John Mayer

John Mayer was partying at Butter in NYC last night when he surprised the paparazzi with food. Feeding the enema (typo that I'm keeping), I see. John ordered takeout for them and came out to pay for it. This bitch must have been stoned or drunk. If I was a pap, I wouldn't eat that crap. Anthrax! John probably wants them to do something for him. He probably wants them to only take shitty pictures of Jessica Simpson.

Speaking of, while John was sucking up to the paps, Jess was out to dinner across town with Tony Roma's. I know his name is Romo, but I always think of Tony Roma's ribs when I see his name. Jess was also escorted by some hot, orange pepaw.

Tony Romo, Dane Cook and John Mayer were awarded with Cosmo's Fun Fearless Male Award today in NYC. All three of them have also been with Jessica Simpson at one time or another. I'm sure they stood around the bar trading sex stories. Actually, they probably asked each other, "Did Papa Joe insist on watching you with Jessica too?"

Dave Salmoni, Peter Krause, Dave Annable, Tom from MySpace, John Krasinki and Common were also honored. I'm sure one of them will be one of Jessica's future exes too.

Paris Hilton doesn't get everything she wants. Page Six reports that at Sony's Grammy party Paris tried desperately to get John Mayer to pay some attention to here. Witnesses say she was "following him around and dancing, trying to get him to look at her." She danced for him? That was her first mistake. The people in "The Sims" dance sexier than her wonk ass.

A witness said that he kept ignoring her, so she stepped it up. "At one point, she sat at a table and tapped on the seat to motion him to sit next to her. John politely sat for less than a second before ignoring her and moving to chat with a group of friends." John must have not paid his premium this month. I'm surprised to learn that Paris' pick-up tactics are kind of demure. I would expect her just to go up to a dude and immediately sit on his face.

Paris also wasn't having a good time a few nights before. She reportedly got into a bitch fight with Lindsay Lohan. The two desperately want to work with Timbaland and were fighting over him at a pre-Grammy party. They think Timbaland could "revive" their music careers. I don't think the dude from "Pushing Daisies" could even revive their shitty ass careers.

Lindsay shouted to Paris, "What the hell is that bitch doing here? I didn't know she was on the list." Paris responded with, "Fuck off, you bitch!" Tres Mean Girls. I think everyone in the joint then shouted, "Fuck both you bitches!"

John Mayer stripped down and got into Borat's infamous neon thong onesie to take a jog around the Mayercrafter Carrier (The John Mayer Cruise) this past weekend. John really should have gotten a boyzillian before going out in public like that. I'd definitely hit it, but I'd have to take a trimmer down there first. I fucking hate pubes getting stuck in my mouth.

There's more pics at That's Blogastic

VIA ONTD

Not John Mayer! The airline escort lady. Love her. She reminds me of every office lady I ahve ever worked with. This lady looks nice, but she probably bitches and moans about everything in the staff lounge. She complains about people keeping their food in the fridge too long, not cleaning up their shit or eating her last Yoplait Whips! Well, she was looking forward to eating it all day. She's thinking about it while talking to Mayer. You can tell.

Her hair is hot too and I guarantee you Posh will be working this "office hairdo" by the Spring.

Here's John Mayer being a douche at LAX yesterday.

Splash

John Mayer is done blogging. It all started when he deleted his blog post where he defended Jessica Simpson from the Texas football fans. Now he's completely deleted all his posts and only put this up.

"There is danger in theoretical speculation of battle, in prejudice, in
false reasoning, in pride, in braggadocio. There is one safe resource,
the return to nature..."

John, put down the bong and close your laptop. Do not toke and blog. Well, that's that. He had some entertaining blogs, but that's that. At least we still have Rosie.

John Mayer defended his ex, Jessica Simpson, on his blog yesterday. John titled it "Don't Ex With Texas" and shot back at the Dallas football fans that think Jess is the cause of Tony Romo effing shit up.

John wrote:

I have never known anyone to have more pride in their home state and their upbringing in it than Jessica Simpson has in Texas. I don't really follow sports, but I have played some of my biggest and best concerts in your state, and having witnessed how dynamic the spirit there is, I'm betting emotions are running high right about now.

All witty barbs, blogs, and fashion policing aside, that girl loves Texas more than you know. It's one of her most defining traits as a person. So please don't try and take that away from her. (You probably wouldn't be able to, but it's less work for all involved.)

I just thought it would mean something coming from the guy who has the absolute least to gain from this. And if I'm out of line in having written it, too bad. I can spare a Wednesday's worth of bad press if it means sticking up for a good soul.

Papa Joe made him do it. You know it's true. Blackmail!