I'm mad that there's no VCT (visible camel toe), because I really want to see their sparkly camel toes do the Kid 'n Play dance together.
Some dude with a name like a mid-level law firm (or a name like a Wilson Phillips cover band that only sings Chynna's parts) won American Idol last night, because easily impressed teenage girls who lose their minds over white boys with guitars are the only tricks voting for that shit, but who cares about that when we've got Fantasia and Chaka Khan defying the laws of Spandex and sequins. With the help of an industrial-strength sausage caser, Fantasia and Chaka squeezed into catsuits and showed those amateur whores how suffocating-crotch-glamour is really done. Chaka wins this catsuit fever battle, because she's Chaka and wins almost everything, but Fantasia gave her a run for her Cameflage. Fantasia looked like a giant gay eel trying to swallow Verdine White whole. Fantasia split that catsuit up the side, because she knows she's way too much for it to handle and didn't want it to overexert itself later. That was nice of Fanny.
Wearing that catsuit almost makes me forgive 'Tasia for putting that discount Halloween store Morticia wig on her head. Almost. And here's a few more pictures including some of Fantasia flashing her coma titties on the red carpet. Yes, Cher worked that look better almost 40 years ago, but I can't hate Fantasia for trying.
The skin on Fantasia's left arm is shivering today, because it's only a matter of time before she gets the face of her second baby friend tattooed on there. (Sidenote: I never understood why people get the faces of their children, mother, father or any other relative tattooed on their arm? Do you really want to look down at your child's face while you're giving a handjob? That'll mess up your rhythm and then you'll have to start all over again.)
Fanny birthed out a son in North Carolina sometime yesterday and she isn't saying who the daddy is, but Aunt Bunny and I know the father is that married trash she picked up in a T-Mobile store. GWORL PLEE! As soon as Fanny caught her breath after hollering out a billion breaths during labor (you know that bitch gets EXTRA during labor), she let out this statement to People:
Baby Dallas made his debut on Tuesday in North Carolina at 7 lbs., 9 oz. and 21 inches long. He joins big sister Zion, 10.
"I feel so blessed that my son Dallas Xavier was born healthy, and is a wonderful new addition to our family. I thank all my fans for their well wishes and continued support."
I was half-expecting Fanny to name her son Fave Five after where she met his daddy, so the name "Dallas Xavier" is pretty tame. But still. What has Dallas done to deserve this kind of treatment this year? First came A-List: Dallas (fuckery punch #1), then came Khloe & Lamar moving to Dallas (fuckery punch #2) and now this?! At a courthouse in Texas somewhere, you can probably find Dallas trying to change its name to Sallad. Actually, Sallad is a really good baby name.
Production for the Mahalia Jackson biopic starring Fantasia was supposed to start any day now, but then a little thing called "Fanny's ovaries eating up the sperm fish of a married douche" happened and everything was pushed back. Instead of recasting the role with a more worthy talent like Quween of the Scene or Aretha Franklin's right nipple (her left one is a total cuntrod to work with), the producers are waiting for Fantasia to push out the baby and are allowing her vagina to fully recover from birth trauma before they go back into production. But Jesus be the mighty fist of one of Mahalia Jackson's cousins, dragging Fanny by the weave out of her trailer to throw her demonized soul into a circle of salt poured by the God Warrior.
Page Six reports that the estate of Mahalia Jackson is asking the producers to drop Fanny, because they feel that an unwed heathen who made a child with a married man will dirty the pristine image of a religious and noble woman like Mahalia Jackson. One source said, “The family thinks if Fantasia plays the role, it’s going to sully the name of Mahalia. They think she’s got the wrong image, having a child out of wedlock.”
The producers are also upset, because Fantasia lied to them and said that she was packing on the chunk for the role when she was really packing on baby weight. The producers are considering replacing Fanny with Missy Elliot, who is obviously the epitome of moral beacon, if she can't start shooting in January.
A rep from Mahalia Jackson's estate only said this about the biopic and Fanny:
“I’m not really aware of any objections that the heirs have to the casting of Fantasia. I understand that they were getting ready to film and that she is pregnant, and I don't know who is she pregnant by.”
Not wanting Fantasia to play Mahalia because she's growing another wedlock baby in her womb is some ridiculous shit since every single person in Hollywood has birthed out a wedlock baby. Every single one of them. I'm sure every single ho in Mahalia's family has too. Who hasn't birthed a wedlock baby? I'm birthing one right now. That is not a valid reason. A valid reason for not wanting Fantasia to play Mahalia would be because she couldn't even play Fantasia in the Fantasia biopic and was upstaged by stage barf. That is a valid reason.
Mahalia's family just needs to go to the producers and say the words: upstaged by stage barf. The next sound you'd hear is the sound of the producers getting Aretha Franklin's right nipple on the line.
When pictures of Fantasia with a swole gut full of something came out last month, she tried to say that she was putting the chunk on her body to play Mahalia Jackson in a biopic. Well, you can officially add the "I'm playing Mahalia Jackson in a biopic" excuse to your list of "what to tell nosy hos when your fetus sack is starting to grow." Because at a charity concert for the opening of an apartment complex in Jacksonville, FL yesterday, Fanny announced that she's got a God-given baby in her womb.
You know what perfect is? Perfect is Fanny announcing at the opening of an apartment complex in Florida that the married dick she met at a T-Mobile store knocked her up. Throw in two audience members bitch fighting over a few complimentary pens and you've got my kind of pregnancy announcement! Really, you almost expect Tyler Perry to come out on stage and take a bow for writing this mess.
For a while I walked around figuring out what will they say and what will they think about me. But now I tell you I don't live my life for folk.
This child that I am carrying...... God has given me this child. And I don't have to hide it from none of y'all.
Fanny hasn't said who the father is, but you really don't need Maury to tell you that the seed that made her fetus came from Antwaun Cook. Fanny was knocked up with Antwaun's baby last year, but she had an abortion after she tried offing herself because his wife sued her for wrecking their home.
My favorite part is Fanny saying that God gifted her with that child. Listen, bitch, just because that dick makes you cum halos and holler so loud that it makes the angels' clits quiver doesn't give you the right to call Antwaun's peen "God." God is washing his hands (with spermicide) of this. Something that Antwaun should've done to his rubber-covered dick before he went balls deep.
And I think I speak for all of us when I say that our feelings about this Not Going To End Well shit are best expressed through the eloquent words of Aunt Bunny:
When Fantasia's name was read as the winner of the Best Female Pop Vocal Grammy earlier this month, she did not take the stage to accept, and she didn't even send her brother Teeny to grab the trophy in her place before mumbling about how he's working an album in his recording studio/guest bathroom. Nothing. Fantasia later gave a completely ridiculous reason for why she didn't show up. Bitch's ass got chapped, because the Grammy producers did not ask her to sing during the Aretha Franklin tribute. Fanny told BET that Aretha is her idol and she should've been on that stage hollerin' the steady out of Xtina's feet.
USA Today asked Aretha what she thinks about Fanny's excuse and well, when The Queen speaks:
"I was sorry to hear that Fantasia was upset because she did not get the opportunity to participate in my Grammy Tribute this year. I recall that in the past, Fantasia participated in both my MusicCares Person of the Year Tribute and my United Negro College Fund Tribute. Fantasia is still young in the business and although we all love and appreciate her she must understand that in this business of show business she will not always get to participate in everything she would like participate in. I'm sure it was not an intentional omission. I will see Fantasia over the summer here in Detroit."
This is Aretha's polite way of saying that she has chafe sores under her magnificent chichis that are older than Fantasia. So Fanny needs to take a fucking seat at the children's table and eat every piece of STFU on the plate Aretha prepared just for her.
One of Fantasia's "close family friends" ran there mouth over to the National Enquirer (via Celebitchy) to claim that she is currently growing a baby in her womb. According to the source, the father of Fanny's unborn child is her married piece Antwaun Cook. The same married piece whose estranged wife is threatening to sue Fanny's ass for committing acts of homewreckery.
The source said to the Enquirer, “She’s about three months along, and it’s definitely Antwaun’s baby. Right now she can’t show how happy she is in public - but she’s absolutely thrilled. Fantasia got what she wanted. She feels Antwaun will have to marry her now.”
If this is made of truth, then this means that Fanny knew she was pregnant when she tried to off herself by downing more pills than White Oprah on a Saturday night. Damn. Well, at least the fetus won't have a headache for a while. Or maybe it will have a major headache for a while. I'm not a fetus doctor (surprising information alert), so I don't know. But I do know that Fanny has plenty of dramatic material for the sequel to her Lifetime movie. And you thought the barf scene in her first movie was riveting shit. Even her mushroom top hair is crying weavey tears just thinking about it.
This is why Andrea Zuckerman's crisis hotline should still be in business today. On Fantasia's Behind the Music which airs on Vh1 tomorrow night, she admits that when she swallowed an entire bottle of pills two weeks ago she did it because she wanted to get a visit from the grim reaper (Yes, I've been playing The Sims again).
With the threat of getting sued by her boyfriend's estranged wife for committing acts of homewreckery hanging over her, Fanny said she just couldn't deal anymore. Fanny tells Vh1, "I didn't have any fight in me. I didn't care about anything. I just wanted out. At that moment, I wanted out. I wanted it to be over with – all of it, all of that shit. I just sat in the closet and looked at the mirror and took all the pills in the bottle. I wanted to go to sleep and just be at peace. I knew exactly what I was doing. You can't accidentally take a whole bottle of pills. I was tired of people doing me wrong, constantly, over and over again, dealing with my family – my father, dealing with men and their shit – I was tired. My head was hurting me. I was over it."
Fanny's manager knew she was in a bad place, so he texted her and told her not to do anything stupid. Fanny's "text for help" came 10 minutes after that when she wrote him, "I already have."
Fanny says that her hospital nurse helped bring her back into reality and now she's living for her daughter, "I realized how people end up in the grave. Because that one moment [snaps her fingers] of just breaking or feeling like I can't, I can't go on, it's too heavy. That was somewhere I don't ever want to go again."
People's article also mentions that Fantasia's new album comes out tomorrow. Damn. Well, I guess this is one way of promoting an album....
The lustrous rhinestone of Beverly Hills and the sparking sweat bubble of North Carolina were both released from the hospital where they have been seeking treatment for very different reasons. First up is Zsa Zsa! Slap a cop and read on...
Zsa Zsa Gabor was hospitalized almost a month ago after she busted her hip bone while trying to answer the phone during Jeopardy. Zsa Zsa received a new hip and everyone thought it wouldn't be long before she was sipping champagne out of crystal goblets again, but her condition quickly went from "Fabulous, Dahling" to "Shitty, Dahling" (that's really what the doctor wrote on her medical file).
Zsa Zsa's condition has improved enough for her to be sent home. Zsa Zsa's husband, Prince Von A Hole, told the reporters outside of their mansion, "She smiled already and started flirting with the guys who took her home." So that plastic chandelier hanging over your Ikea dining table has a reason to sparkle again!
As for Fantasia, she was stuck in the arm with an IV drip a couple of days ago when she overdosed on Aspirin and sleeping pills. Some say Fanny tried to commit suicide, and others say it was accidental. Fanny's rep only said that she took the pills, because she's been having a hard time dealing with all the media attention surrounding her relationship with a married dude.
Fanny's rep confirmed last night that she was out of the hospital and ready to start promoting her album, "She is more committed than ever to her daughter and her work because they are her heart, her soul and inspiration."
Hopefully while Fanny was slurping on hospital Jello and inhaling the musty scent of her neighbor's bed pan, she came to the realization that offing yourself over married dick is not the way. In trying times like this, Fanny should ask herself, "What would the wise whore Sienna Miller do?*" Well, Sienna Miller would keep sucking that peen while flipping everyone off. Or she'd replace that previously owned wang with a different one. Fill your mouth with new dick (aka nature's anti-depressant), not Aspirins!
*Surgeon General's Warning: Don't ever take advice from Sienna Miller.
WCNC (via TMZ) reports that Fantasia is laid up in a hospital bed today after she swallowed one too many dolls last night. Sources say that Fanny is currently being treated and is in stable condition at a hospital in North Carolina. The source also adds that Fantasia was never in danger of skipping on the cloudy pathway to the afterworld where sweat doesn't exist.
The source isn't sure what kind of pills Fantasia swallowed up and they also didn't know if she did it on purpose or if it was an accident. This may or may not have something to do with the wife of Fantasia's piece filing papers last week claiming that her husband has been stepping out on her with Fanny. The wife also said Fanny and her husband made several fuck tapes. Fanny had this to say for herself at the time:
“Fantasia will weather this storm with the dignity and grace that she has exemplified throughout a life in which she has repeatedly overcome obstacles and challenges. Fantasia’s faith in God, herself and family remain as strong as ever.”
FANNY! You said you would weather this storm with dignity and grace! Not Vicodin and Percocet. Although, I have been known to give my painkillers nicknames like Dignity and Grace. Good thoughts to Fantasia.
UPDATE: Fantasia's rep issued a really long statement to TMZ which includes the date of her next album as well as the lyrics to one of her songs. Fanny's rep got deep.
He says that the lawsuit got to Fantasia and she accidentally overdosed on Aspirin and a sleeping pill. He says that Fantasia believed that her married boyfriend left his wife a while ago. Here's a small piece of the statement:
Fantasia read Mrs. Cook’s Complaint against Mr. Cook for the first time yesterday. She knows some of the allegations in Mrs. Cook's complaint are totally false. There are others she strongly doubts. There is plenty she does not know.
Fantasia is heartbroken and is sorry for any pain she may have caused.
Yesterday, she was totally overwhelmed by the lawsuit and the media attention. Last night, Fantasia was hospitalized. She took an overdose of aspirin and a sleep aid.
Her injuries are not life threatening. She was dehydrated and exhausted at the time. Fantasia is stable now. She will be released from the hospital soon. Fantasia is a fighter and a survivor. This is not the hardest thing Fantasia has endured.
It's been an open secret in North Carolina that Fantasia has been slippin' and slidin' all over the cock of a married father of two, but she's never lifted up her hand and said "Guilty as fucked." Fantasia doesn't have to do that anymore, because the wife of the married dude she's boning is doing it for her. WCNC (via TMZ) reports that Antwaun Cook's wife Paula filed a complaint in court last week alleging that her estranged husband has been down low dicking Fantasia since August of last year. Paula claims that Antwaun and Fantasia's parts got tingly for each other when they first met at the romance capital of the country known as the T-Mobile store.
Paula has proof of her husband's affair in the form of a sex tape he allegedly made with Fantasia. The complaint reads: "Throughout the course of their adulterous affair ... Defendant/Husband and Ms. Barrino have at times recorded their illicit activity." The document also claims that Fantasia read Paula her rights during one phone call. Fantasia apparently said to her: "He don’t want you. Maybe the next time that you get a husband you'll know how to keep him. That's why he is here with me."
Those words might come back to fuck Fantasia's checking account dry, because North Carolina is a state that allows wives to sue their husband's mistresses.
But back to the sex tape, Fantasia sweats more than Mel Gibson in a kosher deli when she shakes her ass for more than two minutes, so you know her pores will blowing new kinds of perspiration in that sex tape. Fanny will take squirting to a whole new level.
And if this sex tape ever leaks, I hope Simon, Randy and Paula reunite to thoroughly critique it. The word "pitchy" will never have the same meaning again.