Fantasia

Fantasia's toad hooves look like they have never failed her! Those things look like they have done it all! They've wrestled a hog, planted a thousand pine trees, laid a dozen T-Rez eggs, carried Pocahontas across the Potomac River, built the pyramids, won the Heavyweight Champion of the World title, dug a tunnel to Mesopotamia and played the title role in The Hunchback of Notre Dame the musical. Oh, the tales Fanny's feet could tell! They should write (they can do that too) a book!

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There really is a God and its name is Vh1, because my prayers have really paid off! Vh1 has announced that the greatest thing to ever happen to American Idol (next to Simon's chichis), Fantasia, will star in a reality show that will debut in 2010. Everybody wind your clocks forward really fast simultaneously, so 2010 can come sooner! Seriously, not since Being Bobby Brown....

The show will follow Fantasia as she dodges calls from collectors and fights with check cashing cashiers. You know, just a day in the life. This is the kind of show that was made just for drinking games! Every time they show Fantasia's bawling pits, you have to take a shot of Malibu and passion fruit Jello (I've really had that).

Seriously, my Tivo is even jizzing itself over this soon-to-be epic mess!

Fantasia's reality show will be brought to you by panty liners and Rosetta Stone.

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You know, I almost didn't know who this bitch was until I saw the sweaty pit drops on her dress and then I shouted, "IT'S FANTASIA!" I'd recognize those bawling pits from across the world! It's her signature and we should all slap our own pits in celebration, because bitch is consistently sweaty. But Fantasia did try to pull her mess together at Clive Davis' pre-Grammy party last night in L.A. The dress was a step in the right direction, but bitch should have covered up those prison yard "practice tattoos." I will forgive her for that, because those yellow ass nails take her look to a whole new level of sophistication. They serve a dual purpose though. When Fanny goes to parties, she hates not having all her favorite sauces around while she's eating horsey dervies (that's what she calls them). So now, she can pour dipping sauces into each nail and all her favorite flavors are at her fingertips. Literally!

Whitney Houston was also at Clive's party last night and she sang. As usual, everyone said it was her triumphant return and she sounded glorious. If I took a crack hit for every time I heard that, I'd be as crazy as Bobby Brown. We get it. Whitney is back! And somewhere Jackie Collins is in a room shivering her ass off, because Whit stole her dress.

Below is a bunch of pictures of whores at last night's party. They are, in order: Fanny, Whit, JHud, Katy Perry, Queen Joan Collins, Chelsea Handler.... and... and.... Oh, who gives a fuck! Just click on a picture, say, "TRASH. NEXT!" and then move on to the next one. Repeat. When you get to Kelly Clarkson's picture, you might want to whisper your insult, because if bitch hears you, she might tackle your ass down.

Fantasia is always photographed with bawling pits and none of her friends have helped her out with this situation. At last night's Hip-Hop Caucus in DC, Fantasia not only had extreme underarm juice, but her titties were also moist . Is she using that crystal rock shit? Methinks that mess makes you sweat even more.

If Fanny can't get her hands on some bootleg Botox, she could do what my cousin did at her Quinceanera. That bitch was afraid of pit jizz, so she put a maxi pad underneath each arm. We called her period pits the entire night, but it worked. That's what Fantasia needs and I would only call her period pits behind her back.

And Fantasia's exquisite Lee Press-On nails have taken her from trashy to *CLASSY*.

American Idol winner (yup, she won - google it, you dumb fuck) Fantasia is about to get kicked out of one of her Charlotte, North Carolina homes! Real Estalker (via Us Weekly) says Fanny's 6-bedroom mansion has been foreclosed on and will be auctioned off on January 12th, unless she can come up with the cash to save it.

Fantasia bought the place back in 2007 for $1.3 million. She won't be totally homeless since her other house in Charlotte isn't in any kind of trouble.

You know what this calls for? Reality show! Fantasia needs to move to Georgia and join the cast of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. She can bond with NeNe, because they both know how it feels to have the evil eviction man knocking on their door to put all their shit on the curb. And Fanny will not sit on her hands when it's time to slap Kim's wig off her head.

Fantasia also needs to join the rest of us and learn how to live off of McDonald's dollar menu, popcorn, Top Ramen and bologna.

In cheerier Fantasia news, it looks like she finally made her last payment and got those 20-year-old braces taken off her teeth. It must have taken two cranes, three tanker trucks and the Shiba Inu 6 to yank those things off. They were on for at least three lifetimes.

Here's Fantasia wearing one of Basement Baby's earlier craft projects at the Cracked Xmas party last night. Even though she put together enough pennies to finally get those braces off, it looks like she didn't have enough for a full pedicure. They didn't put the rest of the polish on her toes!

I don't have one bad thing to say about Fantasia. This is what every American Idol should look like! Her "Ronald McDonald Gone Flock of Seagulls" hairdo is really working for me. And the carpet does match the drapes!

When are Fanny's braces going to come off? She's been wearing those things for years. Maybe the orthodontist played a cruel joke on her and told her she needs that wire to keep her teeth up. Fanny is a trusting soul, so she would believe him.

Here's Fanny with her man, Young Dro, at the Idol finale last night. Sanjaya was also there which disgusts me. They gave Sanjaya a ticket, but didn't give Danny Noriega's gorgeous chola mother a ticket? Fucked priorities.

Thank Jeebus for Fantasia! This mess of a bitch added some much needed Lawry's season salt to tonight's bland American Idol. Mmmm...Lawry's season salt.

This bitch was like if Ronald McDonald's crackhead sister got a shot of the devil in her and was stuffed into a velvet jumpsuit and thrown on stage to perform. Fanny wasn't even singing. It was more like manic chicken clucking!

View Fantasia's greatness below. This is how a real American Mess Idol does it!

The look on Simon's face during her performance pretty much sums it up.

When I first saw Fantasia's skunk head a day or two ago, I thought it was a joke! Homegirl is for real. You know, it's straight-up Fantasia. A straight up mess! The hair, the braces, it's all working for me. Hoodrat with actual rat hair! I think that dress was pulled out of a trash can.

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It looks like Fantasia went out and got herself the KFed cut with a splash of bleach. Don't laugh. This is going to be the shit. Posh will get it, then Rihanna and then everyone else. She probably only bleached one side, because her eyes were slowly being burned. I have brown hair and I tried to go blonde once and I swear I almost died. It was like the devil's breath was breathing on my head. Awful. Fanny must have been grabbing hard on that vagina piercing to ease the pain.

Here's Fantasia at a Grammy lounge today with Young Dro. This is probably one of the only times vendors didn't want a celebrity to pose with their schwag. They were like, "Oh Fantasia, it's ok! Just take the shit. As much as you want. We don't need a picture. The camera is um...it broke. Just go. Take it. We'll get you next time."

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