Today, nepotism smells like Molly McButter flakes, burnt aluminum foil, open finger sores from Photoshopping for hours and Badgley Mischka's saliva on Demi Moore's ass lips. Here's Rumer Willis' first ads as the new chin of Badgley Mischka! You know, Badgley and/or Mischka can say that they chose Rumer because she's "a unique beauty" who "breathes new life into their brand", but the real truth is that if she didn't slide out of Demi Moore's cooch, she wouldn't have gotten the job. But Rumer is collecting a check and you know I'm a strong supporter of that, so....
I guess this means it won't be long before Noah Cyrus is named as the new face of Frederick's of Hollywood and one of JLo's twins becomes Donatella Versace's new muse.
To quote Jennifer Aniston, "I can't get a man, but that bitch Tater Head can!" It was just two seconds ago that actor Micah Alberti stopped sucking on Rumer Willis' chin full-time, and she's already got another hot piece spreading his sour cream, bacon bits and chives all over her. Tater and Micah barely broke up a little over a week ago, but at party in Beverly Hills on Saturday night, she showed up with Glee's Chord Overstreet and apparently the two were all over each other. Yup, he's definitely got that "I can't wait to fuck my butt with that hung chin" look in his eye.
Some source tells People that Chord was also on Rumer like Kirstie Alley at the Souplantation potato bar last weekend in Las Vegas, "Chord was flirtatious with Rumer. They had a lot of fun."
Even though this relationship is most likely a fresh load from a publicist's dick, I still cannot condone it. When I look at Chord, I for some reason only see Justin from Queer as Folk. And when I think of Justin from Queer as Folk, I think of Brian Kinney's face nuzzling between his sugar-free Twinkie nalgas. As it should be. So therefore, Chord's butt cheeks are destined to marry a look-alike Brian Kinney face and I won't except anything else!
Josh Brolin is one of those dudes that I always forget is an authentic and pure asshole. When I look at pictures of him the word "fucktard" doesn't immediately jump out at me, but every now and again I'm reminded of his assholian ways. Like the time he allegedly got physical (and not in the Olivia Newton-John way) with Diane Lane. This was back in 2004 and Josh was arrested for domestic battery. Diane later dropped the charges and said it was all a misunderstanding. Well, Josh might be at it again. InTouch says that Josh was caught getting intimate with a woman who isn't his wife.
On May 21st, Josh and some local broad named Melissa Green were partying at New Orlean's Royal Street Inn. Josh is currently filming Jonah Hex down there. A witness-type said that after they finished boozing, Josh took Melissa to the movie's set at 11:35 pm. They stuck around there for several hours and left together at 7:23 am. The witness added, “Josh looked like he hadn’t slept at all. She was wearing the same outfit as the night before and looked embarrassed.”
InTouch offers up that picture on the left as PROOF! Yeah, I believe it. Although, it doesn't look like he's having an affair with a woman. It looks like he's having an affair with a giant pole. He's looking at it like he can't wait to caress and embrace it.
Would Josh really cheat on Cherry Valance?! Didn't he learn anything from Unfaithful? Cheating only leads to you getting hit over the head with a snow globe, rolled into a rug and stuffed into the truck of a car. Your body will spend the rest of eternity in front of a traffic light.
The cast for the remake of Sorority Row looks like it was compiled in a bathroom stall at Les Deux. I mean, it stars Ceiling Eyes from The Hills, Tater Head, Jamie from The Real World: San Diego, some skank whose greatest credit is being "detention girl" in 90210 and a bunch of other whores. Obviously, they all worked for drink tickets, a half-used box of Trojans and a promise that their 15-seconds will be extended to 18. And tell me why oh why Carrie Fisher is in this dirty tampon of a movie?! Carrie, if you need some quick cash, work the streets or sell crack. It's more respectable than working with these whorey cardboard cutouts.
And of course, Ceiling Eyes plays the dead girl. The bitch probably can't even play a corpse convincingly. Her ceiling eyes got her role, obviously.
While watching this trailer, these were my thoughts: That's not foam, it's jizz backing up! Why did he kill her if she was already dead? A tire iron can do that? Graduation gowns have hoods? Why am I doing this to myself? Is this real life?
SPOILER ALERT: Tater Head's chin is the killer!
In the new issue of Glamour, the "biggest stars" (their fuckery-laced words, not mine) pose as female icons throughout history. Even with the newest version of Photoshop, Blohan doesn't pull off vintage Vadge. Bitch should have done current day Vadge instead. They look about the same age. Plop a curly wig on SamRo's head and she could easily pass as Baby Jesus after getting the youth sucked out of him by Vadge's roidy cooze. Now that would have made sense.
The other skanks in the magazine are: Camilla Belle (as Mary Tyler Moore), Emma Stone (as Carrot Horseshaw), Emma Roberts (as Audrey Hepburn), Alexis Bledel (as Rosie the Riveter), Ugly Betty (as Dolores Huerta), Alicia Keys (as Michelle Obama), Kim Zolciak's wig (as the Obama dog), Elisha Cuthbert (as Brandi Chastain), Hayden Panatroll (as Amelia Earhart), Paula Patton (as Billie Holiday), Chanel Iman (as Althea Gibson) and Odette Yustman, Spencer Grammer and Tater Head (as the hippies of Woodstock).
The picture with Tater Head is borderline babeh abuse. That tortured baby is trying to unsee what he's just seen. I hope his parents are paying attention, because if they ever get him a Mr. Potato Head for his birthday, that kid is going to take shelter under his bed and never come out. They better not make that mistake.
I was going through these pictures of Tater Head at the Push premiere with some tricks and it hit me like a stale potato pancake! Bitch needs some gorgeous chola eyebrows to transform her from a buttery potato to the cholita goddess of my dreams! Rumer has finally come into her own thanks to Photoshop and some Sharpie eyebrows I jacked from some low-budget chola. This is the Rumer she was meant to be!
Now what should her chola name be? La Tater Girl? Las Fritas? Actually, Rumer is already a fucking chola name.
When I first saw thumbnails of these pictures, I thought it was Christina Hendricks from Mad Men. Then I made them bigger and realized how horribly, horribly wrong I was. After I finish this post, I will go get my eyeballs rotated or something, because I don't how I could make that mistake.
Anyway, Tater Head was at some D&G event last night and from far away she looks....well... um... looks.... like this! Not bad. This is probably the best I've seen her look in a while. That's until we get close and see the titty tape, the douchey tattoo only worth of Brody Jenner and the crackie nails. Fix yourself, Tater Head!
Tater also needs to give her boohoo boobies a little pick-me-up, because they look oh-so-sad.
Here's Tater Head leaving LAX yesterday (probably catching a return flight back from Idaho, AKA the Motherland) looking like the Ore-Ida version of Asshole Simpson.
Let me ask you this, who the EFF goes incognito wearing a flaming red wig? A frumpy mop made of delicious golden curly fries would have been less conspicuous. But it looks like it worked because one loner ass paparazzi with a disposable camera happened to be catching a flight back from Sheboygan and only took pictures after she shouted out "I am ze Asshole Simpson!"
Hash Browns, please! In order to look like Asshole Simpson you're supposed to have a schnoz sponsored by Kleenex!
That being said, this is might be an upgrade. Or maybe I'm just saying that because I'm a sucker for the ginges. Even the faux ones.
Tater Head has gone the way of the ginge. She looks like a delicious plate of sweet potatoes. All she's missing is a couple of handfuls of mini-marshmallows, 10 sticks of butter, a cup of brown sugar and she's good to go.
Here she is at a Teen Vogue party in Los Angeles last night.
Tater Head has a jaw that only Jay Leno could love and she fucking despises it. Rumer blames her daddy, Bruce Willis, for the reason why she has a jaw and chin that belongs in a field in Idaho.
Rumer said: "People tell me all the time that I look my mom. I see the resemblance, sometimes. There was a picture in a magazine about look-a-like mothers and daughters and I saw that I looked exactly like her - which is great. I hate my jaw. I don't know if it's my dad's - I think I'm more like my mother, my littlest sister looks exactly like my dad and my middle sister is a mixture of the two."
Actually, I think she got her chin from a Hasbro toy. Demi Moore has some explaining to do! I bet you she got freaky with Mr. Potato's head. I don't blame Demi. He's one sexy spud.
Seriously, Rumer just needs to work with what she's got. She needs to love and embrace the chin! If she doesn't, her jaw and chin will fall into a deep depression. And can you imagine Rumer's jaw getting sad and weepy? It would look like saggy Play-Do.