John Mayer

Jennifer Aniston is already dickmatized! Good dick makes you do stupid things like give up your car keys to the douche you're boning.

John Mayer was driving around in Jenny's SUV today. He ended up back at her place with an overnight bag. I bet you he didn't even fill up the gas and left a wet spot on her driver's seat! What's next? She's going to let him piss with the seat down? I must admit that pissing with the seat down is great fun because it splashes everywhere like a pretty fountain.

In other FerMan news, the two are planning on getting matching tattoos! A source said, “John had the idea that they should both have a ‘J’ tattooed in a secret place as that is both their first initial. Jennifer is really keen on the idea but is going to wait a few months. He said she’s in great shape and her skin is like a baby’s bottom."

She totally burst into tears when he said the word "baby." I guess Courtney Cox forgot to tell him that word must never be used around Jen. NEVER!

It's getting seeeeerious. Jenny Aniston brought John Mayer over to Courtney Cosucka's Malibu house yesterday. Court must be thrilled that Jen has finally found someone. David's getting sick of Jenny always spending the night and insisting she sleeps in between them.

I wonder if Jenny's showed John her Angelina Jolie voodoo yet? That's the real test!

You know Jenny made sure the paps got a good picture of her hugging her new man. She's totally fake laughing in the picture above. John is like, "What's so fucking funny?"

UPDATE: John isn't hugging Jenny in these pics. It's some other hag. He's totally cheating on Jenny on her turf! Cold.

Yesh, I would. Only because it's rumored that the dick is major. I would have to sit in a bath of nail polish remover afterwards to get the Simpson smegma off of me.

We would also have to "shave 'n fuck." That hairy patch on his belly is distracting. I don't mind landing strips, but that shit needs a little maintenance. I bet his peen bush is like the damn amazon jungle. You need a machete to get through that mess. I guess Jenny Aniston doesn't mind pubies between her teeth. Beggars can't be choosers!

Here's John in Hawaii this past weekend. Jenny wasn't with him. He needed to spend time with the "boys."

John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston have been keeping their relationship on the down low for at least three months prior to going public. That's what Page Six claims. Jenny and John went public earlier this month, but a source said they have been dating for much longer than a month.

The source said, "They'd been keeping it under wraps and hiding out together on their dates. Then Jen realized it wasn't just a fling and decided to take it public." Let me guess, this source's name is Emma Gellar? Emma was the name of Rachel and Ross's baby on Friends. Why do I know this crap?

They've been together 4 months? That's like 4 years in Hollywood time. They should already have a baby on the way, a wedding in the works and at least 3 break-up scandals under their belts. Get with the program, Jenny! Bitch needs to hire Papa Joe.

Too bad the wedding was fake and the groom was Owen Wilson and not John Mayer. I'm sure in the privacy of her trailer, Jenny made Owen wear a Mayer mask just so she could pretend.

Anyway, Owen and Jenny filmed a wedding scene in fake snow on the Pennsylvania set of "Marley and Me" last night. I've seen so many pictures from this movie that it feels like I've already seen it.

In other old maid news, Jenny has been telling friends Mayer's sexay time skills are better than Brad Pitt's. A source told The National Enquirer (via Showbiz Spy), “Jennifer is calling John the best ever lover. In fact, she can’t stop raving about his skills between the sheets - insisting the sex with him is way better than it was with Brad during their four-and-a-half-year marriage.”

Don't listen to anything Jenny says! She's not thinking clearly. She's dickmatized.

John Mayer was shopping at a camera store in Los Angeles yesterday when a fan asked him for a picture. Mayer agreed to pose with her for $10. The fan agreed and paid him. $10 for just a picture?! Eff that! If I'm paying $10, I also want a nip and prostate tingle. Hopefully, he's using the $10 to fix that 80s "don't ask, don't tell" haircut.

Fuck! It's like the word "douche" was just invented for him. Even Mickey Mouse is pointing at him and saying, "Ha ha! Look at that douche!" That being said, I'd let him give me a nip and prostate tingle for free. Ok, I'd pay him $20. Ok, I'd pay him $20 and throw in a chicken and biscuit dinner.

Below is video from Hollywood.tv of Major Douche charging a fan $10 for a picture with him:

Friends of Jenny Aniston told Full Disclosure that she can't stop giggling. One friend said, "She's just so happy and giggly. It is completely out of character." Yeah, she's usually a miserable bitch. The reason for Jenny's newfound happiness is of course John Mayer.

One ex of Mayer's said that he makes all his girlfriends happy and he's really hard to get over. Not because he's such a great guy, but because he's a really "great" guy. What the hell is this ex talking about? I only speak in slut talk! Give me the goddamn specifics.

The ex went on to say, "His body actually is a wonderland." Who the fuck says shit like that? I'm guessing we're talking about his dick size. My dickdar skills tell me Mayer is about a 7, average thickness with floppy, fat nuts. I'd say he's nothing to scream about. I'd have to give it a test drive to confirm.

I also doubt Jenny cares about dick size. She's just happy to be with someone that actually returns her calls.

John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston took their love to NYC last night. They entered the Waverly Inn separately even though they came together. Celebrities are so weird. They act all secretive and shit. We know they are bumping fuzzies.

Jenny brought her lucky baby blanket. It's her good luck charm. She likes to have it on hand just in case Mayer pops the question. That way she can bite into it and jump up and down like a little girl. That's how she rehearsed it after her first date with John. Yes, I know it's a pashmina! Let me have my fun. FUCK.

These two are so strange together. What the hell do they talk about? Mayer probably just tells lame jokes and Jenny laughs at them for like 5-minutes straight. She fakes laughs so hard she queefs.

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer were caught kissing backstage at one of his concerts in Orlando last night. A source told People that Jenny was backstage during the show and John came back to kiss her before his encore of "Free Fallin'" by Tom Petty. Free Fallin?! Cue band! "And I'm free, free fallin, yeaaaaah I'm freee..." I don't ever want to hear John sing that shit.

OK! claims that this is more of a casual thing for John. A friend said that John just can't stay faithful. The source said, “John says that Jen and he have a physical connection as deep as their spiritual one. But he also said he’s categorizing this as a summer fling for now.”

DUH! Jen is already picking out her wedding invitation paper. She's also turning her home office into a nursery. Shit, she probably already bought their side-by-side burial plots. Mayer, just lie to her. Lie to her!

Below are some pics of Jenny and Johnny leaving Miami for Orlando a few days ago. Johnny is handling her dog. You know what that means! Yeah, it just means he's handling her dog.

John Mayer is back in Miami with Jennifer Aniston. He probably got sick of her burning his cell phone up 100 times a day. The eHarmony couple reunited on the set of "Marley & Me." Page Six reports that the two immediately starting making out. Damn. Aniston hasn't gotten this much action since....ever! She's used to men giving her a peck on the cheek and leaving her with the check.

Page Six also claims Mayer was caught "canoodling" with a blonde five days ago and it wasn't Jennifer Aniston. Scandal! Already cheating on her. Please. Mayer "canoodles" with everyone. Instead of shaking the hand of someone he just meets, he canoodles with them. He's a canoodler.

Here's Jenny and John having a gay old time at the pool of the Mandarin Oriental in Miami. Aniston is only laughing, because Mayer just pissed in the pool and it's all warm and shit. You know he totally does that.