Kanye West

As expected, Kanye West will not face felony charges for getting all bitchy with a pap at LAX. Kanye's assistant friend will also not be charged with a felony even though he busted up thousands of dollars worth of camera equipment. TMZ reports that the City Attorney's office is deciding whether or not they will file misdemeanor charges.

That's fine and everything, but I'm still waiting for one of Kanye's manic blog rants on this subject. I've been doing my eyeball exercises to prepare for all the CAPS and exclamation points I was expecting him to use. He has disappointed me. I'm hoping he's planning something epic to make up for it.

In the meantime, watch this porny video he posted on his blog a few days ago. It might be a little NSFWish, but it does have cartoons in it. If your boss asks you what the fuck you're watching, just tell them there's cartoons in it, which means it's G-rated and okay for office viewing.

Don't stop praying for Kanye West's MacBook Air. Yes, it's still alive, but Kanye hasn't done a caps-filled angry rant about his arrest yet.

The only thing he posted on his blog was this: "We back in the lab!!! I'm cool with the paparazzi. This guy wasn't cool. I gotta work now... I'll rant later!"

At least he's giving his MacBook Air some time to strengthen up and prepare for the furious beating it's going to get from Kanye's phalanges. Phalanges is a silly word. I need to use it more often.

TMZ reports that Kanye might not be charged at all. Kanye's assistant is the one who did the most damage. He broke two cameras totaling around $8400. In California, fucking up property worth more than $400 is considered a felony.

Kanye broke a camera light which is worth $100. Therefore, his assistant will probably be charged with a felony and if Kanye is charged at all, it would only be for a misdemeanor.

How much do you want to make a bet that Kanye Walks! Sorry. It was just laying there for me. I had to write it.

Image: Splash

Heeeeere's the video of Kanye (in the grey hood) throwing a wittle tantrum at LAX because some big bad pappies tried to take his picture. This is a lot more tame than I thought it would be. I mean, Kanye doesn't even say "SQUID BRAINS" once. Although, when one of the pappers starts screaming for the police, Kanye answers with "Ain't no police man!!" Well, there was some police around and they arrested his ass.

Kanye is currently marinating in a jail cell on $20,000 bond.

Why don't I ever see shit like this at the airport? The most exciting thing I've ever seen is a litle girl barfing on a dog. Since I put it that way, I thinkt he little girl barfing on a dog was more exciting than this shit.

VIA TMZ

SORRY, woops, I mean, sorry for all the caps. It's the Kanye West in me. According to TMZ, Kanye was arrested at LAX today for excessive CAPS use. No, he was arrested for wearing that outfit. No, he was really arrested for felony vandalism.

While at the American Airlines terminal (he doesn't have a private jet?), a pap started taking pictures of him. Kanye wasn't feeling very photogenic, so he snatched the pap's camera and smashed it on the ground.

TMZ started filming it with their own video camera when Kanye's assistant tried to stop them. The camera dude and Kanye's assistant started fighting over it. The assistant won and he threw the camera to the ground, breaking it. Kanye then tried to get the tape from TMZ's guy.

Kanye and his assistant are currently being booked.

Oh....shit! I can't wait for the epic blog posts from Kanye to follow. You better stand back when Kanye starts blogging, because his angry ass words will probably smash your screen to bits. I'm afraid his poor MacBook Air might not survive. It's already entered into the witness protection program. It knows what's coming.

Why did I think Kanye West had major body underneath his clothes? It's like meeting a hot bitch at a bar and thinking they are all ripped under their clothes. You go home with them only to find out that their body looks like something out of an Easy Bake Oven. Total and utter letdown. But that still doesn't stop you from riding that shit until it pops.

And for such a cocky bitch, Kanye has such teensy weensy nipples. Baby nippies. He needs to moisturize his nipples daily with Nipout! It doesn't work on ass lips though. So.....I've heard.

With all that being said, I'D HIT IT! Yes, in all caps. That's how Kanye likes it.

And I love Kanye. I love him more and more each day. I want to have a million of his angry, ranting, douche sunglass-wearing babies. You know, this mad ass foolio must have himself on "google alert," because he has already responded to the rumors about him going into anger management. There's a not a lot of CAPS in his newest BLAHg, but there are plenty of question marks:

NO ANGER MANAGEMENT... IF ANYTHING I NEED ANGER ENHANCEMENT! LOL!!!
07.07.2008

Do yall remember when people said my fiance was pregnant???? What happened to that rumor????? I guess after we broke up it was just forgot about???? I'm just using that as an example of how people make up stuff and everybody runs with it. I had my own family asking me about that. Now the media is saying I'm going to anger management something or 'nother. I have never had any conversations about anger management. If anything, I need anger enhancement!! lol! I get off the plane in Hawaii today and the world is saying my management team said blah blah blah... SIIIIIIGGGHHHH! I told the media you can't make up lies about me because I have a media outlet myself. Oh and sidebar I don't know if everyone has realized this yet but I don't do interviews if there's anything I wanna say I'll say right here on my own blog.

Check this out...I took a quote from my rant and used it as my headline.. just like a real media outlet would... hahaha

Whenever I read these rants, I picture him violently typing away and "LOLing" like a mad man. He must go through precious MacBook Airs the way he goes through question marks. ???????

He reminds me of the nerds in high school that would go on and on about something dorky like Dungeons and Dragons. They would get all intense and shit. It would usually end with them yelling at me, because I wasn't paying attention. I would just sit there, staring at them and thinking, "Just shut up and do me."

Okay, so we all know Kanye West is a little delusional in the brains and may get dramatic every now and again, but he does not need anger management! According to The Sun (via MTV), his management people thinks his temper might fuck up future business ventures, so they've asked him to get some help.

A source said, “Kanye’s management team came up with the idea. His mood swings were beginning to play a part in his commercial enterprises as people felt he was miserable all the time. The rapper is in line for deals with two big firms but both have started asking how easy he would be to work with.”

Kanye needs to pull out the CAPS on his management team and tell them to SHUT THE FUCK UP, BECAUSE THEY HAVE SQUID BRAINS.

Good luck to his management whores in trying to find a joint that will take Kanye. They shut the doors for his insane ass.

Maybe Kanye should hire Zoila from "Flipping Out." She seems to calm down Mr. Jeff. I'm sure she can calm Kanye down too. Zoila can do anything. I can already hear her saying, "Are you bite me Kanye?"

Kanye West is blogging mad....again. This time he's directing his anger at Harper's Bazaar for saying he has a painting of himself as an angel mounted on his dining room ceiling. First of all, TACKY! Second of all, Liberace called and he wants his dining room back. Third of all, TACKY! Wait, I already said that.

Anyway, here's what Angry West blogged:

To put it short as Kanyely possible(don't mean to speak in third person).... Harper's Bazaar came to my home, took pics, asked a lot of questions and then assumed the painting in my dining room was of me as an angel. This isn't true and it bothered me greatly because people think I'm so so so cocky that I would have something like that. I'm sure it was an inside joke to everyone from the magazine in my home that day. People would come over my house after that and say, " I heard about this pic of you as an angel!" I would have appreciated if Harper's Bazaar would have put in some type of blurb to clear it up. I wanted people to see my home because I spent 2 years gutting it and was proud. I'm just a regular guy with cool stuff in his crib but instead I was made out to be Ben Stiller's character in the movie 'Dodgeball' with the huge pic of him wrestling a bull in his office. Why didn't they write that my house had no pics of me, no plaques or awards, just art.

I guess it's bittersweet, you spend half your life trying to become larger than life and the other half trying to just live a real life again.

Harper's ran this shit almost a year ago! Something tells me that Kanye was in one his moods and wanted to get ANGRY on a bitch, so he had his minions dig up something he could whine about. Kanye also managed to rant without CAPS! I'm so proud. And if that tacky shit is hanging in his dining room, imagine what the rest of his home looks like? GAUDY GAY MESS!

That being said, I think I'm in love with him.

Thanks Mr. President

During Amy Wino's tour de trainwreck performance at Glastonbury yesterday, she called Kanye West a "cunt" during one of her songs. I refreshed his blog all night, hoping he would deliver another CAPS-filled rant. He did not do this. He posted this shit instead. Hey, at least it's in all CAPS. He didn't disappoint me there. Hopefully, Kanye was so fucking mad that he threw his MacBook Air out of the window while posting. Wait, do MacBook Airs fly? If they don't, Apple needs to get on that.

Below is the video of Wino singing "I'm not openiiiing for a cunt like Kaaaaaanyeeeeeee-aaa-eeeee." It's at the 2-minute mark. Bitches need to watch and learn. This is how you do it! This is how you entertain.

And here's some pics of The Wino returning to her tomb at The Clinic after her performance.

Kanye West is angry about the whole Bonnaroo fiasco. He's so angry that he wants to pop a CAP in a bitch and he did. Kanye took to his blog and ranted almost entirely in CAPS! I couldn't read that shit, because I feel like he's screaming at me like a crazy person. When somebody is yelling at me (which is often), I go downstairs, take a walk to the nearest bar, down a shot of patron, come back upstairs and pretend like nothing happened. If they start screaming at me again, I repeat all steps. So... here's just a slice of Kanye's rant. You can read the entire cry-baby-rant at his blog.

This is the most offended I've ever been... this is the maddest I ever will be. I'm typing so fucking hard I might break my fucking Mac book Air!!!!!!!! Call me any name you want.... arrogant, conceited, narcissistic, racist, metro, fag whatever you can think of.... BUT NEVER SAY I DIDN'T GIVE MY ALL! NEVER SAY I DIDN'T GIVE MY ALL! THIS SHOWS NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY TO BE GOOD AT SOMETHING THERE WILL BE PEOPLE THERE TO LIE ABOUT YOU AND BRING YOU DOWN! LIKE WAYNE SAYS PLEASE DON'T SHOOT ME DOWN CAUSE I'M FLYING! I'M FUCKING HURT BY THIS ONE. ALL I CARE ABOUT ARE THE FANS. JUST SAY THIS OUT LOUD IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE, "KANYE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT GIVING A GOOD PERFORMANCE." CAN ANYONE HONESTLY SAY THAT ????????? HAS ANYONE EVEN TAKEN THE TIME TO AT LEAST DO THE MATH??? BONNAROO SHOULD HAVE RELEASED A STATEMENT IN MY DEFENSE BUT SINCE THEY HAVEN'T LET'S BREAK DOWN THE WALLS ON THIS TRUMAN SHOW AND LET YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY OCCURRED!!! FOR OVER A MONTH WE WENT BACK AND FORTH ON WETHER OR NOT WE COULD EVEN FIT MY STAGE AT THE FESTIVAL. ONE DAY THEY WOULD SAY YES... WE'D SEND THEM OUR SPECS THEN THEY THEY'D SAY OK... THEN THEY WOULD SEND SPECS BACK THAT DIDN'T FIT THE STAGE. WE WERE OBVIOUSLY DEALING WITH FUCKING IDIOTS WHO DIDN'T REALLY HAVE THE CAPACITY TO REALLY PUT ON THIS SHOW PROPERLY. THEY TRIED 2 GIVE ME A TIME SLOT WERE IT WAS STILL LIGHT OUTSIDE ... I HAVE A FUCKING LIGHT SHOW DUMB ASS, IT'S NOT CALLED GLOW IN THE DARK FOR NO REASON SQUID BRAINS!

And he goes on and on...and on. All in caps! You know, I'm starting to like Kanye. I used to think he was a total tampon with douchey sunglasses, but now I'm digging his mini-emotional-breakdowns that are best expressed in CAPS. He's like that kid in grade school that would start a petition, because he was so angry that they only served chicken nuggets one day a week. I mean, he would get really emotional about it. Kanye sort of dresses like that kid too. I always loved that kid. But I don't love CAPS!

VIA Funny Or Die