a can when she slipped into a semi-coma. Yes, bitch was doing whip-its. I wish I meant that she was sucking fumes out of a Whippet's ass, but no. If Demi ever ran out of nitrous, she'd be walking on sunshine over to OfficeMax to get some computer duster like Allison's ass.
The source says that Demi was clouding her pain by inhaling whip-its and she ended up having a sort of seizure on the floor before she fell into a half coma. Even Lindsay Lohan is looking at Demi and thinking, "Broke trash!" You know, everybody's always screaming about how Demi is trying to hold on to youth by marrying a toddler, partying with her daughters and taking MySpace-like bikini pictures in her bathroom, but I shrugged all that off until now. Partying with your daughters is one thing, but drugging like a 14-year-old suburban kid is another. Grow up, Demi, and do coke off toilet seats like the rest of us adults do!
Hopefully, Demi gets the help that she needs, because going to the hospital for a whip-it overdose is not the way a 49-year-old should go through life. I can just picture Demi with Vicks under her nose and Limp Bizkit blasting out of her speakers. How dreadful. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get the sound of Devo out my head by sucking on a whip-it for old time's sake.
Demi Moore is getting it together in rehab right now after she allegedly downed so much of her drug of choice that it messed her up in a Call 911 kind of way. TMZ said last night that Demi was taken to the hospital because of a "substance abuse" issue, but Radar is saying this morning that it was more like a "not eating " issue. They heard from a source that Demi had an epileptic seizure in her house on Monday night and that's why the paramedics (or as my little cousin calls them, "the police doctors") were called. Radar also confirms that Judd Nelson and Ally Sheedy were the ones who called 911 right after Andrew McCarthy climbed up Demi's fire escape and torched through the bars on her window. Radar's source put Demi's meltdown like this:
"She collapsed after having an epileptic seizure. Demi is in getting treated for anorexia, as well as other issues that caused her seizure. She has not taken care of her health at all lately and has lost a ton of weight."
Meanwhile, People has a story this morning about how Demi partied hard with her daughter Rumer at a club in L.A. a couple of weeks ago. Demi went crazy, did shots off of Tater Head's chin, rubbed her 49-year-old body all over some 20-something who used to be on 90210 and shut the place down. So it sounds like only eating vodka and benzo soup with a cocaine crisp every day put her in the hospital. But I'm going to choose to believe the bullshit excuse her publicist gave that Demi is simply suffering from THE TIREDS.
Exhaustion is a real thing that affects four out of five celebrities at least once in their careers and we should really take it seriously. Jerry Lewis needs to put together a telethon and the celebrities who have overcome the sleepies need to speak out. #itgetsawakier
Ever since Ashton Kutcher broke the vows of an open marriage by getting caught dicking side piece after side piece, there have been rumors that Demi Moore was back to numbing the pain with the sweet nectar and she's been looking like she's barely surviving on kosher coke, hair strands and Kabbalahtinis. Well, it looks like she has been and that shit has caught up with her ass, because TMZ says that Demi was (cue the dramatic music) was RUSHED to the hospital last night after she had some kind of substance abuse issue. "Substance abuse issue" is just publicist talk for: Bitch went too far with the coke.
Some police insider tells TMZ that paramedics showed up to Demi's house in L.A. last night after somebody called 911. They looked her over for about 30 minutes and decided it was best to take her to the hospital. Demi was kept in the hospital overnight and she's seen been moved to a "facility" to get more help. Demi's publicist jacked all of us off when they said this:
"Because of the stresses in her life right now, Demi has chosen to seek professional assistance to treat her exhaustion and improve her overall health. She looks forward to getting well and is grateful for the support of her family and friends."
Exhaustion? Are we still using that one? I was unaware that we all time traveled back to 2004. Listen, we're all grown ass adults here, so a bitch can tell us that Demi is exhausted from doing Klonopin curls into her mouth and that she needs to improve her health by drying out. While Demi is drying out, I hope she sits on her bed and has a moment of clarity where she realizes that she's actually Heather Locklearing it over Kelso from That 70s Show. Kelso! All this for Kelso. If you're going to have a meltdown, at least have a meltdown over a non-douchebag.
Approximately six seconds after Demi Moore's marriage died and became a ghost that will jump into Whoopi Goldberg's body from time to time to haunt her, some people started asking if she's going to legally change her Twitter handle from @mrskutcher. Demi finally answered this highly important question after her followers kept hitting her with it. I appreciate Demi's Tweet, but only because she dipped it in bitch and rolled it in sarcasm before she threw it at her followers:
changing my twitter name isn't a top priority right now. sorry it bothers so many of u. should I not tweet until I do?does it really matter?
9 hours ago
Yes, it does matter, DU-MEEEE. There was a time when Demi couldn't even squeeze out a dusty queef without Tweeting about its grand exit first, so her Twitter account should be her top priority. There are some followers who stare at her handle and relive the painful memories of her and Ashton gushing at each other on Twitter. Selfish old bitch.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to register the Twitter names @primecougarpuss, @eatmykutcher and @mrsfuckthatbitchashtonkutcher, because Demi is obviously changing hers to one of those and I want to make top dollar when I sell one to her.
AssStain Kutcher is barebacking his way through the cream of Iowa's whore crop, but Demi Moore is the one who's winning the rebound game by getting glitter bombed every single night. What you're looking at is not only what you get when you morph Donny Osmond, Eric McMormick and Sal from Mad Men together. This is also the gaydar-breaking beauty who is leaving a thin layer of juicy fruit nectar on Demi's lips when he blows her an air kiss after each date.
Radar is trying to say that Demi has been dating beauty mogul (FYI: beauty moguls don't only exist in soap operas and late-80s movies) Scott-Vincent Borba for about a week now. So when Demi tells her friends that Scott gave her a hot facial last night, she really means that he scrubbed her dead skin off with honeycomb bits and lavendar-scented sea salt. (Although, I wouldn't be surprised if Scott-Vincent cums honeycomb bits and lavendar-scented sea salt.) Radar's source had this to say about Demi's new "romance":
“Demi and Scott-Vincent started dating last week. They have known each other a long time and he’s really been there for her by her side through the whole Ashton thing. It’s easy for Scott-Vincent to keep his relationships a secret because he’s so often photographed hanging out with celebrity clientele. But he’s head over heels for Demi and there’s definitely potential for a lasting relationship between them.”
Getting with an immaculately groomed gaydonis whose sugar walls are sweeter than theirs didn't work for Star Jones and Liza Minnelli, but that doesn't mean it can't work for Demi. I've always believed that somewhere over the rainbow, a cougar's true soulmate awaits.
I, for one, am dripping with jealousy. Scott-Vincent's eyebrows are so exquisitely beautiful that it's a shame they don't wiggle around like a tongue, because it would be nice to get some reciprocation when you make out with them. Not only that, but Demi gets to slip into a warm dream fantasy after Scott-Vincent serenades her with this at bedtime:
In case you haven't already figured it out, that tingly sensation you're feeling down below is just your b-hole winking at this video.
Who doesn't, right? Well, I don't really. I have the attention span of a toddler gnat with ADD, so it's hard for me to focus. Just knees flying everywhere, and perfectly synchronizing cum shots is an Olympic sport that I have never qualified for. That shit is like playing Twister while getting ass fucked. But Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore disagree with my ass (and other parts), because apparently they liked their fuck times with an extra cooch. A source type tells Radar that Ashton and Demi always kept their marriage wide open and would regularly pick up lady pieces for some apple bobbing. Every open marriage blind item just burped out an "urr durr" as the source said this:
“They would have threesomes. Demi liked women and Ashton would bring another woman into their relationship for flings, but they both agreed to it.
Demi is attracted to women just as much as men, so she didn’t always get all she needed from Ashton. That’s why she didn’t mind having women in the relationship as long as she was involved.
If he wanted to do anything as long as she knew about it she was fine. It was the sneaky ones when he got caught that infuriated Demi."
The fuck does "didn't get all she needed from Ashton" mean? I guess that means he couldn't provide the thrust that takes her clitty up, up and away. That makes sense when I put it that way. I mean, a little ass boy douche like Ashton cannot tame the heated hot pussy of a wild loose creature that moves like a brain-damaged kangaroo trying to give birth while boxing a swarm of bees:
If AssStain and Demi's marriage gave us anything, it's this priceless video that never gets old for me.
My fingers are practically numb with shock so I'll let Demi Moore knock the breath out of your being by giving you the news that has caused the CDC to issue a high alert now that Ashton Kutcher (the one wearing a huge black fur tampon cap in the picture above) is finally free to bareback as many hos as he wants out in the open.
"It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I have decided to end my six-year marriage to Ashton. As a woman, a mother and a wife there are certain values and vows that I hold sacred, and it is in this spirit that I have chosen to move forward with my life.
This is a trying time for me and my family, and so I would ask for the same compassion and privacy that you would give to anyone going through a similar situation."
Well, there comes a time in every mother's life when she has to let her child go out into the world by himself, so this makes sense.
But somehow this statement from Demi feels empty without a picture of her posing in her divorcin' bikini in front of her bathroom mirror. And I think what she really meant to say is: This is what my stupid ass gets for marrying the douchehole from Punk'd.
UPDATE: Ashton said this eye roll-inducing shit on Twitter: "Marriage is one of the most difficult things in the world and unfortunately sometimes they fail. Love and Light, AK" Every time an asshole signs off with "love and light," hate and darkness eats a kitten.
Any normal celebrity couple would answer to the rumors that their marriage has been drowned in a pool of crotch nectar from the husband's side piece by issuing a simple statement that reads: "True" or "Not true" or "Your business: mind it." But Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore aren't even in the same universe as normal and have answered to the rumors by dropping philosophical balls of shit and clues on their Twitter pages. Dumi's stupid ass wrote the first chapter of The Da Douche Code when she quoted Greek philosopher Epictetus days before Star Magazine said her marriage was lying on a table in the morgue.
"When we are offended at any man’s fault, turn to yourself & study your own failings. Then you will forget your anger."
The second chapter was written by Ashton when he Tweeted a link to his Spotify account where Public Enemy's "Don't Believe The Hype" plays. A few days before Ashton's Tweet, Demi Tweeted the picture above of her doing an impression of the current catatonic state of her marriage and she added the note: "I see through you."
This is what happens when your brain gets fed with too much Oprah. It makes a bitch think she's a regular philosophical performance artist. Rumer Willis, go poke at your mama with your chin and tell her she's won. We won't complain about her desperate bathroom bikini photo shoots as long as she promises to queef the wannabe Maya Angelou act from her being.