Shannen Doherty

I don't think I can call Tori Spelling "Tori the Hutt" anymore since lost a lot of chunk. Now she kind of looks like an elderly praying mantis doing a terrible Carol Channing impersonation. She's still fug, though. Fug light!

When the new 90210 was announced, I was seriously all about it. Mostly because Brenda Walsh was one of the first bitches in my life who taught me how to really hate with all your heart and soul. After watching every episode, I just don't know.... I'm trying soooo hard to love it like the old shit, but the only time I'm not pitching my berries to stay awake is when Brenda and Kelly are in a scene together. I get off on that shit because I know how much they fucking hate each other in real life. Shannen just wants to take Jennie's hair, braid it into pigtails, kick her on all fours and ride her into traffic. I can see the look in her eyes. But Brenda's run is coming to an end. And what's even worse is that the producers want to bring Donna Martin back. AHHH!

Michael Ausiello claims Tori is in final talks to do several episodes. The deal will probably be complete today. Tori reportedly didn't want to come back sooner, because she was afraid of working with Shannen. That's right. Shannen would fuck that bitch up for talking shit on her in Tori's book. Although, that might be a good thing for Tori since Shannen could probably beat some pretty into her fug face.

If Donna Martin comes back and Brenda Walsh stays away, I just don't know how much longer I can watch this mess. That annoying bitch Annie is just begging to get slapped in the teeth.

Image: Fame Pictures

Thanks Alia

SPOILER ALERT! There were a few rumors going around that Brenda Walsh would take her last breath on an upcoming episode of "90210," but I don't believe those lies. Brenda Walsh can never die. It says so in the bible. It also says this in the dictionary. Look up the word impossible and the definition is: Brenda Walsh dying.

According to OK! Magazine, Brenda comes back to town in tonight's episode and tells that dumb bitch Kelly Taylor that she slept with her man! Brenda also ends up in the hospital, because of fertility issues or some shit. She finds out that she can't have kids. Like Brenda was going to have any! She's a woman of the world! She doesn't have time to deal with brats! And she's going to live forever, so she doesn't have to worry about another ho continuing her legacy. She can do that herself.

I'm hoping that while Brenda's in the hospital, the surgeons can go in and see what's going on with her heart area. I mean, they need to check if she has one, because she's been kind of uncharacteristically nice to Kelly Taylor. Brenda shouldn't have one of those heart things. Yeah, she did Kelly's man, but that's not enough! She should have kept fucking him until Kelly was completely destroyed. Kelly deserves to cry in her eyes for what she did to Brenda.

Here's that dumb bitch Kelly thinking she's Grace Kelly with her husband at the "Twilight" premiere last night.

Jason Priestley recently said that he doubts he would be back on the new "90210" show as Brandon Walsh and he's kept his promise. Jason will be part of "90210" but not as Brandon. He's agreed to direct the show's 18th episode, so he'll be behind the camera the entire time.

I'm fine with this. Brandon was never one of my favorites. He was always so fucking judgmental! He would ride in on his lemon meringue Mustang and get on Brenda's case for the stupidest reasons. He was a fun killer in every way. He is only allowed back on the show if he brings Emily Valentine's crazy ass with him. I always hated her, but she earned points with me when she tried to burn down the float!

Brandon will not be back onscreen, but Brenda will! Maybe. The Ausiello Files reports that Brenda is in talks to come back for two more episodes. A source said that the deal isn't done yet, but it's totally happening.

Brenda's last episode on "90210" was a total let down. Brenda can't leave without delivering an epic beat down on Kelly. I thought it was going to happen when that annoying twat Kelly accused Brenda of trying to steal Dylan. Kelly fails to realize that Brenda tapped that ass before she did. Like she wants that shit again!

And I can't talk about Emily Valentine without including the scene where Dr. Brenda Walsh counsels her. Brenda really does have a caring heart.

I don't know about you, but I'm hungover like a motherfucker this morning. I can still taste last night's booze on my gums and I Sonicared my teeth last. I think. Since I feel like Amy Wino's crackhive after a 3-day bender, the last thing I need to deal with this morning is Brenda Walsh's piece playing games with us.

How am I supposed to judge if he's good enough for the eternal teen dream? And Rose McGown in "Jawbreaker" lied when she said Liz is the teen dream. Brenda Walsh will forever be the teen dream. It's true. That is why her dude needs to take it all off and then do 20 jumping jacks for the cameras. That's the only way to tell if he's worthy enough. If the peen flops around like Jessica Simpson's bobble head, then he's obviously not strong enough for Brenda. I don't exactly know what that means, but you get the picture.

You know what? I just realized that the paps are actually following Brenda Walsh around. Hooray! It's like 1992 again!

SPOILER ALERT! I didn't get to see the full "90210" episode last night, because my Tivo was busy with "Fringe" and "Big Brother" (don't judge), but some lovely soul uploaded Brenda and Kelly's moments to YouTube.

One of those moments included Brenda Walsh revealing who the father of Kelly's baby is. It's not Nat. It's not Steve. It's Dylan. Gross. And gross. I refuse to believe this. As I said before, Dylan was thrown into a mental hospital because he couldn't get over the fact that he lost the love his life, Brenda! He was too crazy to do sexy times with that raggedy ass bitch Kelly Taylor! Besides, Sammy doesn't have Dylan's forehead. This is not true! I'll believe it when Maury says it. Kelly is lying! She trapped him. I know it! That crooked bitch isn't right in the head and this is exactly something she would pull. And why didn't Brenda take Kelly's blonde hair in her hands and smash her head against the car when talking about Dylan? Is Brenda on her meds again? NO FUN! This is some "not right" shit.

The big moment, which looks like it was very anticlimactic, is at 5:50 in the clip above. I also love the scene where Brenda tells Lucille Bluth that she played Hedda Gabler once. Bitch doesn't even know who Hedda Gabler is! And I really hope Brenda and Lucille get in a cougar fight. My money is on Lucille. Don't fuck with a drunk with dentures.

Brenda Walsh's stay in Beverly Hills will soon come to an end. EW reports that Brenda will only do the four episodes she originally signed up for. Brenda said she's the one who chose not to do anymore episodes. Uh huh. She said: "They asked me to do a lot more. I'm in the middle of pitching a show, so I couldn't commit to more than I did." Translation: "It's getting harder and harder for me to not punch Kelly Taylor in her smug peach-face. Many hours of anger management taught me to just walk away."

And what show is Brenda pitching anyway? If it's not "The Brenda Walsh Hour Of Spectacular Beat Downs" then I'm not into it. I only like Shannen as Brenda Walsh. Actually, I take that back. She was sort of hot on that disaster called "North Shore."

Brenda may be leaving, but that homewrecking tramp Kelly Taylor is staying. She signed on to 6 more episodes on top of the 5 she's already agreed to do. Gross.

With Brenda off the show, what's the point of watching anymore? Naomi better step up her bitch game or I'm officially deleting this shit from my Tivo "to do" list. And I mean it this time! Sort of. Okay, I don't.

P.S. - Jim Walsh is totally the father of Kelly's kid.

Thee most annoying baby twat on "90210," Shenae Grimes, doesn't know who she's fucking with. If The National Enquirer is telling the truth, she's about to get the Brenda Walsh beatdown special. Apparently, Shenae, 18, hates Shannen Doherty and is letting everyone know.

A source said, “(Shenae) actually referred to Shannen as an ‘effin bitch’ and said from the first moment Shannen walked onto the set she’s been acting like she’s special. Shenae was saying that Shannen talks down to the costume designers and caterers like they’re her servants and prances around the set like she’s Hollywood royalty.”

Shannen is an "effin bitch"? Flattery will only get Shenae a Brenda Walsh fist to her Ali-Lohan-wannabe face! And Shannen doesn't "prance." She fucking stomps.

Since we're on the subject of "90210," Kelly Taylor's hot cokehead mom is back tonight and my Tivo isn't going to record it! My Tivo has conflicts, so I have to wait until tomorrow. They repeat "90210" on Wednesdays.

Seriously, why can't Tivo or DVRs record more than two shows at once? Some of us are completely addicted to TV and need the ability to record as many shows as possible at the same time. Everybody needs to stop what they're doing and work on this situation until its fixed! Or maybe I should just get another TV and Tivo.

The new "90210" premiered last night...and...well..I tried! It's like a limp dick to me. It's not something that I would ever crave, but if I have nothing else to do, I'll make it work. It was pretty boring and I spent most of the 2-hours picking at my dog's eye boogies. And his eye boogies have more personality than some of the dreary fools in this show. Most of these skanks need to go back to the oatmeal factory they came from.

The main chick, Annie Wilson, is about as likeable as a plate of soggy 2 day old fries. She's totally a "High School Musical" reject and that's saying a lot. And Ali Lohan called, she wants her non-personality back.

The chick who is supposed to be the "bitchy" one is anything but! I had high hopes for Naomi Clark. Shouldn't she have a coke problem, bulimia, IBS or sticky fingers?! Something! And she looks like a salesperson at the Ann Taylor outlet store. All she did was pout and try to sex everybody up with her eyes. Speaking of eyes, Naomi's mom had serious crazy eyes! She could play Tricia Walsh-Smith in a TV movie.

Lucille Bluth basically played Lucille Bluth. But she did it better on "Arrested Development." The only bitch, besides Brenda of course, that I could tolerate was the pill-popping crackhead who has to pay her mom's mortgage or some shit. She's a welfare version of Nelly Furtado, but at least she had some real problems! Sadly, you know she's going to OD and that Ali Lohan wannabe is going to get the lead in "Spring Awakening." They always kill off the ones that I love.

Now to the real star of the show......Brenda Fucking Walsh! It was so nice to see her wonky eye back as the main bitch of Beverly Hills. Some lovely soul compiled Brenda and Kelly's two scenes together (above). Kelly isn't going to know what hit her skeezy ass! Brenda is playing nicey now, but things better change. I saw the way Brenda was checking out Kelly's new man with her one good eye. Brenda is back for blood....and school teacher jizz.

That's if the writers don't fuck it up by making her "nice" and "sweet." No. And if Brenda doesn't take over the lead in the high school musical at the last minute, I'm going to delete this shit from my Tivo! Okay, I won't, but I'll think about it for a long ass time.

This gets a Photoshop Award, because I refuse to believe that they posed for the cover together. They cut and pasted their heads on the bodies of two models. Brenda Walsh would never put her sacred hands on that slutwhorecuntbitch Kelly Taylor! If she was going to put her hands on her, it would be to strangle the oatmeal out of her ass!

Legendary Brenda Walsh and a shameless homewrecker are on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. They also did a long ass interview with the mag. Click here to read that shit. The best part of the interview is when Brenda clenches her first and bites off her tongue when asked about Tori the Hutt's tell-all. In Tori's book, she talks a lot of shit about Brenda.

Brenda said: "I will censor myself out of respect for Jennie because she's friends with Tori. I got passages sent to me and a vast majority of it is incredibly exaggerated. Maybe it's a difference of how I was raised. I just don't believe you write personal on-set experiences in a book. For me, when you work it's almost a sacred experience whether you get along with everyone or not. In 27 years of acting I've never sold out one of my cast members. Ever. And I will stick to that."

Translation: Tori the Hutt better sleep with one fat eye open. And one of her chins better stand guard.

When asked about the supposed fist fight between Jennie and Shannen. They both kind of deny there was a fist fight, but Jennie said, "Scratching? I'm not going to deny that." Yeah, right. Brenda is just allowing Kelly to save face. Brenda doesn't scratch. She burns you with her beady eyes and then knocks you out with her whining.

When Brenda Walsh enters a room, the raggedy ass hos taking space should find the nearest exit and scurry back home to their mommies There's no need for them anymore.

Yesterday was the premiere party for "The Brenda Walsh Bitch Hour" aka the new "90210." Shannen Doherty was gracious enough to show up and pose for a few pictures. I'm sure after these pictures were taken, she punched out a bartender, took a bottle of Grey Goose from the bar and went back home to un-handcuff her dude of the moment from her bed. Hopefully she spit on that cunt Kelly Taylor on her way out.

You know, I couldn't find any pictures of Brenda and Kelly posing together. Kelly knows better. She can't compete. She never could!

Here's some of the other skanks from last night's party. Since when did Lori Loughlin become one of "The Real Housewives of Orange County."

And the young whores of the show are trying too hard to compete with Brenda Walsh. They look like rejects from an amateur strip contest. Sorry little hos. Drink your milk and call it a night!