Kanye West

The Illuminati's very own Brangelina kept up the stunts last night by joining claws while doing the LOOK AT US strut past the paparazzi at the opening of Scott Disick's restaurant in NYC. Scott Isadick opened his new Patrick Bateman-themed restaurant called American Psycho Grill, which serves cheese-stuffed roasted rat and a noodle dish named Chop Huey Lewis and the News. No, I wish. Scott opened up a Japanese restaurant in the Meatpacking District called RYU, because he knows so much about Japanese food. Please, that restaurant is a front. It's obviously the East Coast whore headquarter's for the Kuntrashian's whore activities.

Why do you think Kanye Kardashian née West was there? As soon as Kanye walked through the doors, Pimp Mama Kris took him to a back room where he was officially baptized into the Kuntrashian Klan by spilling his bladder water onto the forehead of Kim Kardashian's ass (yes, her ass is so big it has a forehead) as Khloe branded the mark of the dark side (aka the letter "K") into one of his ass lips with a heated bronzer stick. Kanye is officially a Kardashian. And now you know why Jesus walks. It's because he's going to the nearest computer station in heaven to unfriend Kanye on Facebook.

In other Kuntrashian non-news, Kim tells Paper that she's famous because of the Internet (Note: That right there is the number one reason Time Warner operators will hear when they ask, "And why are you canceling your Internet today?") and she loves blowing fake tanner kisses at her haters:

"I love writing them back. People will write me, 'My phone battery lasts longer than Kim Kardashian's marriage,' and I'll write back, 'Oh, which phone is that?'

When people are so stupid, you just have to have fun with it. Someone [without a profile photo] will say I'm fat, or a hairy Armenian, and I'll write back, 'Oh, that egg picture of yours is so gorgeous.'"

Kim's koochie will give you a burning sensation and so will her comebacks. Of course Kim responds to her haters, what else is she going to do between doing nothing and doing nothing?

And here's Pimp Mama Kris' latest fame-getting scheme going for a not-at-all staged and completely unchoreographed strut through NYC today. Pimp Mama Kris should really stuff a bonus in Kim Karkrashian's whore jar for flashing a perfect "if this doesn't get the cover of Life & Style I'm going to sacrifice another kitten to my creator Lucifer" smile at just the right time. Pimp Mama Kris has those whores trained well. I was about to say that the only thing real in these pictures is that ice cream cone, but I'm sure it's made from the same plastic Kim's face is made of and was rented from a prop shop.

Almost three years ago, President Obama united most of the American people when he said that certified jackass Kanye West was a jackass for popping the rainbow-coated bubble around real-life Anne of Green Gables, Taylor Swift, at the VMAs. Well, some things never change like Hillary Clinton's devotion to business casual glamour (see: her scrunchie) and Obama's thoughts on Kanye. While writing an essay for The Atlantic Wire on Kanye West's transformation into a fishsticks-loving, Macbook-breaking, crazy in the brains musical genius of sorts, writer David Samuels met President Obama at a fundraiser in NYC and asked about Kanye again. David and Obama's conversation went something like this:

Samuels: I have a question I want to ask you, Mr. President

Obama: Sure.

Samuels: Kanye or Jay-Z?

Obama: Jay-Z. Although I like Kanye. He’s a Chicago guy. Smart. He’s very talented.

Samuels: Even though you called him a jackass?

Obama: He is a jackass. But he's talented.

I see you trying to get your approval ratings to hit the clouds, Obama. Seriously, Obama could get re-elected for a history-making four more terms by running on this platform and this platform alone. But you know, something in the milk ain't clean about the Obamas' love for Jay-Z and Beyonce. First, Michelle Obama declares her love for Beyonce and now Obama is declaring his love for Jay-Z? AND Beyonce has suspiciously (not really) written an open love letter to Michelle Obama? Hmmm....

This reminds me of an e-mail I got from an anti-Jay-Z crazy when I wrote something semi-nice about Beyonce: "MK, what sound do you make when Jay-Z fucks you in the ass with a fat stack of hush money?" (True e-mail.) The answer to that is, I beg him to please direct deposit that fat stack of hush money into my checking account next time, because all the paper cuts in my ass tunnel are screwing up my social life.

In the wise words of New York from Flavor of Love: BEEEE-YON-SAAAAAAAAAAY?!!!!!!

Just like the rapture, the unholy K Hell union of Kim Kardashian and Kanye Kardashian née West was a long time coming and Gay Fish has been patiently waiting for his turn at her urinal cakes ass. An inside source (government name: Pimp Mama Kris) tells UsWeekly that is on a Kuntrashian high and thinks that besides being the reigning emperor and empress of the Illuminati, he and Kim can also be the world's newest power couple. Kanye is telling friends that he's the Jay-Z to Kim's Beyonce. Will the Blue Fairy please make an appearance and turn Beyonce's Blue Ivy decoy doll into a real girl so she can slap the shit out for Kanye for thinking this? The source went on to say that Kanye has been chasing Kim for a while and he's hoping their relationship goes all the way:

"It's not a PR stunt. They're perfect for each other. He thinks she's his Beyonce! Now that Kim has gotten over the Kris drama . . . she sees how much Kanye loves her.

Kim and Kanye's relationship is so fake that if you turned it into liquid form and poured it into a syringe, Kim would inject it into her face without asking if it's FDA approved or not. There's really three hos involved in this completely staged relationship: Kim, Kanye and the one they love the most, ATTENTION! I swear, Pimp Mama Kris is an evil genius and will go down in history as Lucifer's greatest creation.

Out of nowhere last night, Kanye Kardashian née West released a new song called Theraflu where he rap confesses that he crawled up into Kim Kardashian's K hole of doom while she was in the middle of her 10 second-long marriage to Kris Humphries. Here are the poignant lyrics that are making Pimp Mama Kris' pimpin' hand quiver something special:

And I'll admit I fell in love with Kim/ 'Round the same time she fell in love him/ That's cool, baby girl do your thing/ Lucky I ain't have Jay drop him from the team

Kanye Kardashian's fame whore clock is perfectly synchronized, because just hours after he dropped that song, TMZ had pictures of him and Kim doing the STUNT QUEEN strut out of a Manhattan movie theater after seeing The Hunger Games. There's something perfect about two thirsty whores watching The Hunger Games together. A source tells TMZ that Kanye and Kim have been chewing on each other's ass for a little while now.

This was bound to happen and we should just be thankful that their egos in one room together will shatter any industrial-strength camera lens, so we'll never see a real sex tape of these self-absorbed hos humping on each other. Actually, I doubt Kim and Kanye even touch. Their idea of getting off is doing themselves with a mirrored dildo in a completely mirrored room so they can see themselves from every angle.

Kim and Kanye keep searching for love, but Kim will never love anybody as much as she loves Kim and Kanye will never love anybody as much as he loves Kanye. They can have a group marriage!

Since Kanye West is an honorary Kardashian and regularly gets the Louis Vuitton logo henna tattooed on his ass lips next to the other K girls, his sister Kim Kardashian wore his $6,000 beaded shit shoes to his fashion show in Paree last night. I didn't think it was possible for those shoes to reach a new level of disgusting, but I stand corrected. The only way to make those Kanye shoes more fugilicious is to put a soulless, dead wild animal in them. I'm talking about Kim, not the poor piece of roadkill she's wearing.

CROCs and Uggs have some company on the shelf in the DSW franchise located on the ninth circle in HELL! Kanye West keeps trying to be the greatest gift to fashion since the dildo dress and so he designed these dried jizz ball shoes with Giuseppe Zanotti last year. You'd think that fugly shoes like this would immediately be confiscated by the government, sent to torture camps and used by security guards to punish the inmates by making them wear these things while looking in a foot mirror. But no, anybody can buy them now.

Colette in Paris started selling these Kanye shoes and for just $5,887 you too can look like a bushel of anal beads just blew up all over your feet. Yes, SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS! I wake up every morning hoping that someone busts a pearl necklace on my feet, but I don't want to pay $6,000 to get it. If you do, then why don't you just pay me $3,000 to down a cup of bubble tea before barfing all over your feet. It'll look the same and probably be less painful for you.

That top part looks like someone's beaded bowel movement. Dr. Oz would say that someone is extremely healthy since their shits are banana-shaped, but there's nothing healthy about putting that shit on your feet.

via HuffPo

Beyonce and Jay-Z are making it clear that if anybody's going to make money off of their chosen one, it's going to be their asses. A few days after Blue Ivy Carter became the only baby born on earth (It's true. All our birth certificates are now null and void since B.I.C. is the only human that matters.), several hos tried to trademark her full name to use on a line of baby products. Those trademarks were stamped with a giant red DENIED and the trademark office said that the name already belonged to the most famous human on the planet. According to The Washington Post, Beyonce and Jay-Z are trying to stop future trademark filings by reserving the name Blue Ivy Carter for a future line of baby cosmetics (the fuck?), diaper bags, strollers and all sorts of other tacky baby shit.

One expert thinks Beyonce and Jay-Z's application will be approved right away since parents have the right to trademark the names of their underage kids. Another expert is side-eyeing all of this, because he thinks Beyonce and Jay-Z are getting special treatment since their application has been fast-tracked.

Two things: Welcome to Planet Bey-Z, second expert. Of course, Beyonce and Jay-Z are getting special treatment. The line always forms behind them and the phrase "take a number" is as foreign to them as natural sunlight is to Basement Baby. Second, I love how Beyonce and Jay-Z are really trying to act like they're just doing this to stop shady whores from making $$$ off their baby and they have no interest in putting out a line of baby product products. We all know that the shelves of Babies 'R Us will be soon covered with B.I.C. baby lace fronts and B.I.C. baby bodysuits with the words "Suri Who?" bedazzled on them.

In other Jay-Z news, if you're in the mood for an eye seizure, try to sit through Jay-Z and Kanye's video for N*ggas in Paris. WARNING: You might want to smoke a bowl of Blue Ivy Kush (no trademark) before entering strobe light fuckery hell.

The doors to the Crazy Church of Gay Fish swung wide opened last night on Twitter when Kanye West clogged up all of his followers' feeds for over two hours with his dreams for a brighter tomorrow, or some shit. Kanye's brain switched to thoughts on using iPhones in schools to starting a visionary company called DONDA (named after his late mom) to opening a summer school with Spike Jonze to interning for Kunty Karl to continuing Steve Jobs' legacy to I don't even know. It's like he was crying out for somebody to tell him that he needs less GOOP in his life, because you know you're on another level of lack of awareness when even Fishsticks Paltrow is buying you a one-way ticket back to earth.

If Kanye's CAPS-LOCK OMGLETMEBREAKMYMACBOOKAIR rants read like they were written by a Red Bull can on the wrong kind of crack, Kanye's latest Twitterologue reads like it was written by a seasoned weed bong on a generic kind of Valium. I don't know how to feel about this. Reading one of Kanye's Twitterrhea sessions just isn't the same when my eyeballs aren't backing up into my head to escape him overdosing on CAPS and !!!!!s.

As Kanye's CAPS-LOCK key and I stumble alongside each other into the scary unknown, you can read Gay Fish's entire plans for his Magnum Douchepus here. But if your bowels can only take so much of Kanye in the morning, here's the highlights. This is Kanye's ego on the good shit:

I moved to Rome after I left Japan and worked at Fendi for 4 months under cover ... I was there to give ideas for the men's collection

I snuck to Giuseppe Zanotti Factory still under contract and learned to design woman's shoes for 2 years before my first show in Paris

I knew about my woman's clothing was what my Mom would wear. I guess some critics would joke that I still don't know anything LOL

I was just discussing becoming the creative director for the Jetson movie and someone on the call yelled out.. you should do a Jetsons tour!

I have started a new company and I'm so excited about the name.... it's got the best name ever of all companies of all time!!!....

The name of the company is DONDA

DONDA is a design company which will galvanize amazing thinkers and put them in a creative space to bounce there dreams and ideas...

I am assembling a team of architects, graphic designers, directors musicians, producers, AnRs, writers, publicist, social media experts... app guys, managers, car designers, clothing designers, DJs, video game designers, publishers, tech guys, lawyers, bankers, nutritionist ... doctors, scientist,teachers...DONDA will be comprised of over 22 divisions with a goal to make products and experiences that people want and can afford...

I care about people who have never heard of me... There are over 7 billion people on the planet now...

Spike Jonze and I want to do a Summer school that tries new forms of curriculum

UNLESS YOU'RE A MATH MAJOR!!!! Kids you should be able to take majors starting in grammar school like how it is at performing art schools

Instead of kicking kids out of schools for using there iPhones... why not promote it? Allow kids to use search engines to do test...

We need to take what Michael Jackson felt and Mcqueen and Steve Jobs and we need make things better...

If anyone would like to reach out email us at contactDONDA@gmail.com

I just wanted to share what's been on my mind... ...But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas." - George Bernard Shaw

Right? It's kind of TOO lucid (for Kanye) and too coherent (for Kanye). You know the Mayans are right when Kanye's Tweets are gently whispering at you instead of burning your eye hairs off with his ALL CAPS SCREAMS!!!!!11!!!!!1!!!@#!!!

That being said, Josh Groban, you know what to do.

Instead of watching the throne, Kanye West watched the world turn upside down when he slipped, fell and went both legs up at a show in Norway during All of the Lights (more like All of the HAHAHAHAHAHAs). You'd think that since Kanye can walk on water, he'd be able to walk on floor without his ass eating stage. Those wings that pop out of his shoulder blades and that halo on his head failed the fuck out of him.

There are so many "Imma let you fall" jokes and so little time. But it's true. Beyonce really did have the greatest fall of all time.

via ONTD & Buzzfeed