Royals

Wearing this dress is only acceptable if the year is 1987, you live in Arkansas, your name is Destiny and you accessorize this shit with a broken condom baby in your stomach and a six-pack of Natty Ice as your wedding bouquet. Oh and some Whitesnake song better be the wedding march. This dress also works if you're my abuelita and you're wearing it on your head to Sunday mass.

Okay, I know this is Miss America and all, but Katie Stam from Indiana should have not been crowned while wearing this dress. She didn't even wear the right shoes! Only exquisite lucite heels could properly compliment this elegant ensemble. It's like her mom bought this dress when she was a little girl and said, "One day my baby will wear this gorgeous gown to the shotgun wedding of her dreams!" Unfortunately, the shotgun wedding hasn't happened yet, so she wore it to the Miss America pageant instead. This dress just confirmed that the whole Miss America crap is still sitting comfortably in the mid 1980s and refuses to move. It kind of sucks that I missed the whole mess on TV. It always makes for good entertainment while you're bonging.

And try to look a little bit surprised when SHOCKING pictures of our new Miss America are discovered on her Facebook in a couple of months.

I see what Prince William is trying to do here. He's thinking in his smart brain that if he makes it hairy on his face, we won't notice the scraggly patch of weeds trying to grow on his head. Wrong! I can still spot his half-grown Chia Pet head a mile away! The beard makes that shit worse. Since he's smart in the brains, maybe he's going to shave off his beard and superglue that shit on his head. Hopefully, that's what he's doing, because his "Can you spare a dollar?" beard is not the look.

Prince William looks like he's been spending the better part of the month living in a cave, feeding on squirrel tales, shitting in holes in the ground and brushing his teeth with plant leaves. Basically, he looks like he's been hanging out with those evil Olsen trolls.

Prince Hot Ginge on the other hand, looks like a big piece of hot sexy, as always. I wish I had some marshmallows, so that I could put them on his fire stick and watch them melt. We'd have S'mores without the chocolate, because I don't play that nasty shit.

Notice how Prince William is staying away from his hotter brother. He can't get too close because the heat from Prince Hot Ginge will singe his pube beard.

Here's the royals including Prince Willy, Prince Hot Ginge, Princess Cartooney Eyes and Queen Elizabeth leaving Christmas mass yesterday.

MARRIEEED? Noooooooo! Dame Elizabeth Taylor, friend to the gays, went out to dinner last night at The Abbey in West Hollywood looking like she was just wheeled out from the cast photo of Dallas. If anybody else was wearing this outfit, I'd immediately order them to spend a little time with the Fug Girls. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. But this is a legend we're talking about! She could wear a "I Hate Spaghetti Cat" t-shirt and I would still adore her. I'd throw her a couple of side-eyes and lip smacks, but I'd still be one of her devotees. Besides, those pants look extra sexy on her and I'm not fucking being sarcastic.

You know, I'd gladly give up one of my internet porn memberships to be one of Dame Elizabeth's best girlfriends. She probably tells the nastiest jokes. I knew a memaw like her who made me sound like a virgin nun. She also used to give me shit from her house when I said I liked it. Once I told her I liked some ashtray she stole from a Holiday Inn and she told me I could have it! Dame Elizabeth probably does that. You just have to pick up your Oscar, tell her it's so beautiful and shiny....and voila! It's yours. She's perfect.

And when I become a memaw and need to be wheeled around, I really want that hot blonde chick to do it.

Prince William got caught by a pap giving a golden shower to a fence during one of his polo match and you can see his royal turtle smiling for the cameras. Actually, I think it's frowning. It wants some fucking privacy. And you can tell Prince William is a royal, because he holds his peen all classy-like. He probably shakes it with his pinky up.

If these were pictures of Prince Hot Ginge, I'd probably be running to the hospital, because my genitals would have exploded. Although, I doubt a pap could ever get a clear picture of Hot Ginge's peen. His ginge pubies are so shiny and magnificent that they blind cameras. Bitches have to wear cataract glasses when going down on him.

Anyway, Prince Willy's willy is after the jump. Don't lick the screen please. That could be dangers. JUMP!!!

Hell no. The Mirror posted a couple of pictures of Prince Willy hanging out with "two showgirls." They call Xtina and Wonky McValtrex "showgirls." That's just a polite way of saying "two whores."

Prince Willy was out with Prince Harry at London's Whisky Mint when he suddenly excused himself to go talk to Xtina who was sitting with Bat Boy nearby. A witness claims the "two sat very close, swapping numbers and flirting outrageously." Outrageously! Xtina was probably just trying to offer Prince Willy her hat so that he could cover his bald spot.

A few moments later, Wonky McValtrex sat her slut ass at Xtina's table. I'm surprised everyone didn't run like roaches in fear of catching her diseases. When Wonky showed up, Prince Hot Ginge hit the road. That's right. He knows that even looking her way will send you straight to the free clinic.

Prince Willy stuck around and braved Wonky's mutant crabs. The witness said after a few minutes the two were exchanging numbers. Please. Wonky was just giving him the number to the doctor that can fix the rash he got from sitting so close to her.

Yesterday, the Ivy rolled out the royal carpet for the Empress of Lucite and that piece of trash Prince Von A-Hole. The always gracious and elegant Shauna Sand allowed that bag of hot donut sweat to bestow her with some cheap lingerie. Being the kind soul that she is, Shauna accepted Prince Von A-Hole's gifts with a beautiful smile. But we all know that the minute she puts on that sleazy shit, her celestial skin will melt it off. The Empress of Lucite is much too pure for tawdry shit like that! Only the finest shit from Paris belongs on her skin.

I'm a little worried for her, though. She didn't wear her exquisite lucite heels yesterday, which means her powers weren't as strong. This is probably why Prince Von A-Hole was able to touch her without his greasy paws getting burned by her blistering elegance.

Here's more of the natural beauty with a nasty beast on Robertson Blvd. in Los Angeles yesterday.

A British royal skank went on a drunken streaking rampage on the grounds of their fancy ass boarding school this weekend. Unfortunately, it wasn't Prince Hot Ginge. He was too busy sucking vodka through his urethra. It was Princess Eugenie, daughter of Fergie and sister of Princess Bug Eyes.

18-year-old Eugenie was found "frolicking" under the moon with a bunch of friends. That's so....Shakespearean. One of the HBICs woke up and busted their bare asses.

A source said, "She and the others were told they had to go home and only return to take their exams. There were not enough staff on Saturdays and Sundays to supervise them, and they were told they couldn’t be trusted to behave." Yeah, because they are so bad ass!

Oh Eugenie, you so scandalous! Seriously, that's child's play shit! I was running around naked and drunk when I was like 2. Shit, I think we all are. Eugenie needs to step it up. Do some ho shit.

Next time, she needs to bring Prince Hot Ginge along, get him to take it all off and document it with a 4-person camera the crew. The world desperately needs to see video footage of the elusive hot ginge creature in all its naked glory.

Thanks Mathew

Prince Hot Ginge is killing me softly. The other day he was photographed in a tux and now he's holding a baby. He's giving me a sign. He's ready to get married and start a family. I'm coooooming Hot Ginge!!!

Just wait one second. In the first thumbnail below, is he telling us how big his carrot stick is? Oh, eff that! That's a deal breaker right there.

Here's Prince Hot Ginge touring University Hospital in Cardiff, Wales.

Now I know what Prince Hot Ginge will look like on our wedding day! I can't wait to Photoshop my gay ass into these pictures. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be in the bathroom with these pictures and a big piece of ginger root. Stings so good.

Forbes Magazine has put out a list of the "20 Hottest Young Royals" in the world. You know, because the oldie olsens at Forbes really know what's hot and sexy. The mag only considered unmarried royals under the age of 35. Guess who was number 1? Nope, not Princess Buggy Eyes. Nope, not Prince Hot Ginge either. Prince Willy was number 1! RECOUNT! Prince Willy should have been number 19 and his bald spot should have been number 20.

The list should have looked like this:

1: Prince Hot Ginge!
2: Princess Bea
3. Clay Gayken (he is the biggest queen in the world)

Here's how Forbes' Top 10 looked:

1. Prince William (Britain)
2. Prince Harry (Britain)
3. Zara Phillips (Britain)
4. Princess Beatrice (Britain)
5. Charlotte Casiraghi (Monaco)
6. Sheikh Hamdan bin Mohammed bin Rashid al Maktoum (Dubai)
7. Princess Victoria (Sweden)
8. Prince Azim (Brunei)
9. Prince Carl Philip (Sweden)
10. Andrea Casiraghi (Monaco)

Visit CNN to see the rest of the list.

Thanks JenRo