John Mayer

Most dog owners have a rule that if you don't become BFFs with their dog(s), then the fuck party must come to an end. It doesn't look like Jennifer Aniston is one of those dog owners. Gatecrasher says that Jenny did not bring her dogs, Norman and Dolly, to NYC while she promotes Marley & Me, because John Mayer would probably strangle or curse them out. He apparently hates hates haaaates them. So Jenny left them in Los Angeles, probably because she's dickmatized. And when you're dickmatized, the dick rules all.

A source said that John even hated Jessica's Simpson's angel of a dog Daisy. There's a special place in the toilet closet in hell for people who hate Daisy Simpson.

Jenny's spokeswhore said the story is made of a million lies, but I believe it. John Mayer probably farts at anything that takes the attention anyway from him. When Jennifer brushes her teeth, he totally yells at her fucking toothbrush. He's gross.

As a dog owner, I've never met a dude who didn't like my dog. It's mostly been the other way around. They like my dog better than they like me. They come over to hang out with my dog and leave me in the fucking corner like I'm a damn fern. My dog knows it too. He gives me looks like "Yeah, bitch. I got yo man!"

I honestly don't think I'd ever find a dude who liked me but didn't like my dog. I mean, my dog and me are so much alike. We both are stupid lazy sluts who love bacon and are easily amused by rubber toys. If you don't like him, you don't like me.

It snowed in NYC yesterday and I thought everyone was going to start farting hot cocoa with marshmallows in it, because I got a dozen e-mails, IMs and pigeon greeting saying shit like "OMG! It's snowing! So Christmas-ey! So Winter Wonderland-ey! So magical-ey!" Yeah, I must that admit, that even though my heart is made of The Grinch's snot balls, I still like snow times......for like ten seconds.

In NYC, snow is pretty for a few eye blinks and then it turns into icy smegma like the shit Nicole Kidman probably coughs up. It's not fun or cute trying to walk on frozen jizz. I never wear the right shoes in the snow either, so I end up grabbing on to walls, strangers, poles and anything that can keep my fruity ass from hitting the frozen ground. Froze fruit! I haven't fallen yet, but my time is coming. It always does. Especially since I've already laughed at a little girl falling on her ass. Yeah, I'll get mine and it won't be fun.

Oh and try to look like you care when you glance at these pictures of Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer in the snow last night. Unfortunately, they didn't slip and hit the ground. They look confused by the white boogers falling from the sky, though. Or maybe they are just trying to figure out a good "We Is So In Love" pose to give the paparazzi.

I'm surprised these two didn't combust from desperation. I know, I'm such a fake romance hater. But Jenny Aniston is gazing at John Mayer the same way I look at a 99 cent McDonald's cheeseburger or a 9 inch hard dick! When was the last time you looked at a dude that way? Gazes like this are only meant for delicious food products or big peens. Mayer is neither of those. A big bag of rubber vaginas, yes. But not a big peen. And she's looking directly up his nose and you know that shit is full of mocos. There's nothing romantic about that.

Anyway, Jenny has a movie coming out about a dog, so she decided it was time to polish off her "Ah's soooo in lurveeees" gaze and bring John Mayer out for a little surprise candid photo shoot with the pappies. If these pictures were black and white, they would look exactly like those fake ass photos that come with new frames.

Here's Jenny and John leaving La Esquina in NYC last night after having dinner with Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos. See! Kelly and Mark are behaving like a real couple. They aren't looking at each other and probably getting the dry heaves when they touch. That's real love!

The premiere of Marley & Me in Los Angeles last night belonged to the real star of the movie, Clive the dog. Clive is the main bitch who played Marley opposite that naked lady and the dude who looks like he got into a fight with a frying pan and lost. Speaking of the naked lady, methinks Jennifer Aniston used Clive as inspiration for her "give doggy a bone" pose on GQ. And yes, that's Jennifer in the black dress below. I know, you can hardly recognize her with clothes on!

Speaking of, Jenny's naked ass was what everyone was asking about during last night's premiere. Jenny said, "I wasn't trying to make any statement." Cut to Clive yawning and then licking his no-nuts area. Of course, she was trying to make a statement. The statement being: LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!

When UsWeekly asked Jenny's lump of moldy caca boyfriend, John Mayer, about the pictures, he pulled out his portable stage, threw on a top hat, grabbed his cane, did a little tap dance number and then said, "If I have a problem with that cover, I should just pack up the Toyota and head out of town. I'm just gonna get ready to put my knuckles in the air for it. No, don't make me hold it - you're pimping me out! Because when I touch it, angels die."

He should get out of town anyway and immediately head to the nearest Chinese restaurant to serve soggy dumplings. I mean, he already has the outfit for it.

Here's a few more others who came out to celebrate Clive's big night including Courtney Cox who looks like she's been spending a lot of time with Demi Moore's private plastic surgeon.

On her show yesterday, Oprah asked Jenny Aniston if she was dating that one person named John Mayer. Jenny perked up and said "YES!" and she also said "NO!" to being knocked up. Although, when she was out in NYC with her pat tampon, she sort of looked a little pregnant-y in the area where fetuses live. It's probably just her body huffing up from Jen using the word "uncool." It's uncool bloat. You know, I can't stop thinking about that stupid fucking word thanks to her. The word "uncool" is the uncoolest word ever. Can we please have a funeral for the word uncool this weekend?

Anyuncool, even though Jen didn't really want to talk about her whatevership with John Mayer, he didn't mind talking about love and marriage at a recent event in NYC. When OK! asked about his love life, John joked, "I have not been very lucky. I've had a terrible life." John then started asking the female reporter about her own love life, if she was married and for how long. This led to John talking about marriage proposals. He said, "I think I'd be pretty good at that. I'd figure that out. I'd get creative."

By creative, he means on the cover of OK! Magazine or in front of hundreds of paparazzi with a TMZ live feed. So uncool. FUCK!

That police officer needs to move that fucking light. Rude! I can't really tell if he's a hot piece or not. He should turn that flashlight around and point it at his mug, so we can get a good look. He might have a bad case of birds lip but.... Oh! Who Cares!? Sometimes I really need to control myself. Whenever I look at these pap pictures, I immediately scan to see who might be hot. I'm hard up!

Anyalwayshorny, Jenny Aniston shuffled into John Mayer's house last night to celebrate his 31st birthday. She brought along her baby making kit and her wedding inspiration album "just in case." Instead of making John blow out the candles on his birfday cake, she made his peen blow a load into a test tube. I don't think John even noticed.

Earlier in the night, John left a recording studio blocking his face with some sort of electronic equipment. These celebwhores always suck at hiding their faces from the cameras. That's probably because they don't want to. They just want to make it look like they're camera shy. If they really wanted to hide their smug mugs, they would use something better. I don't know....like a plastic bag? Breath in...

When Jenny Aniston and John Mayer were eating each other's pussies, the paparazzi and media were always on him. But when they split up, they no longer gave a rhino's dick about him. So John was feeling a little lonely and decided to remind everyone who he is by calling up Jenny. When Jenny saw his name come up on her caller ID as "Baby Daddy Option #23," she immediately answered with "YES!" It doesn't matter what John was going to ask, because she was going to say "yes" no matter what.

Well, that "yes" might have led to them hanging out in NYC. The National Enquirer reports that the two had "secret dates" in NYC before getting on a plane together yesterday. A source said they were all kissing and shit on the plane. Thankfully, there were plenty of barf bags on the plane.

The source said, “They were very lovey-dovey. They kissed several times and hugged each other tightly. John gave her a long, lingering kiss.”

Long and lingering? Okay, Jen wrote this shit herself. You know she writes romance novels with her as the star. I'm surprised the source didn't say, "John got on knee, kissed her gorgeous feet, told her she was the most beautiful women in the world. Even more beautiful than that skank's name who rhymes with Crangie Ho. And then he proposed and Jen said she'd think about it because she's an 'independent woman' now. You hear that, Maddox? She doesn't need a man!"

This works out for Jen and John. He stays relevant for another week. And she doesn't look like a total cat lady with dry vagina while the Brangelina holy family flaunts their perfectness in the pages of W Magazine. Okay, she still does, but at least she's trying! Maddox probably texted her, "NC TRY BTCH!!1!!"

John Mayer's one true love is the paparazzi. If he could, he would have their babies. Woopsie. I shouldn't have said that. Now dozens of paps are going to receive scribbled death threats on tear-soaked paper from "you know who." Now that John and "you know who" have ended their magical romance, the paps have moved on. They just aren't that into him anymore.

A source told MSNBC's The Scoop that John has been tipping off the paps to his whereabouts but they can't be bothered. The source said, “He thinks he’s famous as Jen now. Last week he went to a party, tipped off the paps, and even had decoy cars at the ready when he was leaving. Nice, but no one bothered to follow them, which made John think he ‘lost’ everyone, when really no one bothered to follow him.”

One pap said it's all about money. An exclusive picture of Mayer and Aniston sold for around $20,000. A picture of Mayer by himself only gets $200 from a magazine.

Poor John. He's going to have to work hard to get their love back. He'll have to write a song for them, send them flowers and text them all day long with "I MISS U." In other news, Jennifer Aniston has just become a member of the paparazzi. "Maybe he'll love me back if I take his picture?!!!!"

Is it just me or is John Mayer sort of wearing Hammer pants? I see just a hint of "U Can't Touch It" and I don't like it one bit. I don't even want to see a teensy bit of Hammer pants flavor. Let's not go there.

Stepford Katie's pegged jeans, I can handle. But 80s surfer pants of any kind should be kept in a box in your garage with the word "memories" scribbled on it. You can only take them out to dance to songs from the period and that's it. Do not wear them outside of the house. Not even the gym. Nowhere.

I mean, what's fucking next? Ripped up denim coochie cutters over spandex bicycle shorts? I don't think my ass can handle that anymore. And yes, I used to rock that shit in elementary school. I thought I was the sexy shit. No wonder my nickname was Fruity Pebbles.

Here's more of weepy Mayer with his brother outside of Nobu in NYC last night.

Over the weekend, John Mayer opened up his tampon lips and started blabbing about his break-up with Jennifer Aniston to the paparazzi. He said that he's the one that ended it and that nobody cheated, lied or blah...blah..blah...insert douche lingo here....blah...blah....

According to one of Jennifer Aniston's "friends," she's not going to talk about the relationship or how it ended. The friend told MSNB's The Scoop, “Jen will never kiss and tell, but it’s she who ended the relationship. (Mayer's) childish behavior only confirms she was right to dump him. Now he’s acting like a spoiled child. Expect Jen to behave like a lady.” I fucking love that. Jen's not going to talk about it, but if you really must know....

The friend said Jen broke up with him for a couple of reasons:

1: He's an attention whore - “He has a relationship with certain paparazzi (and) bloggers. He tips them off. He loves the attention. Jen didn’t want to believe it was happening, but it was, and she has no tolerance for that.”

2: He's cheap as fuck - “Cobwebs come flying out of (Mayer's) wallet when he opens it. John liked living like a movie star when he was with her. ... Jen would never say anything, but you could tell it irritated her.”

A movie star?! What movie star are we talking about exactly? I'm impressed that cobwebs come flying out of his wallet! He should do that trick at his concerts. It would be a lot more entertaining than his music.

And you know that when Jen found out John was talking about her ass, she immediately told her friend, "Oh my god! What did he say? Did he say he loved me? No don't tell me. Did he say I was pretty? No I don't want to know. Should I call him? Should I go over there. Ugh. Forget it. Hand me the Breyer's and just stroke my head." She totally said that all in one breath.