John Mayer

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer were caught kissing backstage at one of his concerts in Orlando last night. A source told People that Jenny was backstage during the show and John came back to kiss her before his encore of "Free Fallin'" by Tom Petty. Free Fallin?! Cue band! "And I'm free, free fallin, yeaaaaah I'm freee..." I don't ever want to hear John sing that shit.

OK! claims that this is more of a casual thing for John. A friend said that John just can't stay faithful. The source said, “John says that Jen and he have a physical connection as deep as their spiritual one. But he also said he’s categorizing this as a summer fling for now.”

DUH! Jen is already picking out her wedding invitation paper. She's also turning her home office into a nursery. Shit, she probably already bought their side-by-side burial plots. Mayer, just lie to her. Lie to her!

Below are some pics of Jenny and Johnny leaving Miami for Orlando a few days ago. Johnny is handling her dog. You know what that means! Yeah, it just means he's handling her dog.

John Mayer is back in Miami with Jennifer Aniston. He probably got sick of her burning his cell phone up 100 times a day. The eHarmony couple reunited on the set of "Marley & Me." Page Six reports that the two immediately starting making out. Damn. Aniston hasn't gotten this much action since....ever! She's used to men giving her a peck on the cheek and leaving her with the check.

Page Six also claims Mayer was caught "canoodling" with a blonde five days ago and it wasn't Jennifer Aniston. Scandal! Already cheating on her. Please. Mayer "canoodles" with everyone. Instead of shaking the hand of someone he just meets, he canoodles with them. He's a canoodler.

Here's Jenny and John having a gay old time at the pool of the Mandarin Oriental in Miami. Aniston is only laughing, because Mayer just pissed in the pool and it's all warm and shit. You know he totally does that.

.....wear it! John Mayer was given a "Mr. Douchebag" t-shirt by a fan last night. He put it on, scribbled "Douchebag" out and wrote "Badass" instead. It was right the first time.

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer have gone on like 2 dates or something and Jenny's friends are already claiming she's falling love with his ass. While Jenny sat by the pool in Miami this weekend, Mayer was in NYC. She was reportedly texting and e-mailing him to come back to Miami. Somebody send this bitch a copy of "The Rules."

A source told the Daily Mail, "She's really into John, and the nine year age difference doesn't bother her for a second. Jen's already telling friends she's falling in love with this guy. Jen's really hoping he can spend more time in Miami with her. She just wants to see a lot more of him. This was definitely not a one-off thing as far as she's concerned."

Desperate! Jenny is not playing this correctly! She needed to go out this weekend and get caught "canoodling" with some other man. Play a little hard to get. Damn. If that Blackberry she's holding proposed marriage to her, she would yes.

Here's some pictures of Jenny sitting by the pool planning her wedding to Mayer in her head. She totally is.

Jennifer Aniston's new maybe man, John Mayer, got his haircut in NYC yesterday and blogged about it. On his blog, John said his new haircut was inspired by Michael J. Fox, Shaun Cassidy, Mary Lou Retton and Kristy McNichol. John is trying to make the joke before anybody else does.

He wrote, "Today I set off on my newest project; to grow and maintain an authentic ’80s style feathered haircut. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for some time and I’m very excited to bring this amazing look into today’s pop culture landscape."

Yup, he's the perfect douche for Aniston. She probably laughs till she pees at jokes like that. Well, she would laugh at his jokes even if she didn't think he was funny, because she wants to keep him around. Her bio clock already went off and she's out of snoozes.

Page Six reports that John went out in NYC on Sunday night and was very well behaved. A source said, "He just hung out with his friends, and wasn't flirting with any girls." He wasn't flirting with them, because he's already done them. He's a major whore!

Awww....I hope this is one the for Aniston. You know she's already pasting her face and John's face on to wedding pictures in magazines. She puts it up on her "inspiration boardl" along with pictures of what she wants her baby to look like.

InTouch Weekly has pictures of Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer laying on each other in Miami. You can tell Aniston is thinking, "OMG! A man is actually touching me! Am I dreaming?" John is thinking, "How totally awesome is my new tat sleeve. It's so rad!"

The pictures are from Jen and John's Miami date over the weekend. A source told OK Magazine that they've been on three dates together. Is this a record for Jenny? The source said, "It's a very new thing. They're still in that 'getting to know each other' phase." Friends are warning Jenny that John has a record of leaving women heartbroken.

Let Jenny have her fun! The bitch needs real cock in her life! I hope she froze his condom sperm, because I doubt there's going to be more dates. Well, she probably talked about her arch rival, Maddox, the entire time. That's a total mood killer.

And that picture of Star and Gay Al is too precious for words.

Source: Cover Awards

John Mayer and Jenny Aniston had lunch in Miami yesterday which means she's either knocked up or they are getting married. Actually, we're talking about Aniston here, so it's probably their first and last date. Well!

The GM of the joint they were eating at told People they were very close and their heads almost touched. OMG! He probably witnessed the conception of their first baby together.

I know you're pulling your pubies out wondering what they had for lunch? She had a "chopped chicken salad, while Mayer had a Serrano ham sandwich which "Jen ate some of." I'm surprised a food expert wasn't brought in to tell us what their food choices say about how they feel about one another.

Jen and John were also seen leaving another restaurant later that night. He had his arm around her. He was probably giving her the "It's not you, it's me" speech. It was lovely while it lasted.

I bet they met through Facebook. She superpoked him and John actually answered! She probably superpokes everyone though. Check your Facebook. I'm sure you've been superpoked by her.

John Mayer always keeps a bottle of Xanax on him just in case he has a bitchy freak out. He told Best Life Magazine that after his first major anxiety attack he realized he needed help from a little pill, “You can create dark neighborhoods in your mind as easily as you can create rural wonderlands. And the day I realized that was one of the worst days of my life. It sent me on quite a spin. I went on a bender. An anxiety bender.”

He doesn't pop it all the time, but just when he needs to chill out, "Because there are these incidental kinds of loopholes in my brain, where the wires can cross for a second and the hard drive crashes.”

Uh...huh...yeah. Give me a few of those Xanax, because that's the only way I can deal. Does John pull that asshole talk on chicks he tries to pick up in bars? I'm sure tramps totally squirt over that kind of language.

Xanax never worked for me. Who needs Xanax when you have weed and Ovaltine?

VIA Page Six

John Mayer wrote a blog the other day to an "ex lover" where he told them to stop calling his ass and that he didn't want them in his life anymore. You can click here to read the original post. Many thought John was talking about Chestica Simpson, because we know how annoying she can be. It would make sense.

John has taken to his blog again to clear up his original post.

The blog - copied from my lyric/idea journal, is all about the P.S. - it's a writing technique called "deceptive resolution"; you think the story is going one way, only to find that it twists around at the end, using all its momentum to swing in another direction. In this instance, the writer of the missive is saying in as many certain terms as possible that he does not want to see his ex anymore. At the end, the P.S. leaves that all too common contradiction in terms that makes love so messed up. I call it "I wish you were here so I could tell you to leave".

This actually has some pretty far-reaching ramifications. How will I write an entire record of lyrics when one small blog passage incites so much curiosity? Can I write a song because of somebody but not about them? By way of my experiences but not as a sordid retelling of them? Because if I can't, I need to rewrite the last line to my new song "Boning you on my helicopter".

Huh? I don't think John even knows what he's saying. John, next time just save of us all the trouble and preface your posts with "don't pay attention to any of this, because I am a douche tool." It would make things so much clearer. I must admit that the part of boning in his helicopter sort of made it tingle.

John and the paps sitting in a tree d-o-u-c-h-i-n-g! That's too many letters, but you get the gist. The paps gave John Mayer a little pressie outside of Hyde Lounge last night. They gave him some Tinactin for itching. John has joked to the paps before that he has severe jock itch. John loves him some paparazzi. They should get married, move to the suburbs and raise kids. They want to do each other bad.

In other Mayer news, The Sun reports that John blogged about an ex-girlfriend and they think it's Jessica Simpson. I checked his blog and I didn't see any of this shit, but I'll take The Sun's word for it. You know, because they would never tell a lie. John blogged about some song lyrics he wrotes while waiting for a flight. He said to not read too far into it.

"Dear Ex Lover,

"Perhaps you didn't understand the last time I told you to stop contacting me, so I'll do my best to spell it out for you. I do not wish to have you in my life anymore.

I don't know how much more clear I can be about it. It would serve you best to move on with your life and find someone who can put up with you, because I'm done trying.

"I hope this is enough closure for you.

"Goodbye.

"P.S. If you need me, you know how to find me."

Chestica! Stop calling John. You have a new fake romance now. I'm going to tell Papa Joe on you and he's going to bend you over and give you a few slaps. Your pain is his pleasure.