John Mayer

To some, the thought of Kim Kardashian making John Mayer scream for 911 while 69ng doesn't make much sense since his David Duke dick directly goes against everything she truly believes in (example: delicious black peen). But lay a thought on that for a second. This makes so much sense, because Kim would fuck a wombat if it got her a blurb in Life & Style and John Mayer would fuck a wombat just because. No offense to wombats.

The wombats need to blame it on Page Six, because they are the ones starting this. A source tells them that Kim and John recently went out on a group date together while she's in the city shooting her show, "They brought along other friends, but the idea was to see if they would hit it off." No word yet if they "hit it off" or not since reps for the both of them had nothing to say about this shit.

By the time I hit publish on this post, Kim probably already rinsed John's douche dingles out of her mouth and has already moved on to the next piece. Kris Jenner will not let it go beyond that. Once Kris checks John's credit and adds up all his assets, she'll find that he doesn't make nearly enough to keep the entire Kardashian family as plastic as his favorite butt plug. NO GO

When 19-year-old Taylor Swift and 33-year-old John Mayer worked on a song together last year, there were rumors that he gently slapped her cherry pie with his douche bottle peen. They never confirmed or denied that mess until now (sort of). Popeater says the junior champion squinter has a song on her album called "Dear John" (aka THIS SONG IS ABOUT JOHN MAYER. THAT'S WHY I CALLED IT DEAR JOHN. THE JOHN IS JOHN MAYER!!!), and the lyrics of the country fair mess make it sound like John Mayer snatched her snatch and then didn't call her the next day. Here's a piece of the song:

"Dear John
I see it all now that you're gone
Don't you think I was too young
To be messed with
The girl in the dress
Cried the whole way home
I should've known.

It was wrong
Don't you think nineteen's too young
To be played
By your dark, twisted games
When I loved you so.

My mother accused me of losing my mind
But I swore I was fine
You'll add my name to your long list of traitors
Who don't understand
And I'll look back in regret
I ignored what they said 'Run as fast as you can."

Everybody, and I mean EVERYBODY, knows that John Mayer is the type of assbag to whisper sweet pretties into your ear to get into those chonies and then he'll cross the street when he sees you walking down the sidewalk the next day. Taylor needed to stick two tooth picks under her eye lids so she could see this shit! And lord, her lyrics always make me feel like I'm a 16-year-old country white girl who has stolen her daddy's pick-up truck in the middle of the night to meet the boy next door down by the river for a little heavy petting.

Anyways, Taylor shouldn't have wasted her time writing a song about John. Instead of writing her own DEAR JOHN song, she should've just sang a cover of the this:

Now that is a Dear John song done right.

John Mayer's David Duke dick has been quiet for a while, but now it has risen from the ashes left by Sexual Napalm and is shaking its rage at the Huffington Post for posting some shit about its reunion with Jennifer Aniston's vagina instead of important news!

It all started when HuffPo ran some story earlier today about how John and Jen might be back together, because of some crap he said at one of his shows. Anytime anybody writes anything about John Mayer on the internet a special vibration goes off on his cock ring letting him know to check his Google Alerts immediately. After John read HuffPo's piece, he queefed out a response on his Tumblr that is filled with his usual brand of hilarious doucheatry and a few phrases that pay:

Ahh, Huffington Post, the internet Death Star. The world’s first spectator banking website. Come watch a site’s intelligence move in and out like bellows of accordion depending on whether or not there’s ad dollars to be sucked out of any willing orifice.

From their front page item “BACK TOGETHER?”:

Are John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston back on? Mayer seemed to indicate they might be when he spoke in front of a crowd of 18,000 at his concert on Sunday at the Hollywood Bowl in LA.

“I believe in second chances!” he said. “You might have been a pain in the ass the last time around, but you can still start over again from home base. Next time you get a text from the one you love just text back ‘come over’ - no matter what happened in the past. If you really love someone, just tell them and be with them.”

Huffington Post, this is reporting? How do you pay your writers now, in Silly Bandz? Do you meet your sources in a malt shoppe? This is equal parts fabricated, cobbled together and misleading. Let’s break it down: I don’t think I ever said “I believe in second chances!” but I can’t be 100 percent sure, as it’s possible I could have accidentally said something succinctly and to the point. The next sentence is from the song “Half of My Heart,” in reference to the idea that meeting new people allows for hiding old mistakes. (Well, for most people at least.) The sentence about texting comes from the show’s encore, “Edge of Desire,” in a moment of giving people permission not to beat themselves down for still wanting someone. Two sentences about different things at different points in a concert.

The reason I’m calling you out instead of all the other magazines that make stories up out of thin air is that In Touch and Star Magazine aren’t concurrently writing pieces about Pat Tillman or WikiLeaks. Those other rags know who they are, and even if they’re obnoxious, I’d rather have to live with them because they (and the rest of the world) know where they stand, which doesn’t make them one tenth as dangerous as you are. You’re a stripper wearing reading glasses. Or maybe you’re an insolvent law student willing to dance for a few extra dollars. Either way, it’s uncomfortable to watch you try to wrap yourself around a pole when you have that C-Span scar.

I’m not a politician. I have no celebrity endorsements. So it is with a clear conscience that I’m able to title your piece on this post, should you decide to try make a few more bucks for whatever body wash or slasher flick you’re hocking today.

JOHN MAYER SLAMS HUFFPO: ” GO F**K YOURSELF!”

Damn. John Mayer is going raw (smells like open sores and melting Summer's Eve bottles). I have a feeling that there's something else behind this, because dude is taking shit way too seriously. Maybe a farsighted stripper with a scar in the shape of the C-Span logo once refused to give John a hand job in a club and he's never gotten over it? So he's throwing up his hurt all over HuffPo. Yeah, that must be it.

P.S. - Bitch said SILLY BANDZ!

At the CMT Music Awards in Nashville last night, John Mayer and The Situation competed in some kind of douche-off by lifting up their shirts. The Situation does get extra points for having a belly button that looks like a dehydrated no-no hole, but John Mayer easily wins this shit.

Not only is John pushing his shit out on purpose, but his peen hole is also blowing out hot air to make his bulge area look bulgier. Well douched! And I bet there wasn't a dirty vagina in the place.

Coochella (on purpose typo) Music Festival started up yesterday, which means dozens of famewhores descended upon Indio, CA to drink the sweet nectar out of plastic cups and add to their sand crab collection (see Wonky). John Mayer also momentarily left his Summer's Eve box to go to Coochella, and here he is giving the sex eye to a goddess (You're getting Ricki Lake in Hairspray vibes, right?) who is light years away from his league.

John's David Duke penis needs to go to a Klan rally or something, and leave this fine young thing alone if he knows what's good for him. Fuck Sexual Napalm. Bitch could make John's dick go boom just by licking her lips. John probably already has the Chernobyl of crotches, but this woman will leave him completely destroyed. It's best he back away and play with girls his own speed.

Anways, here's more hos frolicking on the grounds of Coochella including: Kelly Osbourne, Basement Baby, Katy Perry, Scott Speedman, Rotten Peaches with Eli Roth, Wonks, and DANNY DEVITO (I'm not trying to see his CROCS)!!!!

If John Mayer thinks that Jessica Simpson is sexual napalm, then he has obviously never tried to tame Courtney Love's nuclear snatch. Because according to the Renaissance Faire reject, not even Jeremy Renner in his Hurt Locker bomb suit can diffuse Court's cooch.

Crazy Courtney just got around to reading John Mayer's Playboy interview and she ranted all about it on Twitter the other day. Courtney has come to the conclusion that she wants to hate fuck John Mayer and punch him in the face.

This is kind of funny, because anybody who has sex with Courtney and/or John immediately punches themselves in the face afterwards. If Court and John ever get nekkid together, there's going to be a whole lot of fucking, punching, and vomiting going on. Fight Club: THE HORROR MOVIE!

Court also said that John's dickkk is really no match for her vagina since she regularly does her Kegals (aka vaginarobics).

Here's some of Court's Tweets about John. They might make sense to you if you....No, fuck it. They won't make sense to you no matter what. Before you go in, you should know that the safe word is "RIBBIT."

do you ever feel like spite hate fucking @johncmayer just to put hi in his place, hes a better guitarist than me but not better in bed !
5:49 PM Feb 23rd via web

but like say your fucking @johncmayer totally throwing him around the room in bits and then you just BAM punch him in the face? good times
5:58 PM Feb 23rd via web

ive said far stupider shit than @johncmayer about my alist bfs tho ive been discreet. but about rockers i spill the beans.
6:00 PM Feb 23rd via web

oh dudes Mayers a little bland for me and youngish ill do young, but hes neither Yale Harvard Oxford and hes not really rock, so not for me
6:02 PM Feb 23rd via web

hate fucking is an art like "the pit" meaning you rape each other and then beat the shit our of each other so u can feel shit.
6:04 PM Feb 23rd via web

my genealogist and my gynocplogist know i do my Kegals like a snatch the cig off the table thai sex worker.
6:08 PM Feb 23rd via web

RIIIIIIBIT!

Yeah, I know your genitals curl up like a scared roly poly every time John Mayer's face pops up on your screen, but let's just get through this last one together because now he's bringing his tears into it. And when John cries Balloon Boy-laced tears, your soul makes a happy face.

So...a vagina's worst enemy already apologized on his Twatter for offending mostly everyone with his words of douchefuckery (i.e. white supremacist dick, the n-word, blah, blah blah). But at the end of his show in Nashville last night, the stoner who gives all stoners a bad name launched into another long ass apology to his screaming fans and his band. While the band played on, John announced that he is going to quit the media game and end his "quest to be clever." Clip is below. Instead of his band playing, there should've been a tiny mouse with a tinier violin on stage. Better yet, Keyboard Cat should've played him off as soon as he said "quest to be cle-."

And if John really wanted to prove he's sorry, he should travel around the world and hand everyone a little lesbian as a peace offering (like he is in the picture above). A little lesbian cures everything (okay, okay, I'll admit that my own quest to be clever is like the maiden voyage of the Titanic).

Since John Mayer's publicist is standing on a ledge somewhere and everyone is throwing shit bombs at his front door, he decided he should probably apologize for using the n-word during an interview with Playboy Magazine.

In the interview (click here for the full enema), John gave oral to his foot by saying that his penis is the president of the "I Heart David Duke" fan club. John also used the n-word when he farted about how black people love him so much that they gave him a "hood pass."

John said he was oh-so-sowwy on his Twitter page:

"Re: using the 'N word' in an interview: I am sorry that I used the word. And it's such a shame that I did because the point I was trying to make was in the exact opposite spirit of the word itself. It was arrogant of me to think I could intellectualize using it, because I realize that there's no intellectualizing a word that is so emotionally charged.

And while I'm using today for looking at myself under harsh light, I think it's time to stop trying to be so raw in interviews. It started as an attempt to not let the waves of criticism get to me, but it's gotten out of hand and I've created somewhat of a monster. I wanted to be a blues guitar player. And a singer. And a songwriter. Not a shock jock. I don't have the stomach for it. Again, because I don't want anyone to think I'm equivocating: I should have never said the word and I will never say it again.I just wanted to play the guitar for people. Everything else just sort of popped up and I improvised, and kept doubling down on it..."

We don't have the stomach (or any other organ) for it either, John.

And don't be surprised when Summer's Eve announces they are officially changing their name to John Mayer's Eve.

Here's even more Imodium-laced quotes from John Mayer's Playboy interview. John has already said that Jessica Simpson gets an A plus at fuck times and Jennifer Aniston wants to time travel back to 1998. John also talked about how he has a "hood pass" and how his penis is a members of the KKK.

When asked if black women try to get with him, John answered: "I don't think I open myself to it. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I've got a Benetton heart and a fuckin' David Duke cock. I'm going to start dating separately from my dick."

John should really turn that quote into a jingle.

Playboy wanted to dig further by asking his ass which black women he thinks are hot: "I always thought Holly Robinson Peete was gorgeous. Every white dude loved Hilary from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. And Kerry Washington. She's superhot, and she's also white-girl crazy. Kerry Washington would break your heart like a white girl. Just all of a sudden she'd be like, 'Yeah, I sucked his dick. Whatever.' And you'd be like, 'What? We weren't talking about that.'"

And about that "hood pass," John explained it like this: "Someone asked me the other day, 'What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?' And by the way, it’s sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a nigger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass? But I said, I can’t really have a hood pass. I’ve never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, 'We’re full.’

What is being black? It’s making the most of your life, not taking a single moment for granted. Taking something that’s seen as a struggle and making it work for you, or you’ll die inside. Not to say that my struggle is like the collective struggle of black America. But maybe my struggle is similar to one black dude’s."

Where do we begin? Actually, let's not, because my brain is still stuck on picturing John Nightmayer's penis in a KKK robe. NOT TODAY.

Ladies who make the decision to fuck on John Mayer should get him to sign a confidenitality agreement before he sticks the tip in. Unless you're okay with him vomiting up all the details to anybody who sticks a tape recorder in his face. And this is exactly what John Mayer did to Playboy (via UsWeekly) about Jessica Simpson's sex skills. According to John, Jessica's vagina should come with a prescription for methadone, because it had him foaming at all three of his mouths. Open up and get ready to gargle with a splash of lukewarm douchewater:

John on Jessica being his drug: "And drugs aren't good for you if you do lots of them. Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me. Sexually it was crazy. That's all I'll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, 'I want to quit my life and just fucking snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you.'"

John on Jennifer Aniston dumping his ass because he is a Tweet-ker: "There was a rumor that I'd been dumped because I was tweeting too much. That wasn't it, but that was a big difference. The brunt of her success came before TMZ and Twitter. I think she's still hoping it goes back to 1998. She saw my involvement in technology as courting distraction. And I always said, 'These are the new rules.'"

John on how many girls he's screwed since Aniston: "I'm going to say four or five. No more. But even if I said 12, that's a reasonable number. So is 15. Here's the thing: I get less ass now than I did when I was in a local band. Because now I don't like jumping through hoops."

John on how he's upping his famewhore game in 2010: "From now on I’m just going to pretend that people really dig the shit out of me. I've been trying to prove to people I'm not a douche bag by not dating, by keeping my name out of Us Weekly. That's fucked up, man. I'm not dating. I'm not even fucking. So now I'm going to experiment with 'fuck you.' In 2010 my goal is to get more mentions in Us Weekly than ever."

A John Mayer interview is like a cheesy dick. You know it's going to be painful, but you still plug your nose and give it a lick because the slut in you just can't resist. And once you're done with it, you're left with an awful taste in your mouth that not even Listerine can cure. But John still makes me laugh (Yes, I'll bash myself in the head with the Listerine bottle after I rinse my mouth out).

And you know Papa Joe is going to tape this interview to the wall in front of his favorite toilet. That's his Jess!