Paula Abdul

At the premiere of the new Michael Jackson movie This Is It in Los Angeles yesterday, this lady stood for hours with her eyes poppin' out and her perfect eyebrows waiting to pounce as soon as Detective La Toya hit the red carpet. Unfortunately, the woman's (and my) dreams were crushed into dust, because La Toya never graced the crowd with her glamour. La Toya refused to see the film, because she wants to keep a clear head to help her with the ongoing investigation to get to the bottom of EVERYTHING. And because La Toya said Michael would've never wanted his rehearsal footage to be made into a feature film. La Toya would know since I'm sure Michael communicated this to her using morse code.

Even though La Toya wasn't there, the premiere was still attended by a giant cast of characters. Some of these bitches would show up to the opening of a dick hole as long as cameras were there (I'm looking at you, Wonky).

Below is: Celestia (and her son who is trying to get away from her), Steve Sanders, Tito Jackson, Jackie Jackson, Marlon Jackson, Jermaine Jackson, JLo, JLove, Jaime Kennedy, Joey McIntyre, Katy Perry, Glamberace, Lou Ferrigno (with his glamorous wife), Neil Patrick Harris, Paula Abdul, Rosanna Arquette, Vivica Fox, Will Smith and some bottom shelf call girl.

Here's Blohan and Paula Abdul making pharmaceutical stocks rise while posing together at Richard Branson's "Rock The Kasbah" party in Los Angeles last night. Later on in the night, the two bonded even more while trying to smoke crushed up Klonopin pills out of a hookah.

Despite Blohan's nails looking like she just spent the past hour scratching out the residue from a crack pipe, she does look a little "better" here. Right? Or maybe I'm getting a contact high from these pictures and she still looks like a sun dried apricot.

Paula Abdul showed those idiotic American Idol producers just exactly what they're missing out at last night's DIVA Live concert. You can't put a price on this kind of potent crazy. Paula, who hosted the show, poked at Ellen Degeneres' prune box by dressing up as her and imitating her "penguin with hemorrhoids" moves to perfection. And it was nice of Kim Zolciak to lend her weekend merkin (for when Big Poppa wants a little fur on his teeth) to Paula Abdul to wear as a head wig.

Before Paula channeled her inner perky butchie, she opened the show with a medley of her greatest hits (below) and this is going to go down in lip-synch HISTORY. I don't even think Paula was moving her lips. But in her defense, her mouth was probably numb due to mixing massive amounts of Tijuana-bought Vicodin, daytime Benadryl and Pepsi Zero.

My favorite moment of the entire show is when Paula almost stumbled into the audience at the 1:14 mark. YES! Ellen could never do the pill popper stumble even if she tried.

Paula's performance could also double as a live re-creation of the Hindenburg disaster.

When I first heard that Ellen Degeneres was going to replace our favorite loopy pill popper on American Idol, I immediately said a small prayer for Paul's medicine cabinet, because I knew it was going to get messed up majorly during her meltdown. If Paula did freak out like Wino during a full moon, then she quickly brushed the Vicodin dust off of her, downed a Red Bull and pulled it together long enough to issue this statement about being replaced:

"American Idol is a fantastic show that offers an invaluable platform to young talent. Ellen DeGeneres is wildly funny and talented in her own right. I wish her and the show only the best of luck."

If only statements came in 3D. This one would be filled with side-eyes, stumbles, slurring, middle fingers and spitting. Paula is probably just playing nice to throw producers off into thinking she's going to behave. That way it will be easy for her to hide between Simon Cowell's fur titties before the season premiere and pop out when they all least expect it! You can't keep a crazy down. Ever!

VIA E!

The demonic warlords at American Idol can not stop the little pill popper who can! Paula always rises HIGH HIGH HIGH above (after nose dancing with a little Nitrous). We can resume playing the "Do a shot every time Paula does the Vicodin stutter" drinking game, because Paula Abdul will host Vh1's Divas Live on September 17th.

This is her first TV job since Idol left her career for dead in the gutter! Paul was in talks with ABC for a role on Ugly Betty and a judge spot on Dancing with the Has-Beens, but that didn't work out, because they refused to install an InstyMeds kiosk in her trailer. Rude!

After four years, Divas Live will return with a line-up which includes: Kelly Clarkson, Miley Cyrus, Adele, Leona Lewis and Jordin Sparks.

We're going to need Detective La Toya Jackson to bring her magnifying glass over here and tell us where the divas are. Because I don't see any in that list.

I mean, Miley Cyrus?! One of Queen Aretha Franklin's juicy chichi dingles is more of a diva than Miley. Was Noah Cyrus already booked at the Spearmint Rhino, because EVEN she is more of a diva than Miley. Hopefully, Paula Abdul's crackhead antics will save this show!

VIA MTV

Posh's bony ass blew into Denver yesterday on a paper airplane to sit in as the guest judge on American Idol next to Hackey McClutchJaw and Simon "The Titty" Cowell. According to Radar, not everyone was clapping with their labia lips when they saw Posh. Some contestants were disappointed that Paula wasn't there. Obviously, these contestants don't go on the internet, watch TV, listen to radio, talk to other people or read the "breaking news" section of their PharmRep Magazine, because every bitch knew Paula wasn't going to be there.

Some source-type (aka Paula's day-shift dealer) added, "It didn't go too well. She tried to hard to be 'nice,' but came off as icy and wooden."

If they expected Posh to be crying, then they need to quit sniffing Paula's homemade paste and come back down to Earth. Posh can't cry, because if she sheds one liquid tear, she will immediately dehydrate and turn into a lump of bone dust. And we already know she's as icy as Nicole Kidman's bare clit in a snowstorm. We know this and would expect nothing less.

I shall end this post with some pictures of our Vicodin Viking rising from the ashes by greeting her public at Burbank Airport yesterday. If that Officer Pepaw only knew what was in her bag....

TMZ is saying that when Paula Abdul announced on her Twatter that she is not returning to American Idol next season, she was basically handing in her resignation. The producers still thought they were in negotiations with Vicodin's forever girl. Basically, Paula quit a job via Twitter. The internet has gone too far.

Apparently, Paula, who made around $2 million last season, asked for a 500% raise. Paula didn't feel loved by the producers when she read that Gaycrest was getting $45 million for 3 years and Simon was getting $100 million per year. When she asked for $20 million, the producers laughed until they queefed and then countered with $10 million. Instead of countering back, Paula decided to Tweet her farewell and the producers took that as her official bow. A couple of hours later, they issued a statement confirming that the crazy has left the building for good. And this morning, the stock for Vicodin hit the sky, because everyone knew where Paula was heading....

This is not the end of Paula on American Idol! I can't wait to see the look on those whore's faces when Paula comes skipping into auditions disguised as a 14-year-old girl named "Skaterina Kat" wearing her outfit from Junior High School: THE MOVIE. We're goooona have a paaaartaaaaaaay!

Oh, Paula, you'll always have the golden ticket (aka a blank prescription pad) to my HEART!

Image VIA Woman's Day

"Where is God when you need him, because this does not make sense." - Paula Abdul

Quick! Fill the bath tub with Paula Abdul's CODE BLUE cocktail (everything in the medicine cabinet and Diet Pepsi), because my world has just shattered! Paula Abdul announced on her Twatter that American Idol will lose its brightest (aka craziest) star. These are the tearful words Paula wrote:

With sadness in my heart, I’ve decided not to return to #IDOL. I’ll miss nurturing all the new talent, but most of all I’ll miss nurturing all the new talent,but most of all being a part of a show that I helped from day1become an international phenomenon. What I want to say most, is how much I appreciate the undying support and enormous love that you have showered upon me. It truly has been breathtaking, especially over the past month.

American Idol, we're fucking done professionally! How dare they kick Paula to the gutter (where she will probably find a few lude pills - SCORE FOR HER), but keep that useless flap of skin Kara DioYOUKILLEDPAULA! SCRAGS BITCHES! This is a travesty! And where was Simon in all of this?! While he was soaking his tittays in a bowl of cocoa butter, Paula was getting pink-slipped! All he had to do was give up his tight t-shirt budget, so they could give Paula a few more coins. Damn all of them!

It's like I'm blowin' morphine-covered kisses in the wind and Paula isn't there to catch them anymore. Sads.

The callback auditions for American Idol start on August 6th and Paula Abdul might be missing from the judges table! This time, the reason for Paula's absence will not be because she's passed out face-first in the toilet in the ladies room No. Paula might not be there, because the hos in charge of Idol have yet to send her a proposal for a new contract.

Fur Tittays Cowell just signed a new contract for around $100 million, but the producers have forgotten all about the little crazy who can.

Paula's manager told The Los Angeles Times, "Very sadly, it does not appear that she's going to be back on Idol. I find it under these circumstances particularly unusual; I think unnecessarily hurtful. I find it kind of unconscionable and certainly rude and disrespectful that they haven’t stepped up and said what they want to do. She’s not a happy camper as a result of what’s going on. She’s hurt. She’s angry. I think at this point we’re going to be considering everything, including some kind of a competition show. She has tremendous ideas for a whole variety of shows."

The word "hurtful" doesn't even begin to describe the atrocities the producers are putting Paula through! I might have to down a few cups of Paula's "weekend brew" (made with Darvocet dust, Diet Mountain Dew, dextromethorphan oil, fermented peaches and a drop of Simon's nipple nectar, ) just to deal with this awful news. If you can't get a hold of Simon's nipple nectar (Gaycrest, you are excused from this conversation), you can use garter snake saliva instead. But I digress.....

Paula is the Krazy Glue that holds the show together! I mean, you can replace Randy with one of the Budweiser Frogs and Kara DioJUSTSTOPALREADY with Jigsaw from Saw, but Paula is irreplaceable!

I use this quote from Paula often, but this time it really rings true: "I scratch my head and I wonder, 'Where is god when you need him?,' because this does not make sense!"

Tuesday night, Simon Cowell's favorite nipple pincher, Terri Seymour, was leaving the Idol finale when a 200lb loontardian attacked her and tried to choke her down! The police swept in and 33-year-old Janice Thibodeaux was arrested. Yesterday, Janice spoke to Radar (from her luxurious jail cell) and said it was all a misunderstanding and she wasn't trying to kill a trick. Janice basically says, "Simon strangled MAH lady, so I strangled hiz!" K-R-A-Z-Y (but not cool).

Janice says, “I wasn’t cool with Simon Cowell choking Paula Abdul on the show last week and with her crying-out ‘help’ as he did so. Nobody said anything about that so I wanted to confront him about it because that is not appropriate behavior, is it? She (Terri) was taking some photographs with her camera and I knew she was his girlfriend so I went up to her to tell her how I felt. We started arguing and then I put my hands around her neck and started choking her just like Simon had done with Paula. Then I walked away and I was tackled by the police but I don’t regret what I did because of what Simon did to Paula, nobody seemed to care about that.”

Janice also says she used to be a security guard on American Idol. Yeah, the crazy ho probably got fired when she was caught licking a toilet Paula just used. Well, you know it's true. Don't hate for me that image, hate Janice Crazydoughs!!

Paula is like a goddess to the insane! They will do whatever it takes to shimmy out of their straitjackets, attack the orderless with a shank made out of a toothbrush and bust of the loony bin just so they can get close to their shiny-eyed insane QUEEN. Cowell better watch it, because his precious hair part might be in danger.