Demi Moore

It's like the before and after of a collagen embalming. You decide who's the before and who's the after.

The chemical aroma of melting plastic, burnt Shrinky Dinks and Turtle Wax was in the air at ArcLight Hollywood last night when Demi Moore looked deep into the face of her future on Cher's head. I'm sure that Cher and Demi have run into each other before in the lobby of a plastic surgery clinic, but both of their heads were wrapped in gauze at the time so they barely recognized one another. But at The AFI Night at the Movies last night they could finally bond over their mutual love of the scalpel. Cher probably told Demi that she really needs a third lip, because three lips are so much better than two. Demi looked at Cher's cheeks and told her that she really needs to put more CCs of silicone into those things, because if your face cheeks can't perfectly fit into a 32B bra, they're not big enough.

Looking at this picture makes me wish that Demi could really, really sing. Because if she could, these two could recruit Taboo from the Black Eyed Peas and start a Morticia Addams doo-wop group. If only.

And here's the lucky ones who got to bask in the plastic beauty of Demi and Cher. In order after D and C: Shirley MacLaine with Sally Field (doing the "friends at the prom" pose), Kevin Spacey (he really needs to rethink his toupee situation), Harrison Ford (he really needs to rethink that earring), Kathy Bates, Samuel L. Jackson and Kurt "I Want To Swim Naked Through The Silvery Hair Waves On His Head" Russell.

After Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore broke up over a year ago, she's been busy doing the rehab thing, riding the beat, pouncing on young pieces and living the life, so she really hasn't had time to file for divorce. When Ashton filed for divorce around Christmas, Demi shredded those papers up, stuffed them in her bong, took a few puffs and kept partying like it's spring break forever! But Demi finally put her cougar coochie in hibernation and sat down with her lawyers to fill out her own divorce papers. Demi finally filed today and in the papers she basically says that she wants the accountants at Two and a Half Men to deposit Ashton's checks into her checking account from now on, thankyouverymuch.

TMZ says that Demi isn't only asking for alimony, but she wants Ashton to pay her attorney's bill too. Ashton is the highest-paid actor in television and made $24 million last year, but apparently Demi Moore has way more money than him. I thought Demi blew all her money on lipo, tequila and young dick, so this is new information to me. Never underestimate the force of G.I. Jane residuals.

Demi's lawyers and Ashton's lawyers are currently trying to work out a settlement and TMZ doesn't think she's going to get a dime since her bank account bulges more than his does.

Nermal-faced philosopher Lil' Kim once said, "Why spend mines, when I can spend yours?" That's exactly what Demi is doing. Ashton Kutcher stuck his wandering douche dick in every 20-something trick from Escondido to Sacramento and so she's getting his ass back. Nothing will get the taste of his side pieces' twat juices out of Demi's mouth like gargling on the tears that will flow down Ashton's face when he has to write her an alimony check every month. No, Demi doesn't deserve alimony, but if she can get it, why not? If she does, she can pull a Brandi Glanville and use Ashton's money to de-Kutcherize her coochie by reupholstering it.

TMZ said a week or so ago that there was zero truth to the rumor that Demi Moore was nibbling on Lindsay Lohan's discarded and stale pink taco (not SamRo). The rumor was that Demi Moore is wrapping her cougar cooch around LiLo's old piece Harry Morton, heir to the Rock Hard empire and owner of the restaurant chain Pink Taco. A witness type tells Page Six that TMZ's sources are barfing out nuggets made of lies, because MoorMor is happening.

The witness saw 50-year-old Demi holding hands with 31-year-old Harry Morton while strolling through the Stanley Kubrick exhibit at LACMA in L.A. with friends including Russell Brand. Another source said that Demi and Harry have been friends for a million years, but that they've been getting closer (aka wet humping until the tube of KY goes dry) during the past few weeks.

Does Demi even work, like a job, anymore? It seems like when she isn't doing tequila shots off the shaft of Mexican salchicha in Mexico, she's making Lenny Kravitz uncomfortable in Miami and when she's not making Lenny Kravitz uncomfortable in Miami, she's holding hands with Lindsay Lohan's leftovers in L.A. Bitch doesn't work. All she does is party, fuck, dance, drink and hold hands. And now that she's dating Harry Morton, she gets free tacos too. So while she's feeding her taco, she gets to eat free tacos. Demi is living the dream.

While Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis shuffled around like two miserable blobs in sweatpants, Demi Moore shook her ass to "Buss It Wide Open" on top of a rattan ottoman next to a pool at a resort in Tulum, Mexico! While Ashton and Mila stared at each other across the eating table while slowly chewing their dinner of rubbery fish, Demi shook a can of Corona, opened it up and then sprayed beer all over her tits for the boys! While Ashton and Mila had missionary sex during commercial breaks for Nightline, Demi wore out her cougar coochie by hopping on young dick after young dick. Yes, Demi is getting it and how!

Some source tells Star (via Radar) that Demi spent Christmas week at a weight-loss bootcamp in Tulum, Mexico. The source says that the bootcamp was held at a fancy resort and usually successful women in their 30s and 40s go there to get spiritual and shit, but Demi went there to get some peen. One guest said that Demi brought many a young dude back to her room and woke up the entire resort with her loud cougar cries of ecstasy.

“Demi was clearly after younger men on this trip; they were all about 28 to 33. There were three or four older guys staying at the resort, fifty-plus, and I don’t think she talked to them at all.”

Demi is obviously just following Mexico's official country motto: "Don't Drink The Water, But Do Ride The Young Dick."

The source (who is probably a 50-plus dude) also said that Demi wanted everybody to call her "Topper."

"Demi wanted to be addressed by the name 'Topper,' an esoteric reference to a 1937 Cary Grant film in which a man lives his life to the fullest. Demi almost came across as, I wouldn’t go as far as to say bipolar, but up and down. Her back-and-forth behavior just kind of killed the mood.”

Topper didn't come from a Cary Grant movie. Topper is what Ashton used to call Demi whenever he wanted her to peg him. And this source sounds bitter. The source shouldn't hate Demi just because they were on a weight-loss vacation and she was on a dick-gain fuckation. They should know that it's always spring break in Demi's world.

Much like the newspaper boy from Better Off Dead, Demi wants her $2.00. FOUR WEEKS, TWENTY PAPERS, THAT'S TWO DOLLARS, PLUS TIP. Even though her ass is by far richer and more plasticized than Ashton Kutcher, the hold up in Dummy Demi Moore filing for divorce according to TMZ is her need for some of Ashton's cash. Okay, in our Ramen Noodle, store brand bread and Pabst Blue Ribbon worlds, Ashton is fabulously wealthy (yes, I just typed Ashton and fabulous in the same sentence, and yes, you should slap the shit out of me for that) but when you look at Demi's net worth, you see that #getmoneybitch doesn't really apply here. It's like Donald Trump rolling the valet for his $75 in tips for the day. Bitter much?

Sources say that they can't agree on the settlement, and she wants a fat one (don't we all?) like the one she got when she divorced Bruce Willis. Even though she is loaded in more ways than one, she's not just going to cut her losses and walk away like that!! In Ashton's dreams. While he has Mila Kunis on the one side screaming "Get rid of that funky chicken dancing bitch or no more pussy popping for YOU!" he has Demi on the other side screaming...well, some unintelligible shit because she's wasted on whippits and Red Bull. But the point of her screams is supposed to be DIDN'T ASK FOR A DIME....TWO! DOLLARS!!

It will be another six months until the divorce can be finalized, so we should be plenty sick of laughing at Demi's toddler rompers and dance NOs that make Lenny Kravitz and the rest of us cringe by then. GIRL, or more to the point, WOMAN who hasn't seen "girl" since the late 80's, please. Collect the shards of your dignity, quit acting like a spoiled little bitch, and find someone at least a little handsome to try to make Ashton jealous. NO. Seriously, I'm tired of being secondarily embarrassed for you Demi. Just act like a normal jaded slut, slash his tires, and MOVE. THE. FUCK. ON.

Being the (*prepare for eye roll*) caring gentleman that Ashton Kutcher is (*aaaaaaaand roll*), he waited an entire year for Demi Moore to file for divorce, because something about dignity and he felt she should do the honors. But because Demi has been too busy eating and spitting out 20-something dick to even think about filing divorce papers, Ashton Kutcher did it himself in Los Angeles today. Merry Christmas, Demi! Or if she's still wearing the red string, Happy Kabbalakuh, Demi!

People says that Ashton blamed their divorce on "irreconcilable differences" and he doesn't want any spousal support and he doesn't want Demi to get any either. TMZ says that Ashton wants to wait to figure out how they should split up their property.

So Ashton will most likely spend Christmas with his head buried in Mila Kunis' crotch.... And since Demi is boy toy-free and the Tater Sisters hate her right now, she's going to spend Christmas Eve in the inside of a dive bar in the San Fernando Valley where she'll drunkenly dance in the corner by herself to a Jimmy Buffett song while winking at the 22-year-old barback. It's going to be Demi's best Christmas ever!

I would say to chain your 20-something sons to the water heater and lock them in the garage, but that's a waste of time. They just can't resist jumping on Demi Moore's twerk train. They'll whittle their teeth down into shanks by biting through the chains and then they'll use their whittled down teeth to pick the lock on the garage door. When a single Demi comes to town, sticks out her ass, raises her leg and sprays her cub-luring scent, 20-something dudes just can't stay away. So just let them go and pray that they don't marry her ass, because who really wants to be Tater Head's stepfather?

Page Six says that Demi Moore is no longer rubbing her cougar cooch against the crater face of 26-year-old art dealer/trust fund kid Vito Schnabel, because he wants to be taken seriously as a SERIOUS art person! Vito dumped Demi right after she showed up in Miami for Art Basel, because he doesn't want the paparazzi following him around and he's mad that she kept trying to distract him while he was trying to do SERIOUS ART BUSINESS work! You know, it's kind of like when you got that part-time job at Blockbuster and your mom showed up during your lunch hour with a Subway sandwich and you're like, "Moooom! I'm trying to do SERIOUS MOVIE BUSINESS work! You're embarrassing me!" It's kind of like that, but instead of bringing him a Subway sandwich, Demi kept trying to fuck him on the spot. Some source said this about Demi's latest break-up:

“Vito has worked very hard to be taken seriously in the art business, and doesn’t want to be seen as somebody who dates celebrities. He hated having photographers follow him around after word got out about him and Demi. And Vito wasn’t too happy that Demi flew down to party at Art Basel while he was working to build his business. It was a distraction he didn’t need while all the big collectors were in town.”

Whatever, it's Vito's loss. Vito dumping Demi didn't stop her twerk. On Friday night in Miami, Demi and Stacy Keibler showed up to Terry Richardson's party. I'm so happy that Terry is 500 years too old for Demi and that she's 500 years too old for him, because I don't want to think about him spraying his peen paint on her eyeglass lenses at the end of the night.

If you looked at those pictures of Demi Moore twerking her coochie lips off yesterday, then I'm sure you still smell like burnt hair from your lashes getting singed by the heat she was serving. Well, say goodbye to the rest of your lashes, because here's some pictures of Demi's rumored piece giving us some "Alice the Goon farting after sucking on a lemon" hotness on Miami Beach yesterday afternoon.

26-year-old Vito Schnabel is the art dealer son of Julian Schnabel and there's rumors that Demi has been humping on him for a little while now. But while at some Art Basel event in Miami on Wednesday night, Vito told TMZ that he's not boning Tater Head's co-creator. However, a source tells Page Six that they are dating and Vito doesn't want it to get out, because he's a serious art dealer type and doesn't want to be known as Demi's cub. The source said, “Vito and Demi didn’t want to be pictured together. They want to keep their relationship as private as possible, and he is determined to be taken seriously in the art world rather than be known as a celebrity.”

Unless, Vito Schnabel finds a secret stash of Thomas Kinkade's final works, I doubt he'll ever be taken seriously in the art world. Any ho who says "I want to be taken seriously in the art world" out loud shouldn't be taken seriously in the art world. And Vito is dumb for not wanting to be photographed with this:

Demi should leave Vito in the kindergarten art room she found him in and find herself another dude. There's plenty of 20-something pieces who will openly and proudly hitch a ride on her twerk train.

When you come across a horny cougar in the wild and she busts into her mating call dance, it's best to sit really still and don't make eye contact, which is exactly what Lenny Kravitz did at Chanel's Art Basel party in Miami last night. I don't know if Lenny is flipping the photographer off for capturing this hilariously awkward moment or he's flipping himself off for putting himself in that position. Whatever the case may be, I see Demi Moore eyeing his middle finger the same way a cat-in-heat eyes the tip of a Q-tip. Jump it, ride it, break it, Demi.

Demi was at the Chanel party with her new 20-something piece and when she wasn't sticking her tongue down his mouth hole, she was riding the beat bareback-style. Lenny Kravitz looks like a cross between a kid who's embarrassed by his mom and a tortured prisoner who is too stunned to move. It looks like Demi is doing the Stanky Leg, the Funky Chicken and the one-ho Lambada all at once. Stacy Keibler should be taking notes, because if she served moves like that to George Clooney, he would've married her a million times over by now.

And no, the dude in the navy blazer doesn't speak for us all. I don't ever want Demi to stop. Because the beat stops if Demi isn't whipping it with her hot, sweet moves.

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher still haven't filed for divorce from each other and a couple of tabloids say that she wants him back, and sometimes cuddles with a bottle of douche to remember what it's like to spoon with him. But Page Six says that if Demi is crying out tears for Ashton, then she's using those tears to lube herself up for fuck times with her new dude Vito Schnabel. Demi is 50 (cut to Demi kicking, stretching and kicking) and Vito Schnabel is 26 (in Lohan years, obviously).

Vito is the art dealer son of painter and filmmaker Julian Schnabel, so he's around famous types a lot. Vito is also used to being the cub, because he dated Elle Macpherson when he was 21 and she was 44. A source says that Vito and Demi have been hanging out for a few weeks. Earlier this month, guests at a birthday party in India for Naomi Campbell's hot billionaire boyfriend all watched as Demi and Vito got down on the dance floor. The source said that as Diana Ross performed, Demi and Vito "were dancing and grinding all over each other, openly, in front of other guests."

If you need a visual of Demi and Vito throwing down some sweet, sexy moves on the dance floor, then press play on a classic (you knew this was coming). Demi will play the part of Demi and Ashton will play the part of Vito. (If for some reason, you need a visual of a zombie having a seizure while red ants attack its armpits and b-hole, this video will give you that visual too.)

I can't fully hate on this. Demi and Vito look good together, and that's mostly because they both look like root vegetables molded out of clay. They're also a good pair, because Demi can use her razor sharp cheeks to cut away any rogue hairs from Vito's perfectly pruned brows.