Mischa Barton

The post below this is a happy bar story starring Kiefer Sutherland. And this post is a sad bar story starring Mischa Barton (remember her?). I mean, the amount of booze wasted will pull at your no-heart strings. So reach for the Kleenex.....

Radar reports that Mischa was partying on Halloween at NYC's The Park Bar when she sort of got involved in a bar fight. It all started when some dude walked by her and poured an entire drink all over her. If it was me, I would've licked up all that booze before it hit the floor. But Mischa had to have a conversation about it. A source said, "I was standing beside this guy at the bar when Barton went past us carrying two drinks. The next thing I knew he threw his drink over her back and she turned around and asked him: 'Did you just throw a drink over me?' The man responded that the drink was in retaliation for Barton stepping on his shoe."

Mischa responded by throwing her cocktail into the dude's face (TEARS! ILLEGAL! WRONG!) before stomping off to tell her friends about the whole thing. One of Mischa's friends whipped out his dick and decided to show the drink thrower who's the big butch bull in the room.

Mischa's friend asked the drink thrower to step outside. A fight went down and it ended with both dick bags getting thrown out of the joint. But a source said that Mischa's drink thrower definitely lost the fight, because he hopped away with a bloody head and a cut on his knee.

We as a people need to stop wasting the sweet nectar! This is not funny. The only time it's okay to throw booze is when you're pouring it over a nipple before licking it up! Booze is not a weapon! That's like beating someone with a newborn baby. Would you throw a baby across the room? No, most of you wouldn't. So don't abuse the booze like that. Shameful.

The CW's The Beautiful Life has been taken out back and put down. E! News reports that Mischa Barton's triumphant return to TV was killed after just two episodes. That Ashton Kutcher-produced shit show has the displeasure of being the first death of the new 2009-2010 season. The CW shut down production in NYC today and sent everyone home. Bitch is done.

The show's first episode was watched by only 1.5 million and only 1 million pairs of eyeballs tuned in for the second. Basically, bitches would rather watch a wet turd slowly dry up than watch The Beautiful Life. Actually, I saw the first episode and it was just like watching a wet turd slowly dry up.....but shittier. I mean, it was supposed to be a trashy drama and there was no bitch slapping, man stealing or baby switching. That's not how you do it.

This means that Mischa Barton is out of a job. "Dentists" beware, because Mischa now has time on her hands.

After Mischa Barton got out of the crazy ward and wiped the 5150 off her forehead, she told the media that her wisdom teefs are to blame for all her troubles.

On The View today, Mischa Barton elaborated on it by saying she had all four of her wisdom teefs pulled out at once, but they totally botched that shit. When she woke up the next day, she had an infection and a dry socket. Parasite Hilton's toxic snatch is "pfft-ing" at that, because it has a dry socket and an infection daily.

Mischa claims she only took the minimum amount of painkillers to get her through the pain. This is Mischa Barton we're talking about, so her minimum is probably your maximum (Unless your name is Amy Winehouse). When Mischa couldn't take the pain any longer, she went to the hospital where she shouted that she wanted to die. And that was the key phrase needed to stamp a 5150 on her and shuffle her off to the looney bin.

I'm completely on the same level with the bitches at The View, because I don't know how getting your wisdom teeth yanked out could land you in the psych ward.

I mean, Mischa could've just lied by saying that she had "lunch" with Paula Abdul and Lindsay Lohan that day and the next thing she knew, she was in the crazy house. We all would've just sighed collectively and understood.

And something tells me the "wisdom tooth" excuse is going to be the new "exhaustion."

Mischa Barton arrived on the set of her TV show The Beautiful Life in NYC yesterday looking like a mangy cat dragged her out from the gutter in front of some crack house. But to play fair (insert queef here), most of us look like this when we've just rolled off of the bathroom floor we passed out on the night before. I won't even give any mirrors the side-eye in the morning, because I just don't want to deal with watching them dry heave. And Mischa is doing better than me, because at least that bitch has a fag stick in her hole. I should be so lucky!

And Mischa wants to you know that's not cellulite on her legs. NO! Those evil doers Photoshopped it or it's the sun playing tricks on her or it's her thighs weeping at the sight of those fugly ass Regal Beagle diaper shorts.

Maybe it was a little too soon for the men in white jackets to swing the looney bin doors open and let Mischa Barton wander out into the wild. Just a few days ago, Mischa crawled out of the crazy ward after suffering some kind "meltdown" (aka the coke went down the wrong pipe). Mischa immediately got on a plane and flew to NYC to begin work on her new TV show. Well, a source tells Page Six that homegirl should probably still be laying around in a padded room somewhere...

Mischa had dinner with friends the other night and wouldn't stop spazzing out over some stalker. The source said, "She was upset and talking frantically into her phone about having a stalker. Her friends were trying to console her, but she went outside and chain-smoked cigarettes."

A stalker? Is that what we're calling dealers we owe money? That's a good one. I'll have to remember that shit. On a positive note, if you're going to be crazy, NYC is the place to do it. If I walk more than 4 blocks without seeing some lunatic in a torn nightgown rambling on about how "their stalker is infiltrating their brains and stealing their thoughts," I start to get a little worried and homesick.

Peep at the ole' blondie (in the Charlotte Russe jeans and Chinese Laundry wedges) in the background having a face seizure over Mischa Barton. My face is doing the same thing, because I can't believe that Mischa made such a sophisticated ensemble look like a common jizz rag! Just imagine the same dress on a 45-year-old (with fopa for days) graveyard-shift taxi dancer who will give you a sloppy handjob underneath the table for a Lottery Scratcher. ELEGANCE! That's who was meant to wear this dress! Not Mischa!

Although, the giant wet spot on the back of her dress is a nice touch. Bitch knows how to accessorize. I'll give her that.

Here's Mischa, fresh from the crazy ward, leaving a party in NYC last night.

The crazy house doors swung open and Mischa Barton skipped on out so that she could go fly to NYC to begin work The Beautiful Life. She plays a pill-loving supermodel on the show. It was over a week ago that Mischa was put on Code Cheeto (aka a 5150) after she had a meltdown after watching her performance in a few episodes of The O.C. NO. Some say Mischa danced too much with the bad shit and it effed with her brains. It was probably just research for her show. RESEARCH: The Tatum O'Neal excuse!

Mischa's rep has never said what the real reason for Mischa's hospitalization was, but he did say, "I can confirm that she's left the hospital with the intention to resume production."

Here's Mischa with that fresh rehab bloat leaving LAX with her doggy friend yesterday and also smoking in SoHo last night. And she's smiling! Although, that might just be the medication at work. I know that when someone catches my grouchy ass smiling, I just say, "It's the medication! The medication! It's an awful awful side effect of the meds. Ignore it."

On Wednesday afternoon Mischa Barton had some sort of "meltdown" and was taken to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center where they stamped a 5150 on her forehead. This allowed their asses to hold her for at least 72 hours. Well, time is up, but Mischa will continue to eat the Jello. Mischa's rep said she's going to stay in the hospital for more treatment. He wouldn't say why Mischa had to be shuffled off to the crazy bin, but her so-called "friends" say she stuffed her nose holes with way too much bad shit.

They told The NY Post that after a 3-day coke binge, Mischa freaked out and was scared she was going to do suicides to herself, so she called the cops (cut to Wino chirping, "Pfft. Lightweight"). One of the friends went on to yap, "She's in very bad shape. She's running out of money and can't find love, so now she is looking for a good time to escape her misery. She is on a downward spiral. She is a mess. She is a suicidal, uninsurable mess."

The thing is, Mischa was supposed to fly to New York on Friday to do promotion for some movie she's in and she's also in the cast of The Beautiful Life on The CW. It's not like she's working the graveyard shift as a security guard at Walgreens ala Gary Coleman. And as for the love thing, she's only 23. Somebody give her Jennifer Aniston's Skype name. They need to have a conversation.

Earlier today, I wrote some crap about how Mischa Barton was taken to the hospital by the police last night, because she needed oral surgery on her wisdom teeth. Well, apparently that's not what really happened. Access Hollywood says that Mischa glided over the cuckoo's nest last night and the police were called to wheel her in.

A source claims Mischa is now at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center under a 5150 hold (aka The Cheeto Code). Authorities can place a person on a 5150 when they believe they might hurt themselves or others, or have the crazies in a serious way. Cedars can hold Mischa for 72 hours.

You know, let's just blame all of this on Brandon "Greasy Bear" Davis. I mean, Mischa did suck on that for a while and that'll flip anybody's switch.

Access Hollywood says that the police were called to Mischa Barton's house in L.A. yesterday afternoon to take her ass to a medical center because of a "medical emergency." The police confirmed that they responded to a non-911 call from someone at Mischa's house, but wouldn't say where they took her.

You are not alone if your first thought was that bitch got a case of the "bad shit shakes" or that she choked on her own irrelevance. Apparently, the problem had to do with her teefs. A spokeswhore tells rPulse that Mischa's wisdom teeth started giving her the hurts, so she had to go to the dentist. They broke that shit down and removed them from her mouth. They will now be displayed at The Meth Teefs Hall of Fame Museum in Fresno, CA.

Mischa asked the police to take her, because she can't drive (due to that DUI issue last year) and also didn't want the paparazzi following her. Yeah, the last part made one of my wisdom teeth throb, because it was laughing so hard. Can I get some Vicodin now?

UPDATE: A spokeswhore for the LAPD tells UsWeekly that they "removed" Mischa from her own home due to a medical emergency. They wouldn't say if the medical emergency involved her teefs. When asked if Mischa went willingly, the rep said, "I guess." A source also says that Mischa had some kind of "freak out."