Kanye West

Kanye West must have gotten bored with busting it to his own reflection in the mirror, because he got himself a new model. I don't mean the kind of model that falls on her ass on the catwalks. I mean the kind that gets built in laboratories. Seriously, doesn't she look like a tranny robot version of Kanye? Her serial number is 262377673, but Kanye calls her "Amber Rose."

Kanye has probably programmed Amber Rose to say all sorts of things during fucky times. She screams shit like: "YOU ARE THE CUM SHOT OF THIS GENERATION!", "BREAK ME LIKE YOUR MACBOOK AIR", "POUND MY VAG INTO SOME BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT" and "BE GREAT ALL OVER MY TITTIES!!!" You know Kanye loves that dirty talk.

Here's the Great Kanye and his bot leaving the Gramercy Hotel in NYC last night.

Every time Kanye West pops up on my screen, my caps lock key starts tingling. The CAPS King makes its heart flutter just like mine. A Kanye interview is a ride for all the senses. It makes your eyes itch and your ears ring. You also suddenly taste fresh vomit on your tongue and faintly smell the scent of a week-old dirty tampon. And if Kanye is really bringing it on, your fingers will shrivel down into raisins. This Kanye interview with Details is about a Level 8. So brace yourself. Here's some quotes covered in SQUID BRAINS:

Kanye is bored with being the Jesus of music and is ready to become the messiah of fashion:

"Put this in the magazine: There's nothing more to be said about music. I'm the fucking end-all, be-all of music. I know what I'm doing. I did 808s in three weeks. I got it. It's on cruise control. . . . Man, we talked about music for God knows how long! Now let's talk about how my fucking sweater didn't come back right from Korea. That's what's interesting me."

Kanye on being the voice of this generation:

"If not me, then who? Someone could be a better rapper, dance better. But culturally impacting*? When you look back at these four and a half years, who’s the icon at the end of the day? Who broke down color barriers? What other black guy would a white person use as a fashion reference?”

Kaney on "that's so gay" being used as a compliment:

"Titles are very important. I like to embody titles, y'know, or words that have negative connotations, and explain why that's good. Take the word gay—like, in hip-hop, that's a negative thing, right? But in the past two, three years, all the gay people I've encountered have been, like, really, really, extremely dope. Y'know, I haven't, like, gone to a gay bar, nor do I ever plan to. But where I would talk to a gay person—the conversation would be mostly around, like, art or design—it'd be really dope. From a design standpoint, kids'll say, 'Dude, those pants are gay.' But if it's, like, good, good, good fashion-level, design-level stuff, where it's on a higher level than the average commercial design stuff, it's, like, gay people that do that. I think that should be said as a compliment. Like, 'Dude, that's so good it's almost . . . gay.'"

Yup, singy eyes, ringing ears, vom on the tongue, tampon juice on the nose and raisins on the fingers. I take that back that Level 8 shit. This is a Level 10. Kanye leaves my shit *impacted, alright. I always wonder why my body craves prunes after spending some internet time with him. Now, I know why.

P.S. - Does anybody know if Europe's Big Gay Nazi Adventures has a Fast Pass option, because I hate long lines and this sounds like it's going to be pretty fucking popular.

Because she'll do it again!

Jared Leto strolled into the Calvin Klein show in NYC looking like a glass of Cobain with a splash of Brad Pitt circa Legend of the Fall and a sprinkle of JT Leroy. Bitch needs to stop fighting the hot and wash away the peroxide to uncover the Jordan Catalano beneath all that shit. The Jordan Catalano we all tickled our nipples to.

And you know Kanye West really thought he was posing with Kurt Cobain. Kanye is so GREAT that Kurt Cobain will rise from the dead just to pose with the voice of this generation. We won't burst his ego bubble. We'll let Kanye be great!

If you're a straight bitch and you suddenly have an intense craving for the genitals of the same sex, just look away from this picture and your symptoms will go away.

Anygay, Sway over at MTV asked Kanye West about this pussy puckering picture taken during Paris fashion week.

Kanye explained it all. It's not in CAPS, so those of you who finally became fluent in Kanyeism, may have trouble reading it. It doesn't feel like Kanye if he's not breaking his MacBook Air over it.

I'm gonna tell you something about the Paris pic. They was like, some of the people dressed in the outfits, I didn't check out everybody's outfit that hopped in the picture with me — I can't be completely responsible. You go right into my outfit, my outfit is good.

Let me tell you another thing about ... I'm doing a blog right now where I've been collecting all of the freshest stuff that's rainbows — Denver Nuggets jerseys, BAPE shoes, Nikes with rainbows on 'em — and saying, "Man I think as straight men we need to take the rainbow back because it's fresh." It looks fresh. I just think that because stereotypically gay people got such good like style that they were smart enough to take a fresh-ass logo like the rainbow and say that it's gonna be theirs. But I was like "Man I think we need to have the rainbow" — the idea of colors , life and colors and stuff, I mean how is that a gay thing? Colors? Having a lot of colors is gay?

Kanye can't take the rainbow. He's going to have to rip out of my cold, hard ass lips. And just when he thinks he has it, sparkly unicorns are going to gallop out of my ass and bite at him. This will be pretty easy since glittery pink fairies will also fly out and hold Kanye down. The rainbow fucking stays.

But seriously, what in BENJAMIN BUTTON'S RAINBOW hell is this bitch talking about? Oh, how I just want to skip into Kanye's brain and spend one day there. It's like a funhouse of pure fuckery!

It's time for your daily eyeball workout. You know, optometrists should really keep one of Kanye West's epic blog posts in their office. If you can read the whole thing without blinking at least a million times, you have supersonic eye powers and scientists should study you.

The most prolific poet of the blog world has returned with another treasure. Kanye just keeps delivering shiny gems. He's given us: SQUID BRAINS, BITCH BOGUS, THAT BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT, LET ME BE GREAT and now this work of art.

The whole thing will inspire you to throw Jesus off the cross to make room for Kanye, but this is my favorite quote (I've de-capped it for those who aren't fluent in Kanye):

"I've been attacked for being me, for being bright red in a grey world. I am nuclear energy. When encapsulated in an idea or box like a stage or shoe design, I create magic. When left free, sometimes I burn things. It's the nature of a true artist."

Can't you smell the strong scent of Summer's Eve wafting off that quote? It's beautiful, isn't it?

It was hard for me to watch this Kanye vblog, because I'm used to him shouting and throwing exclamation points at me like they're ninja stars. I've already trained my eyes to cross while squinting so I can easily read his rants and now he does this shit?! He's throwing me off.

Kanye came to us from "Pairee" where he was showing his new line of sneakers for Louis Vuitton. A massive ego for your feet! Now, Kanye thinks his new works of art are so perfect that we should all address him as "Martin Louis the King Jr." I don't know if I can do that. It just doesn't roll smoothly off my tongue. Can't we just address him as Bitch Bogus? Or Squid Brains? Or THAT BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT? Or Be Great?

And I could never sleep in a hotel room like that. That shit looks like it has really old and mean ghosts hiding around in there. It doesn't bother Kanye, because his monster ego scares off all evil!

Here's Kanye last week with Marc-ey Brewster at the Louis Vuitton show.

I was just about to post some shit that Kanye West supposedly told King Magazine about wanting to do a porn scene with a chick and another dude. I decided to skip on over to his blog first and my eyes hit the keyboard when this shit came up. I seriously never get used to Kanye's bright blue, CAPS-filled fuckery sprinkled with millions of exclamation points. Never. This shit is like one of those posters from the 80s that if you started long enough at, you'd see a dolphin jumping through the ocean or some shit. Everyone would always shout "I see it! I see it!" But I never would. Cruel.

Let me break down Kanye's rant for you. Earlier today, AVN posted this quote by Kanye to King: "I know people will find that as another thing to hate me on, but fuck it. I'm open to doing porn. Hell, I'll even do bisexual scenes - myself, another man and a woman, or just me and two women."

The article is now gone from AVN's website. I guess it was all made up and Kanye thinks everyone is out to get him. We're all huddled in a dark room together, plotting ways to bring him down. Bitches don't need to make up some shit about him doing porn in order to destroy him. All you have to do is remove the caps lock key from his MacBook Air. He would explode in 3...2...

And a Kanye West porn would be a total bust. That money shot would be worth about 2 cents. Kanye would make whoever was doing the scene with him wear a Kanye West mask so he could bust one. Then right when he was about to bring it home, he'd shout, "I'M THE CUMMER OF THIS GENERATION!!!!!1!111"

That was Kanye's response to his cover of Vibe Magazine. His full response on his blog was: "I DON'T HAVE GREY IN MY BEARD IN REAL LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M ALL DOWN WITH BEINGS IN MY 30'S BUT DAAAAAAAAMN!!!! THIS IS SOME BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT!"

I'll have to agree with the CAPS Master. He is definitely giving Brad Pitt a run for his old face money on this cover. Kanye's Vibe cover and Brad's W cover should have an old face off! I don't even have to count the votes. Kanye wins. Kanye always wins, even when he loses.

And my new phrase that pays is: "DAAAAAAAAMN!!!! THIS IS SOME BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT!" I can't wait to use it for absolutely everything. It doesn't have to make sense. When a bitch at McDonald's gets my order wrong again, you know what my response will be.

It's been a long time since my eyes tried to jump out of their sockets from trying to read Kanye West's blog, so I decided to hold my eyeballs down and go on over. Yesterday, Kanye went off on Media Takeout for claiming he chants to get rid of ghosts and spirits. Kanye doesn't chant! It probably sounds like chanting, but Kanye was just screaming at those ghosts with SQUID BRAINS to get the fuck out of his house! You know those ghosts couldn't take it and they quit that bitch. Kanye should start his own business. GhostCAPPERS!

And Kanye is right, exclamation points are fun!!! They really are. They make everything sound extra extra extra exciting!!! See? It's not as exciting without the zillion of exclamation points. Let's try it with a really boring word: Aniston. Or Aniston!!!!! See, even Aniston is exciting with exclamation points.

Who is Kanye West going to blame for his truly ass-cheek-clenching performance on SNL last night? This shit was first degree murder on my ear drums.

His microphone probably forged a fake passport last night after this shit, so it could flee the country this morning, because it knows Kanye is coming after it. After Kanye tracks down his mic and screams at it for a good twelve hours straight, he's going to file a multi-zillion dollar lawsuit against the Auto-Tune bitches for trying to take him down. And finally, Kanye's going to order his vocal cords into the corner for a time out, because they quit his ass several times during this song. His vocal cords could use a fucking time out, so this isn't a bad idea.

The voice of this generation kind of sounds like me with four hangovers and a sore throat (too much peen blowing) singing in the bath tub while trying hard to make a pee fountain.

That being said, I love Kanye's choice of screensaver for a backdrop! Above is Kanye performing Love Lockdown and below is him doing Heartless. I thoroughly enjoyed the Pinocchio shit!