Royals

Believe it or not, there's actually other weddings happening this weekend and my ass just so happens to be going to one in what most people call the England of America: TEXAS! No, I won't be ching ching-ing champagne flutes with the Princess of Moldavia like the royals will be, but I will definitely will be toasting to the bride and groom at the wedding I'm going to with plastic cups full of red wine and Coke, so who's the real winner here? Thankyouverymuch!

My flight keeps getting delayed for obvious reasons, but hopefully I'll get into Texas in time to score some street meth, snort a few lines of chopped up No-Doz and get myself nice and perky for an all-morning highblogging binge OF THE EVENT OF THE CENTURY YEAR MONTH WEEK WEEKEND (after the Texas royal wedding I'm going to, of course).

I will be co-liveblogging here at Dlisted with the fancies of The Morton Report beginning at 4am east coast time. They'll probably be the ones pointing out all the details while I incoherently ramble on as usual about how I got Chelsy Davy's numbah, etc! I'll be operating on natural craziness and gas station coffee, so I'll look how that Prince William wax figure feels. Or is it I'll feel how that Prince William wax figure looks? Shit, I'm already fucked up. Until then!

I'm still politely holding my hands in my lap (I'm typing with my tongue) and patiently waiting for the official royal wedding portrait of Prince Hot Ginge in his official best man uniform of no-coat and all-tails, but I guess I'll have to settle for this shit for now. Who ever is in charge of releasing official royal wedding portraits of Prince Teefs & Princess Groucho Marx Brows released this official royal wedding portrait of Prince Teefs & Princess Groucho Marx Brows this morning. It was taken by Mario Testino and will go in the wedding program next to this picture, of course.

You know where else this portrait is going? On the front window of every shameless mini-mall dentist who will use it to advertise their teeth whitening services. Don't be surprised if you see this portrait on a package of bootleg white strips at The Dollar General. This is like a Crest White Strip for my eyes. ALL TEEFS! I don't know whether I want to wish them congumulations or scare them off with a snake!

Anyway, here's some completely thrilling and totally clear pictures of Kate Middleton and the fire in my hole PHG waving at me today.

Prince Hot Ginge has just under 6 days to find the biggest belt buckle flask to wear with his uniform to Prince William and Kate Middleton's wedding this Friday, because they have done the absolutely unthinkable: they have put a ban on all beer and hard liquor at the reception! WHAT?! HOW?! HUH?! WHY?! Kate and William want to keep pinkies up, so they have chosen to serve only fine champagne (no ANDRE allowed) in flutes and wine (I'm not talking rosé and 7-Up either). If the belt buckle flask doesn't work out, PHG better find a way to hook himself up to a portable feeding tube filled with vodka, but this shit is serious.

A source tells The Mirror that Kate and William think it's all kinds of not classy for their guests to down pints while surrounded by royals of the world. The source went on to say, “There won’t be any beer. “Let’s face it, it isn’t really an appropriate drink to be serving in the Queen’s presence at such an occasion. And while the younger royals enjoy a pint from time to time, neither Kate nor William is a big beer drinker so they decided to leave it off the menu. It was always their intention to give their guests a sophisticated experience and they have chosen the food and drink with this in mind.”

They want to give everyone a sophisticated experience?! Well, then they're already failing. A wedding doesn't get stamped with a "sophisticated experience" label until guests have seen the bride in her wedding gown fish a can of Bud out of a kiddie pool filled with bagged ice while balancing a paper plate of El Pollo Loco on the other hand. Trust me. I've been to a lot of weddings and nothing makes me feel like I'm at a real special affair like that image.

In other royal wedding news, the entire guest list has been released. It includes Posh & Becks, Elton John, Joss Stone (????), Guy Ritchie (you know Madge is pissed), Mario Testino, Ian Thorpe and Rowan Atkinson. While scanning the 10-mile long list, I tried to think who I should try to impersonate when I crash that shit to get a sip of gin from PHG's belt buckle flask. Would I make a more believable Monsignor Philip Kerr or Princess Maha Chakri Sirindhorn of Thailand?

Behold! Here's the Duchess of Cornwall and the Duchess of the Death Eaters (undercover Muggle name: Duchess of Alba) having themselves a special moment while watching a performance at the Flamenco Museum in Seville, today. Camilla Parker Bowles is averting her eyes the way she does when Prince Charles takes his chonies off in a lit room, because the glorious Duchess of Alba reminds of when an albino marmoset with full grown lips attacked her without warning in a dandelion field when she was just a little girl.

And the Duchess of Alba can't stop staring at Camilla, because every time she opens her eyes from a blink, she's reminded of the fact that she's a brilliant raw diamond covered in precious pearl skin and topped with a dollop of angel pubes. Even the Duchess of Alba's breasts are sitting down and taking a nap, because they know they got this!

Camilla's fears only make the Duchess of Alba's beauty grow stronger (No, seriously, the Duchess of Alba is really eating Camilla's fears in that picture).

When I went out this morning to watch my dog piss like a girl dog (lazy ho won't lift his leg in the morn), it felt like I walked straight into someone's sneeze bubble. Cold, windy, misty and smelled like a phlegm ball. But when I got inside and fired up my life box (aka my laptop), these pictures of Prince Hot Ginge warmed the cockles of my cockles (smells like burnt pubes, boiled moth balls and extra salty tears). These pictures are your new fireplace DVD!

Everybody has temporarily moved up into Prince William and Kate Middleton's ass crack to get every piece of information about this royal wedding shit. "Is Kate going to wear a garter made of William's fallen head follicles?" "Is the priest going to follow royal wedding tradition by busting out a dearly beloved boner?" Blah. Blah. Blah.

But the only thing I really care about is if the Official Royal Wedding website is going to do the right thing by streaming the wedding live from a Prince Hot Ginge crotch cam. The ONLY way to watch a British royal wedding is from the point of view of PHG's crotch. Since PHG's fiery crotch scepter is as sensitive as he is, I'm sure it will also cry tears of happiness at this blessed event. And then we can all imagine wiping those tears off with our... No, no, I won't go any further. There are children present in these pictures!

Here's PHG in and out of uniform at the Mary Rose Museum this past weekend and I also threw in some pictures of Prince William at a barbecue in Australia.

While my brain is spending its rollover thought minutes on wondering if Prince Hot Ginge is going to wear his lucky Union Jack thong on Britain's special day, most hos are thinking about Kate Middleton's wedding dress. Kate's hitchin' gown is going to be the second most famous dress of the century after THE SLUT DRESS, and now the Telegraph is saying that it will be designed by Sarah Burton of Alexander McQueen. YES! YES! YES! There will be nothing better than seeing Kate Middleton walk down the aisle dressed like a reindeer ghost who fell into a mountain of moth balls after crashing through a gothic grandma's front room curtains. Say fuck yes to that dress, Kate.

The house of Alexander McQueen has denied the rumors, but the Telegraph thinks they are just saying that to keep the noisy noses from sniffing up their assholes. A source says that Kate and Sarah Burton are working on the dress together. The Telegraph goes on:

Mrs Burton, who took over as creative director of the fashion label following the suicide of Alexander McQueen last year, strenuously denied having won the commission.

But sources said the 36-year-old had been chosen for the discretion afforded by her relatively low profile, as well as for her alternative take on elegance.

If confirmed, the selection of one of Britain's edgiest labels will be seen as a fresh attempt by Miss Middleton to develop her own unique style after drawing criticism in some quarters for her "conservative" dress sense.

Welp, the designers at David's Bridal can toss their sketch pads into the dumpster, because I guess this contest was won a long time ago. Seriously, though, Kate should have to tackle and stab a trick in the neck for a wedding dress like normal hos do!

And here's a few pictures of Kate throughout the years that her family released. If marrying a royal means that your family gets to release all the awkward photos you thought you burned in a metal trash can in the backyard, then count me the hell out. No, I don't mean that. If getting to wear Prince Hot Ginge's family jewels on my heads means that everybody gets to see me looking like an anorexic brown Bichon Frise with glasses, then bring 'em out.

Prince William and his princess bride-to-be Kate Middleton made their first official engagement as a couple in North Wales today. Prince Willy and Kate made the drunks sad in their thirsty places when they christened a lifeboat by pouring delicious champagne on it. I've never understood this truly hurtful tradition. Why waste the sweet nectar on a boat that doesn't have a mouth, can't get drunk and will never appreciate the warm feeling of a good buzz? Kate should've put that bottle inside of the lifeboat instead. Because if I ever have to throw my life into a lifeboat, I'd like a bottle of champagne to nurse my feelings of uncertainty.

After the future King and Queen of England wasted the booze, they greeted their subjects including a little girl who didn't know how to tell Kate that a mother bird from the fluffy nest on top of William's dome flew away and crashed into the side of her head. Yeah, I think William was trying to tell Kate the same thing too.

"GURRRRRRRRRL" - Prince William's facial expression

And me. I didn't get one of these in my mailbox either, but that isn't going to stop me from making a counterfeit one using the most skilled day clerk at Kinko's, a gold Sharpie a copy of Prince Hot Ginge's saliva (made with jalapeno lube, the gel from 2 Red Hots, vodka mucous and liquid fire). This is the fancy invitation that Prince William and Kate Middleton sent out last week to 1,000 of their closest friends as well as 900 family members, government officials and dignitaries from around the world. Yes, and I've already sent my reply to Lord Richard Chamberlain requesting the bangers and mash for dinner and the spotted dick (I'm guessing PHG has freckles all over) for dessert.

Popeater says that one name has been left off the guest list for Prince Willy and Kate Bottompound's wedding (or as Kate calls it, THE DAY THE CROWN IS FINALLY FUCKING MINE day) and that name begins with "The Original" and ends with "Fergie." Even though Fergie's ex-husband Prince Andrew and their two daughters were invited, Fergie was not. Sources say that the royal family did not appreciate Fergie selling their asses out and think that if she goes to the wedding, she'll hide a camera in her QVC broach and sell the pictures to the News of the World. Fergie confirms that she wasn't invited and says that she never expected a royal eVite to land in her inbox anyway.

It isn't a royal event without Fergie there to throw cunt shade at The Queen (a cuntsy, if you will) and then ruin the whole thing by drunkenly falling into the cake while doing the electric slide. Fergie can be my plus one when I crash that shit with the help of my counterfeit invitation. But she better wear her finest gold leisure suit since Prince William and Kate are obviously serious about their loungewear.

On the balcony of Buckingham Palace this morning, a herald screamed out "HEAR YE! HEAR YE!" before proclaiming that Prince William has chosen his brother Prince Hot Ginge as his best man and Kate Middleton has chosen her sister Pippa as her maid of honor. Prince William would've been launched into the moat if he didn't go with Prince Hot Ginge, but I'm a little disappointed that Kate Middleton didn't ask England's finest rose Jodie Marsh to be her maid of honor. The royal wedding has now slid back a few places on the elegance scale due to Kate's mistake.

The BBC says it was also announced that Kate will have four bridesmaids (more like bridestoddlers) including 7-year-old Lady Louise Windsor, 8-year-old Margarita Armstrong-Jones, 3-year-old Grace van Cutsem and the Duchess of Cornbread's 3-year-old granddaughter Eliza Lopes. Prince William's pageboys will be 8-year-old Tom Pettifer and 10-year-old William Lowther-Pinkerton.

A BRIDAL PARTY OF BABIES!!! This almost ruins everything. How am I supposed to successfully disguise myself as a member of the royal bridal party when they're all as tall as garden gnomes? I guess I'll have to super glue tiny shoes to my knees and hope that nobody thinks it's weird that one of the baby bridesmaids has a 5 o'clock shadow (I'm from Camilla's side of the family). It's a good thing I can walk for miles on my knees. File that under: skills I learned while dating a dude with Restless Leg Syndrome.

In preparation for April 29th, I've been taking night classes at the Learning Annex on royal British wedding etiquette. Royal etiquette states that the best man must wear an ascot thong with a cut-out and carry the ring on his crotch finger. When Prince William and Kate Middleton are pronounced husband and wife, the best man must tear off his thong and do the dick slappy dance down the aisle. This happened at every single one of King Henry VIII's weddings. These are the rules and Prince Hot Ginge better abide by them or off with his head (or is it, off with his clothes so that we can all give him head?).

Prince William and Kate Middleton can kindly step aside, because the royal wedding march that is playing right now is meant for 85-year-old Duchess de Alba and her groom-to-be Alfonso Díez! Spain Review reports that the powdery dandelion will marry Alfonso this September making him her third husband. Duchess de Alba is one of Spain's most richest people and she owns the most land in the country, so she's forced Alfonso to sign a prenup in the blood of her grandson Voldemort.

An official confirmation has not been delivered by doves from the House of de Alba, but at a fashion event in Sevilla, the duchess answered "si" when somebody asked her if she was marrying Alfonso this fall. And we should also wait for the official announcement from the British royal family stating that William and Kate's wedding has been postponed indefinitely. Kate Middleton knows she can't compete. The title of "Most Beautiful Bride of 2011" has already been claimed by the duchess even though the field mice have yet to complete her wedding gown using the finest cobwebs and lace.

And you might as well start updating your address book now since it's going to take you a few months. The Duchess de Alba's full name will change from:

María del Rosario Cayetana Paloma Alfonsa Victoria Eugenia Fernanda Teresa Francisca de Paula Lourdes Antonia Josefa Fausta Rita Castor Dorotea Santa Esperanza Fitz-James Stuart, Silva, Falcó y Gurtubay

to:

María del Rosario Cayetana Paloma Alfonsa Victoria Eugenia Fernanda Teresa Francisca de Paula Lourdes Antonia Josefa Fausta Rita Castor Dorotea Santa Esperanza Fitz-James Stuart, Silva, Falcó y Gurtubay Díez

The 9-inch dick of names! It just rolls and rolls and rolls and rolls and rolls and rolls and rolls off your tongue.

(Thanks Sue)