Diana Ross

If President Obama, Congress and all the Houses quit their jobs and handed all their power over to Tony Bennett, you'd soon be able to waltz into a Duane Reade to pick up a bottle of lube (not the Pimp Mama Kris-endorsed one), a bag of hot fries, a roll of toilet paper and a box of crack rocks. At Clive Davis' pre-Grammy gala, held at the same hotel where Whitney Houston passed away, Tony said that deaths of Amy Winehouse, Michael Jackson and Whitney might have not happened if all drugs were legal. Preach it, pepaw!

"First it was Michael Jackson, then Amy Winehouse, now, the magnificent Whitney Houston. I'd like every person in this room to campaign to legalize drugs.

Let's legalize drugs like they did in Amsterdam. No one's hiding or sneaking around corners to get it. They go to a doctor to get it."

The only shit I know about Amsterdam I learned from an episode of House Hunters International, but I'm pretty sure that only weed is legal there and they still have to buy their 8-balls from a sketchy dealer with stank breath in the dark part of an alley way like the rest of us. Also, Michael Jackson died of a prescription pill overdose and it's looking like Whitney didn't take any illegal drugs before she went up to star in Heaven's remake of Sparkle with Aaliyah. It is kind of bizarre that Xanax and Valium are completely legal, yet whenever my weed man comes to visit, I have to pat him down to make sure he's not wearing a wire tap. Actually, that's not why I pat him down. I pat him down because he lets me and it's pretty much the only kind of action I get.

Anyway, Pepaw Tony means well and some of what he says sort of makes sense if you think about how many billions are spent and how many people die from the war on drugs shit. But that's some shit for a different day. I think what Tony is really trying to say is that he wants to be able to buy a damn joint wherever he goes.

Here's a few pictures from Clive Davis' gala last night and let me predict the future by typing what you're going to think in about 5 seconds: What in the name of veiny titty balls was Kim Kardashian doing there?! Call me Miss Cleo.

In order: Toni Braxton, Rita Wilson & Tom Hanks, nobody, Glamberace, Amber Rose (no comment on those Klingon brows and gremlin lips), Diana Ross, a Diana Ross wannabe and Our Lady of Perpetual Cheetos.

The will of Michael Jackson was filed in Los Angeles today and TMZ got a hold of it. As expected, MJ named his mother Katherine as legal guardian of Prince Michael, Blanket and Paris. If Katherine wasn't able to care for the kids for any reason, he wanted Miss Diana Ross to be their guardian.

Yeah, I didn't see that one coming. Joe Jackson is totally rubbing his palms together, because his dream of The Jackson 3 is getting closer.....

The will also states Michael's estate is worth $500 million. Everything has been left to the Michael Jackson Family Trust. The co-executors of the trust are John Branca (his lawyer), John McCain (former presidential candidate) and Barry Siegel (his accountant) NO! Not John McCain. I'm telling dumb jokes. John McCLAIN who is a music executive is one of the executors. I thought I'd give your eyeballs a jump.

The details of the trust are not public, but apparently the money goes to Katherine, his kids and various charities.

And in more Michael news, KTLA says that he will not be buried at Neverland. There's currently a law that forbids burials on private property. Gov. Schwarzenegger is trying to help the family get around the law, but so far no dice. Also, the planned public viewing at Neverland on Friday or Saturday might not happen after all. Santa Barbara County officials have yet to confirm that it's happening.

By the way, I must have that sweater in the picture above. I'll be making my own version tonight using an old sweatshirt and metal push pins from Rite-Aid.

You know Marilyn Manson ordered Evan Rachel Wood to scour the vintage stores and replicate Dita Von Teese's outfit or else! If she doesn't do it, she'll have to sleep in the coffin again.

Here's Dita looking like Lovey Howell as she tried to avoid the sun at the Coachella yesterday.

Dita recently said that she does whatever it takes to keep her baby powder skin from getting tan. She said, "I never go sunbathing. My worst fear is looking down and seeing brown, wrinkly cleavage. It will get white and wrinkly, but there is no need to rush it. I pack vitamins to stop the sun doing anything to me. Some foods accelerate tanning, so I'm very careful about what I eat." Damn. The woman has dedication. I get up, go piss, put on some sweats and call it a day. Dita probably spends 2 hours picking her outfit and then another 2 hours picking out shit to eat that won't tan her skin.

Below are some other twats at Coachella including Sienna Miller, Kelly Osbourne, Kimbo Stewart and Melanie Griffith. They don't hold a candle to Dita's glamour!

Is it just me or does Melanie look like she's suffering from cokey mouth?

Oh shit! TMZ has video of Diana Ross performing at the Air Jamaica Jazz & Blues Festival on Saturday for 40,000. They started booing her ass when they were told by concert organizers that the big screens had to be turned off. Diana apparently didn't want any cameras on her. She told organizers that if they had cameras on her she wouldn't perform. That means nobody could see her ass, so they started booing her throughout her entire set. Tickets went from around $80 to over $300.

Organizers said, "The much anticipated performance of Diana Ross on Saturday proved somewhat disappointing to many patrons who expected a very interactive set. Miss Ross' request to have a restricted display of her performance however, inconvenienced patrons who were left feeling distanced from the stage and her performance."

Diana just didn't want them to see the old up close like that. That's why I love Diana. She will come onstage dressed like Slimer from Ghostbusters busted a nut all over her, but she's afraid of a little close up.

The audience should have rushed the stage and tackled her ass demanding their cash back.

Click here if you can't see the video

A lot of bitches are always saying how most celebrities look god awful without make-up. Um...this is how everyone looks! I don't know about you, but when I walk down the street I don't see skanks in full-on drag. I wish, but I don't. They all have major abortion face. Although, I love the lady cashier that works at my neighborhood deli. Bitch comes to work in fake eyelashes, lip liner, the works! She's usually in full drag face, but wearing some beat down t-shirt and shitty jeans. It's all in the face.

Ok, Diana Ross is looking a little scary. Phone home Diana! Here's the lady singing the blues outside a Beverly Hills medical center yesterday.

Wenn

Dreamgirls the musical is loosely based on the story of The Supremes and rise of Diana Ross. She commented on the film during an interview with Good Morning America and David Letterman. Needless to say, she isn't a fan.

She told Letterman that she's been way too busy to see the film and said, “Yes, I’ve heard a lot about it. I’m going to see it with my lawyers.”

She also said the same thing to Diana Sawyer, "I hear they use my image and likeness. Maybe I should go see it with my lawyer."

Diana is also set to "mentor" contestants on American Idol. What the hell is she going to mentor them on? Wig buying?

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