Nicole Richie

Here's Nicole Richie and six-week-old (Note: take a breath deep) Sparrow James Midnight Madden on the cover of People "Who Sell Their Babeh Pitchers For A Quick Buck" Magazine.

It looks like nobody has told Baby Sparrow what his name is yet. Because if he knew, he wouldn't be smiling with his eyes (aka smizin'). He would be "shanking every bitch in the room" with his eyes.

Hopefully, Nicole and Joel keep that little fact from him for as long as they can, so he will remain innocent and pure. They should call him Row Jam for short. The minute he knows his parents named him Sparrow, he will become a jaded, bitter, life-hating grouch who shakes his fist at anyone not named Sparrow. So basically, his best friends will be birds. That's doesn't sound that bad actually.

Radar Online is hearing that Nicole Richie and Joel Madden handcuffed themselves to each other by getting married......IN SECRET! Although, if you whisper something that nobody cares about, it's not really a secret. But I won't piss on their love parade.

Apparently, Sparrow and Harlow's parents picked up a marriage license last week, and made it legal on Wednesday. The two have been bumping peroxide bushes for...oh who cares. In Hollywood time, they've been together forever.

Spokeswhores for Nicole and Joel were unavailable for comment. Probably because they fell asleep at the wedding and still haven't woken up.

And I'm guessing that when Joel got back from the court with the license, Sparrow jumped down from his bird bath and asked his daddy if he brought him a "CHANGE MY FUCKING STUPID NAME" form.

Right now at a hospital room in the Los Angeles area, a newborn baby is desperately trying to crawl back into Nicole Richie's vagina after hearing what she has named him. People reports that Nicole and Joel Madden welcomed a baby boy early this morning and named him Sparrow James Midnight Madden. Yes, this just confirms that doing massive amounts of the bad shit will eff up your brains for life!

Sparrow James Midnight Madden joins 19-month-old Harlow Winter Kate Madden as the newest member of the Our Parents Hate Us Club (The Madden Branch).

Nicole and Joel issued this statement that sounds like it was written by Edgar Allen Poe's ass lips: "In the middle of night, the very early hours of September 9, 2009, Sparrow James Midnight Madden was born to Nicole Richie and Joel Madden. He weighs 7 lbs. 14 oz. Nicole, Joel, Harlow and Sparrow are all doing well. Thank you for all of your good wishes."

Okay, okay, his name isn't that bad (Yes, it is). If I was still a 15-year-old faux goth kid on ecstasy, I'd completely be into Nicole Richie giving her baby a name that sounds like an Urban Decay nail polish color.

....this shit from Funny or Die would be 100% unwatchable. It's a group of useless dumb whores trying to bring the laughs.

If you've got a serious case of the boreds, take a crack at this. Actually, if you're bored, go arrange your panties by color, scent and skid (or period juice) mark size, then watch this shit. Wait. No, don't watch it yet. After you finish sorting your genital covers, go to your bathroom mirror and successfully recreate all of Ty Ty Bank's "275 smiles." After that, slowly pluck out every last one of your pubic hairs to make a pair of Passover mittens for your bestest Jewish friend. Wait, but only if your pubic hairs are kosher. FINALLY, when you've conquered all those things, you can watch this video, because that means you're bored-er than bored.

That was fast. Joel Madden wrote on Good Charlotte's website that Sad Clown Baby is going to be a big sister! And this means Nicole Richie is going to get so fucking fat! And by "so fucking fat," I mean more than 75lbs. Lard Ass Richie! Here's what Joel wrote:

What's better than winning an Oscar? I am so happy to tell everyone that Harlow is going to be a big sister! God has truly blessed my family. Hope your all feeling as good as i am right now.........

Better than an Oscar? Let me see. Oscars are gold-plated and shiny. They don't accidentally (or purposely) go pee times in your face. They don't interrupt your beauty sleep in the middle of the damn night with their moaning. And they don't squirt out poopy pea soup. Yeah, waaaay better.

Mischa Barton and Nicole Richie both have a line of headbands out and Mischa's got her cellulite in a twist, because she wants Nicole to step off her idea. Some bitch told Star Magazine (via Popcrunch), “Mischa is furious. She feels like Nicole completely copied her idea.”

I'm furious at both of these fugly ass slugs for trying to compete with the world's only premiere headband designer! Look at this hot slut below! How can you compete with this? Mischa and Nicole both need to take their headbands, shove it up their asses and leave headband designing to the real artist!

If Pocahontas was alive today, she would get on her knees and pay homage to headband design genius Phoebe Price!

Images: Wenn, Wireimage

Maybe I'm still half asleep, so the clouds haven't disappeared from my eyes yet, but Joel Madden is looking kind of cute here (?). UGH. I think my hands are about to quit this bitch and stop working, so that I will never type those words again. I mean, he looks kind of different. I think he got on the Alli diet, maybe had a dry bath or two and got rid of that dick bag hat that seemed permanently attached to his skull.

Hopefully, after the Sanka starts working, I'll come back to this post, take one look at his picture and take a Sharpie to everything I've written. I feel like I need to go to church after declaring Joel Madden looks cute.

Joel escorted his wet rat girlfriend to the opening of the Alberta Ferretti store opening last night. Nicole Richie is desperately trying to fight the beige by wearing silver. Sorry, ho. You still look like an overbaked breadstick without the sesame seeds.

The usually hot Marisa Tomei was also there looking like she's been hanging out on a toadstool with the evil Olsen trolls. She needs more sleep.....in Jacko's oxygen tank. I also put in some pictures of the original wonk eye Lucy Liu.

So ever since Nicole Richie had a baby, she's become all womanly and shit. I mean, she actually has chichis! She's no longer Wonky McValtrex's eye-rolling sidekick. She probably gets her period and everything! I miss chunky Nicole who had a gutter mouth and flashed her tittays on the catwalk. Now that she's an adult, she's kind of boring. She's so boring that she's turning beige!

However, she looks a million times hotter without that dirty tampon boyfriend hanging on her arm.

Here's a few more of Sad Clown Baby's mommy at the Carousel of Hope Ball last night. Yes, there were actually people there under the age of 95 (see below). I also threw in some pictures of other whores who were there including the shining gold bar known as Camille Grammer aka my favorite modern day gold digger. They don't make gold diggers like her anymore. She's a gold digger that takes her job and position seriously! In the Grammer camp, she probably makes Employee of the Month every month! And she makes sure she's always looking like a shiny trophy! Her attention to detail is amazing. She made sure that her wonk eye matched her wonk titties perfectly. I love her.

Nicole Richie apparently packed up her happy little shit, grabbed Sad Clown Baby and moved out of the house she shared with Joel Madden after a some stupid fight. Nicole didn't exactly move out, because she came back the next day. A source told Star Magazine: "This was her way of sending Joel a message."

HA! We've all done that shit. One time, I had a huge fight with my live-in-boyfriend at the time and I threatened to move out. I knew I had nowhere to go, so I just went around the place packing up all my shit. While stuffing boxes with my crap, I would shout at him, "Fuck this shit! I'm over this. I'm leaving for good this time. You hear me? I said I'm leaving." He didn't stop me, so I kept at it. I even went to the kitchen and started packing up dishes. "These fucking dishes are mine! There's no way I'm going to let your whores eat off the dishes I paid for. I'm through with this shit. I'm LEAVING. L-E-A-V-I-N-G. I'm not coming back! Did you get that?!" At that point I started to panic, because I really didn't want to have to spend the night in the shelter. I finally said, "You know what! Fuck this. You leave!" He was probably embarrassed for me, because he apologized and asked me to stay. I responded, "I'll fucking think about it! Let me sleep on it and I'll tell you in the morning!" Ain't love grand?

Back to Nicole! The fighting didn't end after Nicole's walkout. A few days later the two traveled to NYC for fashion week and fought the whole time. After fighting at some party, Joel ditched Nicole and went back to L.A. At a VMA party, Joel started flirting with Mischa Barton. Wonky McValtrex, who was also the party, took pictures of Joel and Mischa dancing and texted them to Nicole. Nicole immediately accused Joel of cheating on her with the cellulite wonder and now they are sleeping in separate rooms.

Hmmm....I feel for Nicole and I would shed a tear for her, but I'm too busy not giving a fuck. That's what she gets for shacking up with a member of Good Charlotte.

Nicole Richie was leaving the Charlotte Ronson after-party in NYC the other night when a Swedish tourist started taking her picture. A witness told Page Six that Nicole handled it the Kanye West way. The witness said Nicole shouted at them, "I'm not an animal," and then she "jumped over the velvet rope, ripped the camera out of the girl's hand, and smashed it to the ground."

Wow. Nicole Richie jumping over a velvet rope? That sounds kind of cute actually. It probably looked like a tiny chihuahua daintily hopping over strips of cardboard.

And what Nicole didn't realize is that the Swedish tourist was taking her picture because she really thought Nicole was an animal! A marmoset with a silly headband. Seriously, Nicole needs to loosen that baby belt on her head and chill out! She should be happy that people are still taking her stupid ass picture.

Below is a video of a sweet and tiny chihuahua daintily hopping over strips of cardboard. I take it back. There's no way Nicole looked this cute.