These bold ass bitches right here. The whoriest whores of the Illuminati are spreading their evil in Rio de Janeiro right now and yesterday they dared to pose in front of the Christ the Redeemer statue. These minions of Satan (aka Pimp Mama Kris) have no shame. The Christ the Redeemer statue probably wished he had a pair of working eyeballs so that he could've rolled them before falling forward to take a long nap.
Kim and Kanye Kardashian's never-ending attention whore tour is making a stop in Rio for carnival and they continued to draw as much attention to themselves as possible yesterday. Kim's 120 yard long ass gets enough attention on its own, but she made sure that she got maximum attention by making herself look like a giant pile of barfed up Pepto-Bismol. Bitch looks like a bag of melting, factory-defected hot pink jelly beans.
And will somebody pass the KimYe fetus an oxygen mask (tip: just hide the oxygen mask in a giant hollow black dildo, wave the giant black dildo at Kim and her coochie will instantly swallow it up), because the poor thing is probably suffocating thanks to Kim wrapping her body in a cocoon of Spanx.
Instead of paying Kanye West in taint licks to make her look like lukewarm shit, Kim Kardashian is paying a stylist in cash to make her look like lukewarm shit. Nicola Formichetti, the creative director of Mugler, told Page Six that he's dressing Kim's Thanksgiving gourd body and he loves it:
“Already she has a different body type than models. I think it’s sexy when the girls have the big ass and the voluminous body. It’s much sexier than skinny girls who are in tight clothes.”
And here's the Kim showing off Nicola's work while leaving her house the other day. It's nice to see that Kim is still the epitome of grace, demureness and sophistication even with her next Life & Style cover growing in her womb.
Never mind the fact that Kim's pants are eating her hooves or the fact that her sheer top is seven types of NO, what is going on with that heffa's face? I guess swelling from pregnancy and massive amounts of Botox don't mix well together. I just want to sit on a park bench and throw pieces of bread at her face, because bitch looks like a duck more than usual. Bitch looks like Magica De Spell and I should slap myself for typing that, because that's offensive to cartoon duck villainesses.
So now after reading that headline, you're not only Kartrashian intolerant, but you're lactose intolerant too.
On the next episode of the #1 show in the Ninth Circle of Hell, Kourtney and Kim Taint Miami, Kim tells the slow one that she read online that some people use breast milk as a home remedy for psoriasis and ever since she's been pouring tit leche out of the bottle onto her spots, it's helped them a little bit. So, of course, since Kim and Kourtney are always up for making fetish porn, the slow one whips her tit out and dribbles milk all over Kim's leg. Kim starts screaming "EWW! EWWW!," which summoned a dozen bitch-pleases from my mouth. I mean, so suddenly Kim is grossed out by somebody squirting their bodily fluids onto her body in front of a camera for attention? Bitch would've never been famous if it wasn't for somebody shooting a milky substance onto her body. How quickly the fame whores forget.
Then Kim says to Kourtney, "That is so disgusting that you can just squeeze that and have that come out." I say that every time Kim squeezes a "thought" out of her brain. And I guess this means that Kanye will have to breastfeed the Illuminati's golden child. I hope their kid likes the taste of fish milk.
And here's Kim looking like a water buffalo eating a swan while shopping in Paris with Gay Fish.
The official ambassadors for fame whores were on Letterman last night to pimp out their show Kim & Kourtney Taint Miami, and of course David Letterman brought up her blink-and-you-missed-it marriage to the factory-defected animatronic Big Foot Harry that is Kris Humphries.
It's been over a year since Kim Kardashian read the words "stage direction - walk to courthouse, file for divorce" in her script and so Letterman asked her why the divorce is taking so long. While looking like a bloated Predator in a 2-star maitre d tuxedo, Kim told Letterman that her divorce is taking so long, because Kris is suing her for tricking him into marrying her ass for publicity. The slow one then piped in with a joke. Here's how the conversation went:
Dave: Now you, you're still married to your former husband, Kris Humpries? You're still married to him.
Kim: Yes, I am.
Dave: Now, when are you going to wrap that up?
Kim: Well, I'm trying, and it's a process and I've been trying for almost two years now, to um, to wrap it up, but it's, you know, it's hard.
Dave: I guess it's none of my business, but what does he want? Does he want his own show?
Kim: I can't speak for Kris, but I just want him to be happy and I want us to move on and that's really what I want, is just to move on.
Dave: Now again you don't have to do this, but when the divorce comes through, and he wants an annulment, is that right? Why an annulment, what's the difference?
Kim: I don't really know cause even if we got an annulment... I would love to give him one but then that would make...the only legal way to get an annulment is if fraud were involved, so that's what tricky. So he is suing me for an annulment based on the fact that I frauded him into marrying him for publicity.
Dave: So he's claiming that he was the victim of fraud?Kim: Yes, well, that's the only way to get an annulment is if one person was frauded, so that was, um, the case.
Dave: But fraud was not a factor here, is that right?
Kim: Not in my case, no.
Kourtney: I think if she was going to do it for publicity, she's pick someone that people knew.
Never mind that Pimp Mama Kris is totally going to pimp slap Kourtney Kardashian for making fun of her casting decisions, doesn't Kourtney realize that she's only famous because Ray J slapped Kim's ass with his neck pillow dick in front of a camera and because Ryan Seacrest fulfilled a favor he owed to Lucifer by putting them on basic cable?
Kim then told Letterman that people need to saying that they've let out farts that have lasted longer than her marriage, because she's still married!
Those jokes really can't work, because I've really been married for almost two years. . . . So it hasn’t been 72 days, it's been almost two years.
I just....can't. What do you even say to that? I'd blame it on pregnancy brain, but Kim didn't have a brain to begin with.
This is your up-to-the-second update (that you didn't want or ask for) of Kim Kardashian's ever-growing knocked up body. Although, some konspiracy theorists think Kim is Beyonce-ing it and will cover her body with the best baby pillows that Kanye West's money can buy while a surrogate (SPOILER ALERT: Bruce Jenner, the surrogate is Bruce Jenner) carries the Illuminati's golden child. Whatever the case may be, the smog above France has been infested with the stank scent of fishy dick queefs and bronzer and it's all because Kim and Kanye are in Paris right now for some reason.
Don't ask me why they're there, but Kanye is of course using their daily walks down the ho stroll to display some fugged up shit on Kim's body. I don't even know how to explain that thing. Is it a cape barfing up a jacket? Is it a re-worked Snuggie? Is it a Land's End fleece jacket? Is it a fupa-hiding poncho? The only thing I do know is that it's a wreck and Kanye would've looked better in it. Kanye would've worked that cape thing and put the gay in gay Paree by giving everyone a twirlie show.
Kanye Kardashian (née West) played a little game of "One Of These Things Is Not The Other" when he tweeted this "FAM" (real-talk translation: "VOM") picture yesterday of him, Jay-Z, Beyonce and Kum Kuntrashian. It's like the Illuminati's version of Mount Rushmore. Speaking of dark-sided acts of evil, to create this FAM portrait of grossness, Kanye had to use the crop tool to crop out one of Beyonce's actual family members. Here's the original picture:
Yes, bitch used Photoshop to erase Basement Baby's existence. Poor Basement Baby. When BB's weak from only eating a diet of moth balls and insulation foam, and has finally reached the top basement stair after using all of her strength to crawl up there, the only person she had to worry about opening the door to push her back down was Beyonce. But now Basement Baby has to worry about Kanye West kicking her back down too. Fuck Kanye for cropping the wrong trick out. Kanye should've kropped that skank Kim out instead. I mean, Kim has a place at the adult table and Solange still has to sit at the children's table? This is colder than the time Tina Knowles had to wrap up one of Beyonce's old wigs because she forgot to get BB a present for Christmas.
And speaking of grossness, TMZ has pictures of the $11 million house that Kanye and Kim bought in Bel Air. They're spending even more millions on turning the 10,000 square foot house into a 14,000 square foot Italian-style villa. The extra 4,000 feet is to house Kim's ass and both of their egos.
It's been approximately thirty seconds since Kanye West's gay fish sperm shoved its way into one of Kim Kartrashian's ovary eggs, and whores are already offering them millions of dollars for the first pictures of their spawn. TMZ says that an overseas tabloid promised to stick a wad of $3 million cash in between Kanye West's luscious tit cleavage in exchange for the EXCLUSIVO rights to publish the first pictures of the Illuminati golden child and they were turned down. Future professors of fame whorism will remember this day as the day that money-grubbing whore Kim Kardashian actually shook her head "no" to a pile of money.
Brangelina's chosen ones still hold the record for getting the most cash for the first pictures of their newborn faces. They got $14 million and the first pictures of Shiloh went for $4 million. The first pictures of JLo and Skeletor's Dragon Tales Twins cost $6 million. So we all know what Kim and Kanye are doing. Bitches are holding out for a bigger paycheck. Like Kim's baby is really going to roll out of her womb for ONLY $3 million.
Pimp Mama Kris is already mad at her prized pig for not selling her baby announcement to the highest bidder, so Kim is going to make it up to her by selling every single part of her baby's birth. When Kim's baby doctor breaks her water during her scheduled c-section, PMK is going to catch all that water in a bucket, bottle it and then sell it in the hospital waiting room. Then when Baby Kimye is pulled out of Kim's body, PMK is going to take a picture of its right foot, run into the hospital waiting room, stand behind the auctioneer's podium and shout, "Okay, okay, we've got the fist picture of Baby Kimye's right foot! Starting bid at $1 million. Can I get $1 million? $1 million from People! Do I hear a $1.5? $1.5 from Life & Style! Can I get $2 million? Anyone, $2 million? No? Anyone? Going once, going twice...SOLD to Life & Style for $1.5 million! Our next lot is the first picture of Baby Kimye's right butt cheek. It's the perfect picture for your 'Did Baby Kimye Get Its Mother's Butt?' cover story. Starting bid is at $10 million!"
Here's Kim at the airport in Miami yesterday.
Tracy Anderson is the trainer-of-choice to a lot of celebrity twats and she goes against everything I believe in like not working out, eating food and hating on Gwyneth Paltrow. If you don't know who Tracy Anderson is, get to know the bat-faced muscle troll by reading these words of wisdom that have fallen out of her mouth over the years:
“A lot of women use pregnancy as an excuse to let their bodies go, and that’s the worst thing."
“I’ve seen so many women who come to me right after (having children) with disaster bodies that have gone through hell, or they come to me years later and say, ‘Oh, my body is like this because I had three kids.’”
"When you feel your best, you're more confident in bed. It's not lights-out, under-the-covers sex. It's more like, 'Take a look at this!'"
But I will slightly slow clap for Tracy Anderson for saying this after pulling GOOP's pants down during a "body evaluation": "Oh, my God, wow, I am just so surprised, because you look so good in clothes. I wasn't expecting this."If bile almost poured out of Tracy's eye holes from looking at GOOP's skinny ass, I can only imagine what her reaction was when she stared directly at Kim Kardashian's ass of doom. It was probably a lot like that scene in Indiana Jones when Indy runs from that giant boulder. Kim wrote on her blog yesterday that fellow fame whore Tracy Anderson is her trainer now, which means that for the next few months she'll only eat dried lemon pith and workout 23 hours a day.
Tracy Anderson is keeping me in shape! She is helping me make the adjustments necessary to keep me feeling happy, healthy and most importantly create a workout plan that is safe for the baby. It’s really important for me to have a fitness routine that works for my body and my schedule and I’m really happy with the workout plan Tracy is working with me on.
The only good that can come from this is that when Tracy Anderson is standing behind Kim Kartashian and is screaming at her to do ten thousand squats in a row, Kim will get tired and fall back, crushing Tracy. The next set of pictures we'll see is a panty-less Kim strutting out of Tracy's studio as a shaky, bony hand reaches out of her ass for help.
While I pulled some Freaky Friday shit and took over Kathy Griffin's body to try to give a faux beej to The Silver Fox, this photoboming dude in the middle of Kanye West and Kim Kartrashian acted on behalf of humanity by throwing a "Are you there God? It's me, the face of humanity. For why did you allow this to happen?!" look of desperation at 1OAK's New Year's Eve party in Las Vegas on Monday night. Meanwhile, Kim is cackling up at the heavens, because she knows that in a few months she's going to butt birth out the chosen spawn of Lucifer and there's nothing God can do about it. I hope God gets the last laugh when Kim gives birth to a drooling cave baby that looks just like Kris Humphries.
While looking like thirty pounds of rotten smoked gouda wrapped in one of Cher's old costumes, Kim continued her reign as Pimp Mama Kris' most prized pig by hosting 1OAK's New Year's Eve party for a check. Kanye also showed up to the party, because he wanted to flash his smuggest smug face since his gay sperm fish has been where literally a billion different kinds of sperm fishes have been before (read: her baby making areas) and has done what none of them were able to do (read: knocked her up). Kim told UsWeekly at 1OAK's party that so far she hasn't had a case of the barfs at all:
"I have felt good. I haven't had any morning sickness, but it still isn't the easiest. People always say it's easy and fun. It's definitely an adjustment learning about your body and stuff like that. I've been feeling really good so that's good."
Kim might not be heaving up gallons of barf, but I'm pretty sure all of humanity is. Yes, this is how it ends. Civilization will drown in its own ocean of barf after reading every single detail about the Kimye baby. Or after seeing this picture of PMK in her freakum dress.
And if you want to infuse your barfs with a sprinkling of HAHAHAs, just read all about how Kim isn't planning on whoring out her baby. Kim Kardashian not planning to whore out her first born is...well...like Kim Kardashian not planning to whore out her first born.
Yes, we all knew this was coming. Brace yourselves for POST after POST about the love child of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West from this and every other blog for the foreseeable future. Excuse me for a second, I have a serious case of the barfs for some reason. Hold it down girlfriend, you don't want to waste delicious booze on this trash. Swallow HARD, breathe, and... As Michael K told us all early this morning, Kanye told the world that yes the Antichrist baking in
Hell Kim's oven. In the video above you can see Kanye announcing their joy and our pain to the world.
TMZ says that the announcement came as a complete surprise to Kim, who thought they had planned to keep it a secret until she started showing, and she cried tears of joy as she sat in the audience with
Satan her mom, her BFF, and several of Kanye's family members. I read that as "Kim cried angry tears that Kanye and his big fat mouth just cost her a huge check from E! for the announcement" and smiled. See? Every cloud has a silver lining, no matter how dark and foreboding.
Kim's official statement about it is on Celebitchy. She said:
It’s true!! Kanye and I are expecting a baby. We feel so blessed and lucky and wish that in addition to both of our families, his mom and my dad could be here to celebrate this special time with us. Looking forward to great new beginnings in 2013 and to starting a family. Happy New Year!!! Xo
Um Kim, before that new beginning you may want to do an ending, like I don't know, maybe getting a divorce from your current husband Kris what's-his-name. Just saying. But that wouldn't be tacky as fuck, so yeah let's not expect too much.
TMZ also reports that Kim is getting PAID 6 figures (dontpuke dontpuke dontpuke) to show up for the New Year's Eve bash at 1 Oak on the Las Vegas strip tonight and she's not going to let a little case of the babies stand in her way of getting that cash. As much as I would love to go all Judge Judy and slam a gavel down on her face for partaking in the sweet nectar with a brat in her belly, she's never been known as a drinker so that's probably not an issue. Can I hammer her anyway, please?? Just once. So anyway, for all of you planning to attend the festivities at 1 Oak tonight, get your seat early since Kim's double wide trailer ass will take about 100 of them once she shows up.
ty MK (I think) for the video!