Royals

According to Showbiz Spy, the lovely, petite, not-bloated-and-saggy-at-all flower known as Courtney Love has been unceremoniously plucked from the garden of Henry Allsopp (godson of Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall) while she was trying to get her roots on. The source says she moved in with him last November after they'd been slobbering on each other for about a month, but his family freaked the hell out so he Weed-Be-Gone'd that bitch.

I can't imagine why the royal family would not welcome the eternally elegant Courtney with open arms, but alas the title of Lady Love eludes her. She said that “These days I’m only interested in plutocrats,” which makes sense because you know there are SO many billionaires who would love to put a fresh daisy like Court in their lapel. You fluff up those petals and go, girl!

The happening of Pippa Middleton has stepped up its game since she became single and now it's added a new strain. Specifically, a ginger strain that causes rigor mortis in the nipples and leaks in the genitals. In news that is about as expected as me writing "leaks in the genitals," UsWeekly put Prince Hot Ginge and Pippa Middleton together on their cover this week. Now, I know this should make me bust into a flailing ball of rage and perform the one-bitch version of Falling Down in my own apartment (my dog will play the Robert Duvall role) but this is just one of those silicone chest cutlet covers! You know, on the outside they look like a pair of organic chichis sprouted from nature, but it's a different story on the inside.

Jezebel says that the outside of UsWeekly's cover screams OMGPIPPAANDHARRYAREFUCKING but on the inside it says that they've never been on a date and PHG is actually back with that South African sloppy slut Chelsy Davy! But this isn't going to stop tabloids from putting PHG and Pippa together without actually putting them together, so let me help them out by speeding this wishful thinking relationship up!

Issue Date: July 6, 2011
Cover headline: Prince Harry's Romantic Late-Night Movie Date With "Pippa"
Story: A source close to Prince Harry exclusively tells Us that the world's most eligible royal bachelor came home from the pub late one night and turned on the telly to find Pippi Longstocking playing. "Prince Harry was completely charmed by the movie and said that the name 'Pippi' sounds just like the name 'Pippa.' Harry said that he's going to call Pippa 'Pippa Longstocking' from now on. When he laughed, I could tell he was thinking about her," said the source. A rep for Pippa could not be reached for comment.

Issue Date: August 3, 2011
Cover headline: Inside Prince Harry & Pippa's Intimate Fantasy Wedding! "The bride looked gorgeous!"
Story: Prince Harry and Pippa Middleton stand side by side at a wedding....for their mutual friend's dogs! A witness tells Us, "At one point during the reception, the pug groom had a little accident on Prince Harry's arm. Pippa immediately grabbed a paper towel and cleaned it up for him. Pippa's hand lingered for a moment." E-mails and phone calls to the bride and groom's representatives were not returned by press time.

Issue Date: September 7, 2011
Cover headline: Prince Harry & Pippa's SHOCKING SPLIT!
Story: During a get together at Prince William and Duchess Catherine's apartment at Kensington Palace, Pippa Middleton ate a spoon full of Prince Harry's banana split. This was uncharacteristic for Pippa since there's been whispers among royal sources that she's lactose intolerant. "I was bored. It was a Friday. Leave me alone!," said the intern who wrote this story.

There we go!!! A date, wedding and break-up cover to take us through summer! Now we can go back to thinking Pippa is just a lispy Bostonian's way of saying pepper. And for those of us who know what's good, we can go back to fapping to Prince Hot Ginge without Pippa's face cock blocking us!

And now the media's hungry anuses really are going to fall off from the over-excitement of trying to make Pippa Middleton a thing we all care about, because she is officially single and ready to mingle with publicists who can set her up with famous dudes that will get her into the tabloids even more! I hope you like the taste of unflavored marmalade and stale crumpets, because the most boring lump of boring in Britain is really about to get shoved down our throats until we start shitting locks of shiny brown hair. The "MAKE PIPPA HAPPEN!!!" campaign is in overdrive! Actually, it's out of gas and we're all standing around with our arms crossed like, "Nope, I'm not pushing it to the nearest BP."

People that Duchess Kate's sister broke up with Alex Loudon who was her date to the royal wedding. A source says that Pippa and Alex are still friends and it's "common knowledge in their close circle of friends that Pippa and Alex have recently split up." Pippa has already been seen doing the photo op stroll with her ex-boyfriend George Percy who's the son of the Duke of Northumberland.

This is the thing, I'm sure Pippa Middleton is a lovely and pleasant bowl of oatmeal and I respect her hustle, but we already have a Blake Lively and we don't need another one! If you dipped Blake Lively's hair into brown paint and slapped a British accent on her tongue, she'd still be Blake Lively! There's only enough Zzzzzzzzs in the world for one Blake Lively!

And I can't leave you with a picture of Pippa's basic ass, so here's a flambe in the form of Prince Hot Ginge's nipples at a polo match. The media is obviously going to try to put Pippa and PHG together but it's not going to happen in real life. PHG loves his hos the same way I love my lemonade: freckled, sour and full of vodka.

Prince Hot Ginge, Prince William, Duchess Kate, Prince Philip and Camilla all gathered together to celebrate Queen Elizabeth: The Sequel's official birthday (which technically is in April) by doing what they do best: smiling and waving while riding in a carriage.

The professional waver and smilers rode through Central London today before they ended up on a balcony where they continued to wave and smile as their subjects. They also busted into a pose that was just begging for a Fergie-loving pigeon to drop a shit bomb on their perfect layer of gleaming white Chiclets. Damn you, pigeons! You disappoint us all.

But someone that didn't disappoint, FOR ONCE, was Kate Middleton. Kate wore a bowl hat on her head that is perfect for carrying condoms, a litter of orphan kittens, bountiful amounts of fruit and couples' keys at a key party. Kate definitely had the hat of the day, but Prince Philip's bear dick hat and Prince Hot Ginge's Troop Beverly Hills beret were a close second and third.

The who's who of British society - let me stop and start again. The who's who of British society minus Amy Wino, Jodie Marsh, Pete Doherty, Harvey Price, Alicia Douvall, the cast of Geordie Shore and.. Wait, since I put it that way I should really say that the who cares of British society (that's better) gathered at the ARK 10th Anniversary gala at Perk's Field in London tonight to bask in the blinding white glory shooting off of Prince William and Duchess Kate's teeth. I swear, whenever I see these two I just want to make out with a Chiclet or gently hump my teeth with a Crest White Stripes.

It's been six weeks since Duchess Kate secured the second most coveted position in the world, Prince Hot Ginge's sister-in-law (the first being, Prince Hot Ginge's peen ring), and tonight she and Prince William attended their first evening gala as a married ass couple. Tom Ford, Elizabeth Hurley, Kevin Spacey and others were part of the lucky few who got to see the royal teeth up close.

And Duchess Kate's dress looks cotton candy slobber, so it works for me.

But my Photoshop does not want to play nice. It keeps crashing and I have a sneaking suspicion it's because it doesn't want to break royal protocol by taking an active role in all the foolish things I'm going to do this picture. When Prince Hot Ginge opens his mouth wide to scream "MOVE YOUR BLOOMIN' ASS" at a derby, my Photshop's hands go up while mine go down. The Queen knows what I'm talking about and she wish she didn't. I will go to TJ Maxx today and find a pocketbook that looks just like The Queen's. Then I will smack myself with said pocketbook as punishment.

PHG joined Prince William, Duchess Kate, Princess Eugenie, Princess Bea, The Queen and this slut at the Epsom Derby today. The Queen's horse technically came in third place, but after she ordered first place and second place to the glue factory, it was given the top prize. But I feel like I won the top prize thanks to all these pictures of PHG making pre, during and post orgasm faces. Prince William's top hat also gets a prize for taking his hotness levels up a few notches by hiding the dried crabgrass garden on his head.

Fuck the whole "future King and Queen of England" shit, these two really have an amazingly successful career in dental poster modeling ahead of them. Look at all those teefs! So big! So many of them! Prince William and Duchess Kate are straight up teeth hoarders and I don't even mind. This is obviously all part of the royal family's campaign to dispel the stereotype that all Brits have teeth like a meth-ey llama who brushes with a chainsaw. It's working!

You know how Prince Charles told Camilla that he wants to be reincarnated as her tampon? Well, I want to be reincarnated as Prince William's floss. Actually, I really want to be reincarnated as Prince Hot Ginge's Radiant Red Daily Pube Shampoo, but Prince William's floss is my second choice.

Above is Prince and Princess Teefs on the cover of Vanity Fair, because they aren't nearly on the cover of enough magazines even though every grocery store checkout looks like a stalker's altar to the royal family. And below is the Blake Lively of England, Pippa Middleton, at the French Open yesterday.

President Obama's Tour of DOHs through the UK and Ireland made a stop at another DOH last night during a royal banquet at the Queen's house. Obama's first DOH came when his limo "The Beast" broke down in Dublin and his second came when he revealed that he's a time traveler by writing the wrong date in the guest book at Westminster Abbey. And last night, Obama talked over the national anthem, which is a no no and will earn you a slap to the mouth. To put things into perspective, this is the fancy equivalent of talking during your grandma's stories.

On The View this morning, they said that Obama also broke protocol by touching his glass before Her Majesty the Queen touched hers. Buckingham Palace hasn't seen a moment as awkward as this since Prince Charles kissed Princess Diana on the balcony.

Diamond crown or not, the Queen is still a grandma and her natural instincts are to throw an "I got your number, hussy!" look when somebody acts backwards in her presence. Camilla was secretly sighing with relief on the inside, because up until last night she was the only one who was the recipient of one of the Queen's "fire up the guillotine" eyes.

This is why Prince Hot Ginge and I could never be (I know, I'm breaking his heart). I'd fart in those chairs and down that glass in one gulp. You don't ever try to fart in a memaw's house. They can hear it enter the gates before it actually does. You don't know how many times I've sat in a grandma's house and suddenly found her screaming at me, "Take it outside! Take it outside!"

In a room at Buckingham Palace that was modeled after the lobby of The Bellagio resort & casino in Las Vegas, the Obamas shot the shit with Princess William and Duchess Kate who probably smelled like freshly charred skin and disappointed genitals since they just got back from their honeymoon.

While Kate apologized for her lady-in-waiting Jodie Marsh not being present and Prince William demonstrated with his hands why the hos really love Prince Hot Ginge (just let me believe), the butler in the corner looked at Michelle Obama and wondered if all women in America dress like the flower girl in a My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding (or like a toddler at a quinceanera).

President Obama and Michelle later met up with Queen Elizabeth, her dude, Prince Charles and Camilla. I love that the Queen is totally one of those old ladies who takes her pocketbook with her wherever she goes, even her front porch. Any wise memaw keeps her purse with her at all times, because you never know when a thieving hand (belonging to Fergie) will dip in to snatch a coin.

With everyone's idol Flower Girl Grace trying to stop the madness with her hands and this picture of Prince Hot Ginge checking up on his royal scepter, I can say with complete confidence that there's nothing more to see here. Our work here is done! If you don't believe me, stick a thermometer in my no-no to be sure. Yeah, you probably won't ever see it again, but by the off chance you do, you'll see that whatever Royal Wedding fever shit I was suffering from is now gone! I must now focus my energy on trying to find a coffin whose interior goes perfectly with the picture above. Don't act like you didn't know I was going to bond this picture to the inside of my coffin door so that I can ride it to the underworld. I like to plan ahead.

So with that, the party is over! Grab a centerpiece and fill your purse with plastic swans and Jordan Almonds before that sneaky shifty ginger Fergie crawls in to snatch 'em all for her eBay business. And since we're on the subject of that mess Fergie, I also threw in some pictures of her daughters Princess Eugenie and Beatrice looking like they just fell out of the Big Business costume closet. The good thing is that Princess Beatrice's hat will be donated to a middle school science class so that they can see what real life intestines look like.