Mena Suvari

What I mean by that is that somebody should've snatched that carpet sample off of his head, because it is dreadful. Anyway, for the first time since everybody learned about the terrifying adventures of John Travolta's man finger-eating whirlpool anus, he put on a brave wig and came out (not like that) to honor Shirley MacLaine last night. No, John wasn't presenting Shirley with the Sally's Beauty Supply Lifetime Achievement Award in Lace Front-Wearing. Shirley was the recipient of the AFI Life Achievement Award and John was there to honor her. I really don't know who's wig game is worse: Shirley or John's. Shirley's looks like it's slowly shifting off of her head and John's wig is laid like a sod square.

The likes of Meryl Streep, Dakota Fanning, Mena Suvari, Melanie Griffith and Jennifer Aniston thought to themselves, "That is such a realistic wax figure of a Vulcan Dracula" as John Travolta spit out nice words about Shirley. I appreciate that John is showing us what Eddie Munster would look like if he grew into his widow's peak, but damn. Bitch needs to pull out his payroll sheet and erase the name of the ho who keeps buying his wigs at Leonard Nimoy's yard sale.

And if you were about to announce the countdown for the inevitable "Angie's fame whoring leg vs. Aniston's fame whoring leg" battle, save your bref.

Last night in Hollywood was the big premiere for Tara Reid's grand return to the silver screen and she brought her "Celebrity" Big Brother housemates and fellow messes Jedward as her escorts. Yes, Tara looks like a malnourished, self-tanner-addicted 50-something soap actress who has just come off the set after playing a ghost in a dream sequence, but she's free of barf stains, whiskey spots and a European husband who's only using her for a green card, so I'd say she looks good! Or maybe I'm only saying that because I'm temporarily blinded by the bright shiny glitter rays shooting off of those twin Edward Cullen troll doll pencil toppers. (Note: That is the only time I will ever refer to Jedward as "tops.")

Every time I see a picture of those twin spaz brooms, I want to smash Ritalin pills into my eyes, because they just can't have a seat. They're always jumping. They're always screaming. They're always freaking out like vibrators on meth. Hopefully, they calmed down after they came down with instant lead poisoning from kissing on the orange paint slathered on Tara's face.

Here's some more hos from last night's American Reunion: WE'RE ALL OLD premiere. In order: Tara with Jedward, Jason Biggs with his wife, Jason with Eddie Kaye Thomas and John Cho, Jennifer Coolidge giving us BODY, Shannon Elizabeth, Alyson Hannigan, Chris Klein (looking like a coked up insurance salesman), Natasha Lyonne, Sean William Scott, Thomas Ian Nicholas with date and Mena Suvari.

After 18 long months (that's three eternities in Kardashian years) of wearing a wedding band, Mena Suvari has decided that her wedding band would look a lot better off of her finger and in the palm of a pawn shop clerk, because she has filed for divorce from her second husband Simone Sestito. A two-time divorcee by the age of 32! Mena is living the life I was supposed to live if gay marriage was legalized in the late 90s. DAMN HER! But all jokes aside, it really is a sad day when the couple name of SiMen SuTit is no more.

People says that Mena and Simone became wife and husband in a beautiful pre-divorce ceremony two Junes ago in a private church in Vatican City, Italy (or as I called it when I got into a shoving match with some Eastern European bitches in front of a nativity scene, "Faticunt City"). Mena says in divorce papers filed in L.A. that they officially stopped staring at each other's faces on a daily basis on November 1, 2011. Mena doesn't want to pay spousal support and says that "irreconcilable differences" is the reason why their marriage drowned in a bath tub full of rose petals as Kevin Spacey tried to molest it.

I can already hear whores screaming about how these young Hollywood sluts don't take the sanctity of marriage seriously anymore. NEWS FLASH! Nobody takes the sanctity of marriage seriously anymore. That's why the sanctity of marriage gave up, moved to Reno and now works the 1am-6am shift at strip club under the name Sanctitty Mirage. But really, I'm sure Mena and Simone tried to really make it work. You try sleeping next to a woman whose satellite head spits out the sound of static all night, because aliens from another universe are trying to send signals to it. Besides, how can Mena compete with JLo who is paying Simone (JLo knows him as "Casper") $10,000 to be her kept bitch?

This weekend in Los Angeles, there's going to be an award show held every damn half hour. I think Denny's is giving out their Rooty Tooty Fresh In Movies Awards this afternoon (hosted by Kirstie Alley's nutritionist). Last night was the Independent Spirit Awards, which honors independent spirits or some shit.

Precious was the big (no pun intended) last night picking up a million awards for Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actress for Gabourey Sidibe, Best Supporting Actress for Mo'nique, Best Screenplay, and Best Performance By A Plate of Hairy Pig's Feet (which surprisingly did not go to Mimi). Unfortunately, those dumb bitches didn't give a nod to Mimi's stache, which was the real star of that movie. However, Mimi still showed up to sprinkle her Hello Kitty ho-ness all over the event....and because she heard the bottle pop.

Other awards went to Jeff Bridges in Cray-Cray Heart for Best Actor and Woody Harrelson in The Messenger for Best Supporting Actor.

And now for pictures! In order: Mimi, Maggie GyllenSAAG with Peter Sarsgaard, Pierce Brosnan with his wife Keely, Roger Ebert with his wife Chaz, The Beaver Director Jodie Foster (that's her new full name now), Mo'nique (and her furry caterpillar stems) with her husband Sidney, Carey Mulligan, Gabourey Sidibe, Mena Suvari, Lenny Kravitz with his daughter Zoe, Jason Stackhouse from True Blood, Jennifer Grey (A MESS), John Waters and Jeff Bridges.

Forget the question. Jacko is a wax figure! Homegirl is at least 80% wax and 20% artificial materials.

Those lips! Wack-O-Wax lips should be renamed Jack-O-Wax lips in his honor. I need to stop hating. Jacko is still the sharpest dressed lady in the business. Liza ain't got nothing on this bitch.

Jacko made a surprise appearance at Christian Audigier's tacky Birthday extravaganza last night. They really should have turned off all the lights before Jacko's ass came onstage. He could have melted!

Other guests at this classy affair included Pamela Anderson, Fuggie Fug and Mena Suvari. What the hell is on Mena's head?! I think I liked her better when she looked like a younger Hillary Clinton. Now she looks like an Ellen Degeneres/Portia de Rossi morph. She needs to dump the weave.

Dear Mena Suvari,

It truly pains me to write this. Ever since we locked eyes during "The Rage: Carrie 2" I've known we were soulmates. We've been through good times ("American Beauty") and bad times ("Loser") together. Unfortunately, the time has come for me to let go. You went from being a beautiful angel to looking like a Garbage Pail Kid come to life. I know it's Mercedes-Benz fashion week and you wanted to look extra "fashioney" for the premiere party last night, but I'm afraid this is even too much for me to bare. I have defended you in the past, but now I will most likely agree with the GoFugYourself girls when they rip your hideous bangs to pieces.

We'll always have "The Rage."

xoxoxoMichael K