John Mayer

Lord of the Douchebags, John Mayer, left a club in Los Angeles last night with his t-shirt and face covered in lipstick kisses. John joked that he really scored. Yeah, I wouldn't consider going into the bathroom, putting lipstick on your mouth and then kissing your t-shirt all over as "scoring." And because John didn't bring enough dick-baggery to the streets of L.A., he broke out his Jacko moves.

Bitch looked more like Bubbles after having too much Jesus Juice. John really shouldn't have done that, because bitch was upstaged by some ho drunk ass ho in grey! John knew she was taking his sunshine, because he didn't even acknowledge her triflin' ass. The night belonged to HER! Skip to the 0:38 mark in the video below to witness her shameless fuckery:

John Mayer really does have the perfect lines for picking up pussy. Jesse James (not the creepy hot piece married to Sandra Bullock, but some pop singer wannabe with dusty eyebrows) told WFAN Sports Radio (via Page Six) that she met John at some bar in Manhattan. John immediately zeroed in on Jesse and invited her and some other hos back to where the magic dies, his apartment.

Jesse said, "We were all hanging out and everyone started to gradually leave. It was just he and I at this point. I told him, 'I need some taxi money, I'm gonna go home now.'" Taxi money?! Jesse totally graduated from the School of Class and Tact, right? With honors! The last time I asked a fuck friend for money, I suddenly found myself on the street without taxi money and without my pants. Um. Earth to fucking Jesse! Every skilled ho knows you have to get the cash from his wallet while he's taking a piss. Stupid amateur!

Anyway, Jesse gave John his number and he used it liberally, "He texted me throughout the entire night while I was at the hotel room, leaving messages like, 'Let me tuck you in. I want to see you.'"

"Let me tuck you in" is doucheanese for "I want to ass-to-mouth you", right? And you know Jesse totally let him.

John Mayer might have a new piece to keep his twitter warm after Jennifer Aniston Riverdanced all over his heart like the man-eating tramp she is (served with a heaping dollop of sarcasm.) Star Magazine says John has moved on from 40-year-old Jen to 23-year-old ex-buffalo wing server Scheana Marie Jancan.

Scheana serves drinkies at The Grand Havana Room and that's where she met John. I'm sure it was love at first sight. Like that scene in West Side Story where Tony and Maria first meet. Picture that, but with more silicone and waaaaaay more Twittering.

The two chatted for a while before John asked for her number. Since then, they have hung out a few times and Scheana even spent a little time at John's house. Scheana apparently told some source, “There is always food and beer around. Scheana said she has loads of fun there; it’s like spring break!” So basically she's saying there's booze-infused barf everywhere and a Creepy McCreepster with rapey-eyes hiding behind almost every corner? Sounds about right.

Scheana is a former Hooters waitress who has modeled for Ed Hardy and was a runner-up in a Hawaiian Tropic Pageant. Paging Sarah Larson! This trick right here stole your life.

Since this magical union will last forever, what should their couple name be? MaMa? ScheMohn?

And I would tell Scheana to immediately work on gold digging rule #3 "GET KNOCKED UP," but she will probably have a hard time trying to conceive with a soppy tampon. The only thing Scheana will give birth to from fucking John Mayer is a big pile of extra-chunky clitty litter.

John Mayer was tinkling on his Twitter today and asked for a wish. John wrote, "It would be fun, just once, to catch the cover of a weekly tabloid and see the headline "John Mayer Nails Solo to 'Wheel!'"

So that prompted OK! Magazine to get on their knees, pull down his chonies and lick that taint by posting John's dream cover on their website. OK! and John will be married next week. OK! will get pregnant the week after. Jennifer Aniston will shoot OK! dead two weeks after that.

But seriously, John is going to print this shit out, frame it and put it right above his toilet.

John Mayer kicked off his annual Mayercraft Cruise in Long Beach, CA yesterday looking like he wandered in from the set of a 70s fuck flick called The Love Motorboat. John's pussy does look tight, though. However, those shorty shorts are making his thighs look wonky as all fuck! It's the way he's standing, but one looks way bigger than the other. It's like the douchefat from one of his thighs tried to escape and ended up getting stuck in the other. I have to go look in a mirror to make sure my thighs don't do this, because you know how I like to work the nut cutters in the summertimes.

I'm sure this just one of many LOOKATMEMEMEME costumes John will wear while on the Tampon of the Sea's 4-day cruise to Mehico. I also hope that for John's sake they have a Twitterdiction support group on the motherfucking boat, because he will have to go hours without dropping his caca nuggets on the internet. Although, John totally shrugs off his obsession.

John recently told E! News that he's just going through a phase, "It’s inherently silly and it’s inherently dumb. If you really think that Twitter is the pathway to spiritual enlightenment, well...It’s one step away from sending pictures of your poop. I don't have a devotion to Twitter. I didn't sell out to Twitter. You do Twitter until everybody gets off of Twitter and it's something else you go and try out."

I think one of those quotes got twisted in the wash, because what he really said was that he totally gets off on Twitter. He loves to have unprotected, dirty, nasty sex with his Twitter. Also, the whores that would think Twitter is the "pathway to spiritual enlightenment" don't exist, because they spend hours trying to figure out how to turn on their computer before they finally fuck it off and go play with a leaf instead.

And John is also wrong about the poop comment. I've been posting shit on the internet long before I twittered.

Star Magazine (via SS) thinks they know the real reason why the fartytale romance of this generation was flushed down the toilet. The reason is TWITTER! Jennifer Aniston was apparently completely over John Mayer choosing his Twitter over her twatter.

Jen apparently would flip out and punch her bagina bone with her Blackberry whenever John updated his Twitter without calling or texting her ass. John would take hours upon hours to return her calls and when he did, he would tell her he was too busy. But he obviously wasn't too busy to spread the gospel according to douchebags on Twitter.

A source said, "Every few hours, sometimes minutes, he'd update with some stupid line. And in her mind, she was like 'He has time for all this Twittering, but he can't send me a text, an email, make a call?' He didn't even deny it. He knew he was avoiding her. So when she called him on it and ended things, he just said OK, and that he was sorry it didn't work out. He took the break-up like a man."

Basically, he wasn't into her ass anymore and would rather rub his limp dick all over his Twitter page (you know he does that) than call her. But bitch should really count herself lucky that John dropped his douche nuggets on Twitter rather than drop them on her.

Now whenever Jenny sees a blue ass bird flying by, she's going to throw a rock or shoe at it. A damn bird stole her man!

You may have a new book to help your bowels move along while you're trying to drop some shit in the toilet. Star Magazine says that John Mayer is yapping to friends that he ready to write a tell-all about his relationship with Jennifer Aniston for $10 million.

A source tells Star, "John just can't keep his mouth shut. and he's telling friends that he's thinking of going public with all their juicy secrets."

John apparently thinks that people give a moldy shit about Jenny's obsession with yoga, her weird TV habits, obsession with astrology and her epic tantrums. Yup, sounds like a hard piece of caca that will come in handy when you need to level a table. And what's so weird about her TV habits? I'm sure the only channel her TV stays on is TLC. All the BABY and WEDDING shows she'll ever need.

The source also said that John was shocked when she called him "Brad" during grossy times. I think the source heard this wrong. John was probably shocked the one time she didn't call him Brad while rubbing his douche stick.

And John is already publishing a tell-all.......on fucking Twitter! Seriously, it's all fucking there. You won't have to pay cent and you'll walk away with a squeaky clean vagina after reading it!

When Jennifer Aniston got back from Europe where she was promoting that dead dog movie, John Mayer greeted her with a big fat "It's fucking over." Jenny has been here a trillion times before, so she shrugged her shoulders, went home, pulled out her custom-made flavor of Ben & Jerry's "Everything But The...Babies and Husband" (specifically made for her), cuddled with her boyfriend arm pillow and watched a doctored copy of Mr. & Mrs. Smith (with her head digitally replacing Angie's).

E!'s Marc Malkin is hearing that John Mayer dumped her ass sometime this week, because they're contract was up or something like that. John's final mission as Jenny's whore was to hold her hand at the Oscars so her imaginary boyfriend could have the night off.

But one friend of Jenny's rolled their eyes at this rumor since these two twats are known for their on-and-off fakery.

I would ask John Mayer about this on Twitter, since he has practically moved in there full-time, but he would just make some crack about Carl Mayer and I don't want to see it.

And by the end of the day, they'll be back together, married and she'll be knocked up with ten litters or something.

It's on a fucking cover! Oh, by "it" I mean "over the moon" and not Jennifer Aniston. But the "IT" nickname still belongs to Vadge. Forever and always.

Anyimabouttokickacow, can you believe this shit? This week, I'm going to have to steer clear from drug and grocery stores, because if I see this hateful shit in person, I may call 911 three times. Using "over the moon" is an emergency! The crazy McNugget bitch put ideas in my head.

And if Jenny and John spawned, the moon would fucking explode. Wait. That would end this "over the moon" madness!

VIA Cover Awards

It's wrong of me to judge something when I haven't listened to the entire thing, but I couldn't make it past the 1:04 mark of John Mayer's cover of Mimi's "All I Want For Christmas Is You." First of all, Christmas songs have been fucking me in the ass without Crisco since November. Second of all, John Mayer sounds constipated. The visual of him pushing out a butt nugget while singing a Christmas tune was too much for me to deal with, so I quit that bitch after a minute.

Besides, I don't need to listen to the whole thing to know that John is doing it all wrong. Dear John, get yourself a hot cup of douche water, sit back and watch this hot bitch below. This beautiful songbird will show you the proper way to cover a Mimi Xmas song: