Kim Kardashian

Since they will give a perfume to absolutely anyone (I'm sure even your dealer has one), it's no surprise that Kim Kardassian is coming out with her own queef juice in a bottle.

Kim said that her fragrance will start collecting dust in the storage room of a Walgreens sometime next year. Kim added, “Collaborating with Lighthouse Beauty was a really creative, innovative process. What’s so different about their approach is that they have worked closely with me on all aspects of my fragrance, the bottle, the juice, and even our distribution strategy so I can develop a product that truly represents me and speaks to my fans. Because of their commitment to including me in the process, the fragrance really captures who I am.”

Hmm....Really capture who she is? That means Kim's perfume will smell like Brandy's first piss of the morning (Ray J wasn't available), piping hot butt crack butter, Khloe's nustack sweat, the blood from a warthog Khloe caught during her midnight hunt and desperation (which basically smells like Kourtney's saliva).

Not only will Kim's perfume make you smell like a real asshole, but it can also help to relieve the pain of a jellyfish sting.

VIA WWD

Oh, well fuck. One of those Kardashian hos went and got themselves knocked up! E!'s Marc Malkin is saying that Kourtney "The Other One" Kardashian has a BABY!!!! growing in her womb. The father is apparently Khloe Kardashian. I told that bitch to pull out! No, the father is really Claire Cruise. Joking again! Apparently, Kourtney isn't saying who the father is. Probably because she doesn't know. Call Maury!

A few days ago, E! asked her if she was back with her ex-boyfriend Scott, she said, "You're going to have to see on the show." Coincidentally, Kourtney's reality show debuts on E! this weekend.

Yeah, Kourtney should name her baby "Ratings Ploy Kardashian."

Image: Bauer Griffin

And here we have two young girls crying with excitement, because they are posing with amateur porn star Kim Kardassian at the Grove in Hollywood yesterday. Or maybe they're crying because Kim is wearing cropped Hammer pants? No, wishful thinking. They are really freaking out over the fact that they met Kim Kardassian. Um, refresh my memory. When is the world supposed to end exactly?

First it was LeAnn Rimes and her baby gayfaced husband, then it was Joe Jonas and his eyebrow soulmate and now it's Kim Kardassian and Reggie Bush! Fart it ain't so! It's the week of break-ups! So if your fuck time partner says they "need to talk" and you're not ready to quit the ass, tell them you got the oink flu and to check on you next week.

Kim Kardassian's spokeswhore confirms that she's no longer letting Reggie motorboat her naaaaaalgas (so big needs extra As). A source claims, "Nobody cheated. This is just a case of conflicting schedules and their lives going in different directions. It was a totally mutual decision."

The fact that this "source" states nobody cheated, means somebody passed their genitals around on the down low. All signs point to Reggie. Dude plays football for a living, so he probably wet humps anything with nipples. Note to self: The next time you come across Reggie Bush, flash them nipples.

And I love the whole "scheduling conflicts" shit! Like that bitch does anything. Yes, Kim, being useless is more than a full-time job.

Not an album of farts. Not an album of queefs. Not an album of fuck moans. Not an album of ass cheek clapping. Although, if she claps her ass really fast I'm sure it can whistle Juvenile's "Back That Ass Up." That album would go double toilet paper roll. No, Kim Kardassian is working on an album of MUSIC. At least that's what she's calling it.

BET says that Kim is in the studio working on an "R&B flavored" album. I guess Ray-J taught her everything she needs to know about R&B while he was slapping her nalgas with his Frankenpeen.

Kim recently spoke out about making "music," “I’d have to hear a song and feel it out and see if it’s something I’d sound good at. I would like the music to sound a bit like Lady GaGa, Britney Spears and J.Lo with a bit of an R’n’B twist to it… Filming the video would be fun, that would be the best bit…”

Oh! So that's why Kim wants to get into the business. Bitch just needs another reason to act like a ho. Kim has already peppered her extreme skankness on TV, the internet, magazines, DVDs and on every member of the NFL, so now she's taking on music. Or should I say "destroying" music. Bitch, don't you know that you don't need to put out an actual album to act like a big ass slut in a music video? That's what YouTube is for!

VIA Crunk + Disorderly

The Tush and The Bush are engaged to be married! That's what a rep for Kim Kardassian told Star Magazine. No word on when the wedding is. No word on when the baby is due either. SHUT UP! I know. That's the first thing I thought when I read that shit. Then I thought about how that fetus is going to be one lucky mofo. Obviously, Kim's womb will be his main home, but if he wants he can buy a timeshare in her ass. That way he has like a weekend place to chill out at. That fetus will be a jet setter before it's even born! From womb to ass to womb to life!

And Kim doesn't even have to worry about one of those ring bearing brats effing her wedding! She can carry the ring pillow on her ass! It's better that way. I've been to so many wedding where the ring bearer drops the ring. Everybody laughs, but you know the bride is thinking, "This little bitch is ruining my day." This won't happen to Kim, because she could balance a ping pong ball on her ass. And I'm sure she has in Tijuana.

Also, when Kim walks down the aisle, this will be the first time in history where the caboose actually leads the train.

UPDATE: Bitch ain't engaged. She wrote this on her blog, “I am not engaged!!! My new publicist was talking with Star Magazine earlier today and accidentally referred to Reggie as my fiance so they posted the news on their website! There have been so many rumors flying around recently about Reggie and I being engaged that she assumed we were! So, sorry Star Magazine for ruining your exclusive! It's totally my publicist's fault haha.”

On the left is a picture of Bruce Jenner last year, and on the right is a picture taken last month after he slipped back under the knife to fix his charbroiled mug. Why don't I see a difference? The new picture from Life & Style just looks like it was passed through the Photoshop machine for a quick minute, but his face kind of still looks the same. Okay, maybe he looks a little diffy. Just a little. If I squint my eyes and hum the theme song to Twin Peaks, I kind of see Kyle McLaughlin. Well, Kyle after a block of dry ice fell on his face.

I mean, really! The surgery was unnecessary. If Bruce doesn't stop, his face is going to bust out of there. The same thing happened to Joan Rivers and look at her! No, that's not her real face. That's a re-purposed Madame mask.

Bruce, just quit that mess! You are beauty-ful just the way you are. Not really, but if that's what Bruce needs to hear, then I'll shout it from the highest mountain (aka Kim Kardashian's ass).

When Bruce Jenner got a facelift 25 years ago, he went from looking like a semi-hot-piece to looking like a Kraft single after being microwaved too long. Bruce blames it on a janky partial facelift and a nose job, so he decided to go back under the knife and fix his face. Bruce's third face will be revealed on that Kardashian shit show this Sunday.

Kim Kardassian blogged about it, "Twenty five years ago, Bruce was ill-advised by a doctor to have a partial facelift and a nose job. Unfortunately, the result wasn't what Bruce had hoped for and for years since then he has been the victim of cruel taunts from the media. Since he's turning 60 in October, Bruce felt it was time to correct the mistakes made by the previous doctor so he went to a new doctor for a second facelift . The results are amazing! Bruce looks better than ever and he is extremely happy with the result."

That's what they all say! Just one more surgery and I'll stop. You know Bruce isn't going to stop. In 10 years, his mouth is going to be where his nose is supposed to be and his eyeballs are going to be hanging out on the back of his neck. Bitch is going to look like Kiefer Sutherland in Freeway. Actually, he already does.

VIA UsWeekly

Kim Kardassian looked like she got brutally attacked by a gang of Sun-In bottles as she walked the ho stroll in NYC yesterday. I would accept this kind of hair from a junior high-school cholita with big dreams of becoming a blonde, but Kim has enough coins in the bank to pay for a dye job that doesn't look like it was done with a garden hose and generic-brand bleach from Food 4 Less. This mess makes Kim look like a fried government cheese version of JLo.

And I don't think it will make Kim K happy knowing that her new frizzled panko hair makes her "size 2" ass look fat.

UPDATE: Bamboozled! Kim says on her site that it's just a wig. You can come off the ledge now.

Here is your morning mug of piping hot laughs brought to you buy the whorey walrus that is Kim Kardassian! Yesterday, Kim posted this shit from UsWeekly about Forever 21's new plus-size line which mentioned her and it really made her fat ass boil in anger (smells like charred jizz and rancid hamburger meat). Kim carefully placed her mountain-with-a-mudslide ass on the keyboard and her let butt lips do the writing:

I feel that this clipping from Us Magazine is a bit misleading, so I wanted to comment on it.

I am a huge fan of Forever 21 and I'm very happy they have expanded their line to include a plus-size range, but I am not in that size category and this article makes it sound like I am! I am a curvy girl and I love my curves, but curvy and plus-sized are two very different things. I work really hard to maintain my curves while staying slim and healthy, so to be classed as a "fuller-figured woman" of extra large proportions is a little offensive.

For the record, I am a size 2, not 2XL.

For the record, you are a size DUMB WHORE. Seriously, a SIZE 2?! Maybe if you take two size 2s and sew them together, you could cover one of her chunky ass cheeks. MAYBE. Does this trick shop at Jennifer Love Hewitt's favorite store: Big, Short & Delusional? Kim proves that queefing out random numbers is nothing but fun!

This stupid Monday-to-Friday skeezer makes no sense. She loves her curves, yet being considered "full-figured" is offensive? You know what's offensive? Kim Kardashian! UsWeekly never even called her plus-sized. Obviously, bitch needs to get a dude to piss in her ear again, because her one brain cell needs cleaning.

Khloe Kardashian, bring your "full-figured" ass over here and stomp on this pinche heffer!