Kim Kardashian

After a white load was shot onto Kim Karkrashian's hair and back, she cracked the bulges of plastic in her face by laughing it off like it was nothing. If Kim left it at that, the stunt would be forgotten and nobody would be writing about it. Pimp Mama Kris taught Kim how to turn flour into whorenade, so now she's whining about how she's thinking of pressing charges and now everybody is writing about that mess again (including me, which is why I cry at the bottom of a lukewarm shower at night). The plastic bag of whore farts told leaf carrier Giuliana Rancic that what happened to her is not right and it took attention away from the charity she was promoting (aka the charity being herself).

"I said earlier no I wasn't [going to file a complaint]. I am just going to think about it, because I don't want someone to think they can really get away with that. So we are going to handle that.

I was laughing it off earlier and, you know, I think that is the only thing I knew how to do at the time. But I just think it is such a shame that someone like that...would ruin an event, or attempt to ruin an event, that was based around, not only my fragrance, but this organization, Dress For Success. I mean that's what the event was about. These women flew in from all over the country to be a part of this event, that are underprivileged women, that really got the shine taken away from them a little bit. That's why I am calling in now. I feel bad that it was kind of derailed from that.

Now that I think about it and had some time to digest it. I think, 'What if that was some other substance? What if that person had a dangerous weapon?' It's scary. And what's even scarier is this woman acted as if she was a part of the press. She just came out of nowhere! And so we are definitely changing things up a little bit, amping up security, taking some measures, and...I'm gonna definitely deal with it because it is not acceptable."

Getting splattered on made this bitch famous and getting splattered on AGAIN is stretching her 15. If this shit wasn't a stunt to promote her stupid bottle of ass juice, Kim still got attention for it. If this shit was a stunt to promote her stupid bottle of ass juice, Kim STILL got attention for it. The real losers in this is all of us. Correction: The real loser in this is that flour, because it was wasted on that twat when it could've been used to make delicious cupcakes. Think of the cupcakes.

UPDATE: TMZ says Kim will press charges against the ho who splattered flour on her. And we should all press charges against Ray J for making Kim famous by splattering his jizz on her.

Kim Kartrashian is used to white loads coming at her, but a different kind of white load came all over her last night as she walked the carpet to promote her new bottle of skankafied bladder water ironically called True Reflection. These pictures of Kim looking like the entire Lohan family farted, queefed, sneezed and coughed on her at the same time were the last pictures to tuck me into bed last night and were the first pictures to wake me up this morning and it still feels like I was bombed with a bag full of HAHAHAHAs.

Both E! (aka Kuntrashian Headquarters) and TMZ say that the flour bomber was heard mumbling about "fur" or something while security took her away. Of course they want our asses to believe that this was an act from PETA getting back at those Kuntrashians for all the baby warthogs Khloe has mutilated during her midnight hunts or for all the goats Pimp Mama Kris has scarified in the name of her creator Lucifer, but BITCH PLEASE.

If it looks like a stunt, walks like a stunt and smells like warm piss on burnt plastic, it came directly from Pimp Mama Kris' pimpin' hand. This shit was so staged. The obvious sign came from Kim herself when she responded by not crying her rubber spatula face off. Kim released this statement that was obviously pre-written by her publicist:

"That probably is the craziest, unexpected, weird thing that ever happened to me. Like I said to my makeup artist, I wanted more powder and that's a whole lot of translucent powder right there."

PETA isn't taking credit for this shit and told TMZ that this video was given to them by a different anti-fur activist:

I don't care if this mess is obviously a total STUNT QUEEN move, it made my night last night and it's making my morning this morning. But I probably won't be laughing when I find out that this was all a publicity stunt to promote Kim as the new face of Argo cornstarch. I mean, cornstarch does get the piss smell out.

The Kuntrashians really know how to stretch themselves over Ray J's "always turning right" dick for some attention and they also know how to stretch out a non-story for maximum exposure. It was over a week ago when your favorite Christmas meal Jon Hamm used Kim Kardoucheian as an example for how the world throws their attention and money at talentless shit boxes. Kim queefed out a response, Jon responded to her response and now the ring that hangs off of Kim's ass lip is responding. Jonathan Cheban is the MAD Cat to Kim's Doctor Claw, so of course he's going to defend the trick that gives him treats in the form of his own reality shit show, but he really outdid himself with this shit. UsWeekly asked Jonathan about the Hamm thing and this is the delusion-wrapped rhinestone that jumped off of his tongue:

"I think Jon Hamm needs to just shut up and stop being such a mad man! He needs to mind his own business, because Kim works hard. They do different things --it's a whole different world. Put Jon Hamm in a mall, and more people will go up to the people working at the Burger King than they will to him. Bring Kim to a mall and there will be a riot. They're in two different businesses. Kim's pop culture and what people like. It's a lot of work, and she's here to stay. Let's see where he is after Mad Men."

This bitch said BURGER KING. You know, Kim is a cockroach with a big ass, so Jonathan does have a point. But seriously, I've never trusted grown men with middle-parted hair before (see: Charlie Sheen, Nick Carter, Russell Brand, etc...), but thanks to Jonathan I'll trust them from now on. Trust them to make me HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Beware, if you're drinking room-temperature apple juice or warm, still beer, this mess right here will make you look at your glass with wary eyes. TLC (The Lawdthesebitchesarecrazy Channel) once again challenges your vomit reflex with their latest episode of My Strange Addiction, which features a woman who considers her own piss as the nectar of the heavens. The bathroom at a stadium is like a Hometown Buffet to her ass. Her bladder is like boxed wine and her pee hole is like the spigot. Etc.. etc...

Carrie is a cancer patient who hasn't been to a doctor in years, because she believes she can heal the sicks with the natural medicinal powers of piss. The Linda Hamilton impersonator tells her friend, who should really get her own episode for being addicted to Ogilvie home perms, that she drinks her piss, snorts her piss, bathes in her piss and uses her piss as eye drops. Carrie's piss is even like Dr. Bronner's to her, because she uses it in her hair, on her skin and to brush her teeth. Ho is piss crazy! You know Kim Kardashian's lawyers are putting together a lawsuit against Carrie for stealing her trademarked beauty regimen.

If a ho wants to guzzle on a golden shower, let her guzzle on a golden shower. It doesn't effect me unless I pass out in front of Carrie and she has to give me mouth-to-mouth. (But I've put my mouth on dirtier things, so whatever.) But isn't it really boring drinking the same brand of bladder wine all day, every day? "So Carrie, what are you having for dinner tonight?" "Well, Denise, I'm having a goblet of fine piss that's been aging in my bladder for the past 40 minutes." BORING! Carrie should spice her piss up a bit. Stir a little Crystal Light in there. Better yet, fill a blender with piss, tequila, ice, a splash of lime and have yourself a refreshing urine margarita! If Carrie really wants to get wild, she can nibble on some asparagus and take her tongue on an exotic journey to ew. Because if you're going to drink piss, you might as well have fun with it (© R. Kelly)!

And if you're judging Carrie, ask yourself this, "Have I ever knowingly put Milwaukee's Best on my tongue?" Yeah, so don't act like you're better, bitch.

You know how Jon Hamm called Kim Kardashian a "fucking idiot" and said she and Wonky McValtrex are rewarded by society for being stupid? Of course, Kim Kuntrashian responded to Jon on her Twitter today and tried to sound classy even though she wouldn't know classiness if it shot out of a professional athlete's dick. This is Kim's response to The Hamm:

I just heard about the comment Jon Hamm made about me in an interview. I respect Jon and I am a firm believer that everyone is entitled to their own opinion and that not everyone takes the same path in life. We’re all working hard and we all have to respect one another. Calling someone who runs their own businesses, is a part of a successful TV show, produces, writes, designs, and creates, “stupid,” is in my opinion careless.

If you wipe the bull shit from that statement and run it through Google Translation (from "Whoreanese" to Truth Talk), here's what comes out:

I heard Jon Hamm's comment about me 3 milliseconds after he said it, because we have this satellite in space that sends a signal to the butt plug up my ass every time a famous person or member of the media says my name! I am a firm believer that everyone should talk about me as much as possible and that not everyone takes the same path in life. But you'd be stupid to not take the same piss-stained path I took, because I'm rich as shit! I don't work at all and I don't even respect myself. I don't run my own businesses, I can't even produce a shit without Ryan Seacrest's help, I don't know how to write, I don't know what the word "design" means and the only thing I've ever created is a new strain of herpes, but I'm still way more rich and famous than Jon Hamm. So Jon Hamm can call me "stupid" as long as he keeps saying my name!

There, fixed.

Since Kanye West is an honorary Kardashian and regularly gets the Louis Vuitton logo henna tattooed on his ass lips next to the other K girls, his sister Kim Kardashian wore his $6,000 beaded shit shoes to his fashion show in Paree last night. I didn't think it was possible for those shoes to reach a new level of disgusting, but I stand corrected. The only way to make those Kanye shoes more fugilicious is to put a soulless, dead wild animal in them. I'm talking about Kim, not the poor piece of roadkill she's wearing.

Once upon a two years ago, a brain-dead slut baby trapped inside of the body of an Armenian whore bag got pimp slapped by the hand of a 20-year-old party girl trapped in the body of a Demi Moore. It all started when Kim Kardashian's useless ass Tweeted that she was out "big pimpin" with her girlfriends. Now, Pimp Mama Kris should've been the one who pimp slapped that trick for not knowing her place as a common ho. But it was Demi Moore who dragged Kim to the classroom and tried to school her on the meaning of "pimp."

Demi tried to get it through Kim's vapid head that her use of the word "pimp" was glamorizing sex slavery. It was seriously a meeting of the stupids and I completely forget about it. Well, Kim didn't forget about it and Janet Charleton (via Jezebel) says that she dedicated a special song to whippit-loving Demi at Elton John's Oscar party:

At Elton John’s party Kim was heard making fun of the fact that Demi was caught doing drugs with much younger friends -“she called ME immature!” Kim laughingly requested a song “dedicated to Demi” – the song was Devo’s “Whip It!”

And during karaoke night in rehab tonight (please tell me they have karaoke night in rehab), Demi will dedicate the following songs to Urinal Kim: "Splish Splash," "Yellow" by Coldplay, "What the Water Gave Me," "Raindrops Falling On My Head" and David Chappelle's "Piss on You."

If President Obama, Congress and all the Houses quit their jobs and handed all their power over to Tony Bennett, you'd soon be able to waltz into a Duane Reade to pick up a bottle of lube (not the Pimp Mama Kris-endorsed one), a bag of hot fries, a roll of toilet paper and a box of crack rocks. At Clive Davis' pre-Grammy gala, held at the same hotel where Whitney Houston passed away, Tony said that deaths of Amy Winehouse, Michael Jackson and Whitney might have not happened if all drugs were legal. Preach it, pepaw!

"First it was Michael Jackson, then Amy Winehouse, now, the magnificent Whitney Houston. I'd like every person in this room to campaign to legalize drugs.

Let's legalize drugs like they did in Amsterdam. No one's hiding or sneaking around corners to get it. They go to a doctor to get it."

The only shit I know about Amsterdam I learned from an episode of House Hunters International, but I'm pretty sure that only weed is legal there and they still have to buy their 8-balls from a sketchy dealer with stank breath in the dark part of an alley way like the rest of us. Also, Michael Jackson died of a prescription pill overdose and it's looking like Whitney didn't take any illegal drugs before she went up to star in Heaven's remake of Sparkle with Aaliyah. It is kind of bizarre that Xanax and Valium are completely legal, yet whenever my weed man comes to visit, I have to pat him down to make sure he's not wearing a wire tap. Actually, that's not why I pat him down. I pat him down because he lets me and it's pretty much the only kind of action I get.

Anyway, Pepaw Tony means well and some of what he says sort of makes sense if you think about how many billions are spent and how many people die from the war on drugs shit. But that's some shit for a different day. I think what Tony is really trying to say is that he wants to be able to buy a damn joint wherever he goes.

Here's a few pictures from Clive Davis' gala last night and let me predict the future by typing what you're going to think in about 5 seconds: What in the name of veiny titty balls was Kim Kardashian doing there?! Call me Miss Cleo.

In order: Toni Braxton, Rita Wilson & Tom Hanks, nobody, Glamberace, Amber Rose (no comment on those Klingon brows and gremlin lips), Diana Ross, a Diana Ross wannabe and Our Lady of Perpetual Cheetos.

Since Kim Kardashian is trying to beat the jockstrap's record by wrapping herself around as many professional athlete dicks as possible, she has apparently started down low fucking on Mark Sanchez, the quarterback for the New York Jets. The sports blog Terez Owens (via Radar) is hearing that Kim clamped her ham hocks around Mark while filming the first season of Kourtney & Kim Take It Up The Ass and they recently started up again. Mark has a girlfriend, but that hasn't stopped him from trying to conquer Kim's Mount Doom ass whenever they're in the same city. The source put it like this:

“Kim and Mark like to meet in hotels for dinner dates and flings. Whenever Kim is in New York, they hang out. They are very careful with not being seen together, Mark is seeing someone!”

Okay, the source lost me at "very careful with not being seen together." Kim not wanting to be seen is like Khloe not wanting to drag a small dog by the neck up to her den in the hills every time she sees one. It's instinct! Kim isn't powered by a beating heart and working internal organs like us. Bitch gets her energy from eyes looking at her and cameras flashing at her. That's how she feeds the dark orb in her chest. And wasn't Mark Sanchez recently caught doing a 17-year-old or something? And before that he was doing Hayden Pantyairs who looks like one of the boys from The Sandalot with tits. Kim's second face is younger than a preteen, but she's over 30, so I don't think she's the kind Mark pulls his peen out for. Pimp Mama Kris needs to do her research before she leaks fake stories.

Here's Kim walking around Miami last night while looking like a sweet and sour chicken wing.

WARNING: About three seconds after hitting play on this NSFWish mess, a giant sperm fish with a mouth will scare away the afternoon buzz you got from inhaling nitrous out of a whipped cream can in the bathroom.

During Snoop Dogg's web show, he was asked to drop a little few words of unfiltered wisdom into the ear holes of Kris Humphries and this is the hilarious shit that came blazing out of his mouth:

"The first advice is, you dumb ass nigga, you shouldn't have tried to wife the bitch. She's not that type of a ho. She gets around, man. Did you see when Reggie took the bitch to Africa? She was looking at the Africans cause they had bigger dicks than his. He didn't know how to act afterward. They sent his ass to Miami. Reggie the only nigga that bounced back from the bitch. She's cold-blooded. I'm pretty sure she'll have a book in a month talking about all the niggas she got and how she played them. So, my advice is you can’t make a ho a housewife. Don’t try to reinvent the wheel. Let her do what she born to do: ho. Yeah. HO. Punk bitch."

That's funny. That's pretty much the same thing my mom said to the first serious boyfriend I brought home to meet her. And I really hope someone translates Snoop's advice into grunts and snorts so that Kris can actually understand it.

via THR