Kanye West

I meant to write this shit yesterday, but my brains started happy hour early, so I completely forgot. I should eat more fish (not pussy) and ginkgo. That's what my mom recommends anyway. Do they make ginkgotinis? That would be stellar.

Soooooo....El Colbert declared victory over Kanye West on his show Thursday night. In case you were busy doing hood rat stuff and have no idea what I'm talking about, Stephen Colbert launched "Operation Humble Kanye" on his show. He asked America to buy his Christmas album on Wednesday, so that he could beat Kanye on the iTunes chart. He succeeded, but only for one day!

Kanye responded with the Twitter message: "Who the fuck is Stephen Colbert?" BUT Kanye later blogged on his own site that he did not Twitter that shit. He wrote: "I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS... THIS IS NOT ME!!!!!" Uh huh. Just keep the fake fight going. I'm drinking up every bit of it. Tastes like squid brains and bull shit.

Above is El Colbert's victory speech. His description of Kanye's album is pretty much spot fucking on. Although, it sounds more like Ms. Pac Man than regular Pac Man.

Also, Kanye was performing in Australia the other day, when some person threw a bottle or something at him. Kanye responded the only way Kanye knows how to respond. I wish I could stroke his sunglasses for bringing back the memories. I spent hours scribbling the phrase "Eat Shit & Die" all over my Pee-Chee folders in the sixth grade. Thanks to Kanye for bringing it back.

Stephen Colbert called upon America to help him take down Kanye West and his mission is complete! As of 8:40am today, Stephen's Christmas album is #3 on iTunes, one spot above Kanye! SQUID BRAINS! Stephen wanted the #1 spot, but he's no match for Our Lady of Cheetos! He'll try to deal with her next week.

I did my part by handing over $7.99 for Colbert's soon-to-be Christmas classic! I haven't listened to it yet, because I need to pace myself when it comes to holiday-themed shit. I mean, radio stations started playing holiday music the day before Thanksgiving. That's cheating! There should be some law that radio stations, TV shows, stores, etc. can't start playing that shit until two weeks before the actual day. Hearing holiday music wherever I go makes me hate Christmas.

Now we can declare that The Colbert has won this battle against Kanye! Those of us that forked over our lube money, can pat ourselves on the genitals for helping Colbert reach this goal. I'm sure there will be many more battles against Kanye. Now, I can't say that I'll fight for Colbert every single time, because I do have a soft spot on my CAPS LOCK key for Kanye. But for now....

Viva Colbert!!!

Kanye West responded to Stephen Colbert's "Operation Humble Kanye" with the question above.

Asking the question "Who is Stephen Colbert?" is like asking "Who is Spaghetti Cat?" Everyone knows who Stephen Colbert is. Kanye is just scared. Scared that he will be dropped down by El Colbert!

Don't forget to help Stephen's mission to take down Kanye by using your ex-boyfriend's credit card number (you better have remembered to write down the security code too) to purchase Stephen's Christmas album on iTunes today at 5pmEST.

P.S. - Kanye's CAPS lock button must be broken....or on strike.

Source: Kanye's Twitter VIA Videogum

Stephen Colbert has a mission for America. He wants all of us to purchase his Christmas album on iTunes this Wednesday at 5pmEST so that he can push Kanye West off the #1 spot. Stephen believes that his ego is big enough to go up against and crush Kanye's gigantic-enormous-magnificent ego.

I will gladly march with Stephen's army and spend $7.99 to help complete his mission, but deep down I know Kanye West will prevail! He will not be trumped by The Colbert! He will take to his MacBook Air and swiftly purchase as many copies of his own album as possible so that Stephen will come up short. BITCH BOGUS! And I also can't wait to hear what Kanye has to say.....in all CAPS of course. He's not angry, just lazy!

The truth is, Our Lady of Cheetos is going to triumph against both of them. Do not underestimate the Cheetoholics!

Stephen's call to America is below:

Why does Kanye West only type in CAPS on his blog? He's not screaming at you, he's just lazy. In one of his blog posts today, Kanye explains:

I USE ALL CAPS CAUSE I'M LAZY NOT MAD. I TYPE WITH ONE HAND AND HOLD THE PHONE WITH THE OTHER.

And his left foot is remixing music, his right foot is bottle feeding newborn kittens and his ass cheeks are knitting sweaters for homeless children. Kanye is so busy. SQUID BRAINS, please. You know what he's doing with that other hand. I'm always using my other hand to hold my "phone." I've also learned how to type and scroll with my nose, because then my other hand is free to poke at my iHole...I mean...iPod.

Kanye could still type with one hand in all lower case. Then it would feel like he was softly whispering in our eyes instead of yelling at us. Seriously, after reading a Kanye post, I have to wipe my face off, because it feels like he's spitting all over me while screaming.

Kanye West pressed the CAPS lock key on his MacBook Air and put his fingers to work today on a blog rant dedicated to the paparazzi and their SQUID BRAINS. His entire post is after the jump, but it's a lot to take in. When I start to read a Kanye post, I have to massage my temples, give them a pep talk, play some Enya, light some incense and carefully go in. If I don't do all that shit, my eyes will have seizures and my one working brain cell will start burping uncontrollably.

Since I'm learning to read fluent Kanye CAPS Rant (it's a new language), let me break it down for you. Kanye explains his arrest in the UK on Friday. Basically, he was coming out of a club and one pap was getting up in his life. So Kanye put his hand up to cover up the dude's camera lens and in all the chaos, the camera accidentially hit the pap's nose. Kanye left, but the police came to get his ass at his hotel later on. They told him that they had to arrest him, because a complaint had been filed, but they're pretty sure it's just some dumb publicity stunt. No charges were filed and he was released, but Kanye thinks the damage is done, because every media outlet only focused on him getting arrested.

He believes that a law should be passed, forcing the a pap to get permission from their subject before taking a picture. Basically.

Oh, Kanye. I just want to take him into my kitchen, search my cupboard for that old box of Peeps I have from last Easter and give him half. Even old Peeps make everything okay. Especially if you dip that shit in fucking vodka. I'm not joking.

Anyranty, Kanye's entire post is after the jump. You might feel like he's yelling at your ass and you have to go stand in the corner for a time out after reading it. JUMP!!!!

This is my second Kanye West post of the day and it's not even noon times here. IT'S KANYE WEST FRIDAY!!! TYPE IN ALL CAPS ALL DAY AND RUN AROUND YOUR OFFICE SCREAMING THAT YOU'RE THE VOICE OF YOUR GENERATION!!!!1!!!! SQUID BRAINS!

So, yeah, the most humble human being on this planet was busted by the cops at his hotel in Gateshead, England early this morning so says TMZ. He was arrested for allegedly getting into some kind of violent situation with a pap outside of the Tup Tup club in Newcastle.

This isn't Kanye's first day at the pap beating rodeo. He was arrested in September for getting all handsy with a pap. Charges were never filed.

The cops in England released Kanye after a short investigation this morning. They probably realized they had the voice of our generation in their custody. The voice of our generation can do no wrong. I'm sure the cops who arrested King Kanye will get life in prison for wasting his time like this.

HAPPY KANYE FRIDAY!!!

Let's start off the morning with a big cup of Kanye West's freshly squeezed delusion juice. It tastes even better with a slice from his buttmade bullshit pie.

Mr. Kanye West is speaking again, but he's not ranting this time. No, this time he's just talking out of his perfectly waxed ass. In an interview with AP Kanye said he is the voice of his generation. Ah. It's going to be a long day....

Kanye said, "I realize that my place and position in history is that I will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade, I will be the loudest voice (MK Note: He's got that part right). It's me settling into that position of just really accepting that it's one thing to say you want to do it and it's another thing to really end up being like Michael Jordan. There were people who had the potential to do it but they went on vacation, so when Justin (Timberlake) went on vacation I made albums. And it just came out to be that."

Kanye is just so fucking cute. When he puts on that whole "I'm the greatest big boy in the world" routine, I just want to pat him on top of the head, give him a milk bone and then rub his belly. It's like when Mariah Carey tries to act. You just have to say "awwww." It's so endearing!

P.S. - Did Kanye say that Justin Timberlake could have been the voice of his generation? Hell no. Somebody wake Kanye and hand me my extra straitjacket. It's time to take a long drive.....

Kanye West is the jam between my toes, the wax in my ears, the cheese in my...you get it. Basically, he's my everything, because he goes on batshit crazy rants about absolutely anything. I doubt he even know what he's ranting about anymore. Give him a MacBook Air or a Mic and let him rip.

Kanye one again clenched his ass cheeks and blasted MTV for fixing their award shows. At the launch of his new album in London Tuesday, Kanye screamed in ALL-CAPS: “Britney Spears over Rihanna? Are you serious? I mean fucking Jared Leto? He’s my boy but he shouldn’t have won over some of those other artists. I won nothing last year and I’d brought out Stronger. Then this year, just because I was there, I won best urban act. This was Lil' Wayne’s year.”

Err...Someone needs to gently tap on Kanye's shoulder and quietly whisper into his ear, "It is fixed." Kanye needs to save his CAPS and voice for shit that matters... I don't know... Maybe he can scream at the whores at Time Warner for their shitty ass service (I'm always yelling at them). And then he can send a CAPS-FILLED e-mail to my super for not fixing the broken fucking faucet.

Shit! That's what Kanye should do. He should use his god-given skills to help the people by yelling at the whores we're sick of yelling at. Kanye's Anger 4 Rent!

Source: The Sun

Kanye West was hanging out in his dressing room at the MTV Europe Awards, probably violently blogging on his MacBook air, when he felt the urge to purge through his pee hole. Since he's Kanye, he couldn't be bothered with walking 20 or 30 steps to the nearest toilet. So he got up and pissed all over the carpet. In Kanye's beautiful mind, I'm sure he figured he was cleansing the carpet with his greatness. At least he didn't have to go caca.

Kanye was sharing a dressing room with the Ting Tings and they were a little surprised to have his piss all over the floor. Their drummer told The Sun, “We ask for a lot of unusual things on our backstage rider but that ain’t one of them!”

Even in a drunken state, I don't think I've ever pissed on the carpet before. Let's see, I've pee peed in a water bottle, an alley way, a few plastic cups, various bushes, planters, a garbage chute, a trash can, countless sinks, in my pants and the bed. It's natural! And I haven't pissed in the bed for at least 20 years. Okay, I really mean 20 days, but those damn "happily peeing in a pristine toilet" dreams trick me every time!