Kim Kartrashian just keeps dragging her 7-month-old Kimye fetus all around the world to spend some time with Kanye West and he keeps running away from her like he's Carmen Sandiego and she's a damn ACME agent.
Kim and Pimp Mama Kris flew to NYC last week and the day after they got there, Kanye West took his ass to Paris. Then when Kim and Pimp Mama Kris flew to Paris for a photo shoot with Kunty Karl (pleasedontletitbeanakedshoot... pleasedontletitbeanakedshoot....), Kanye took his ass to Milan. The Daily Mail says that Kim and Kanye were in Paris at the same time for a few hours, but they didn't get one second together, because she was busy posing for Kunty Karl and he was too busy not giving one fuck about seeing her. The next stop on Kanye's tour is Milan, so he went on to Italy without her.
I would feel sorry for Kim and I try (no, I don't) and I try (no, I don't) and I try (no, I don't) to, but I just can't. Kim knows that Kanye is a gold-encrusted douche who only cares about Kanye (and leather kilts) and Kanye knows that Kim is a wax-covered fame whore who only cares about Kim. Even though they hate each other, they kind of belong together. And it's probably not hard to avoid Kim. All Kanye has to do is go somewhere she'll never go like any place where there's not a camera around.
If Kim really wants to see Kanye, she should just hang out in front of Riccardo Tisci's butthole. Kanye will show up eventually.
Sadly, my dream of Kanye Kardashian naming his next album "Bitch Slapped By A Street Sign" isn't going to come true. Kanye continued to pay tribute to his own God complex by choosing to name his next album Yeezus. You know, Yeezus as in Ye + Jesus. As in this is the reason why Jesus is shaking his head today. Some of Kanye's disciples have been calling him "Yeezus" on Twitter, Facebook and blogs for years, but I guess he decided to make the ridiculous nickname official.
Yes, I know the name "Yeezus" is supposed to make me roll my eyes, but I've always loved it and I think it's pretty fitting. To me, Yeezus sounds like something a lady gets when she has a yeast infection. "Doctor, my pussy can't stop wheezing!" "Oh, that's just a symptom of your yeast infection. Your pussy's got the yeezus!"
The cover of Kanye's album is also pretty fitting. It looks like a pile of dog shit wrapped in a gold condom wrapper on top of a black table covered in jizz splatters. It's perfect!
And in case you missed the best part of last night's SNL, here's Kanye awkwardly throwing side-eyes while everyone around him hugged and gave love to each other at the end of the show.
That's pretty much me at every party I go to.
(GIFs via Yahoo!'s newest adopted child)
Kanye West once again out Kanye'd himself last night by debuting his new song "New Slaves" and visuals for his new song in sixty six spots in several cities across the world. At different times during the night, Kanye's big ass face was projected on a building as he rapped (and sang, ugh) his new song. The video above is from the corner of N.7th and Bedford in Williamsburg, Brooklyn and his face also made appearances in Hollywood, Toronto, Sydney, London, Berlin, Miami, Chicago, Paris, San Francisco and on Kim Kardashian's body. Kanye's website has a map with all the places where this mess played.
I can just imagine sitting on my sofa, eating some caramel cookie ice cream and taking sips of my ghetto sangria (Two-And-Half-Buck Chuck and orange Shasta) while watching Flea Market Flip when Kanye's face and shower singing voice starts haunting my walls. That is a real good reason to call a damn exorcist. How can a trick have a relaxing Friday night when Kanye's singing voice is filling their apartment? When Kanye sings, he sounds like he's getting a prostate exam from a porcupine while Pimp Mama Kris gnaws on his nuts.
On a positive note, Kanye really knows how to dramatically debut a song like a true debutante queen.
It was kind of fitting that Kanye Kardashian (née West) performed in a pyramid at Adult Swim's Upfront event at Roseland in NYC last night, because he was the Queen of Denial when he said that he's a musical artist and he's not a "celebrity" or a paparazzi star. The delusion is thick.
Kanye was the surprise musical guest at Adult Swim's Upfront even and if anybody thought they were going to get 90 minutes of non-stop music, they must not know Kanye. Because no Kanye West show is complete without a whiny, hissy fit rant about how hard it is being Kanye West. There's not a pacifier big enough to shut his gaping whine hole. Kanye started off his cry fest by saying that he's not a celebrity, he's a terrible celebrity, and all he does is make real music and he's not here to be on the cover of tabloids.
Bumping his dome on that sign last week was totally a metaphor for Kanye's life. Kanye's head is so far up his own ass that he's blind to the fact that he's the best kind of tabloid celebrity because of all of his anus-popping meltdowns and ALL-CAPS rants. On top of all of that, he put a fetus into the fame whore of all fame whores whose oxygen is the flash from a paparazzo's camera. Bitch is trying to act like he's the J.D. Salinger of hip hop. He's about as reclusive as Kim Kartrashian.
Miss Info transcribed Kanye's latest cry baby rant if you really don't want to fill your ears with the sound of his whining:
“I ain’t no muthafuckin celebrity… There’s one thing about me, I’m a terrible, terrible terrible celebrity. I don’t know if you really know there’s one thing about me but I’m the worst kind of, the worst kind of celebrity. All I do is make real music. All I do is sit in the studio and make real shit. And that’s it. And that’s muthafuckin it. That’s muthafuckin it!
So I don’t want no people runnin’ up on me with cameras, trying to like sell pictures and shit to magazines, asking me dumb ass questions, throwin’ me off my focus and shit. Harrasin’ you all muthafuckin day. I ain’t no muthafuckain celebrity.
It’s so funny. Somebody asked me, ‘when you do SNL, are you going to do a skit about the paparazzi and shit. And like humanize yourself? I ain’t hear to apologize to no muthafuckas man. It ain’t about me humanizing myself. At one point did I become un-human where I had to turn myself back. Or maybe I was demonized, or maybe I was treated inhumane and not human in that type of situation. I ain’t no muthafuckin celebrity. I ain’t runnin’ for office. I ain’t kissin’ nobody’s muthafuckin babies. I drop your baby and you muthafuckain sue me and shit. I’m trying to make some music that inspires people to be the best that they can be. And I don’t want nobody else to ask anything of me! Don’t ask nothing else of me.
Muthafuckas chasin you down, about to make you crash and shit. And all they want is for a nigga to laugh and shit. Hell nah, I ain’t doin no muthafuckin SNL skits. This is my Goddamn life. This ain’t no muthafuckin joke.
Whenever anybody would scream out "¡Santo Dios!" in front of my abuelita, she'd slap them with her eyes before grabbing her rosary to say a prayer for their sinful souls. Well, Pimp Mama Kris is probably clutching Lucifer's loin cloth and repeating an Illuminati chant to herself, because almost everything that Kanye said last night is against her religion.
The rumor that Kanye West is letting Givenchy's creative director Riccardo Tisci pull up his leather kilt at the end of the night has been around for a while now, but I guess when you're like Kim Kardashian and live in a fart bubble of narcissism, all non-Kardashian news never makes it into your ears. But after Kim wore a Givenchy sofa carcass to the Met Gala, some of her Twitter followers told her about the rumor that Kanye is gargling on the nutsack of the dude who designed her dress.
InTouch (via Radar) says that Kim's followers told her that Kanye's apartments in NYC and Paris are really close to Riccardo's apartments, which totally means that they're doing it. InTouch's source says that Kanye does spend a lot of time in Paris with Riccardo, so Kim started freaking out.
“There are some facts Kim can’t deny. Kanye has spent her entire pregnancy living close to Riccardo in the French capital and Riccardo recently purchased an apartment less than half a mile from Kanye’s in NYC’s Soho neighborhood. Kanye is obsessed with Riccardo. They have a very deep bond. They spend a lot of time together at Kanye’s apartment.
Kim freaked out. If it turns out Kanye is involved with Riccardo, she will be utterly embarrassed — more so than she’s ever been in her life."
Can I get a "BITCH, PLEASE"? If Kim hasn't been embarrassed by her pimp mom, her plastic face, her fake wedding, her boring sex tape, her clothes and her entire existence, then I doubt this will embarrass her. Utterly. Kim doesn't care if Kanye fucks men or fucks armadillos as long as he keeps her on the cover of every tabloid.
I just hope that if Kanye is involved with Riccardo that he properly moisturizes and lubes up that dry E.T. finger of his before they get into fingerbanging fun time.
In the fame whore dictionary, the definition of "recluse" is totally different than the definition in the dictionary all of us use. Because Kim Kartrashian thinks that a "recluse" is a shameless 24-hour spotlight fucker who spends more time in front of a camera than behind a camera, gives the paps several servings of her knocked up kamel toe daily and poses in a bikini for the cover of Recluse Weekly (known to you and me as UsWeekly). Kim tells the UK's Fabulous Magazine (via HuffPo) that ever since Gay Fish's sperm fish were turkey basted up into her baby making parts, she has become even more of a recluse. Well, you can't say the word "recluse" without saying "wreck" and "loose," so the heffa might have a point.
"I'm definitely more of a recluse since I was pregnant. But I haven't necessarily decided to hold myself back, it's just preparing myself for respecting the privacy of my child and my boyfriend.
There goes Kim throwing out words she doesn't know the true meaning of! Ho wouldn't know "respect" or "privacy" if they were both shaped like a boomerang and tapped her on the ass cheeks in a straight-to-Vivid sex tape. Kim then goes on to say some stuff that makes me think that her and Kanyetta West's contract is coming to an end soon.
"We live different lives, but I love being open. That's who I've always been. That will never change because that is who I am."
Yes, Kim, we've seen you be all open around Ray-J's crooked crowbar dick, so we know how open you are. It made you a STAH! And really, Kim is just setting up her inevitable split from Kanye. We all know how this is going to go. Pimp Mama Kris is going to get even more tabloid covers and non-stop coverage on TMZ by turning this into an all-out kustody battle. PMK will want full custody of Baby Kimye, because she needs a new generation of Kardashians to whore out. Kanye will want full custody of Baby Kimye, because he needs a baby to dress up in Givenchy leather skirts and he'll need a friend to play with when he moves to the French countryside with his lovah. It'll be like Kramer vs. Kramer if both Kramers were shameless whores.
And here's Kim being all reclusive yesterday and Kanye leaving her house with the head wound he got when he lost a fight against a sign.
While getting drunk with Australian radio hosts Kyle and Jackie O at a dinner in NYC the other night, Goopy Paltrow continued to whine about how the Met Gala sucked (translation: if she wanted to be around that much down river trash, she would've went to Arby's), was too crowded (translation: full of Z-list gutter whores) and she also said that they're all too old to be dressing punk (translation: She knows she looked like a hot pink skid mark and she was jealous of Madge's old ass). Goopy then told Kyle and Jackie O that the melodramatic tantrum queen that is Kanye West threw a little hissy fit during his performance, because Kanye is Kanye and his heart will stop beating if he doesn't act like a twat at least once a day:
"Kanye West was playing and he was all furious and he threw his microphone down and it was all drama. I don't know why."
"I don't know why..." Um, because Kanye is always a glum cunt (copyright: Mad Mel Gibson) and freaks out over everything. He probably yells at his shits when they're not shaped right. And he yells at his peen when it doesn't cum while he's fapping in the mirror. Then when he does cum, he yells at his cum, because if it wasn't for his cum he would've never knocked up a Kartrashian.
If only gravity was random.... If it was, that mic would've bounced back up and hit him in the face. It would've been yet another point for inanimate objects.
And if you want to hear Goopy talk about her vagina looking like that of an 8-year-old, here's her full talk with Kyle and Jackie O.
A funny thing and a shitty thing happened in Beverly Hills today. The funny thing is that Kanye Kardashian smacked his dome right into a sign while walking to a restaurant with Kim Kartrashian. The shitty thing is that the paparazzi didn't get a shot of the exact moment when the sign bitch smacked him right in the head. The paps took pictures and video right before and after he knocked that sign with his head, but nobody (so far) has a picture of his head actually knocking against that sign. What good is the paparazzi when they can't get a picture that would've completed our lives?!! It was their one job and they FAILED us all!!!!!
TMZ does have a video of Kanye right after he left a piece of his ego on that sign and it's hilarious. Just like a bratty 4-year-old, Kanye throws a melodramatic cunt tantrum and starts yelling at the paps for making him bust his head on that sign. I take back what I said about the paps in the paragraph above. I thank them for making Kanye's head go BOOM on that sign.
It gets better... Kuntye went full crazy and his Givenchy butt plug probably popped out when he went at another pap a few minutes later:
In Kanye's defense, if your ass lips were overheating under black leather and you knocked up a Kartrashian, forever bonding you to those whores, you too might be a little extra bitchy. Although, Kanye is ALWAYS a little extra bitchy. And the best part is that Kim is probably the one who called those paps. Good work, Kim!
Kanye West had to lick Anna Wintour's ass clean a thousand times to get that trash heap heffa Kim Kartrashian an invitation and this is what she wore. The theme of the night was "punk," because the Costume Institute's exhibit is Punk: From Chaos to Couture and I guess Kim thought that since she and Kanye are a couple of punk ass bitches they fit in with the theme perfectly!
I was watching the live feed of this mess, which was awkward comedy at its finest, and dumb ass Kim said that this was her idea of "punk." It's "romantic punk." BITCH, my chihuahua's swollen anal gland (I'm taking him to the groomer tomorrow, don't worry) is more punk rock than the floral vomit she wore tonight. They should've thrown a plastic cover over her, because this is someone's abuelita's sofa.
She looks like that dusty, lumpy sofa that had your grandma has had for years and decided to finally get rid of it. So your grandma, with the help of two neighborhood boys, puts it on the curb for the garbage men to take, but they never take it. It just sits there on the curb. The dogs pee on it, the birds crap on it and it gets even lumpier from the rain. After a few weeks, your grandma finally gives in and drags it back into her house and puts it in her backyard. The only thing missing from Kim's look is a grandma sitting on top of her.
Kanye's alleged fuck buddy Riccardo Tisci made this for Kim and I could blow a million air kisses at his taint. He knew what he was doing and he should get the Nobel Peace Prize in SHADE for doing it!
Concrete Loop posted this video of Kim Kartrashian and Kanye West in Paris yesterday morning and they think that it's extremely ungentlemanly-like for him to not help her knocked up fame whore ass out of the car and then stand in front of the door and wait for her to open it. Um, are they forgetting that this is Kanye? I'm surprised he didn't make Kim pull her pregnant Gossamer-looking ass out of that car, run to his side and open up his door. I'm also surprised he didn't make Kim rip her red dress off and lay it on the ground for him to walk on so he won't dirty the bottoms of his precious shoes. So this is Kanye being extra, extra polite.
But really, if Jay-Z was in that car with Kanye, Kanye would've ripped that door open and carried his true love to that store and opened up the door with his mouth. And he would've serenaded Jay-Z the entire time. This is what Kim gets for not being Jay-Z.
And to answer your question, yes, I asked myself "What has become of me?" as I analyzed the door-opening manners of two fame sluts.